Pleasant Surprise Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 (edited) Hello people, it's been about 6 years since I was on this website. Was pretty upset over a high school relationship back then, and I've definitely learned a lot. I've since experienced a number of heartbreaks, mostly (in my opinion) as a result of my own lack of self-respect. This is something I'm working on, but a situation in my life has risen to prominence that is making me question if I am taking it too far or if I haven't learned anything at all. For context, my last "relationship" was about a year's time with a girl who was secretly still pursuing her ex boyfriend while having sex with me. Being completely inexperienced with that type of situation, I ignored all warnings and red flags because, in a nut shell, I thought this girl was God's gift to our green Earth. I have since reevaluated my stance lol Currently, I am "talking" to a new girl. We started having sex in like February. She mentioned she was fresh out of a relationship but I hadn't given it much thought because at the time I was just having fun and wasn't really looking for anything serious. It got to the point after a month or so that it was basically a given that she was going to come over and we would hook up. Then, for Spring Break, she went to Cancun. She was pretty non-responsive there and I figured she was banging some dudes but justified it to myself because she WAS fresh out of a relationship and on Spring Break in Cancun. What would I be doing? I played it pretty cool, and it actually paid off. We both went up to school and we hung out a few days of the days I was there, having sex a few times. She admitted to getting with a few guys in Cancun, but she also told me that she wasn't talking to anyone else (I'm sure she has other guys in orbit, but I think she meant she isn't talking to anyone seriously which is fine to me since I will keep girls around too until things become official) and that she liked me (this did come after an admission of my own feelings). However, she said that she was not ready for a relationship because she was still not over her old (2-3 year) relationship (after maybe 4 months or so). 4 months is a very short time for somebody to jump back into something, but this was the same bs my old girl gave me (not ready, working on myself, blah blah blah). The red flags are not there, and I think this woman is of much higher quality and actually has things like morals. She said she would like to see where things go and I reluctantly agreed because I ultimately could see a relationship with her going well. However, I would be lying if there wasn't a twinge of concern just because of my last experience with the "girl who wasn't ready." My brain tells me this one could be the girl I enter my first REAL relationship with if I am patient, but my prior experiences (baggage) are holding me back from just seeing where things go. We met again at school when I was up for four days like three weeks ago. This girl helped me move into my new house, we hung out together every day, and we had (admittedly vanilla, but I will try to improve it) sex, and things felt remarkably "couple"-ey. She was going to leave the day I came but ended up leaving 4 days later at the same time as me. In between the two school meetings, we both drove a considerable distance to go on a hike for the day together. I think this girl means it when she says she likes me and she is just trying not to rush into things. There is still doubt in my mind and heart. She knows I have issues and I know she has issues. We've agreed verbally to be as transparent as possible with each other and work together on these issues. I've never really gotten into a real relationship, and her old relationship scares me a lot honestly. We talk over Snapchat/text every day (this is how it has to be given the circumstances) and are even throwing around the idea of going somewhere at the end of summer before we go back up to school (where we will hang out and go on actual dates). Not just assuming we would go on dates either. When I bring it up, she acts like it's a given that we will (I said to her I'm gonna drag her on food escapades with me and she said "obviously I'm coming"). It SEEMS like things are going well, but I am well aware of the impact of wanting something and what that can do in terms of perceiving reality. I could just be her rebound for all I know. Does it seem as if this is a case of classic rebound, or does it seem like there's actually something here? What steps should I take to progress this toward a relationship, and how long should I "be patient" for this girl to get over her old relationship before I throw in the towel? I don't want to waste my time and am somewhat afraid/incapable of truly trusting anyone. I know I can't be like this forever, and maybe this time in between being friends and maybe a relationship is what I need to gain the confidence to move forward and trust, but it does bother me that I kind of asked her to be my girlfriend and she wasn't too keen on the idea, regardless of her reservations. It makes me wonder if I should just say "see ya, lemme know when you're over it" or if I should be there for her so I'm the first guy up when she's actually emotionally available. I'm afraid of being kept around for my attention and affection. EDIT: I should mention that we have both told each other (this was a couple weeks ago after sex) that we aren't having sex with anyone else right now, but we didn't verbally make an agreement to stay exclusive moving forward, so I am apprehensive to assume that won't change. Seems like we're moving toward exclusivity but maybe not quite comfortable with the idea of committing to that. Or maybe I'm way off the mark who knows Edited June 21, 2020 by Pleasant Surprise
smackie9 Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 (edited) Here's the reality of it...no relationship is guaranteed whether they just got out of a relaitonship or not. You roll the dice you take your chances....it is always a gamble...it all depends if you are willing to take that chance. You two are simple dating...and that's ok. When some time passes, you ask for exclusivity/serious relationship. If she says no you go and date other girls. That's the process in any circumstance. Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9 2
ShyViolet Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 She told you she's "not ready for a relationship." That's not something you usually say to someone you really like. But then she has been spending a lot of time with you and acting like she's dating you. So maybe she really was telling the truth and it was just about the fact that she was still getting over her last breakup. There's nothing you need to do except resist the urge to overthink this, and don't have huge expectations. Just keep dating her and see where it goes. After a few months, it should naturally progress towards a more official relationship. If it doesn't, then maybe she's not that interested. 1
Author Pleasant Surprise Posted June 21, 2020 Author Posted June 21, 2020 Just now, ShyViolet said: She told you she's "not ready for a relationship." That's not something you usually say to someone you really like. But then she has been spending a lot of time with you and acting like she's dating you. So maybe she really was telling the truth and it was just about the fact that she was still getting over her last breakup. There's nothing you need to do except resist the urge to overthink this, and don't have huge expectations. Just keep dating her and see where it goes. After a few months, it should naturally progress towards a more official relationship. If it doesn't, then maybe she's not that interested. Yeah, this is kind of the approach I have taken toward the situation. I will continue to see her until something goes wrong or things start going better and make a decision at a further juncture. Does suck though because I am quick to admit my feelings in most cases and I hate feeling like the one who gets "chosen" or discarded. It is also worth mentioning that we aren't currently at school and won't be full-time living there until late August, which she cited as a reason for not wanting to rush into anything. I feel like this is reasonable, though, so I omitted it from the OP. Overthinking does tend to kill me, though. I really want to avoid inundating her with messages and affection, which I know is a major flaw of mine when I feel like things are going poorly (not the case here, but I have done it in the past and am aware that it is an issue. Getting much better!!!) Thanks for the advice, to both of the people who posted!
Mystery4u Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 Honestly? It sounds like she enjoys spending time with, has fun, likes you etc etc etc BUT she does not see you as boyfriend material long term. When two people feel the same about each other, things just progress naturally, there's no waiting around to be 'ready'. There's nothing you can do to make her feel the same about you as you are about her, apart from being yourself. Just have the expectation that you are both just having fun with no commitment as that's clearly what she wants. If you are not happy with that, then you know exactly what you need to do. Find someone who matches your expectation.
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