harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) So I matched w a girl online in April. She was super into me, and somewhat clingy, which I didn't mind because I liked her. We hit it off, not talking every day, but talking most days. Texting led to phone led to FT led to walk date led to eventual sex on a few future dates. Despite her level of interest, she was always a bit flaky. Not just due to corona, but she is also very fresh out of a engagement to a guy she dated a 10years. She says shes over it, but I can tell theres still attachment there. Its only natural. Also, we had very strong sexual undertones to our convos. Eventually she admitted 2 things - 1) the sexual tones made her apprehensive to meet at first, 2) she wasn't really looking for anything serious but is confused upon meeting me since she likes (liked?) me as she does. She invited me to meet her family, take a trip w her July 4, we talked about future plans, etc. Ordinarily too fast for me, but I liked her so it doesnt bother me. Again, im sure she is craving companionship given her recent breakup. I should note that when we met, sex did not go very well. I performed oral on her and made her orgasm, but she wanted me to penetrate her. Unfortunately, I have a rash (non STD) which made this difficult, and I could tell she took it personally. She stayed the night first time, left the second, and I felt horrible, especially given nature of our convos. Im healed now, for the record. She got sick the week after (surgery), and while we still talked, she kept pushing our meetups back and now we kind of just are not really communicating so much. Mostly just this past week, but the change in vibe is nonetheless obvious. She takes much longer to respond (vs before when convos were always instantaneous and responding literally seconds after I send a text), she is quicker to end the convo, and generally the tonality is just different. She also hasn't initiated during this time, only I have, which is in major contrast to the past. It sounds silly, but I can tell the difference. Theres no triggering event I can think of to have caused this shift, which leads me to think its something external. I know s*** happens, and her lack of communication leads me to think she wants space. Whether thats due to us falling apart, her finding another dude, or life itself, idk. I noticed she's been inactive on the apps for some time now, so perhaps dating is simply not on her mind currently. I wasn't expecting to fall for her, but I kinda have. Both of us are pretty wish washy on whether we'd want an actual relationship, so given that, this silence shouldn't really bother me. But I still enjoy spending time w her and would like to continue, and whether thats an option is unclear for me at this point. I intend to back off a bit unless the vibe changes, and if she wants to reinitiate I will follow suit. I dont plan to 'call her out', since I dont see that getting me anywhere. But I just wanted some feedback. Any thoughts? Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold
preraph Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Well, I guess if you don't hear from her, you'll have to ask if July 4 is still on. It does sound like she isn't as interested. She could have someone else she also dates. Or she could be trying to be more careful. 1 1
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) Yes, could be. And if she hits it off w him better than me, who am I to prevent that. At this point its clear to me that July 4th isn't on, unless she starts becoming more responsive. Trying to be more careful? In what way Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold
Miss Spider Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 She doesn’t sound that interested anymore. Sounds she was rebounding, trying to distract, and maybe someone else got her attention. 2
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: She doesn’t sound that interested anymore. Sounds she was rebounding, trying to distract, and maybe someone else got her attention. Thanks for the response. Would you address it? Or would you just back off and let it happen if its meant to be. My gut is telling me #2, personally. She can always reach out if she feels so inclined Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold
Lotsgoingon Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Dude, as soon as you noticed she was clingy, stop. Liking her has nothing to do with overcoming a problem of being clingy. And clingy is just a sign of other insecurities and issues. 1
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Dude, as soon as you noticed she was clingy, stop. Liking her has nothing to do with overcoming a problem of being clingy. And clingy is just a sign of other insecurities and issues. idk, maybe my use of the word clingy is not appropriate considering other clingy girls ive known in the past. ive known some pretty bad clingy types, and she was nowhere near that bad. usually w OLD, you text few and far btwn, set up dates, and let the convos die until you hang. but she was much more consistent sending me stuff, messaging me, sexts, etc. after I got her number off OLD, I didn't text her till the next day because I was busy, and she was irked when I finally did text her 24h later. I actually got the sense at some point that she was more into texting than meeting. eventually we did meet up, but thats the sense I got. maybe she just wanted someone to hit up. she was never aggressive or overbearing. I just meant she was very much into texting much more than im used to but I hear you, I’m sure she has her own things on her mind Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold
Miss Spider Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 1 hour ago, harnold said: Thanks for the response. Would you address it? Or would you just back off and let it happen if its meant to be. My gut is telling me #2, personally. She can always reach out if she feels so inclined I agree with you. I think you should back off for a while and let it be. Maybe way, way in the future you can hit her up again, but I don’t think addressing it right now is the right call. Sucks though. 1
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Agree you should back off, and let her contact you if it is meant to be. Just seems like she had second thoughts, it happens and shouldn’t be surprising. 1
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: I agree with you. I think you should back off for a while and let it be. Maybe way, way in the future you can hit her up again, but I don’t think addressing it right now is the right call. Sucks though. there is one thing that bothers me. in my mind, if I see an issue, I should feel comfortable picking up the phone to call her to address it. esp since we were kinda dating during this time (well, 'hanging out'). and yet, I dont feel that as being appropriate right now at all, as she is just not responding whatsoever. what does this mean? note I am not the meek or timid type whatsoever Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 When someone doesn’t respond at all it usually means they don't want to talk to you because it is over and they hope you’ll take the hint. Harsh, but likely true in this case. 2
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, SumGuy said: When someone doesn’t respond at all it usually means they don't want to talk to you because it is over and they hope you’ll take the hint. Harsh, but likely true in this case. agree, the girl and I even had this conversation some time ago. on the other hand, she also mentioned that when shes in a funk she prefers to be left alone and come back on her own accord. I guess both items indicate that space/walking away is best procedure here. I just find it odd because as recent as Friday she seemed compliant to plans to hang out. then again, while her 'words' are open to hanging, the 'vibe' is not. my friend thinks that part of this is due to my laid back demeanor which often comes off cold. he says this combined w the fact that I seemed reluctant to have sex w her could have led to the girl getting in her head on whether I actually like her or not. for this reason he recommends addressing the issue, in case she actually is in her head. but if this were the case, would she not be open to generally open lines of communication w me instead of being non responsive? what do you think?
ShyViolet Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 It really sounds like she is trying to do the "fade away"... she's distancing herself from you. For whatever reason she's lost interest, she's just not that into you anymore. Take the hint. I don't think it's necessary to confront her about it and explicitly ask what the deal is.... it's pretty obvious what the deal is. I think if you address this with her it would just be weird. 2
beentheredonethat77 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I hate pointing out potentially hurtful things, but my honest opinion is I think its relating to the sex....Especially if sex with her ex was great and still fresh in her mind, the rash (albeit not an STD) just put a dampener on what she probably imagined to be much better experience. As someone who prefers penetration WAY more than oral.. id probably not pursue further either, simply as i'd see it as a red flag for more issues in the bedroom (even if thats not fair -- it would be my instinct to keep looking for that right fit -- no cringy pun intended). 2
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 (edited) 41 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said: I hate pointing out potentially hurtful things, but my honest opinion is I think its relating to the sex....Especially if sex with her ex was great and still fresh in her mind, the rash (albeit not an STD) just put a dampener on what she probably imagined to be much better experience. As someone who prefers penetration WAY more than oral.. id probably not pursue further either, simply as i'd see it as a red flag for more issues in the bedroom (even if thats not fair -- it would be my instinct to keep looking for that right fit -- no cringy pun intended). I agree and am surprised nobody else mentioned this. idk if its the main thing, but I see it as a contributor. at one point when she noticed my reluctance to have sex, she asked me (and I could hear the dismay/insecurity in her voice) "why dont you wanna f*** me?" she offered to do stuff for me, but again, given my rash, I avoided that. she called me a tease multiple times. we were big time sexters previously and talked alot about sexual fantasies, and she even said prior she imagined that our sex was gonna be great, so she was def like 'what the f***' after. she seemed understanding at the time, saying she had a uti at one point and know what that kinda pain feels like. but she bounced immediately after is there any way to recover from this? dirty talk text? anything at all? that being said, it also strikes me as odd because there was tons of emotional connection prior to the meetup untreated to sex. but I guess ya need all pieces of the puzzle to work. the one consolation I take away from this is that theres nothing I could've done about this. wasn't a shortcoming on my behalf, its just one of those 'sometimes s*** happens' kinda things. unfortunately. Edited June 23, 2020 by harnold 1
chillii Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 4 hours ago, harnold said: there is one thing that bothers me. in my mind, if I see an issue, I should feel comfortable picking up the phone to call her to address it. esp since we were kinda dating during this time (well, 'hanging out'). and yet, I dont feel that as being appropriate right now at all, as she is just not responding whatsoever. what does this mean? note I am not the meek or timid type whatsoever So effg weird these days , people come on here and insist on blurting out their sex life to total strangers yet here they are same every time can't even talk to the very person they were doing it too . Somehow these days the most personal thing between two people means nothing yet picking up the phone or he did she didn't text or some like school yard rubbish is all such a can't do. lt's mind boggling . But eh , no she's obviously not interested right now anyway , the future, who knows.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 I think she was rebounding and not actually ready to date anyone else yet. Perhaps her ex popped back up. In any case, she's likely hoping her distancing herself will be enough of a cue to you that she's lost interest. It might have nothing to do with you personally, and more to do with the fact that she's just ended an engagement/decade-long relationship and isn't actually ready to meet new guys yet.
Roswell91 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 11 hours ago, harnold said: So I matched w a girl online in April. She was super into me, and somewhat clingy, which I didn't mind because I liked her. We hit it off, not talking every day, but talking most days. Texting led to phone led to FT led to walk date led to eventual sex on a few future dates. Despite her level of interest, she was always a bit flaky. Not just due to corona, but she is also very fresh out of a engagement to a guy she dated a 10years. She says shes over it, but I can tell theres still attachment there. Its only natural. Also, we had very strong sexual undertones to our convos. Eventually she admitted 2 things - 1) the sexual tones made her apprehensive to meet at first, 2) she wasn't really looking for anything serious but is confused upon meeting me since she likes (liked?) me as she does. She invited me to meet her family, take a trip w her July 4, we talked about future plans, etc. Ordinarily too fast for me, but I liked her so it doesnt bother me. Again, im sure she is craving companionship given her recent breakup. I should note that when we met, sex did not go very well. I performed oral on her and made her orgasm, but she wanted me to penetrate her. Unfortunately, I have a rash (non STD) which made this difficult, and I could tell she took it personally. She stayed the night first time, left the second, and I felt horrible, especially given nature of our convos. Im healed now, for the record. She got sick the week after (surgery), and while we still talked, she kept pushing our meetups back and now we kind of just are not really communicating so much. Mostly just this past week, but the change in vibe is nonetheless obvious. She takes much longer to respond (vs before when convos were always instantaneous and responding literally seconds after I send a text), she is quicker to end the convo, and generally the tonality is just different. She also hasn't initiated during this time, only I have, which is in major contrast to the past. It sounds silly, but I can tell the difference. Theres no triggering event I can think of to have caused this shift, which leads me to think its something external. I know s*** happens, and her lack of communication leads me to think she wants space. Whether thats due to us falling apart, her finding another dude, or life itself, idk. I noticed she's been inactive on the apps for some time now, so perhaps dating is simply not on her mind currently. I wasn't expecting to fall for her, but I kinda have. Both of us are pretty wish washy on whether we'd want an actual relationship, so given that, this silence shouldn't really bother me. But I still enjoy spending time w her and would like to continue, and whether thats an option is unclear for me at this point. I intend to back off a bit unless the vibe changes, and if she wants to reinitiate I will follow suit. I dont plan to 'call her out', since I dont see that getting me anywhere. But I just wanted some feedback. Any thoughts? I think she was interested in you before no doubt. I mean you met her family right. Given that she is the type of person to withdraw if something is up, it could be anything, maybe nothing that has anything to do with you. If you want to just give her a call in a few weeks. Having said all that, she was with a guy for ten years who she would have married. I don't think that is some thing she would find easy getting over.
SumGuy Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 Didn't want to be harsh myself, but can see the sex thing being a cause. Also she was likely n the edge about the whole thing to begin with. Not sure what she knew about the rash or not, but yes if the situation were reversed I'd wonder if the rash was really an STD. If you just passed without explanation, she probably thinks you are sexually incompatible or have some issue you did not want to disclose...which in a sense was true. Not sure how fast this rash comes on but would suggest not putting yourself into a possible sexual situation if it reoccurs. 1
smackie9 Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 People change their mind.....it is what it is. Better luck next time.
preraph Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 13 hours ago, harnold said: Yes, could be. And if she hits it off w him better than me, who am I to prevent that. At this point its clear to me that July 4th isn't on, unless she starts becoming more responsive. Trying to be more careful? In what way I meant staying in because of covid-19.
mark clemson Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 The vibe is probably under the bed or maybe stuck in with the laundry somewhere. Suggest you look for it there.
Author harnold Posted June 23, 2020 Author Posted June 23, 2020 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: Didn't want to be harsh myself, but can see the sex thing being a cause. Also she was likely n the edge about the whole thing to begin with. Not sure what she knew about the rash or not, but yes if the situation were reversed I'd wonder if the rash was really an STD. If you just passed without explanation, she probably thinks you are sexually incompatible or have some issue you did not want to disclose...which in a sense was true. Not sure how fast this rash comes on but would suggest not putting yourself into a possible sexual situation if it reoccurs. Very fast, but it’s gone now. I don’t think she worried about STDs, as she was very willing to have unprotected sex. I did explain the cause of it (latex allergy diagnosed by derm) and why sex was difficult, and she seemed understanding. But I did sense disappointment/insecurity nonetheless. It’s only natural. She asked a few times if her sex was “good enough” for me. Obv, I assured her it was very good even if painful. Ironically she continued to sext me and be super flirty in the days after, it was only after a period of a few days of non-communication where she went silent. If sex/rash is the culprit, do you see a way of addressing/recovering this?
Recommended Posts