contel3 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 So I have recently met someone I think I like. For now he seems pretty great. I am an adult, so obviously I make my own decisions, but in the past I have made the mistake of telling my family too much, too early about my relationships. We are quite close. They get really curious, ask a lot of questions…. and when there is something they don't like, they are sure to make it known. I don't really like it, because much of the time it involves a lot of critical comments about my partners (like disapproving about his family of origin, tattoos or his job). So if this goes well with the new guy, I was considering just keeping it a secret from my family until it gets really serious. Like after a year or something. There is nothing wrong with him, I just want to get to know him without people meddling. So I was wondering, if you were dating someone, would you think that is weird? How long do you usually wait to mention to family you are seeing someone?
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I have had entire relationships spanning more then 6 months where my family didn't know the other person existed & they certainly never met. When that happened I was living more then 200 miles away from my family & we were never close. By my mid 30s I was living within 10 miles of my parents again & our social circles overlapped. I also had dinner with them every Friday at their club. So a new BF would get introduced early on, around2 months. It seems like you need to get better at keeping your own counsel. By that I mean don't discuss your love life with your family until you & your SO are on solid enough ground that you are ready to introduce them. Also don't gossip about your new SO with your family. Giving them details only hurts you. 2
Miss Spider Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I've kept literally every boyfriend I've had a secret from my family until we broke up. xD The guys I date are rough around the edges and my parents very conservative and will only be happy with me dating THE BEST. I would be going on vacations with their family and they'd still not met mine. One of my bfs mom called it "disconcerting" in a text to my bf about a year and a proposal in and not being formally introduced(he had met my father, but not in a bf/gf context and my dad told him to get the f*** off his property). I broke it off with him though a few weeks later for unrelated reasons. My current bf got a little shty about it "Feel like you're ashamed of me", but at the end of the day, no dude is going to break up with you because you won't introduce them to family for awhile. I say do it on your timeline, but the longer you go, the harder it is to do (Oh yea, this is the guy I've been hiding for a year)I feel like 3-6 months is actually ideal.
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Not weird at all, and you might be surprised how common waiting is.
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 If I was dating a guy that kept me a secret from his family because they were meddlers...I wouldn't date the guy. I see issues I don't want to be involved with.
Amanda141 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Never introduced anyone to my family yet, as I’ve only had short term boyfriends. In the past sometimes I talked to my mom about the guy I was dating but she really likes gossip so she covered me with endless questions Now I don’t live with my family anymore, I just visit during holidays, so it’s easier to hide the people I date. I’ll tell them just when I know it’s serious, but since I am not fond of “bad boys”, I think it shouldn’t be a big issue
Author contel3 Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 26 minutes ago, amanda141 said: Never introduced anyone to my family yet, as I’ve only had short term boyfriends. In the past sometimes I talked to my mom about the guy I was dating but she really likes gossip so she covered me with endless questions Now I don’t live with my family anymore, I just visit during holidays, so it’s easier to hide the people I date. I’ll tell them just when I know it’s serious, but since I am not fond of “bad boys”, I think it shouldn’t be a big issue do you lie if they ask though? Or do you just avoid the topic?
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Just now, contel3 said: do you lie if they ask though? Or do you just avoid the topic? My family never asked, thank heavens. That said, don't lie. Do your best to be evasive. If they ask if you are dating anybody just say "Nobody serious" You leave unsaid the rest of the sentence "Nobody serious enough to discuss with you." If they press you say "It's not worth talking about." Again the "with you" is unspoken. Then you change the subject. 2
Author contel3 Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 51 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I've kept literally every boyfriend I've had a secret from my family until we broke up. xD The guys I date are rough around the edges and my parents very conservative and will only be happy with me dating THE BEST. LOL same!!! It's like he needs to be an engineer, doctor or lawyer, have no tattoos, drink no alcohol, be from a respectable family, have the same political opinions….I don't even date bad boys, but those are things I really don't care about xD 1
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I understand this. For me, I have only ever dated 'older women' (but not of pensioner age!) it's just my personal preference in preferring women that are older than me. My parents have never really approved of me dating someone older than me, but they accept it eventually. I think you are right to not tell your parents until you feel ready to. Saying that, does the new person you like start asking questions about why they haven't met your parents yet? How would you handle that if they were ready to but you weren't?
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: But at the end of the day, no dude is going to break up with you because you won't introduce them to family for awhile. I disagree with that. One of my ex girlfriends from a few years ago was pushing to meet my family after a few months of dating - it just didn't sit well with me and I kept delaying the inevitable until she broke it off with me. I guess it's different for everyone. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I don't think you should have to go through the effort of keeping it a "secret". You should be free to mention your boyfriend whenever it naturally comes up, without having the pressure of making up stories and hiding things. For example, what if you spend a lot of time with your boyfriend and go places with him... you'd never be able to talk about things you did with your boyfriend. Instead I think you should put up firm boundaries regarding your family's thinking they have the right to judge or meddle in your dating life. If they start doing that, let them know that they are being rude and you don't want to hear it. If they continue being rude then just end the conversation, say you are not going to talk to them until they are ready to be respectful of you as an adult and your choices.
Miss Spider Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I disagree with that. One of my ex girlfriends from a few years ago was pushing to meet my family after a few months of dating - it just didn't sit well with me and I kept delaying the inevitable until she broke it off with me. I guess it's different for everyone. In general, I think women feel differently about this/put more importance on it than men, but I could be wrong. Edited June 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author contel3 Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: Saying that, does the new person you like start asking questions about why they haven't met your parents yet? How would you handle that if they were ready to but you weren't? I probably would avoid the issue too. Or maybe give them a timeframe for me to work up to it. This probably sounds stupid, but I always introduce the topic that I'm seeing someone over the course of several weeks to my family…..like I work up to it and "prep" them for the meeting. 1
Miss Spider Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) Of course they will probably ask questions. But the way I see it is that part of love is understanding. They are my parents and you’re dating me, not them. if I am not ready then I’m not ready. They can either except who I am or bounce and no one has bounced yet 5 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I understand this. For me, I have only ever dated 'older women' (but not of pensioner age!) it's just my personal preference in preferring women that are older than me. My parents have never really approved of me dating someone older than me, but they accept it eventually. I think you are right to not tell your parents until you feel ready to. Saying that, does the new person you like start asking questions about why they haven't met your parents yet? How would you handle that if they were ready to but you weren't? Edited June 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 11 hours ago, contel3 said: I probably would avoid the issue too. Or maybe give them a timeframe for me to work up to it. This probably sounds stupid, but I always introduce the topic that I'm seeing someone over the course of several weeks to my family…..like I work up to it and "prep" them for the meeting. Exactly. I had given her a timeframe that I was only one month away from achieving before she could have met my family, but that was when she broke it off due to her own impatience. 1
Grey40 Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Yup very common. I never bring a girl to meet my family unless I truly think there’s serious long term potential and it’s been going well for several months.
scooby-philly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 On 6/23/2020 at 10:04 AM, Cookiesandough said: I've kept literally every boyfriend I've had a secret from my family until we broke up. xD The guys I date are rough around the edges and my parents very conservative and will only be happy with me dating THE BEST. I would be going on vacations with their family and they'd still not met mine. One of my bfs mom called it "disconcerting" in a text to my bf about a year and a proposal in and not being formally introduced(he had met my father, but not in a bf/gf context and my dad told him to get the f*** off his property). I broke it off with him though a few weeks later for unrelated reasons. My current bf got a little shty about it "Feel like you're ashamed of me", but at the end of the day, no dude is going to break up with you because you won't introduce them to family for awhile. I say do it on your timeline, but the longer you go, the harder it is to do (Oh yea, this is the guy I've been hiding for a year)I feel like 3-6 months is actually ideal. That's absolute and utter nonsense. Not all men are pigs, not all men want to be "trophies", and not all mean are clueless. Sure, in the first 6 months there's no reason or expectation to meet each other's families. But if you're both over 24/25 and you date for a year or more without meeting each other's families (of course, there might be physical distanced preventing meeting in person....) then one or both of you do not take the relationship seriously. Men need to learn self-respect. I've been "hidden away" before and won't ever go for that again. If you're not proud enough to show me off or if you're not strong enough to show me off if your parents and you don't see eye to eye on the type of person you should date and/or their/your lifestyle, viewpoints, etc. - then I don't mean that much to you.
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 19 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: . If you're not proud enough to show me off or if you're not strong enough to show me off if your parents and you don't see eye to eye on the type of person you should date and/or their/your lifestyle, viewpoints, etc. - then I don't mean that much to you. Ehhhh . . .maybe. If somebody pressed me to meet my parents, my 1st line of defense would be that they were too far away. Most times that ending the discussion. If the person continued, I would further explain that my parents were alcoholics & difficult people all the way around. I really didn't want to subject my SO to their toxicity & the way I kept balance in my life was to avoid them. I never had anybody continue to push to meet them. It was because I cared about the SO that I tried to insulate them from my family.
scooby-philly Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Ehhhh . . .maybe. If somebody pressed me to meet my parents, my 1st line of defense would be that they were too far away. Most times that ending the discussion. If the person continued, I would further explain that my parents were alcoholics & difficult people all the way around. I really didn't want to subject my SO to their toxicity & the way I kept balance in my life was to avoid them. I never had anybody continue to push to meet them. It was because I cared about the SO that I tried to insulate them from my family. Hey my friend. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. And I'm not talking at like 6 months in or even someone pressuring to meet your parents. I mean a situation where no rational explanation had been given and it's been a year or more. And yes, of your family is better left ignored that's fine. But your partner is entitled to know that and understand why once you hit a certain point in dating. 1
alphamale Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 On 6/23/2020 at 9:20 AM, contel3 said: How long do you usually wait to mention to family you are seeing someone? roughly around 6 months assuming things are going ok
Lotsgoingon Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 I'm going to back up and step and say it sounds like your family is a toxic influence. If you revealing who you are dating leads to them quickly criticizing the person, then I'm sorry, you got face up to that unfortunate problem. So my family could be like that, and once I met this great woman and I did not want them to meet her. My father mentioned I could invite her over for dinner, and I said to myself, "oh no way, no way." Now my folks would have been more positive with a guest than they were sometimes with me. But ... you mention you are close to your family. Uh ... time to practice boundaries and to examine your family more closely and perhaps more critically, in the same way they examine your previous partners. Families can destroy relationships. It happens to a shocking degree. Even after people get married, some families are just bad for the couple, just too negative, sniping. Those couples with families like that have to at some point draw a line ... so I'm putting out there for you in the future. At some point, you will need to tell your family to shut up about criticism about your partners. And your leverage can be ... or else I'm NOT bringing my partners to meet you and I won't share about my partners. You probably think I'm over-reacting, but trust me I'm not. I just want to put that on your agenda--denial about the negativity of a partner's family gets couples in a lot of trouble.
Gaeta Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 You have to stop telling too many details at the beginning. If they ask questions just tell them the basic like his age and job. If they insist tell them there is nothing else to say for now. You need to grow a back bone and you're family won't stop loving you for it, they will actually respect you more. I don't see the point of waiting for this relationship to get serious before telling your family about it, actually their critics will hurt you even more that this man has become someone you love. I say it's better you learn to stand your ground. Also, your family loves you, you may find them critical and annoying but who knows, maybe you have a habit of picking the wrong men. The truth is always somewhere in the middle.
Author contel3 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: Also, your family loves you, you may find them critical and annoying but who knows, maybe you have a habit of picking the wrong men. The truth is always somewhere in the middle. That's fair enough. Obviously I didn't pick the partners best suited for me hence why we broke up….weirdly enough even though there were some red flags they don't really seem to pick up on them. Or maybe we see different things as red flags? One of my partners was a bit controlling (as in telling me who I can spend time with and what to wear), but they didn't really mind it... they took issue with the fact that his parents divorced and he had a bad relationship with his mother.
Author contel3 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: I'm going to back up and step and say it sounds like your family is a toxic influence. If you revealing who you are dating leads to them quickly criticizing the person, then I'm sorry, you got face up to that unfortunate problem. So my family could be like that, and once I met this great woman and I did not want them to meet her. My father mentioned I could invite her over for dinner, and I said to myself, "oh no way, no way." Now my folks would have been more positive with a guest than they were sometimes with me. But ... you mention you are close to your family. Uh ... time to practice boundaries and to examine your family more closely and perhaps more critically, in the same way they examine your previous partners. Families can destroy relationships. It happens to a shocking degree. Even after people get married, some families are just bad for the couple, just too negative, sniping. Those couples with families like that have to at some point draw a line ... so I'm putting out there for you in the future. At some point, you will need to tell your family to shut up about criticism about your partners. And your leverage can be ... or else I'm NOT bringing my partners to meet you and I won't share about my partners. You probably think I'm over-reacting, but trust me I'm not. I just want to put that on your agenda--denial about the negativity of a partner's family gets couples in a lot of trouble. Yeah, I'm really close with my family. It's not like we don't get along. We spend a lot of time together. It is kinda hard to stay objective since well…..it's my family. I really like that we are so close, at the same time I do think we have an issue with boundaries. Everywhere, not only with romantic partners. They are the same with my friends. I repeatedly had to remind them I don't like picking appart my friends character. They tend to get upset if I "hide" things from them and really want to have a say in what I do. While I realize they are too involved, I don't know how to set boundaries without hurting their feelings.
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