Author Wd0694820 Posted June 22, 2020 Author Posted June 22, 2020 48 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: ok, well IMO, you should follow her on Instagram and it would give you a reason to start messaging her out of the blue. Also I think people use IG in a more timely manner that way it will give you a reason to connect with her more in the now. Also you can look at her IG stories and might get an idea of where you can bump into her. On one hand it's great that you know her more closely--on the other you haven't done anything about it for 3 years so in a way it's like starting fresh. On either platform, I would be shocked if you couldn't cyber stalk her social media and figure out if she has a bf. That should be job number one! Part of the trick will be getting you to relax into this friendship anew so you can turn it into dating hopefully. I personally think instagram would be easier for that. Because you can literally just start with a follow and then some likes, watch some stories, send her a DM, even the automatic ones. I think you are overthinking things because you've attached too much meaning and significance to it. You have to be able to have confidence in yourself--not convincing yourself in some over the top way that you can get the girl and nothing will go "wrong" but that you will be fine with or without and better for having tried. I doubt she will laugh about you with her friends, I'm almost positive she wouldn't with a current boyfriend. But what if she did? You will survive. That's the confidence you need to get right away. Stop calling yourself a loser. Think of yourself in the 2nd or 3rd person--that actually is proven to help (don't speak about yourself that way cause it's weird but yeah try to pump yourself up that way and negate the irrational thinking you are having). Lastly, Um here is the tough love: I think believing that you "wish you could have a girlfriend, be happy and that it's hard to be a guy in modern dating" are your BIGGEST problems. How do you expect to get out of that very deep hole you've dug for yourself? Those are all major things to overcome. Getting a girlfriend and being happy you are looking for external things to solve your problem when the answer mostly lies with you and how you interact with the outside world as an expression of how you are feeling. Right now if you are feeling these things inside, it usually won't go well. Second, she's not just any girl..she's one specific one. I think most people like to be seen as an individual not just solving your "lack of girlfriend" problem. Try acting like a guy who could only be compelled to get into a relationship if the person is worthy of your time and attention for such. the perspective shift should be immensely helpful. Though I have to be honest if you are feeling this way, it's not usual something you can shift overnight. But at least try to get yourself to neutral so that you can be open to the possibilities. Like it may go wrong and "i'll be fine" and it could go right. Also why are you deciding you want her as a girlfriend? You don't even know. She could have a ton of things wrong with her (i know you will say she doesn't but you really only know her on the surface so far). At the very least tell yourself you don't know yet so you can CHILL OUT. That you think modern dating is hard--you are cutting off your legs before you even start. It may be slightly true and perhaps there are things that are false about that statement. Bottom line: it does you NO good to think this way; only makes you more desperate to lock onto one girl and get yourself off the dating market. Not a good look and usually tends to drive girls away. Put yourself more on a equal plane with her or any girl. Also bottom line: modern dating is what you have to deal with right now; there's no way around it. Wishing it wasn't the way it IS, won't make it go away. Your kind of thinking is pervasive and fatalistic. So you can see it turns something smaller into a bigger problem and paralyzes you in a way. Also imbeds the very thoughts that will tend to sabotage your efforts and convince you that your negative thoughts were correct and then sadly they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Meanwhile, some guy who does not have the negative thinking is out there getting closer to the girl of your dreams. Just go out there and live your life and you will survive either way. Learning experience from which if you go in with the right mindset you can increase your confidence regardless of what her response is. Which guy are you going to be?!! I’ve messaged her! .... 1
Azincourt Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wd0694820 said: We’re already friends on Facebook have been for 3 years, I think I know her a little better than the impression you’re getting. I just pray to god she’s single ive honestly spent the whole day thinking about messaging her. Like I go onto her profile and literally just stare and the screen almost ready to type something but then I get too anxious and in my head I start to imagine her thinking I’m some weird creep. Or her showing the messages to friends or even worse a guy she’s sleeping with/bf and laughing at me like haha look at this loser who messaged me. But then I also think she’s a very sweet girl and wouldn’t do that but I’m just not sure. Ubbrrr I wish I could just have a girlfriend and be happy, I feel like being a guy is so hard in modern day dating You've known her and had a crush for her for the past 3 years? Or you've known her for 3 years and you've only recently became attracted to her? Getting a girlfriend won't make you happy if you aren't already happy with yourself. Sex, female attention and validation aren't a fix-all for whatever issues someone might be dealing with. I've met Giorgio Armani fashion models with gorgeous women hanging off their arms and they were some of the most unhappy and complicated men I have ever met. And you can have a hot girlfriend who is crazy about you and yet you might still be unhappy with yourself and with your life. Don't overcomplicate everything. It's just a message. Write this. ''Hey, how are you?'' Send it. Then wait for her reply. If she doesn't reply back, she either didn't see the message or she did and didn't want to reply, or was too busy to reply, or she was doing something and forgot to reply to your message. Either way, chill and don't message her again, or she might think you can't take a hint(in case she isn't interested). Nah, being a man isn't hard in modern day dating. Not in the western nations. In India? China? Saudi Arabia? Sure. Very hard. But in the USA and in Europe? Easy peazy. You just need to put yourself out there and smile. Edited June 22, 2020 by Azincourt 1
Author Wd0694820 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 Update just in case anyone cares, long story short she rejected me. At first after I asked her I felt really excited and kinda proud of myself for being brave but now she’s rejected me I just feel miserable honestly and wish I hadn’t even bothered. I’ve spent so much time pinning over her and trying to think of how to talk to her and what I should say and it was all for nothing just a stupid waste of time. Just feel very depressed now and want to give up on women, but at the same time I just don’t really care about my job, my career, my education and honestly to some extent even my friends because if I can’t have a gf it all just feels meaningless. I would trade everything if I could just have a gf who loves me and I loved back, I feel like I’m being deprived of the best bit of life
schlumpy Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Really sorry to hear that. Time to pick yourself up and try again after a short period of feeling sorry for yourself. Next time look for a girl who is displaying an obvious interest in you. If you don't have that instant interest, don't rely on first impressions. Developing a relationship with a women over time can be just as successful as getting that instant connection from the first look. Don't lock yourself into one option. You put yourself on the line and that's to be commended. It takes a lot of emotional courage. Now that you know you have it, use it again.
Author Wd0694820 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Really sorry to hear that. Time to pick yourself up and try again after a short period of feeling sorry for yourself. Next time look for a girl who is displaying an obvious interest in you. If you don't have that instant interest, don't rely on first impressions. Developing a relationship with a women over time can be just as successful as getting that instant connection from the first look. Don't lock yourself into one option. You put yourself on the line and that's to be commended. It takes a lot of emotional courage. Now that you know you have it, use it again. I really thought she was giving me some signs of interest that’s why I went for it. I wouldn’t try it with a girl who didn’t seem interested in me because honestly I have a very fragile ego and can’t really handle being rejected very well. I guess I’m just a massive idiot and must have completley mis interpreted her behaviour
Author Wd0694820 Posted June 25, 2020 Author Posted June 25, 2020 Also people will think this sounds silly but before I have spent a lot of time fantasizing and daydreaming about her, it used to feel nice because I always felt like there was a chance it might happen for real but now the reality is that it won’t ever happen for me and I feel like even that very small pleasure which I had before is gone. Really feel like I’m just not a person who’s built for this world, it’s to hard and I just want to give up and never leave my room ever again
schlumpy Posted June 25, 2020 Posted June 25, 2020 Pity party is OK but only a short one. Did she have a good reason for saying no or did she bother to give you a reason?
Author Wd0694820 Posted June 26, 2020 Author Posted June 26, 2020 25 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Pity party is OK but only a short one. Did she have a good reason for saying no or did she bother to give you a reason? There’s no point me discussing the details here i honestly genuinely thought she liked me, she doesn’t, that’s all there is to say 1
Grey40 Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 7 hours ago, Wd0694820 said: Just feel very depressed now and want to give up on women, but at the same time I just don’t really care about my job, my career, my education and honestly to some extent even my friends because if I can’t have a gf it all just feels meaningless. I would trade everything if I could just have a gf who loves me and I loved back, I feel like I’m being deprived of the best bit of life This is exactly why you're having trouble getting a GF. You don't have any respect or gratitude toward the value of your own life. You can't be happy "without a gf". You need to find happiness and value within yourself first, when you do, women will want to be in your life. Trust me. You 100% NEED to care about all those things, or you won't find a woman who will care about you. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 11 hours ago, Wd0694820 said: Just feel very depressed now and want to give up on women, but at the same time I just don’t really care about my job, my career, my education and honestly to some extent even my friends because if I can’t have a gf it all just feels meaningless. I would trade everything if I could just have a gf who loves me and I loved back, I feel like I’m being deprived of the best bit of life First you have to stop overthinking. Asking somebody out should be spontaneous. You don't need the advanced planning of D-Day. As for everything else being meaningless, you have it wrong. You need to find joy in those things. Then when you are a happy independent person you will be more attractive to a partner. Dating is the icing on the cake. It's not the cake. Take a pause from dating. Figure out who you are & what you want. Learn to appreciate what you have & bring more of that into your life. Start a gratitude journal. Every day write down 3 things in the morning that you are grateful for. The can be profound or little. Write 3 more at night before you go to sleep. Once a week re-read what you wrote. This helps you focus on what's going right rather then crying whoa is me. You are not being deprived of anything. You just need to see that
Versacehottie Posted June 26, 2020 Posted June 26, 2020 8 hours ago, Grey40 said: This is exactly why you're having trouble getting a GF. You don't have any respect or gratitude toward the value of your own life. You can't be happy "without a gf". You need to find happiness and value within yourself first, when you do, women will want to be in your life. Trust me. You 100% NEED to care about all those things, or you won't find a woman who will care about you. Yeah, I tried to caution you, OP, against this mentality. You can't change it overnight and had she said yes it would have been exposed at some point in the beginning. A girlfriend as a possession will not solve what is going on inside of you. I'm pretty worried. Those were fatalistic type statements that you deduced from the interaction with her. It's troubling and sounds like you need some help--I would encourage you to get it immediately. Secondly, while I can get you initial frustration with not getting what you want out of this and being disappointed--I think it's wrong and there were a lot of pervasive negative thinking to not even "learn" from this by not wanting to analyze it in the least here. Do you think it's magically going to go away next time? Especially if you haven't learned from this one? Lastly, my critique to the way you did this is that I'm pretty sure I said, just start talking with her and ramping up to friendly, flirty (and find out if she is single). From the timeframe and sequence of events and how you posted the aftermath here--I can only assume that you "pounced". Got some unrealistic bravado and hoped against hope. You needed to gather more information and suss things out with her a bit first. Also allow some chemistry to build. And instead of learning that by getting that feedback, you are taking the outcome of this event and using it as evidence about all the negative self esteem things you think about yourself and your chances in life. VERY FLAWED THINKING and more evidence from me that you can't solve this overnight and in the way you think, ie ask a girl out, she says yes and all your problems will be solved. I hope you seek out some help for self-esteem and negative thinking patterns--to me, that is the first thing you need to do. *side note: negative thinking patterns usually have the effect of pushing people away (even though you don't mean that and think they cannot "see" them). They are transparent in the way you interact and the wording you use with anyone. Good luck 1
Recommended Posts