Am I wrong for breaking up with my fiancé this way?

[Fox Sake]

Right decision for him, for you to leave. Your basis was wrong tho and that’s why it’s the right thing to happen. 
 

I read your whole post. It was all about you. Very little reflection, if any,  on how YOUR actions could have paved the way to this happening.
It was all about looking to justify yourself. He’s not innocent either, but he isn’t here to accept anything anyone has to say. So let’s focus on you. 

Getting your family involved was outright wrong. That’s bullying and manipulative. 
Using them as your emotional backup and ammunition will do nothing but make him feel like you’re all ganging up. 
 

im sure there is more to it than this, but for you to go to the extent you did, just because he was tired .... then to use the tired excuse back on him after the Monastery visit was childish IMO. You acted out of anger and annoyance, with out taking a step back , or putting yourself in his shoes. It made you sound a little spoiled.  

im not telling you this to be nasty. I could be outright wrong about it all , I can o it go on what you wrote,  and it sounds like things have been rocky for a while.
It doesn’t sound like a well balanced relationship but the way you acted towards each other in situations was incredibly immature and insensitive. 
you both have a part to play in this.  I suggest you use this time to figure out what YOU could have done to make things better or be a better or more understanding person. All I can hope for him,  is that he does the same. 
 

Edited June 24, 2020 by Fox Sake

[d0nnivain]

Fox Sake 

The monastery visit was the last straw for her.  When that dam burst it was catastrophic. 

They live in another country & rarely see her parents.  They do see his mom & step father more frequently.   He'd been telling her she was wrong & histrionic for months but didn't have the sensitivity to postpone their engagement knowing she was upset after the death of her pet.   Even though they were engaged he told some other person that she was his "friend" when she was actually his fiancée.  That is very hurtful & demeaning.  It reads like he's embarrassed of her.   She asked if HE wanted to her parents involved in their fight.  He agreed to get them involved.  She didn't just go tattling to them.   Plus she sacrifices for him; yet when she asked for some family time he pouted like a toddler.  Even if he was tired, he could have slept in the car.  You make time for things that are important to people we love.  when she asked him to leave the house so she could gather her thoughts, calm down & deescalate he challenged her authority to ask him to leave & he got all defensive.  

While the OPs post implies some immaturity, this break up was not solely her fault.  

[deepthinking]

"I got more annoyed" Okay, but most wo/men are not into anger, annoyance etc. You really can say what is wrong without the need to emote. Just say things more gently.

Edited June 24, 2020 by deepthinking

[Fox Sake]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Fox Sake 

The monastery visit was the last straw for her.  When that dam burst it was catastrophic. 

They live in another country & rarely see her parents.  They do see his mom & step father more frequently.   He'd been telling her she was wrong & histrionic for months but didn't have the sensitivity to postpone their engagement knowing she was upset after the death of her pet.   Even though they were engaged he told some other person that she was his "friend" when she was actually his fiancée.  That is very hurtful & demeaning.  It reads like he's embarrassed of her.   She asked if HE wanted to her parents involved in their fight.  He agreed to get them involved.  She didn't just go tattling to them.   Plus she sacrifices for him; yet when she asked for some family time he pouted like a toddler.  Even if he was tired, he could have slept in the car.  You make time for things that are important to people we love.  when she asked him to leave the house so she could gather her thoughts, calm down & deescalate he challenged her authority to ask him to leave & he got all defensive.  

While the OPs post implies some immaturity, this break up was not solely her fault.  

Thanks for sharing that.  I also agree it wasn’t her fault entirely , I believe I said as much. However, seeing as her partner isn’t on here,  there isn’t any way of telling him that. I hate being negative towards anyone, and that certainly wasn’t my intention, but I believe if we can accept some of our own faults - we can become better people and make future relationships better 

[sensitivegirl0]

UPDATE: First of all thank you all for your precious suggestions, opinions and advices.

 

We broke up last friday, he deleted me from his social media platforms and all hour pictures on monday. and tuesday he messaged me the following:

—

 

HIM: Hi, i am just giving you a head up, ill be moving out probably by the end of august to another house thats cheaper, so you can come collect your stuff before that or I can move your stuff to my new place and you can collect it whenever you come (but i know you don’t want that). + i will probably go back to london sometime in july, if you want anything for me to do just let me know.

 

ME: ok, thank you for letting me know.

 

HIM: No problem. the earliest i will move out is 22nd august. i will let you know when i leave for london then, i probably will need to get the keys for the house, did you ask about the ring ? i guess you can also give it back to me when you give me the keys. 

 

ME: ok, whatever you want, let me know when is good for you and we sort it out. 

 

——

in november 2019,  i moved to his house (he was with his brother in the house and we were three of us then). in feb this year we all signed a new contract so that my name was in the contract. and i had the keys of the house here with me. also during the break up night on the phone, i mentioned the ring and not sure what happens when someone breaks engagement. he told me ask about it and we talk.

——

 

Today is the 6th day of break up and i have been missing him so much since the day 1 of the break up. And i reflected on the whole relationship, i already realised some of my faults, i have been impulsive in some instances, like last one. 

 

i am feeling guilty and i feel like it was my fault i lost him. 

 

on the other hand, at times, i also blame him for things that he did wrong and i feel like it was also him losing me. 

 

i know what was missing from his side also. 

 

it felt like he was looking for an escape since january. he did not care about this relationship since January when he first mentioned breaking up (and this was 6 days after hour engagement). 

 

after that within these six months up to our final fight on friday, he was not patient with me at all, every small misunderstanding become so big in his eyes ending up him saying he doesn't want it anymore, he is fed up, he doesn't want to continue like this. 

 

for him i was always overreacting and if we had a fight it was my fault and my unreasonable feelings. 

 

another reason why i felt like he was looking for an escape was, he let me down by promising to go to counselling to work on this relationship three months ago. but 2 weeks ago, he rejected this idea saying “if a relationship needs counselling it means it is over.” he didn’t say this before, even last year, we considered going to counselling, he booked it but because we felt like we are good for that moment, we didn’t go. 

 

On the other hand, although, within these six months, he looked like he was looking for an escape in every argument (3 times or so), other times, he seemed so happy all the time, talking about future, how much he loves everyday. in a way, he was lovebombing me, full of attention, messaging me often, calling me, coming to see me, doing everything like he was doing since day 1. 

 

I still want to work on this relationship. and i don’t want to give the ring back as it has so much meaning for me. i don’t want to look desperate also. i want to apologise for my mistakes, but i don’t know how or if i should at this stage. i don’t know if its too early to apologise. i also want him to realise his mistakes. i think thats only when we can re-unite.

 

so when we meet up for the keys and the ring, what do you think i should tell him? should i give him the ring just like that? 

 

also my friend suggested i write him a letter, talking about how things made me feel in our relationship, and how it would not work this way.

 

what do you think?

 

[sensitivegirl0]

UPDATE: 

also, in january when he broke up with me. he  told his mother about the argument and break up after we decided to continue,  his mother called my mother saying "this time its all Sensitevegirl's fault" (my fault), but my son decided to give her a change". and my mother said i dont know what happened, my daugter didnt tell me anything but i believe in a relationship its always two people contributing toward a problem (something along those lines).

snce than his mother was not the same towards me.

and my parents and friends think his mother plays a big part in this break up. they think she put the idea of break up in his mind or efffected him.

[sensitivegirl0]

16 minutes ago, sensitivegirl0 said:

We broke up last friday, he deleted me from his social media platforms and all hour pictures on monday. and tuesday he messaged me the following:

—

 

HIM: Hi, i am just giving you a head up, ill be moving out probably by the end of august to another house thats cheaper, so you can come collect your stuff before that or I can move your stuff to my new place and you can collect it whenever you come (but i know you don’t want that). + i will probably go back to london sometime in july, if you want anything for me to do just let me know.

 

ME: ok, thank you for letting me know.

 

HIM: No problem. the earliest i will move out is 22nd august. i will let you know when i leave for london then, i probably will need to get the keys for the house, did you ask about the ring ? i guess you can also give it back to me when you give me the keys. 

 

ME: ok, whatever you want, let me know when is good for you and we sort it out. 

 

sorry i missed the last text.

HIM: thank you MY NAME, i will let you know.

[schlumpy]

I think he wants you to beg him to come back.

He mentions leaving for London twice which strikes me as warning to you. This feels like a power play.

He must feel as if you are taking advantage of him and not prioritizing him in you life. I don't know if that's true, it's just what I read. This move is a way to restore his power in the relationship.

Couples compromise all the time. Who has the power in a relationship is a tricky proposition. I've met couples where it seemed like the guy was in control everything until I got to know them and realized his wife was controlling all the marriage choke points.

What kind of relationship do you want? Do want a traditional "Me Tarzan, You Jane" type relationship? How would you see the power influence being parceled out if you were to marry? What do you envision?

You have some choices to make.

If you are ready to move on and your parents are your priority at this time, then quit talking to him and collect your possessions when he isn't there. Have him box them up for quick retrieval. Move on with your life a soon as you recover emotionally.

You other alternative is to leave the door open and stay available and friendly. When you collect your possessions make a big show of it and drop some comments like, "Hey, remember when I wore this dress? That was wonderful evening." Show that you are open to reconciliation without saying it. Always be available for conversation. 

As an aside and perhaps you find this unwelcome, I don't think your parents staying out of your relationship was a good thing. I understand their position and how uncomfortable it can be but I think it would have been better for them to pick and choose where to dip a toe into the waters.

In my humble opinion your parents should have told you that it did not matter to them if your fiancée went or not. That it was OK if you wanted to drive up by yourself. That takes pressure off of you so you could concentrate on your fiancée. Instead they let it ride knowing you would prioritize them over him.

I don't know if that would have solved it for you but it would have been a positive way for you parents to not interfere by indicating their indifference.

Well, you have till August 22 to think about it. 

[d0nnivain]

I think he's done but he's being mature about the untangling you two need to do regarding the apartment & your stuff etc. 

You say he 1st mentioned breaking up 6 days after he proposed & that he's been snippy with you since.  All of that points to a man who doesn't want to be married. I agree with him that if you need counseling to make a dating relationship work, it's not worth the effort.  Marriage counseling is a good thing.  Individual counseling is healthy but I have never believed in couple's therapy for non-married people.  N.B. that is different from pre-marital counseling you need in certain religions to prevent later conflict.  

I'd give the ring back, make plans to get your stuff & move on.  

[introverted1]

He actually sounds quite reasonable at this point.

Make arrangements to collect your stuff and return the ring.