dating as 20yo dad

[Kaladin]

Hey there! I dont know where to begin but I hope I can find some help around here.

I'm 20 yo and have a 4 yo daughter. Me and her mother were 16yo's in highschool when she was born, and shes being raised mostly by both set of grandparents. But since me and my ex went to college, and I stayed in my hometowns college, I have been the more 'present' parent. But do not take this the wrong way, I do not want to discredit my ex, she has also done the best she can and tries her hardest to be with our daughter too.

But unfortunately I have been feeling lonely. Girls initially think my daughter is my sister, but when they find out I'm a dad they usually say its cute and lose interest. I get friendzoned so much, I think I have more female friends then male friends at this point. And it is not because I keep them around or keep going after them, I actually move on pretty easily, Its because we really do become good friends and I think most of them think its 'cute' to have a dad has their friend. So i admit, I have become a little tired of chasing girls, but unfortunately I am not attractive enough to call out their attention. Just an average looking guy.

The reason I have been feeling so lonely right now, is because since quarantine started, all my friends went back to their hometowns and my hometown has been deserted. I have not dated anyone since me and my ex broke up, and although we've had sex a couple of time since the break up, I do not think we'll be together again. We broke up 2 years ago and the only reason we still talk is our daughter. We are entirely different people then we were 5 years ago when we started dating, so although we are in a strange parenthood friends with benefits relationship, It is not going to move beyond that.

I am also not interested in short term dating, flings or one night stands. I want a stable long term relationship. I admit, there is a chance i would think another way If I did not have my daughter, but my parents are right in this point. I should not introduce girls into my daughters life if it is not something serious. Since they say it can hurt her to be abandoned by someone if she feels a connection.

I just read what I wrote above, so to make it clear I'm just ending on this note. I love my daughter and I want to be a present dad. But at the same time, I have to admit I feel very lonely and would like to find a girlfriend.

[d0nnivain]

See if you can find a group for other young parents without partners

[smackie9]

find a single mom, I'm sure you two can relate.

[Kaladin]

I have never met another single mother near my age. I tried that facebook group once, but it is filled with parents much older then me. And my town is pretty small. Its my college that attracts a lot of young people here. (I am not american if you can not tell my english)

Online dating also is not an option. Even with a blank profile i do not get a lot of matches on tinder, i can not imagine what i'd would be like If I mentioned I have a daughter.

[preraph]

Young women are not usually going to be interested in a man who already got kids.  Sorry.  They have too many options, so unless they themselves are just kid crazy, which if they were, they'd probably have their own, then they're not ready for all that, and you can't blame them.  I bet you weren't either.  Concentrate on raising your child and in a few years, the age difference of a woman 5 years older with kids won't make that much difference to either of you.  Do keep checking singles sites for parents, though, because there has to be a young one out there somewhere, but you need to date local.  So pretty soon you'll be going up to the elementary school and seeing other parents there, a lot of whom will already have partners, but network and maybe you'll meet someone that way.  You have to realize that another young mother will probably be struggling financially and being with her might only increase your own burden.  

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree your best bet is another young single mom. Women without kids are naturally averse to men with young kids, but a woman in the same situation as you will be on the same page. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Kaladin said:

Girls initially think my daughter is my sister...

So don't correct them... let them think what they want.  Keep your mouth shut about your kid.  Why are you even discussing something like that with a new date.

You really shouldn't be introducing anyone (you are dating) to your daughter until its a long term established relationship.

Silence is golden, young grasshopper.

[preraph]

Tinder isn't the right site for you if you want a girlfriend and not just sex.  It's best to be honest up front and let them know you have a child.  If you're just trying to get sex, then whatever, but if you want a relationship, you need to let them know so you won't get attached and then get dumped.  

[Kaladin]

40 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

So don't correct them... let them think what they want.  Keep your mouth shut about your kid.  Why are you even discussing something like that with a new date.

You really shouldn't be introducing anyone (you are dating) to your daughter until its a long term established relationship.

Silence is golden, young grasshopper.

I have to be honest about having a daughter. Plus, it is not something I try to hide. I have lots of pictures with my daughter on my facebook and instagram. I do not wish to deceive a potential gf if I want a long relationship, because my daughter is not the only problem in finding a relationship. I also have to keep contact with my ex because of her.

37 minutes ago, preraph said:

Tinder isn't the right site for you if you want a girlfriend and not just sex.  It's best to be honest up front and let them know you have a child.  If you're just trying to get sex, then whatever, but if you want a relationship, you need to let them know so you won't get attached and then get dumped.  

I know. But I do not have anything better to do while in the toilet and it wont hurt to try.

[preraph]

Go to all the school events you can what with work and all and meet people there.  They might know someone even if they are paired up.  Build friendships and it leads to meeting more people in general.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Kaladin said:

 I have lots of pictures with my daughter on my facebook and instagram.

 

I forgot about social media...  I know how important it is to your generation to post pictures on the internet.  You want to date, take 'em down, just have solo pictures of you and maybe a tree.

You are 20 years old, get "long term relationship" out of your mind.  You might be able to find a divorced woman with her own kids in about 10 years, but not right now. 

If you want to date (now) appear unattached like 99% of the other guys on Tinder who are 20. Stop worrying about being honest.  I doubt your competition (the other guys on Tinder) are being 100% honest.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yes, it's going to be harder dating as a young single parent. But you WILL find a girl who is mature enough to deal with it. Just keep trying. You may not attract every woman who comes along and you may not be able to go out every weekend and swing from the chandeliers but do you really want to? Being a responsible father is beautiful and that attitude can be VERY attractive, trust me. This may sound lame and trite but really do just keep putting feelers out. You may not think there are any mature young women out there or for that matter, any young single mothers who are equally loving toward their children but trust me, there are.

[5x5]

16 hours ago, Kaladin said:

Hey there! I dont know where to begin but I hope I can find some help around here.

For what it's worth I had a shotgun wedding at 19 to an 18 year old who I had been with since I was 17. Now that wedding didn't work out for a variety of reasons, culminating in her infidelity. So I dumped her immediately on finding out, which saw us legally separated just before our first wedding anniversary. So I then found myself in a similar situation to you, albeit my daughter was 6 months old when we split up. Which saw us divorce when I was 21, after the obligatory waiting period had passed.

I don't know if my experience can offer you hope or not. Yet I didn't lack for women wanting to be with me, even when I went out of my way to actively discourage some of them by telling them the whole sorry story. Yet they'd just shrug and say it didn't bother them. One of them even hung around frequently asking me on outings for over a year despite being friend zoned by me within a few days of meeting them.

I hooked up with some women at parties, night clubs, pubs and went on dates, had ongoing sexual relationships with girlfriends and was even the other man with a few women on very brief occasion, while turning down plenty more along the way, since despite what I have written I didn't have sex with everyone who wanted it with me.

Now I wasn't always with someone so sometimes it was a few weeks through a few months before playing again. Yet it was easily found for the most part, whenever I wanted it.

I then had a more serious sexual relationship when I was 23, which I eventually ended following another pregnancy scare despite birth control. Funnily enough if I started with her 18 months later, I would have probably accepted her later marriage proposal yet I wasn't willing at 23 so I let her go. Like the others she also didn't care that I had been married before and she was also, employed , capable and was a travelled then university student as well.

Funnily enough I was only briefly involved with three women who had kids, one of them was a little younger than me and married (just separated). The other was older and married, while another was older and divorced. Otherwise everyone else was never married, had no kids, and was around my age. And most were university students or recent graduates, pursuing their professional careers.

So I wouldn't necessarily go after other women with kids at all if I were you, if the purpose is to find sexual partners.

I then had a few more sexual partners along the way, until my now wife asked me out on a date when I was close to 25 and she was close to 26. Of which a few dates in I told her about my situation, being divorced and having a kid and naturally paying child support etc. Yet although she was surprised she was like the rest, in that she shrugged and still wanted to keep dating and f***ing me. While at the time she had also recently completed a BASc degree and was never married, had no kids and was employed in a post graduate job with a bright future career ahead of her.

To today 24 years later my wife (who now has multiple tertiary qualifications with a great career) and I are still happily together. Having been married for 21+ years so far, having also shared having 2 children together. With one being a full time university student who is turning 20 soon, with our youngest still in High School who is turning 17 soon.

At the end of the day, I don't feel you should be discouraged or feel you should give up. Sometimes there can be dry spells, and at other times it can flood. So I encourage you to get on with things and keep going.

All the best.

[Fox Sake]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

find a single mom, I'm sure you two can relate.

This is what you need to do. 
 

there are so many single mums in my city it’s not even funny.Great for someone like you. Wasn’t great for someone like me who doesn’t have kids 

[5x5]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

there are so many single mums in my city it’s not even funny.Great for someone like you.

Having been there done that, as in having a kid  when I was still 19. Aside from having sex with two married women who had children, and going on a single date with one divorced woman who I had sex with. I was never involved with any other women who were mothers at all single or otherwise.

And although I can't speak for the OP, I certainly didn't go after single mothers because I could relate, especially since I had no desire to potentially stepparent any one else's children at all.

[CaliforniaGirl]

27 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

Having been there done that, as in having a kid  when I was still 19. Aside from having sex with two married women who had children, and going on a single date with one divorced woman who I had sex with. I was never involved with any other women who were mothers at all single or otherwise.

And although I can't speak for the OP, I certainly didn't go after single mothers because I could relate, especially since I had no desire to potentially stepparent any one else's children at all.

My first husband was a parent (custody) and so was I, it made us really understand one another. Everybody's different. 

[5x5]

1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

My first husband was a parent (custody) and so was I, it made us really understand one another. Everybody's different. 

Exactly, which was the point I was making.

[Kaladin]

3 hours ago, 5x5 said:

For what it's worth I had a shotgun wedding at 19 to an 18 year old who I had been with since I was 17. Now that wedding didn't work out for a variety of reasons, culminating in her infidelity. So I dumped her immediately on finding out, which saw us legally separated just before our first wedding anniversary. So I then found myself in a similar situation to you, albeit my daughter was 6 months old when we split up. Which saw us divorce when I was 21, after the obligatory waiting period had passed.

I don't know if my experience can offer you hope or not. Yet I didn't lack for women wanting to be with me, even when I went out of my way to actively discourage some of them by telling them the whole sorry story. Yet they'd just shrug and say it didn't bother them. One of them even hung around frequently asking me on outings for over a year despite being friend zoned by me within a few days of meeting them.

I hooked up with some women at parties, night clubs, pubs and went on dates, had ongoing sexual relationships with girlfriends and was even the other man with a few women on very brief occasion, while turning down plenty more along the way, since despite what I have written I didn't have sex with everyone who wanted it with me.

Now I wasn't always with someone so sometimes it was a few weeks through a few months before playing again. Yet it was easily found for the most part, whenever I wanted it.

I then had a more serious sexual relationship when I was 23, which I eventually ended following another pregnancy scare despite birth control. Funnily enough if I started with her 18 months later, I would have probably accepted her later marriage proposal yet I wasn't willing at 23 so I let her go. Like the others she also didn't care that I had been married before and she was also, employed , capable and was a travelled then university student as well.

Funnily enough I was only briefly involved with three women who had kids, one of them was a little younger than me and married (just separated). The other was older and married, while another was older and divorced. Otherwise everyone else was never married, had no kids, and was around my age. And most were university students or recent graduates, pursuing their professional careers.

So I wouldn't necessarily go after other women with kids at all if I were you, if the purpose is to find sexual partners.

I then had a few more sexual partners along the way, until my now wife asked me out on a date when I was close to 25 and she was close to 26. Of which a few dates in I told her about my situation, being divorced and having a kid and naturally paying child support etc. Yet although she was surprised she was like the rest, in that she shrugged and still wanted to keep dating and f***ing me. While at the time she had also recently completed a BASc degree and was never married, had no kids and was employed in a post graduate job with a bright future career ahead of her.

To today 24 years later my wife (who now has multiple tertiary qualifications with a great career) and I are still happily together. Having been married for 21+ years so far, having also shared having 2 children together. With one being a full time university student who is turning 20 soon, with our youngest still in High School who is turning 17 soon.

At the end of the day, I don't feel you should be discouraged or feel you should give up. Sometimes there can be dry spells, and at other times it can flood. So I encourage you to get on with things and keep going.

All the best.

I do not have such dating life. The only girl I have been sexual with is my ex and she also struggles with relationships by being a single mother.  But do not take it wrong, I do have other girls in my life. Having a daughter is something they initially find cute, but it never turns into the long relationship I want. So it never breaks out of friendship. Our situation is different since my daughter is already 4. I do not want to put any other woman in her life if it is not to be something long.

Also, child support is a thing I haven't even thought about. Since me and my ex still study, most of the expenses are taken care of by both set of grandparents. I know child support laws are very different from the states, but neither of us is currently paying anything to the other.

 

 

 

I do not care If I find single mother to be in a relationship. I do not view it as a negative or a bonus. I really just have been feeling very lonely since the quarantine started, it would be nice to have someone i care about to talk and understands me fully and do something fun.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, Kaladin said:

I do not have such dating life. The only girl I have been sexual with is my ex and she also struggles with relationships by being a single mother.  But do not take it wrong, I do have other girls in my life. Having a daughter is something they initially find cute, but it never turns into the long relationship I want. So it never breaks out of friendship. Our situation is different since my daughter is already 4. I do not want to put any other woman in her life if it is not to be something long.

Also, child support is a thing I haven't even thought about. Since me and my ex still study, most of the expenses are taken care of by both set of grandparents. I know child support laws are very different from the states, but neither of us is currently paying anything to the other.

 

 

 

I do not care If I find single mother to be in a relationship. I do not view it as a negative or a bonus. I really just have been feeling very lonely since the quarantine started, it would be nice to have someone i care about to talk and understands me fully and do something fun.

Quarantine is screwing everything up, that's true, but I don't see you being alone for long. You seem like a great person, a responsible guy, and you're sticking with your guns: you're putting fatherhood first and that's it. I mean, that's strong and strength in anyone is sexy. I know it's hard to do this and that this sounds cliche, but hang in there. It's going to happen for you.

[Kaladin]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Quarantine is screwing everything up, that's true, but I don't see you being alone for long. You seem like a great person, a responsible guy, and you're sticking with your guns: you're putting fatherhood first and that's it. I mean, that's strong and strength in anyone is sexy. I know it's hard to do this and that this sounds cliche, but hang in there. It's going to happen for you.

I do not know about this. My opportunities to meet new people are short and the ones I meet are not interested in dating with a father. Or maybe you are right and it will happen, but that does not change how lonely I have been feeling. I am thankful for the kind and encouraging words.