Second Chances?

[kenziejane]

Five months ago, I went on a really amazing first date. This guy checked all my boxes, and I left feeling so hopeful about it. It derailed pretty quickly, though, for a number of reasons. I think it was a combination of bad timing and neither of us really being ready. He told me he'd just broken up with his girlfriend a month before our date, and I was barely a year freshly divorced and enjoying my newly found independence. I even made a post about this whole situation, in a past thread on this site. 

He came off a little intense...did not hold back with telling me how into me he was, wanting to see me all the time, etc etc. It freaked me out to the point where I cancelled the whole damn thing. I was already skittish, I think. At the point, the idea of having something work with someone who I really liked, and who really liked me back, seemed terrifying for some reason. And part of me felt like maybe he was rushing so I could fill his ex-girlfriend's spot. So I went back to dating casually, just having fun, whatever. 

The thing is, I still think about this guy all the time. I've made myself crazy trying to figure out if that means something. He was just so right in so many ways, but he came on wayyy too strong. Since then, he asked if we could be friends. So we've texted a little here and there, but that's about it. I know once he said he still was crushing on me, but I brushed it off because I had no idea how to respond. That was a while ago, though, maybe April. Then the other day, I posted something about a drive-in movie event happening in our town. He messaged me saying it sounded like fun. Next thing I know, we're making plans to see each other for the first time in five months. We haven't talked about what it means, or what it is. 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has done a second chance type of thing with someone they dated really briefly. We only had three dates, but the connection was definitely there. I'm in a much different place than I was in January. Like in a place where I feel emotionally and mentally ready to be with someone again, and I want a relationship. I'm still a little scared at the thought of it, so part of me is worried we'll hang out this once, he'll come on too strong again and I'll panic...again.

Yet as I said, we haven't established if this is a date or friends hanging out. Do I just go in casually, having no expectations? And if the night takes a date-like turn, is it okay to say I still feel something for him and think we could try again but only if we take it a little slow? Sorry for all the rambling, I just think he's a good one and I don't want to mess it up twice. 

[Miss Spider]

Just go in with no expectations and enjoy your time with him. And yes, let him know that you would rather go slow. My boyfriend came on pretty strong when we first dated months ago.. I went on about three dates with him and ghosted him/went back to casually dating others. We linked up in the beginning of the month and I fell for him more. He knows how I am so he has more patience with me.
 

Good luck 

Edited June 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Backinthesaddleagain]

8 minutes ago, kenziejane said:

Five months ago, I went on a really amazing first date. This guy checked all my boxes, and I left feeling so hopeful about it. It derailed pretty quickly, though, for a number of reasons. I think it was a combination of bad timing and neither of us really being ready. He told me he'd just broken up with his girlfriend a month before our date, and I was barely a year freshly divorced and enjoying my newly found independence. I even made a post about this whole situation, in a past thread on this site. 

He came off a little intense...did not hold back with telling me how into me he was, wanting to see me all the time, etc etc. It freaked me out to the point where I cancelled the whole damn thing. I was already skittish, I think. At the point, the idea of having something work with someone who I really liked, and who really liked me back, seemed terrifying for some reason. And part of me felt like maybe he was rushing so I could fill his ex-girlfriend's spot. So I went back to dating casually, just having fun, whatever. 

The thing is, I still think about this guy all the time. I've made myself crazy trying to figure out if that means something. He was just so right in so many ways, but he came on wayyy too strong. Since then, he asked if we could be friends. So we've texted a little here and there, but that's about it. I know once he said he still was crushing on me, but I brushed it off because I had no idea how to respond. That was a while ago, though, maybe April. Then the other day, I posted something about a drive-in movie event happening in our town. He messaged me saying it sounded like fun. Next thing I know, we're making plans to see each other for the first time in five months. We haven't talked about what it means, or what it is. 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has done a second chance type of thing with someone they dated really briefly. We only had three dates, but the connection was definitely there. I'm in a much different place than I was in January. Like in a place where I feel emotionally and mentally ready to be with someone again, and I want a relationship. I'm still a little scared at the thought of it, so part of me is worried we'll hang out this once, he'll come on too strong again and I'll panic...again.

Yet as I said, we haven't established if this is a date or friends hanging out. Do I just go in casually, having no expectations? And if the night takes a date-like turn, is it okay to say I still feel something for him and think we could try again but only if we take it a little slow? Sorry for all the rambling, I just think he's a good one and I don't want to mess it up twice. 

This exact situation happened to me last year and I'm still annoyed when I think about it. Some women just can't handle something good and blow it so they can continue to have casual relationships trying to "find themselves" or whatever. You should leave this poor guy alone, because it already sounds like you are ready to panic and bail again before you even start back up. He is obviously really into you to be willing to try again, and his behavior probably won't be any different than before. 

Sorry for the bash post, but this hit a sore spot with me. Good luck 

[kenziejane]

7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Just go in with no expectations and enjoy your time with him. And yes, let him know that you would rather go slow. My boyfriend came on pretty strong when we first dated months ago.. I went on about three dates with him and ghosted him/went back to casually dating others. We linked up in the beginning of the month and I fell for him more. He knows how I am so he has more patience with me.
 

 

Thanks for the advice! I'll do exactly that. 

[kenziejane]

10 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

This exact situation happened to me last year and I'm still annoyed when I think about it. Some women just can't handle something good and blow it so they can continue to have casual relationships trying to "find themselves" or whatever. You should leave this poor guy alone, because it already sounds like you are ready to panic and bail again before you even start back up. He is obviously really into you to be willing to try again, and his behavior probably won't be any different than before. 

Sorry for the bash post, but this hit a sore spot with me. Good luck 

It's fine, I get it. 

I don't think I can be totally blamed here...he really did come on way too strong and it was off putting. I can accept my half of the blame however. I know I panicked and should've been more upfront about how I felt. I let him down as kindly as I could. I have barely had any contact with him since so it's not like I've been unintentionally leading him on.

I do appreciate your perspective, and see where you are coming from, but I really had no idea how not ready I was until I was in the situation. Things have changed since then a lot. I don't think I would panic in the same manner that I did. I like this guy, still. I wanted it to work then, and I'd like it to work now. 

So while I see where you are coming from, and get it, I don't think you can project or generalize what happened to you onto everyone else in a similar situation. I know it's hard to construe tone over text, but I'm really saying this as nicely as I can and not trying to argue. 

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I believe in giving second chances, depending on what caused the split in the first place.

As for your situation, I'd meet the guy but don't go with any expectations and if you get on with each other, then great take it from there. 

Edited June 22, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist

[Versacehottie]

It sounds really good what you posted.  I'd be surprised if you didn't have a chance with each other. I know several couples that are together in a manner similar to the way you've described.  Good luck!