Am I wrong for breaking up with my fiancé this way?

[sensitivegirl0]

Hello,

Four days ago on Friday, I (30 F) broke up with my fiance (29M) and I want to get some opinions on if it was the right decision or get a second opinion about if I was wrong to do it.

It was my mother's birthday on Friday and he came to visit in the afternoon. My mother and father had a plan to go to a trip on Saturday to a two-hour city to a monastery because I and my father had a very bad eye infection and my mother made a vow (it's a cultural thing) "when my husbands and daughters eyes recover I will visit the monastery". anyways. they said to me tell your fiance and let's go all together. although the main aim of this trip seems like going to the monastery, this would be a road trip as we would travel by the seaside, sitting somewhere near the beach eat lunch, feed the donkeys on the road, take pictures near the beach, etc, visit the monastery and come back.

Knowing my fiance always wanted to do this trip, in fact, he suggested going there for Saturday on Thursday night (literally one night ago), I thought the would be happy to join.

when I told him about the trip, he said its a last-minute plan, he is tired, he doesn't wanna go, it is too early for him. (we would leave at 9 am). then my mother said we can leave later on around 10 am or later. he still said no, I am tired. My mum left right after. he told me he needed a bit more notice so that he could prepare himself psychologically.

I got upset because he mentioned going there with me on Saturday, but when my mum asked me to go together he said no, saying he is tired.

He asked me if I am bothered if he doesn't go, I said it is ok if he doesn't come, I cannot force him but I am disappointed a little bit because this would be the first time we would go somewhere all together with my parents, and it is important for me that he participated in family activities like this. I always go to his family events.

he said I am sorry I disappointed you but I'm not coming (in a very sarcastic and mean way). I got really upset as to me it sounded like he didn't care it is important that he comes. also, he didn't have a valid reason apart from saying he is tired. (he is always up for plans with me no matter how early it is).

when I said if the problem is my parents because he was willing to go there with me, he said it's not like that, he is ok with my parents, but he also said he prefers going with me only.

I got more annoyed. I told him I don't know how this relationship would work long term because these kinds of things are important for me if he had a valid reason or another plan I would understand. on top of everything, I'm telling him I am disappointed and upset but he doesn't even care. he suggested he comes to see me after we come back from the trip. but since we would come back late around 6 pm I said i would be tired and we could meet on Sunday instead. and the whole point was i wanted to something different as a family. he said it doesn't matter if i am tired or not. he would come. i said it matters if i am tired, he doesn't wanna come because he is tired it is ok, but when i am tired he still wants to meet me?

anyways i didn't want to speak more to him i was so annoyed, i told him i don't wanna speak more and he can leave if he wants. he is like you are firing me out of your house, i said no, i just dont wanna speak because im done you always care about yourself and i just don't know if i want to continue this relationship. he just said ok and agreed. my mother comes in, i asked him if he wants to tell my parents about it, he said yes let's tell them we are not getting along.

we told my parents. they said they don't want to be involved, we should speak when we are calm.

He left.

When he went home he called me saying he did not do anything wrong and he is still not coming, and after all the things I did, and embarrassing him in front of my parents, he doesn't want this relationship and he deserves better. he said I even fired him out of my house, which was not the case. i just said he can leave if he wants because im done talking with him.

he also said he has been keeping in so many things just so this relationship would work. When i asked him what those things are, he gave me an example of our engagement night in my house when i didn't go to a meal with him because i was upset due to my rabbit's death. he made it sound like it was stupid of me just because my rabbit died. In reality, what happened was I killed my rabbit by stepping on it in a very traumatic way, we rescued the baby rabbit from a dog and i was looking after her, she was sleeping in my bed with me, i had a connection with the rabbit and the way i killed her one day before our engagement killed me :( i cried for 3-4 days, and i was numb on our engagement night. i could feel my feet stepping on it for around three days. I thought he understood me. on our engagement night after it ended we were supposed to go dinner both of us but i couldn't pretend to be ok and i just went to my bed. he said he is there for me and we agreed to go when i feel better. this was 6 months ago. the way he brought it up in a very cruel way when we were breaking up left me speechless.

we broke up on my mother's birthday.

Fast forward to yesterday, i woke up in the morning to see he removed me from all his social media platforms, deleted our pictures. he also deleted my mother. I understand him deleting me, but why did he delete my mother who did nothing until today to hurt him? I at last expected again out of respect, all the meals my mum cooked for him or all the nice moments we had with her, he would not cut contact with her like this. I will keep his ants, mother, brother on my social media as I had no problem with them. his mother also deleted our engagement picture.

sorry for my bad English and if i didn't explain this very well.

but i wanna know if I am wrong for breaking up with him.

Just to add a few points, on Thursday night we visited my fiance's mother and stepfather with my parents after months due to covid. My father and his stepfather are really good friends for more than 20 years. We know him before he married my fiance's mother (they are married for 10 years). he was so happy, he told me I'm his future wife and he can't wait to have kids and be a big family. and just 5 days before during the weekend, he told me he had one of the best weekends with me and he is so happy to have me in his life. if this is the case, then how come you behave like this? i feel played a little bit.

PS: he has been trying to break up with me in every instance in every small thing since January, since 6 days after our engagement. for him everything i do was wrong. for instance, two weeks before this, i got upset because i thought he called me a friend ina game to other people. he said i behave so absurdly, its funny how i get upset over a game, i should not get upset on nonsense things like this if i want this relationship to work. i tried to explain him, i misunderstood and i am sorry but he seemed not to care, he kept insisting i was wrong for misunderstanding and giving him attitude bla bla. he was like before giving me attitude and getting upset, try and ask me....same day i suggested we go to couple counseling (this was something he promised to do 3 months ago) but he said he is not going. if someone needs to go to counseling it is me. because the problem is me. I should go and learn how to behave he said.

PS: he is a mothers boy. his father left them when he was 7, they don't know where he is. he is under his mother's control. early on in our relationship when we were talking about our future plans, i said i would like to move back to our home country in 2 years time maximum (we both living in the UK but got stuck in our home country since February. he works in the uk and i was doing my phd which i completed in November 2019. i failed to find a job there til today so i wanted to try my change in my home country which is more easy). I asked him what his plans? he said he can move to if thats what i want. even though we would earn a bit less in our home country, he said money is not as important as having a family and being with your special partner. he was like you can always earn money but you cant find a special person always. I was like wow we think alike about where to live in the future. fast forwars to 6 months after this convo, we had a little argument about something, and he wanted to break up, he also mentioned that day he thought about moving back but he is not gonna move back, he was like i told you we can move back but at the tikme i i didnt give it a good thought. after a day i told him we should break up then so we dont waste each others time, he came to my house start crying and said he doesnt wanna lose me, so we can move back when we both find a job in our home country. A few months later he proposed to me, we also visited our home country for our traditional engagment. when we visited our home country, his mother told me (more like dictated) out of nowhere when we were alone with her, you will both stay in teh uk, there is no life back here, they dont even pay the salaries here properly!. and my fiance also told me he doesn't know what he will tell his mother if we move back and he said he is not moving back for at least 4 more years etc etc. so he changed his mind again. when i asked him how this will work then? you were not saying this to me before engagment? he said again we can move back when we are both ready. so he again changed his mind.

 

his mother video called him every day, no matter what we were doing he was answering, messaged him throughout the day couple of times, asks him about everything, he tells her everything etc. i find it odd that in some instances, when we posted on insta story we were having a meal in a restaurant in the uk that she knows of, she was messaging my fiance saying she was jealous.

[schlumpy]

If your feelings are as you have profiled them, then I don't see where you had any other choice. You are both at an age where your relationships with your parents are set in stone as to what you expect from you significant other. You will need find a SO that feels the same way you do about respect for your parents.

I do think he missed or ignored, how important this was to you. I think most men would have gritted their teeth and said, "I'll be happy to attend even if they aren't." Too stay together demands compromise. If you can't override you feelings to make a sacrifice for the one you love, then you most likely do not belong together.

[introverted1]

It sounds like he broke up with you, after you asked him to leave your house. 

Either way, it is probably for the best, as it appears you both have some maturing to do.  It's never a good sign in a relationship when partners are constantly talking about breaking up, or questioning if they should be together, or having so many misunderstandings:  this is not an environment where love and trust can grow.

[d0nnivain]

Your English is fine.  

It sounds like this engagement was troubled from the beginning.  The timing was bad.  Sorry about your rabbit.  Knowing about your loss, your then BF would have been better off delaying the proposal until some of your grief had passed. 

In his defense if you only gave him a few hours notice about an all day trip with your family I can understand some of his reluctance but I also see your point about wanting to do things as a family.  He could have sucked it up & slept in the car on the drive  if he was that tired.  We do all make sacrifices for those we love. 

He disconnected from you & your mom on social media because he is no longer going to be part of your family. He was connected to your mom through you.  Now that you are broken up it's best that he separate from her too.  Similarly, you need to disconnect from his relatives. If you are not marrying him, they have no reason to keep you on their social media. When my cousin divorced, I deleted his Ex-Wife.  I didn't want her to have that kind of insight  into our family once she was no longer part of it.  

[kendahke]

it's really bad form to get your parents in on your disagreement with your fiance. You're 30--you're old enough to resolve this without 'telling on him'.

This all sounds like a power struggle on your part and if that's the case, then you two are incompatible.

What's done is done. No sense in trying to form a posse about it.

Edited June 23, 2020 by kendahke

[sensitivegirl0]

15 minutes ago, kendahke said:

it's really bad form to get your parents in on your disagreement with your fiance. You're 30--you're old enough to resolve this without 'telling on him'.

 

I asked him if it is ok for him to tell my parents that we decided this relationship is not working. he said ok. thats the difference. and the way it happened was, when we were done talking, my mother walked it,, thats when i asked him (my mum did not hear). I accept it was not the best move, but i believe he is as guilty as me. if he really cared, he could stop me and say something like, "no, lets solve this problem, no need to tell anyone."

 

I love the quote by the  way "If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer."  it is very meaningful right now.

Edited June 23, 2020 by sensitivegirl0

[sensitivegirl0]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If your feelings are as you have profiled them, then I don't see where you had any other choice. You are both at an age where your relationships with your parents are set in stone as to what you expect from you significant other. You will need find a SO that feels the same way you do about respect for your parents.

I do think he missed or ignored, how important this was to you. I think most men would have gritted their teeth and said, "I'll be happy to attend even if they aren't." Too stay together demands compromise. If you can't override you feelings to make a sacrifice for the one you love, then you most likely do not belong together.

I felt that he did not miss, but ignored how important this was to me. this what hurt me the most apart from the way he spoke to me. which made me think that he doesn't really care about me or love me. i told him this, all he said was this was not the case.

I agree with you, most men would have gritted their teeth and participate for their loved one.

I remember, 2-3 weeks ago, we had eid. The first day of eid was the exact day i woke up with swollen, blurry, watery and red eyes due to infection.  my eyes were quite bad that day even though they got worse in the following days. the weather was really windy that day also to the extent of storm. and i am scared to drive in those kind of weather. i was meant to go to his grandparents house 30 mins away around 12pm, because they were all gathering there. and then we would come back to my house and my relatives. Combining these two situations (my eyes and storm), i told him i will wait to see if storm gets better (because i checked it would get better around 1-2pm) and then i would visit. he said to me, ok, we go to your ants after if the storm is not that bad too..... i just said ok. 

but just because i knew from his text that he was annoyed, i went to his grandparents house around 1pm even though storm was still bad. and i mentioned nothing about my eyes. if i wanted i could stay home because he saw in camera talk my eyes were bad. he asked me if i wanna go, i said yes i do. i wanted to be there. 

Clearly, he could not do the same for me when it was about my parents because he was "tired".

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by sensitivegirl0

[sensitivegirl0]

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your English is fine.  

It sounds like this engagement was troubled from the beginning.  The timing was bad.  Sorry about your rabbit.  Knowing about your loss, your then BF would have been better off delaying the proposal until some of your grief had passed. 

In his defense if you only gave him a few hours notice about an all day trip with your family I can understand some of his reluctance but I also see your point about wanting to do things as a family.  He could have sucked it up & slept in the car on the drive  if he was that tired.  We do all make sacrifices for those we love. 

He disconnected from you & your mom on social media because he is no longer going to be part of your family. He was connected to your mom through you.  Now that you are broken up it's best that he separate from her too.  Similarly, you need to disconnect from his relatives. If you are not marrying him, they have no reason to keep you on their social media. When my cousin divorced, I deleted his Ex-Wife.  I didn't want her to have that kind of insight  into our family once she was no longer part of it.  

I also wish we postponed the engagement but everything happens for a reason. 

"He could have sucked it up & slept in the car on the drive  if he was that tired.  We do all make sacrifices for those we love. " I agree with you. and we gave him one day notice.

I get your point about deleting the family members in order to disconnect. i will consider doing that too, but when i think about it, i find it kind of rude as we exchanged a lot of time, things etc. or maybe i am still holding on and wishing to get back together, im not sure. 

[d0nnivain]

You can say goodbye first if you like.  I have done that when a relationship ended but I liked the family.  It is a classy thing to do rather then just deleting but the disconnect has to happen.  

 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, sensitivegirl0 said:

i believe he is as guilty as me. if he really cared, he could stop me and say something like, "no, lets solve this problem, no need to tell anyone."

You are old enough to come to that conclusion on your own without anyone having to tell you.

You're basically saying you have no control over what you say and you need someone else to babysit you.

[manfrombelow]

First off, when you want people to give you their opinions on your personal matter, the last thing you wanna do is to give them a wall-of-text.

Secondly, it's silly to break up with your fiance over such trivial matters, and deep down, you know it too.

Lastly, he said he prefers to go with you, not with your parents. That's a pretty valid reason. You basically made a mountain out of a molehill, which is a typical feminine behaviour.

Personally, I'm glad you guys broke up, seeing how impulsive and immature you were.

[d0nnivain]

Her fiancé refusing to participate in family outings is hardly a trivial matter.  Then he was dismissive of her feelings.  It was OK for him to get out of the trip because he was tired but the he expected her to be available for him after the trip & would not accept that she was going to be tired.  

Although this was not a molehill, men make mountains out of molehills too.  It's not only a woman's failing.  

[Whodatdog]

I think part of being in a good relationship is letting people be themselves. I dont see any reason to have forced the fiance to go with you with your parents, if he said he was tired and didnt want to go. Whether he was tired or not, he didnt want to go. Maybe I missed reading between the lines; does the fiance always not want to go with you and your parents? Or was this just one time when he wanted to spend time with you and not the whole family. 

You chose this hill to die on, and I hope you're happy with that. Maybe a more prudent thing would have been to just tell fiance that you were going to go, and you'd see him when you get back. I would never force my SO to go do something with me if he didnt want to go, and he certainly wouldnt with me.

[preraph]

It's odd that he's kind of a momma's boy himself and close to his family but can't understand why these things would be important to you.  It just sounds like he doesn't have any empathy, and that is very bad.  That rabbit thing, you poor thing.  Anyone with a heart would have known how traumatic it was.  Even if it didn't happen to me, it would have ruined my day just knowing about it.  So he is kind of without empathy.  I don't know if it's because he's narcissistic or worse, but he isn't thinking of other people's feelings properly.  

 

I think it's good you didn't marry him and now can just walk away and find someone better.  It's not always easy to find someone who wants to hang out with your family, however (I'm kind of that way), but the fact he wanted to go but not with them just sounds like he's never going to be someone who can compromise.  I get if he's tired and that it was last minute, however.  Still, it's the other stuff. This was just the last thing in a series, sounds like.  I think you're well rid of him.  You may have to compromise yourself one day though because a lot of people don't want to hang out with someone else's family any more often than they have to, so be prepared to do that alone most of the time.  

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

Your behaviour was manipulative and irrational. You had no right to emasculate him in front of your parents. For that reason alone you are very much in the wrong. You’re supposed to respect and support the person that you supposedly  love and cherish, and more to point you should respect them in front of your family. You did not! 
 

I understand why you feel how you feel about him opting out the trip but you went way over the top. What you should have done was accept his decision, go on the trip, then discuss with him afterwards how this behaviour made you feel. This would have also given him opportunity to express to you why he felt the way he did too. 
 

He even offered to come and see you afterwards but instead you chose to play a manipulative game, I presume to teach him a lesson. That strategy didn’t work and I think you realise now what a mistake that was. 
 

You’ve lost this guy but use this as a lesson to improve your communication style. Games never work. 
 

 

 
 

 

[preraph]

I will second the above, that you should NOT be involving your parents that much in your problems with your man.  You can consult them, but you shouldn't put them in the middle.  That is not right.  If that is what you're comfortable with, you are a little too dependent on them emotionally.  

[sensitivegirl0]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You can say goodbye first if you like.  I have done that when a relationship ended but I liked the family.  It is a classy thing to do rather then just deleting but the disconnect has to happen.  

 

This is a good idea. thank you

[sensitivegirl0]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

You are old enough to come to that conclusion on your own without anyone having to tell you.

You're basically saying you have no control over what you say and you need someone else to babysit you.

Of course i can control what i say. however, my patience has a limit especially when the person who i love is making me feel like i am talking to a brick-wall and dismissing my feelings which he has done many times previously. 

we spoke perhaps for 15-20 mins with him until it reached to the point i told him this relationship wont work. within these 15-20 mins, although i stated clearly more than once to him, how important it was for me if he could join this trip and be there with me and that was what i expected (please be aware i didn't force him to come, in fact i told him even if i am disappointed it is ok if he doesn't come, i cant force him and) he insisted on saying he wont come like a very stubborn person. i at least expected some compromise after all. instead, even though i told him i was upset and disappointed, he said he is sorry for disappointing me but he is still not coming because he is tired. I mean even the most tired person would understand how important it was and say ok i will come and be there with you. i lost my patience.

as i mentioned above, when it comes to family events/gatherings i always was there for him just because i  didnt want to let him down even when i had eye infection.

When i reverse the roles, i was at his house, his mother invited me to this trip for next day, we talked about going to this trip with my fiance one night before, i was soo tired, but my fiance wanted me to be there, i would go. i would rather go than upsetting him and letting him down. in fact i would be honoured that him and his family wanted me there. considering his mother would compromise and say we can go a bit later on if you are tired.

Edited June 23, 2020 by sensitivegirl0

[sensitivegirl0]

2 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

First off, when you want people to give you their opinions on your personal matter, the last thing you wanna do is to give them a wall-of-text.

Secondly, it's silly to break up with your fiance over such trivial matters, and deep down, you know it too.

Lastly, he said he prefers to go with you, not with your parents. That's a pretty valid reason. You basically made a mountain out of a molehill, which is a typical feminine behaviour.

Personally, I'm glad you guys broke up, seeing how impulsive and immature you were.

you call this a trivial matter but for me it is an important matter.

if we will categorise behaviours here as feminine and masculine, then i would say being, inconsiderate, insensitive and dismissive to the other person's feelings and trying to be in control by saying  i wont see you when you want but you will see me when i want, these are typical masculine behaviours.

[sensitivegirl0]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op 

Your behaviour was manipulative and irrational. You had no right to emasculate him in front of your parents. For that reason alone you are very much in the wrong. You’re supposed to respect and support the person that you supposedly  love and cherish, and more to point you should respect them in front of your family. You did not! 
 

I understand why you feel how you feel about him opting out the trip but you went way over the top. What you should have done was accept his decision, go on the trip, then discuss with him afterwards how this behaviour made you feel. This would have also given him opportunity to express to you why he felt the way he did too. 
 

He even offered to come and see you afterwards but instead you chose to play a manipulative game, I presume to teach him a lesson. That strategy didn’t work and I think you realise now what a mistake that was. 
 

You’ve lost this guy but use this as a lesson to improve your communication style. Games never work. 
 

 

 
 

 

first of all, i didn't play a manipulative game, when i said i would be tired after the trip so we should meet Sunday, i meant it. plus even that day i was out with friends until 5 pm, he came to meet us in my house around 6pm to chill for a little bit and eat my mothers birthday cake etc. and i didn't want to meet him again around 7-8 pm next day in my house after a long tiring day. i cannot stand heat and i am always knackered after such trips as we live in a hot country.

it would be better if i behaved the way you described, however, i dont think it would solve our problems long term. for instance, he also told me when we were talking (before parents getting involved) "if you told me that it bothered you that i wasnt coming when i first asked you then i would come". because when he first asked me i said it is ok if he doenst come. but then he could see from my face i was annoyed. when he asked second time, i told him. 

This was one the problems, he always expected me to behave feel and talk the way he wanted me to. if i didnt, i was criticized to hell. he didnt get the idea that we are two different people and i cannot behave talk and feel or react to things the same way he would do. we talked about this two weeks ago, two months ago, 6 months ago, etc etc. but still no improvement.

 

he promised me to go to couple counselling to work on these issues and communication issues, however two weeks ago he let me down and rejected going.

 

i was willing to work on these problems, but he was not. on top of these, when he refused to come by dismissing my feelings, and finding fault in how i did not tell him i was annoyed first time he asked me if i am bothered that he was not coming, i exploded.

Edited June 23, 2020 by sensitivegirl0

[sensitivegirl0]

2 hours ago, Whodatdog said:

 Maybe I missed reading between the lines; does the fiance always not want to go with you and your parents? Or was this just one time when he wanted to spend time with you and not the whole family. 

he always wanted to go with me. no matter how tired he was. i never heard from him i am tired lets not meet up, only couple of times in 20 months. it was always me telling him lets not meet today, i know you are tired. even when i said this, he wanted to meet.

We always spent time (both of us).

and it was the only time we tired to organise something with my parents. it would be something different. i have been so many events, outgoings with his family but we never did with mine. this was due to we lived abroad and we always visited our home country for short time.

he knew my parents would not be able to go another weekend because they will start construction work in my house. so this was the only weekend this trip would happen. but oh well, it happened without him and i was heartbroken the whole day.

Edited June 23, 2020 by sensitivegirl0

[d0nnivain]

Look there was more then this that caused the break up.  That said, if you knew your mom wanted to go to this monastery & this was the only weekend where you could fit it in, why didn't you tell your FI about these plans sooner than the day before?  

It was handled badly all around but it did show serious cracks in your communication & priorities.  IT seems he's not much into compromise or taking your wants into account.  In a good healthy relationship when you point out an inequity, the other person ought to suck it up & comply.  

[sensitivegirl0]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Look there was more then this that caused the break up.  That said, if you knew your mom wanted to go to this monastery & this was the only weekend where you could fit it in, why didn't you tell your FI about these plans sooner than the day before?  

It was handled badly all around but it did show serious cracks in your communication & priorities.  IT seems he's not much into compromise or taking your wants into account.  In a good healthy relationship when you point out an inequity, the other person ought to suck it up & comply.  

my mother mentioned this plan to me on thursday but it wasnt set, it was a possibility. and we went to their house that night as i mentioned above. my mother told me after all this happened that, she invited my fiance's mother and step father that night to this trip but stepfather has migraine so they wouldn't come (me and my fiance was not there when this conversation happened so i didnt know my mother invited my fiances mother and stepfather). 

I told my fiance about my mother's birthday cake and small celabration that would take place on friday on thursday night also. so this was very short notice too but he was fine with it. i am guessing why? because he also knew that i was out with friend till 5-6pm and he would come only for a few hours. and we were usually meeting up in my house for a few hours on fridays as he works from home and finishes work around 5pm. so this was a usual plan for him. 

i dont really know to be honest. i start to think that this was meant to happen. and it was more than this that caused the break up. i agree with you. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I recognize a sincere (moment of self-reflection) here by the OP...

 

and while the long read begins to hint that the male fiance is manipulative, or is on the road toward being manipulative (for a lifetime)...  I can't really guess at how to interpret the original invitation (on the monastery trip) from his perspective.

I get that your mother's (commitment) made the monastery trip an important 'thing'...   

 

And there maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay be  some ideal  psychological preparation  which we can't clearly perceive from our keyboards, based on culture, or something.

 

OR he had just... conceived a vision of you and he going there alone, to meet your parents there on (the Saturday?)...  and maybe he had ideas about other places/things to do, and your unwillingness to (be available for that early trip to the same area) ruined his visions and reduced his will for just being at the monastery.

 

(yet had the same exact, spontaneous invitation WITH your parents come up, without his earlier envisioning  traveling separately, with you, to the same place... he may well have been inclined to go on the shared trip )

 

Beyond all of that, his constant pressuring with the phrase   "... if you want this relationship to work"   just gives early hints as to his strong inclination toward manipulating you over time.

 

(from his vantage point, it should probably read:     " (you'll have to do/see it MY way)  IF you want this relationship to work"  whenever he says that)

 

I wish I could answer you while somehow knowing that cultural differences  aren't clouding things about my interpretations.

 

 

 

[Roswell91]

14 hours ago, sensitivegirl0 said:

Hello,

Four days ago on Friday, I (30 F) broke up with my fiance (29M) and I want to get some opinions on if it was the right decision or get a second opinion about if I was wrong to do it.

It was my mother's birthday on Friday and he came to visit in the afternoon. My mother and father had a plan to go to a trip on Saturday to a two-hour city to a monastery because I and my father had a very bad eye infection and my mother made a vow (it's a cultural thing) "when my husbands and daughters eyes recover I will visit the monastery". anyways. they said to me tell your fiance and let's go all together. although the main aim of this trip seems like going to the monastery, this would be a road trip as we would travel by the seaside, sitting somewhere near the beach eat lunch, feed the donkeys on the road, take pictures near the beach, etc, visit the monastery and come back.

Knowing my fiance always wanted to do this trip, in fact, he suggested going there for Saturday on Thursday night (literally one night ago), I thought the would be happy to join.

when I told him about the trip, he said its a last-minute plan, he is tired, he doesn't wanna go, it is too early for him. (we would leave at 9 am). then my mother said we can leave later on around 10 am or later. he still said no, I am tired. My mum left right after. he told me he needed a bit more notice so that he could prepare himself psychologically.

I got upset because he mentioned going there with me on Saturday, but when my mum asked me to go together he said no, saying he is tired.

He asked me if I am bothered if he doesn't go, I said it is ok if he doesn't come, I cannot force him but I am disappointed a little bit because this would be the first time we would go somewhere all together with my parents, and it is important for me that he participated in family activities like this. I always go to his family events.

he said I am sorry I disappointed you but I'm not coming (in a very sarcastic and mean way). I got really upset as to me it sounded like he didn't care it is important that he comes. also, he didn't have a valid reason apart from saying he is tired. (he is always up for plans with me no matter how early it is).

when I said if the problem is my parents because he was willing to go there with me, he said it's not like that, he is ok with my parents, but he also said he prefers going with me only.

I got more annoyed. I told him I don't know how this relationship would work long term because these kinds of things are important for me if he had a valid reason or another plan I would understand. on top of everything, I'm telling him I am disappointed and upset but he doesn't even care. he suggested he comes to see me after we come back from the trip. but since we would come back late around 6 pm I said i would be tired and we could meet on Sunday instead. and the whole point was i wanted to something different as a family. he said it doesn't matter if i am tired or not. he would come. i said it matters if i am tired, he doesn't wanna come because he is tired it is ok, but when i am tired he still wants to meet me?

anyways i didn't want to speak more to him i was so annoyed, i told him i don't wanna speak more and he can leave if he wants. he is like you are firing me out of your house, i said no, i just dont wanna speak because im done you always care about yourself and i just don't know if i want to continue this relationship. he just said ok and agreed. my mother comes in, i asked him if he wants to tell my parents about it, he said yes let's tell them we are not getting along.

we told my parents. they said they don't want to be involved, we should speak when we are calm.

He left.

When he went home he called me saying he did not do anything wrong and he is still not coming, and after all the things I did, and embarrassing him in front of my parents, he doesn't want this relationship and he deserves better. he said I even fired him out of my house, which was not the case. i just said he can leave if he wants because im done talking with him.

he also said he has been keeping in so many things just so this relationship would work. When i asked him what those things are, he gave me an example of our engagement night in my house when i didn't go to a meal with him because i was upset due to my rabbit's death. he made it sound like it was stupid of me just because my rabbit died. In reality, what happened was I killed my rabbit by stepping on it in a very traumatic way, we rescued the baby rabbit from a dog and i was looking after her, she was sleeping in my bed with me, i had a connection with the rabbit and the way i killed her one day before our engagement killed me i cried for 3-4 days, and i was numb on our engagement night. i could feel my feet stepping on it for around three days. I thought he understood me. on our engagement night after it ended we were supposed to go dinner both of us but i couldn't pretend to be ok and i just went to my bed. he said he is there for me and we agreed to go when i feel better. this was 6 months ago. the way he brought it up in a very cruel way when we were breaking up left me speechless.

we broke up on my mother's birthday.

Fast forward to yesterday, i woke up in the morning to see he removed me from all his social media platforms, deleted our pictures. he also deleted my mother. I understand him deleting me, but why did he delete my mother who did nothing until today to hurt him? I at last expected again out of respect, all the meals my mum cooked for him or all the nice moments we had with her, he would not cut contact with her like this. I will keep his ants, mother, brother on my social media as I had no problem with them. his mother also deleted our engagement picture.

sorry for my bad English and if i didn't explain this very well.

but i wanna know if I am wrong for breaking up with him.

Just to add a few points, on Thursday night we visited my fiance's mother and stepfather with my parents after months due to covid. My father and his stepfather are really good friends for more than 20 years. We know him before he married my fiance's mother (they are married for 10 years). he was so happy, he told me I'm his future wife and he can't wait to have kids and be a big family. and just 5 days before during the weekend, he told me he had one of the best weekends with me and he is so happy to have me in his life. if this is the case, then how come you behave like this? i feel played a little bit.

PS: he has been trying to break up with me in every instance in every small thing since January, since 6 days after our engagement. for him everything i do was wrong. for instance, two weeks before this, i got upset because i thought he called me a friend ina game to other people. he said i behave so absurdly, its funny how i get upset over a game, i should not get upset on nonsense things like this if i want this relationship to work. i tried to explain him, i misunderstood and i am sorry but he seemed not to care, he kept insisting i was wrong for misunderstanding and giving him attitude bla bla. he was like before giving me attitude and getting upset, try and ask me....same day i suggested we go to couple counseling (this was something he promised to do 3 months ago) but he said he is not going. if someone needs to go to counseling it is me. because the problem is me. I should go and learn how to behave he said.

PS: he is a mothers boy. his father left them when he was 7, they don't know where he is. he is under his mother's control. early on in our relationship when we were talking about our future plans, i said i would like to move back to our home country in 2 years time maximum (we both living in the UK but got stuck in our home country since February. he works in the uk and i was doing my phd which i completed in November 2019. i failed to find a job there til today so i wanted to try my change in my home country which is more easy). I asked him what his plans? he said he can move to if thats what i want. even though we would earn a bit less in our home country, he said money is not as important as having a family and being with your special partner. he was like you can always earn money but you cant find a special person always. I was like wow we think alike about where to live in the future. fast forwars to 6 months after this convo, we had a little argument about something, and he wanted to break up, he also mentioned that day he thought about moving back but he is not gonna move back, he was like i told you we can move back but at the tikme i i didnt give it a good thought. after a day i told him we should break up then so we dont waste each others time, he came to my house start crying and said he doesnt wanna lose me, so we can move back when we both find a job in our home country. A few months later he proposed to me, we also visited our home country for our traditional engagment. when we visited our home country, his mother told me (more like dictated) out of nowhere when we were alone with her, you will both stay in teh uk, there is no life back here, they dont even pay the salaries here properly!. and my fiance also told me he doesn't know what he will tell his mother if we move back and he said he is not moving back for at least 4 more years etc etc. so he changed his mind again. when i asked him how this will work then? you were not saying this to me before engagment? he said again we can move back when we are both ready. so he again changed his mind.

 

his mother video called him every day, no matter what we were doing he was answering, messaged him throughout the day couple of times, asks him about everything, he tells her everything etc. i find it odd that in some instances, when we posted on insta story we were having a meal in a restaurant in the uk that she knows of, she was messaging my fiance saying she was jealous.

It was the right decision.

You guys are obviously not getting along that  well if he tried to break up with you before. 

If him going on a trip with your parents is important to you then i guess he should have come along. 

I don't believe you two are fully  compatible from what you've  described. So it probably is for the best.