Confoosedgal Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Hello all, I actually did a previous post about this particular guy before. Met him through Zoom, we connected on our "shared love for music," and after a while I gained the confidence to ask him out for drinks. At least, I thought I had asked him out. We went out for drinks and I could not read this guy's vibe AT ALL. I don't think he thought this was a date? OR anything romantic? OR maybe he was scared of me? Most guys on dates wait for me at the front of the bar but this guy was already inside the bar AND almost done with his 2nd drink before I got there. I was NOT expecting him to pay for my drinks because I have been advised, several times, to pay for myself on the first outing in case I'm not interested in the guy (so I don't waste his time or money). So, I opened up my own tab but, what I found weird was he didn't follow me up to the bar when I went to order and he left many, many, times to order his own drink. So, it was like we were taking turns getting our own drinks for ourselves, by ourselves. He seemed incredibly tense throughout our "whatever it was" and didn't really reciprocate my flirtatiousness or make any sort of move. In fact, he was physically and emotionally distant throughout the entire hangout. It was the strangest thing and i literally could not get a read out of him. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a fairly good looking girl and I actually feel like I'm a little bit out of his league, physically. Even when he was drunk a few compliments did slip out like "hot, cute, funny, interesting, etc." So, I was just very surprised that he was acting so careful and cautious and distant, he didn't make any sort of move, NO flirtatiousness whatsoever really, and by the end, he walked me to my car, gave me a friendly pat on the back, and jetted out. It seemed like he was trying to run away from me! Since then, we've texted each other a few times. And, he's actually initiated a few of the messages too. But, it hasn't gone anywhere. So, what the hell is going on? Is he not interested? Does he have some sort of secret girlfriend/wife? Or, is he waiting for me to do something about it? Any input is totally appreciated!
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 He's not interested. But your description of the date makes it sound like he was almost mad, somehow. Tense, uninvolved. I don't want to be rude but while you think you're hot, so you look like your pictures? And, what was said near the beginning of the date? Was he tense and weird from the very beginning?
Author Confoosedgal Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 Well we met on Zoom for our meetings, meaning he saw my face on LIVE Camera, not photos once we started talking. No, he wasn't mad at all. He was pretty interesting, our conversation flowed very well, and it was a very fun night, overall. Like if we were out JUST AS FRIENDS, it would have been great. But, because i thought it could have been something more, it felt really off. And, he ws kind of brushing passed my flirtatious remarks with his serious, boring points of conversation. I remember at one point, after we BOTH had quite a few drinks and were buzzed, he said his voice was too horrible to get on American Idol and I playfully shoved his shoulder and said, "Despite your horrible singing voice, you are handsome enough to get both of us on there anyway." Instead of flirting back, he responded with "Well, I think they just want singers on there." He didn't seem to be getting my flirty tones and was kind of taking everything literally. We kept talking about singing and then he said, "Well if you want we can hit the karaoke bar sometime so you can hear it." Again, just really hard to read whether he was just being friendly or flirty or wtf. At the beginning, we shot straight into conversation about alcohol, the bars, COVID, etc. We have a lot in common so it was all very basic interests.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 41 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said: Well we met on Zoom for our meetings, meaning he saw my face on LIVE Camera, not photos once we started talking. No, he wasn't mad at all. He was pretty interesting, our conversation flowed very well, and it was a very fun night, overall. Like if we were out JUST AS FRIENDS, it would have been great. But, because i thought it could have been something more, it felt really off. And, he ws kind of brushing passed my flirtatious remarks with his serious, boring points of conversation. I remember at one point, after we BOTH had quite a few drinks and were buzzed, he said his voice was too horrible to get on American Idol and I playfully shoved his shoulder and said, "Despite your horrible singing voice, you are handsome enough to get both of us on there anyway." Instead of flirting back, he responded with "Well, I think they just want singers on there." He didn't seem to be getting my flirty tones and was kind of taking everything literally. We kept talking about singing and then he said, "Well if you want we can hit the karaoke bar sometime so you can hear it." Again, just really hard to read whether he was just being friendly or flirty or wtf. At the beginning, we shot straight into conversation about alcohol, the bars, COVID, etc. We have a lot in common so it was all very basic interests. He's not interested...flat out not interested. Keep looking. There's someone out there for you. 1
preraph Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 First impression he seems scared and inexperienced. 2
Backinthesaddleagain Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 1 hour ago, Confoosedgal said: Well we met on Zoom for our meetings, meaning he saw my face on LIVE Camera, not photos once we started talking. No, he wasn't mad at all. He was pretty interesting, our conversation flowed very well, and it was a very fun night, overall. Like if we were out JUST AS FRIENDS, it would have been great. But, because i thought it could have been something more, it felt really off. And, he ws kind of brushing passed my flirtatious remarks with his serious, boring points of conversation. I remember at one point, after we BOTH had quite a few drinks and were buzzed, he said his voice was too horrible to get on American Idol and I playfully shoved his shoulder and said, "Despite your horrible singing voice, you are handsome enough to get both of us on there anyway." Instead of flirting back, he responded with "Well, I think they just want singers on there." He didn't seem to be getting my flirty tones and was kind of taking everything literally. We kept talking about singing and then he said, "Well if you want we can hit the karaoke bar sometime so you can hear it." Again, just really hard to read whether he was just being friendly or flirty or wtf. At the beginning, we shot straight into conversation about alcohol, the bars, COVID, etc. We have a lot in common so it was all very basic interests. This sounds to me like you are smitten and he is playing it super cool. He may realize this and keep himself in the driver's seat by keeping you guessing...Or, he doesnt see you as girlfriend material but likes you as a friend. Are your zoom meetings for work? If he is a coworker, I would advise against seeing him at all.
ShyViolet Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 He's either REALLY not interested, or he's socially awkward and just felt kind of uncomfortable. It sounds like maybe he was drinking a lot to try and self-medicate for the discomfort or social awkwardness that he was feeling. Either way, you two do not have any chemistry so why would you even consider talking to him again? 4
ccas93 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 I think that was all a secret incel power move to "build attraction" and "get her wondering about you" lol 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 I don't think he is interested, OP. Or maybe he's not single and knew he had to keep things PG? Either way, you discovered there's no spark in person,so I would leave it be.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 1 hour ago, ccas93 said: I think that was all a secret incel power move to "build attraction" and "get her wondering about you" lol I thought of that too but he didn't touch her thigh and then escalate and close so nah. 1
Ellener Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 6 hours ago, Confoosedgal said: I remember at one point, after we BOTH had quite a few drinks and were buzzed Did you drive home? He sounds like an alcoholic I was close with years ago, never went anywhere because he was more interested in drinking than me.
Amanda141 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Mmm I think he didn't understand this was a date. He should have waited for you outside, offered you a drink, be flirtatious and at least hug you at the end. Either he has a girlfriend, or he's gay, or he thought of you just as a friend.
Grey40 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Hard to tell. Either not interested or really nervous and shy to the point where he is afraid to even show interest back. I’ve been there before when I was REALLY inexperienced. But since you work together, he probably thought you were trying to be friendly or professional about things. But wouldn’t matter if he thought it was a date or not..if he was interested and attracted it would have been much more clear and he would have reciprocated more I think. 1
Roswell91 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Confoosedgal said: Hello all, I actually did a previous post about this particular guy before. Met him through Zoom, we connected on our "shared love for music," and after a while I gained the confidence to ask him out for drinks. At least, I thought I had asked him out. We went out for drinks and I could not read this guy's vibe AT ALL. I don't think he thought this was a date? OR anything romantic? OR maybe he was scared of me? Most guys on dates wait for me at the front of the bar but this guy was already inside the bar AND almost done with his 2nd drink before I got there. I was NOT expecting him to pay for my drinks because I have been advised, several times, to pay for myself on the first outing in case I'm not interested in the guy (so I don't waste his time or money). So, I opened up my own tab but, what I found weird was he didn't follow me up to the bar when I went to order and he left many, many, times to order his own drink. So, it was like we were taking turns getting our own drinks for ourselves, by ourselves. He seemed incredibly tense throughout our "whatever it was" and didn't really reciprocate my flirtatiousness or make any sort of move. In fact, he was physically and emotionally distant throughout the entire hangout. It was the strangest thing and i literally could not get a read out of him. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a fairly good looking girl and I actually feel like I'm a little bit out of his league, physically. Even when he was drunk a few compliments did slip out like "hot, cute, funny, interesting, etc." So, I was just very surprised that he was acting so careful and cautious and distant, he didn't make any sort of move, NO flirtatiousness whatsoever really, and by the end, he walked me to my car, gave me a friendly pat on the back, and jetted out. It seemed like he was trying to run away from me! Since then, we've texted each other a few times. And, he's actually initiated a few of the messages too. But, it hasn't gone anywhere. So, what the hell is going on? Is he not interested? Does he have some sort of secret girlfriend/wife? Or, is he waiting for me to do something about it? Any input is totally appreciated! I agree with most others. Its either a friend vibe or hes just a very nervous and shy person. But overall if a man is shy it is obvious from the start, like you would already know this. To not be flirty with you at all, is weird for a man, especially when you were trying so hard. I mean even men who aren't interested in anything long term will flirt . Edited June 25, 2020 by Roswell91 1
clia Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Options are (1) not interested or (2) inexperienced. I am going to vote for inexperienced, given what you've posted. Do you know his dating history? Has he ever had a girlfriend? You had to initiate the date. He went there early so he could have a drink before you got there -- to loosen up. When you showed up and opened your own tab, he probably didn't know what to do with that. If he was already drinking, then the two of you were probably on different drink refill schedules. He didn't realize that he should wait and get your drink, too. With two different tabs going, it might've also made him unsure of what to do. Just seems like awkwardness? Seemed tense and distant. The above could be not interested, but I'm getting a different vibe. Try to find out more about his dating history, if you haven't already.
contel3 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Guy sounds weird. I don't know what exactly, but theres something off. 1
Ellener Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 1 hour ago, contel3 said: Guy sounds weird. I don't know what exactly, but theres something off. The drinking. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Clueless comes to my mind. Throughout this, did you ever offer to buy him a drink? That may have helped signal date. He may have been wondering what this was. Him arriving early & having a drink before reads like the need for a little liquid courage to me. All in all I would leave the ball in his court. You tried. It didn't work out the way you wanted. If he contacts you to set up a 2nd date, perhaps it will be less strained. If you don't hear from him, don't chase because he's not interested
rjc149 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 He sounds shy and socially awkward, and clearly has zero game with women. Maybe he was acutely aware of the fact that he's "below your league" and was nervous, hence his alcohol consumption. Guys (and gals) will often disqualify themselves and self-reject if they are intimidated by their date. If they're not confident, it's difficult for them to relax and have fun, unless they're hammered and don't care. I never wait outside of the bar for my date to show, unless the bar is really crowded and I'm calling an audible on the venue. If I get there first (I usually do since my dates are almost always 10-15 minutes late on the 1st date and I'm very punctual in general), I go inside and order myself a drink. Of course, I'm always a little nervous before she shows up, so I have, in the past, overdone it with the vodka clubs. I don't think this is a sign of romantic disinterest. If we're at the bar, I tell her to order a drink on my tab. If we're at a table or booth, I don't follow her around the venue and hover over her shoulder when she's getting drinks. Also, not a sign of romantic disinterest. If he did, it would be a sign of neediness and desperation, if anything. If had zero romantic interest in you, I don't think he'd be initiating texts with you in the days after. You asked him out, you called the shots, so given his overall lack of confidence, he's doing this entirely on your terms. Which is throwing you off, because men aren't supposed to do that. They're supposed to take the lead. Are you actually interested in dating this guy? Or are you just kind of pouting because a guy 'below your league' isn't tripping over himself for you? 1
smackie9 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Regardless of whatever is going on with him, just move on. He is not worth the energy you are putting into this. You will never find out what the deal was unless you ask him directly, and even then he may never tell you the truth. 3
Versacehottie Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 He sounds "complicated". If you got a friends vibe, maybe that's all he has the capacity to give at the moment. He could be heartbroken, in whatever awkward personal situation where he is not looking to date but doesn't mind a confusing ego boost for himself, he could also have a drinking problem (idk i got enough of this vibe to be concerned that it could be). Sounds like even just as a guy/guy friend he has poor manners and doesn't offer you too much so I think you should consider it nothing and move on. The socially awkward part of not really running with the bit of flirting you did toward him, makes it seem like he doesn't know what to do or that he's not interested but that would be torture really. I don't see why you couldn't let him do ALL the work if he was so interested that he was compelled to make a leap but it surely sounds like it would end up being a lot more trouble than it was worth. Good luck
datingvirgin Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, Confoosedgal said: Hello all, I actually did a previous post about this particular guy before. Met him through Zoom, we connected on our "shared love for music," and after a while I gained the confidence to ask him out for drinks. At least, I thought I had asked him out. We went out for drinks and I could not read this guy's vibe AT ALL. I don't think he thought this was a date? OR anything romantic? OR maybe he was scared of me? Most guys on dates wait for me at the front of the bar but this guy was already inside the bar AND almost done with his 2nd drink before I got there. I was NOT expecting him to pay for my drinks because I have been advised, several times, to pay for myself on the first outing in case I'm not interested in the guy (so I don't waste his time or money). So, I opened up my own tab but, what I found weird was he didn't follow me up to the bar when I went to order and he left many, many, times to order his own drink. So, it was like we were taking turns getting our own drinks for ourselves, by ourselves. He seemed incredibly tense throughout our "whatever it was" and didn't really reciprocate my flirtatiousness or make any sort of move. In fact, he was physically and emotionally distant throughout the entire hangout. It was the strangest thing and i literally could not get a read out of him. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a fairly good looking girl and I actually feel like I'm a little bit out of his league, physically. Even when he was drunk a few compliments did slip out like "hot, cute, funny, interesting, etc." So, I was just very surprised that he was acting so careful and cautious and distant, he didn't make any sort of move, NO flirtatiousness whatsoever really, and by the end, he walked me to my car, gave me a friendly pat on the back, and jetted out. It seemed like he was trying to run away from me! Since then, we've texted each other a few times. And, he's actually initiated a few of the messages too. But, it hasn't gone anywhere. So, what the hell is going on? Is he not interested? Does he have some sort of secret girlfriend/wife? Or, is he waiting for me to do something about it? Any input is totally appreciated! I did this with a guy who is similar to this but not entirely. I just called up and sort of alluded towards friends as the vibe I'm getting from him. Mind you this is after 3 dates so be careful on coming across too eager. Then he clarified that he was interested more than friends, this serves two purposes: 1. you know what he is thinking 2. You are also telling him what he is doing is not enough for you. So if he is interested he will do more. Either way it works out in figuring out this mystery.... Edited June 25, 2020 by datingvirgin 1
rjc149 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Whoa -- I didn't catch the "he's a coworker" part. Assume he's trying to keep things platonic and maintain a professional boundary. That actually makes things pretty clear. Don't hook up with coworkers. 5
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 5 hours ago, smackie9 said: Regardless of whatever is going on with him, just move on. He is not worth the energy you are putting into this. You will never find out what the deal was unless you ask him directly, and even then he may never tell you the truth. That's how I feel about it...maybe I'm just fatalistic. If it's THIS much like pulling teeth from the get-go I just personally don't follow up on it and I move on. Because even if I could "figure it out" or somehow get him over the hump of his maybe-but-maybe-not "shyness" (??? even after having not shown it previously, and already knowing the OP), what then? Drag him through the rest of the relationship too? If he's ever willing to call it that. I'd be giving this one a hard pass. Because of incompatability, whether he "likes" you that way or not. Obviously you guys are not on the same page at all. FWIW I love shy guys, I find they're often simmering just under the surface (or did, when I was dating)...but for all the shy guys I've liked...none ever seemed totally cold like the OP was describing. Not even the most painfully shy guy. It's a vibe, when somebody really likes you. You feel it. 2
Azincourt Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 20 hours ago, Confoosedgal said: Hello all, I actually did a previous post about this particular guy before. Met him through Zoom, we connected on our "shared love for music," and after a while I gained the confidence to ask him out for drinks. At least, I thought I had asked him out. We went out for drinks and I could not read this guy's vibe AT ALL. I don't think he thought this was a date? OR anything romantic? OR maybe he was scared of me? Most guys on dates wait for me at the front of the bar but this guy was already inside the bar AND almost done with his 2nd drink before I got there. I was NOT expecting him to pay for my drinks because I have been advised, several times, to pay for myself on the first outing in case I'm not interested in the guy (so I don't waste his time or money). So, I opened up my own tab but, what I found weird was he didn't follow me up to the bar when I went to order and he left many, many, times to order his own drink. So, it was like we were taking turns getting our own drinks for ourselves, by ourselves. He seemed incredibly tense throughout our "whatever it was" and didn't really reciprocate my flirtatiousness or make any sort of move. In fact, he was physically and emotionally distant throughout the entire hangout. It was the strangest thing and i literally could not get a read out of him. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a fairly good looking girl and I actually feel like I'm a little bit out of his league, physically. Even when he was drunk a few compliments did slip out like "hot, cute, funny, interesting, etc." So, I was just very surprised that he was acting so careful and cautious and distant, he didn't make any sort of move, NO flirtatiousness whatsoever really, and by the end, he walked me to my car, gave me a friendly pat on the back, and jetted out. It seemed like he was trying to run away from me! Since then, we've texted each other a few times. And, he's actually initiated a few of the messages too. But, it hasn't gone anywhere. So, what the hell is going on? Is he not interested? Does he have some sort of secret girlfriend/wife? Or, is he waiting for me to do something about it? Any input is totally appreciated! He's probably not used to being around a woman who is out of his league. When the woman is more physically attractive than me, I start wondering what is that that she sees in me, and I'm not my normal, chill, funny, self. Why is that? well, it makes me wonder why would she be interested in me when there's a lot of guys out there who are better than me. Better-looking, taller, more muscled-up, drive a 200,000 dollars mustang, have money etc. Maybe he wants you to make the first move? I can understand why he'd want that. If you are several tiers above me in terms of physical apperance, I'm going to feel like any advances - a date doesn't mean she's sexually attracted to me, and there are plenty of women who flirt just for the sake of flirting - is going to come out as unwanted, and I'd rather wait for her to pick up the ball.
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