toastytiger Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I (30F) have initiated the first two dates with this guy (29M). They both went great and he sends “I had a fun time, let’s do it again” texts afterwards. He also sent me his # on the dating app after our last date and initiated our last (very brief) text conversation. But several days go by without contact and I don’t know if I want to keep initiating the meet ups. Should I just ask him out again or wait for him to make that move? Would it be too much to initiate the third time?
ccas93 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 he probably likes you and finds you attractive and fun to hang out with, but based on his behavior I doubt he's really feeling it. I'd say you can waste some more of your time and see if he'll go out with you again before he fades out 3
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I'd wait. He knows how to get in touch with you & he is perfectly capable of asking a woman out. His silence & failure to take action speaks volumes. 4
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 If he was that interested and keen on you, then he would pursue you and make regular contact instead of ghosting you mid way. I think his actions are speaking volumes about his credibility already. I know it's hard, but I'd move on. 1
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) You are totally friend zoned. Move on. Edited June 23, 2020 by smackie9 1
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Could it be he thinks this is what you like? You have initiated all the dates so maybe he thinks you like it that way. Could be alot of reasons besides he is not interested. As a guy we are expected to initiate dates all the time, and would never think she is not interested if I initiated the fist three especially if she says she had fun and would like to do it again. Don't let myopic gender stereotypes determine what you do here, if you are having fun with him and it feels it is progressing on the dates, ask him out. Since this is a question for you, on the next date you can let him know you don't need to be the one planning the dates so he doesn't think you have a control issue, invite him to plan the next as you'd like to enjoy what he'd like to do...or something like that, recognize he may have gotten an idea, no judgement, and encouragement. 1 1
Author toastytiger Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 I’ll also add that this guy is from Ireland, where I hear there isn’t much of a dating culture. So I am wondering if that’s what’s going on here...
Grey40 Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 I would wait a bit to see. It should be a two way street. If he doesn’t initiate I would plan a 3rd date and tell him that you really wish he would initiate more and plan the next date, see what the response is. Actions always speak louder than words, but it’s possible you’re conditioning him to think you like making all the plans.
manfrombelow Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) I'd wait if I were you. But the definition of "wait" here does not equal being on your toes 24/24 next to your phone hoping to see his message, but as in "if he is not willing to put more effort into initiating the next date, I'm willing to forget all about him and start dating other men." Edited June 24, 2020 by manfrombelow 1
Author toastytiger Posted June 24, 2020 Author Posted June 24, 2020 11 minutes ago, Grey40 said: I would wait a bit to see. It should be a two way street. If he doesn’t initiate I would plan a 3rd date and tell him that you really wish he would initiate more and plan the next date, see what the response is. Actions always speak louder than words, but it’s possible you’re conditioning him to think you like making all the plans. How long would you suggest waiting before reaching out about seeing each other again? Ideally he would ask first of course. But I like him enough to give it one more shot before completely leaving it in his court
Grey40 Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, toastytiger said: How long would you suggest waiting before reaching out about seeing each other again? Ideally he would ask first of course. But I like him enough to give it one more shot before completely leaving it in his court I’d give it 4-5 days max. If he doesn’t mention a date in that span I’d plan the next one. Just be sure to let him know how you feel in person on the next date. That you kind of feel like you’re putting in all the work and you really want it to feel more balanced. If he’s actually into you, he’ll be totally responsive and put the effort in. If he gets defensive to tries to defend his behavior, it’s time to bail.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 30 minutes ago, toastytiger said: How long would you suggest waiting before reaching out about seeing each other again? Ideally he would ask first of course. But I like him enough to give it one more shot before completely leaving it in his court Personally, I just wouldn't reach out at all. He already knows he isn't making an effort. Value yourself. Make other plans. Then if he does want to see you, he'll need to figure out how to ask you. And if not, then okey-doke. 1
Grey40 Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Personally, I just wouldn't reach out at all. He already knows he isn't making an effort. Value yourself. Make other plans. Then if he does want to see you, he'll need to figure out how to ask you. And if not, then okey-doke. I think sometimes people on here resort to dismissing people too quickly. Open communication is the most important part of dating. She should be honest about how she feels he’s not doing his part. If nothing changes after that, then yes Definitley move on, but if you really like a lot of qualities about this guy, there’s nothing wrong talking to him. A lot of men just don’t realize how women think or what they’re feeling. Just be more open. 2
Fox Sake Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 (edited) The trap you have to be careful of falling into is feeling like you’re making all the effort (usually leads to feelings of things being one sided and power struggles later on) Give your time to someone who makes as much effort with you as you do with them. Hang in there with this guy if you like him, but just be aware of everything that goes on and how it all makes you feel. ideally you would speak to him about this. You teach people how to treat you and Honest and open communicating is the key Edited June 24, 2020 by Fox Sake 2
lurker74 Posted June 24, 2020 Posted June 24, 2020 For crying out load, communicate. First, I agree that the counter party (your dude from Ireland) should be putting in the same amount of energy as you. So, yes, he should be initiating, planning, and yearning to see you. 1000%. But rather than guess, just send him a text saying, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a bit and I'll admit it's confusing. Just busy or not that interested? Let me know." THEN if he responds that he's very interested, say, "Great...I like you too. But I need someone who will sometimes initiate things, that's part of my make up. So let me know if you want to do something sometime and if so, when and where." That would be how I would proceed. But then the whole "don't text him, wait" game is not my cup of tea. I agree that people that are into you cannot STOP themselves from wanting to see or talk to you, but maybe he thinks for some reason you're not that into him. 3
Author toastytiger Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 Ok well I reached out since he last did 4 days ago. He responded enthusiastically and we have our 3rd date this weekend. I decided I’m going to say something about it in person... we’ll see how it goes. Thanks y’all! 1
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