How can I message my crush/love interest

[Wd0694820]

Please read the whole thing want to give as much background information as possible

So basically in my first year of university I had a long term girlfriend but there was one girl in my halls who I did like a little bit secretly. I never acted on it and tried to just suppress my feelings because I was loyal to my gf and wanted to stay eith her. This girl was good friends with some of the girls in my flat and used to come on nights out eith us quite a lot in first year. So in 2nd year my gf cheated on me and we broke up so now I’m single, since then I’ve not found any girls really who are interested in me or want to date me even though I have tried. But anyway since I don’t live with those same people anymore she’s not really directly in my social circle, but I do see her around still on campus, in the gym, in sainsburys etc.

I’ve sort of had an on and off crush on her for 3 years now as I’m finishing 3rd year. She always says hi to me and is friendly to me whenever she sees me and she seems like she is happy to see me but I really can’t tell if she is just being friendly of if maybe she feels the same way I do. I also don’t know if she’s single or not because she is living with this guy and I know they did kiss once in first year but I don’t know if anything more developed from it, I tried to stalk her social media to see if I can determine for sure if she’s single or not but she doesn’t really post much on it. It’s obviously this social distancing stuff all going on atm but I saw her riding her bike the other week and she waved at me as she went past. I’m thinking about messaging her on Facebook just saying hi and maybe asking her out on a date but I’m really worried because
A) I don’t know if she’s single
B) she might not like me and is just being nice and then I’ll feel like such an idiot for taking that the wrong way and be really embarassed 
C) I’ve never really messaged a girl just out on the blue on social media to try and ask her out or anything like that so I sort of feel like I’m harassing her if she doesn’t like me and don’t feel very comfortable with that

[ExpatInItaly]

I see no harm in sending her a message on FB to say hello. 

You're not a total stranger to her, and she sounds friendly, so it wouldn't be a random move. However, I would caution against asking her out right away. Try to chat a little first and suss her out: she if she's interested in communicating, try to work out whether she's single and so on. 

Then decided if asking for a date is the next step. 

[d0nnivain]

Do not ask her out on social media straight away. 

Do reach out.  Say something like you were missing school due to lockdown & scrolling through your feed when she popped up so you thought you'd reach out to see how she's doing with everything that is going on. 

Chat for a bit.  Then you can propose getting together.  

[Mystery4u]

49 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

 I’m thinking about messaging her on Facebook just saying hi and maybe asking her out on a date but I’m really worried because
A) I don’t know if she’s single
B) she might not like me and is just being nice and then I’ll feel like such an idiot for taking that the wrong way and be really embarassed 
C) I’ve never really messaged a girl just out on the blue on social media to try and ask her out or anything like that so I sort of feel like I’m harassing her if she doesn’t like me and don’t feel very comfortable with that

A) One really simple and easy way to find out - ask her.

B) Who cares? In life you will encounter women who don't like you while you like them, as well as women who like you and you don't like them. Stop worrying and caring so much about how you will look to others.

C) You said it yourself you want to send her a message. Sending a message is not harassment, it's called communication.

You are worrying way too much over a simple message. Just say hi, talk about a few other random things, then ask her if she would like to meet up to do whatever.

If she doesn't feel the same way about you then you simply carry on with life. You literally have NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain. That's why it's important (life lesson here from someone with a lot of experience) to always make your interest known to a woman you like, regardless of the risk of getting rejected. When you don't care anymore, then you will be a TOP G who has no problems moving to any girl you see, just like me 

[preraph]

You said you see her around, so why message her?  Just go up and say hi and see how she reacts and ask her out if she seems happy to see you.  

[Wd0694820]

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

You said you see her around, so why message her?  Just go up and say hi and see how she reacts and ask her out if she seems happy to see you.  

When I say I she her around I mean very brief interactions like seeing eachother In the supermarket, the gym stuff like that, tough to just ask her out on the spot

[preraph]

Well, that's all it takes to just get more familiar with her so it can happen in a more organic way.  Just asking someone out cold isn't usually very successful.  Be friendly and try to talk to her first and then ask her out maybe the next time or just give her your number and see if she's interested enough to use it. 

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, Wd0694820 said:

I’m really worried because
A) I don’t know if she’s single
B) she might not like me and is just being nice and then I’ll feel like such an idiot for taking that the wrong way and be really embarassed 
C) I’ve never really messaged a girl just out on the blue on social media to try and ask her out or anything like that so I sort of feel like I’m harassing her if she doesn’t like me and don’t feel very comfortable with that

Next time you see her passing by and she says hi to you, why not strike up some conversation, ask her if she wants to hang out or go for a drink? 
 

Your list of worries all relate to rejection and confidence. I see them as unfounded and the only way you will ever know is by talking to her. 
no one here has a magic answer as to whether she likes you or not or sees you in a romantic sense. 
 

Just take a deep breath, affirm to yourself that “I can do this” until you start believing it , and strike up the conversation. 
 

A) you won’t know until you ask her to hang out . You can judge by the reply given.
 

B) you won’t know until you ask her to hang out. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Rejection actually makes you stronger.  
She might tell you she’s with someone,  and you can just tell her that’s fine and you don’t mind having nice friends in your life. 
 

C)  Don’t message her on social media. Do not go straight into asking for a “date”. Save that for after you guys have hung out, then the next time you arrange something together (providing you don’t get rejected the first time) you can finish a message or call with “it’s a date ” . Her reply or reaction will give the answer you’re looking for if you haven’t figured it out already  

  You see her around enough in so many places and are faced with MULTIPLE opportunities to strike while the iron is hot. 
 

if you see her the gym- ask if she wants to go for some food after. 
If you see her at the shops- look in her basket and see what you can strike up a conversation over or make a joke about (be yourself) 

I’ll give you an example - I saw a girl at a checkout once , I exclaimed “cat food and wine.. that looks like a lonely night in for one”. Her reaction was Golden and if I had wanted to I could have easily asked her for her number , but I didn’t. It was just keeping on top of my game and practicing confidence, she wasn’t really my type. 
 

 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Fox Sake

[smackie9]

A) go up to her and talk to her, B) ask her for her number C) ask her out. It's not rocket science.

Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9

[schlumpy]

When you see her on campus, invite her for a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate. Her reaction should tell you everything you need if you still have skills at reading faces. Negative reaction? Escape with, "Maybe some other time." 

Scratch that one off the pad.

[Azincourt]

2 hours ago, Wd0694820 said:

Please read the whole thing want to give as much background information as possible

So basically in my first year of university I had a long term girlfriend but there was one girl in my halls who I did like a little bit secretly. I never acted on it and tried to just suppress my feelings because I was loyal to my gf and wanted to stay eith her. This girl was good friends with some of the girls in my flat and used to come on nights out eith us quite a lot in first year. So in 2nd year my gf cheated on me and we broke up so now I’m single, since then I’ve not found any girls really who are interested in me or want to date me even though I have tried. But anyway since I don’t live with those same people anymore she’s not really directly in my social circle, but I do see her around still on campus, in the gym, in sainsburys etc.

I’ve sort of had an on and off crush on her for 3 years now as I’m finishing 3rd year. She always says hi to me and is friendly to me whenever she sees me and she seems like she is happy to see me but I really can’t tell if she is just being friendly of if maybe she feels the same way I do. I also don’t know if she’s single or not because she is living with this guy and I know they did kiss once in first year but I don’t know if anything more developed from it, I tried to stalk her social media to see if I can determine for sure if she’s single or not but she doesn’t really post much on it. It’s obviously this social distancing stuff all going on atm but I saw her riding her bike the other week and she waved at me as she went past. I’m thinking about messaging her on Facebook just saying hi and maybe asking her out on a date but I’m really worried because
A) I don’t know if she’s single
B) she might not like me and is just being nice and then I’ll feel like such an idiot for taking that the wrong way and be really embarassed 
C) I’ve never really messaged a girl just out on the blue on social media to try and ask her out or anything like that so I sort of feel like I’m harassing her if she doesn’t like me and don’t feel very comfortable with that

I mean.. you could always ask the women you know who are good friends with her to introduce her instead of randomly sending her a message? She's gonna think you're a creep if she has never heard of you before and suddenly you're sending her private messages on social media.

[Wd0694820]

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

I mean.. you could always ask the women you know who are good friends with her to introduce her instead of randomly sending her a message? She's gonna think you're a creep if she has never heard of you before and suddenly you're sending her private messages on social media.

The problem is I don’t live with that girl anymore, she actually now lives eith the girl I have a crush on.   I just don’t know when/if I will bump into her in person again, I find it really hard to make a move in the moment if I’m not prepared for what I’m gonna say etc, so I’m not sure what I can do but randomly message her on social media but also I’m so worried she’s just gonna think I’m a creep or reject me, I just don’t know what I can do  

[smackie9]

I have been approached by guys...if they are genuine, and smile at me, it's not creepy, it says confidence to me. Hiding behind a screen and messaging me out of the blue would look creepy.

Pretend to bump into her and say, "Hey haven't I seen you before?, Ya you were friends with blah blah blah...Hey I'm Jason btw, what's your name?" 'Say you want to grab a drink/pizza/etc some time?"

Getting rejected is part of life and it must not deter you from asking girls out..you win some you lose some. oh well. Can't keep avoiding the possibility of being rejected or you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I have been approached by guys...if they are genuine, and smile at me, it's not creepy, it says confidence to me. Hiding behind a screen and messaging me out of the blue would looks creepy.

Pretend to bump into her and say, "Hey haven't I seen you before?, Ya you were friends with blah blah blah...Hey I'm Jason btw, what's your name?" 'Say you want to grab a drink/pizza/etc some time?"

Getting rejected is part of life and it must not deter you from asking girls out..you win some you lose some. oh well. Can't keep avoiding the possibility of being rejected or you will be alone for the rest of your life.

well said.
 

I hope one day I have the skills to condense my paragraphs of drivel into solid good advice like this. Instead of trying every other angle to make someone understand or help them 
 

Edited June 21, 2020 by Fox Sake
I’m really bad at writing

[smackie9]

The strategy is to make things as simple as possible. You don't need to have a line, or be something you are not. Good eye contact and a smile goes a long way.

I have to add, if you do get rejected, don't show how butt hurt you are about it, go out graciously, and friendly. Remember this girl has GFs. If one of them asks about you, you don't want her to tell her friend how much of a dbag you were when she said no to you. Be impressionable, it could pay off in other ways.

Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9

[Azincourt]

44 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I have been approached by guys...if they are genuine, and smile at me, it's not creepy, it says confidence to me. Hiding behind a screen and messaging me out of the blue would look creepy.

Pretend to bump into her and say, "Hey haven't I seen you before?, Ya you were friends with blah blah blah...Hey I'm Jason btw, what's your name?" 'Say you want to grab a drink/pizza/etc some time?"

Getting rejected is part of life and it must not deter you from asking girls out..you win some you lose some. oh well. Can't keep avoiding the possibility of being rejected or you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Not necessarily. There will be women who will approach him. But if a guy wants to date a woman in particular, he does increase his chances of getting her to date him if he approaches her, although I'm of a mind that a guy should only approach a woman if she's sending her signals of interest, and those signals of interest have to be pretty strong in the first place.

Quote

The problem is I don’t live with that girl anymore, she actually now lives eith the girl I have a crush on.   I just don’t know when/if I will bump into her in person again, I find it really hard to make a move in the moment if I’m not prepared for what I’m gonna say etc, so I’m not sure what I can do but randomly message her on social media but also I’m so worried she’s just gonna think I’m a creep or reject me, I just don’t know what I can do  

You don't have her email adress/phone number/facebook/instagram/twitter/snapchat, the social media of the woman you are friends with and who lives with your crush? Contact that woman. Tell her you want to be introduced to your crush. 

In case you don't have her social media. You know where she hangs out, no?  Spend some time there to see if you can come across her, then start talking, ask her if the other woman, the one you have a crush on is single, then depending on the answer ask her to introduce her to you.

Edited June 21, 2020 by Azincourt

[Wd0694820]

7 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Not necessarily. There will be women who will approach him. But if a guy wants to date a woman in particular, he does increase his chances of getting her to date him if he approaches her, although I'm of a mind that a guy should only approach a woman if she's sending her signals of interest, and those signals of interest have to be pretty strong in the first place.

You don't have her email adress/phone number/facebook/instagram/twitter/snapchat, the social media of the woman you are friends with and who lives with your crush? Contact that woman. Tell her you want to be introduced to your crush. 

In case you don't have her social media. You know where she hangs out, no?  Spend some time there to see if you can come across her, then start talking, ask her if the other woman, the one you have a crush on is single, then depending on the answer ask her to introduce her to you.

I have my crushes social media, I could message her I just don’t know how to do it, we were friends in first year but not like super close

[Azincourt]

yeah, I know you do. That's not the point. 

Let's picture this.

You're a woman.

Just by being a woman you've had dudes wanting to sleep with you since you hit puberty.

You need to be weary about guys because you know that many guys want to sleep with you, you don't know which guy is going to flip out and be agressive when he gets rejected by you. 

Then you happen to be a young, physically attractive woman. Every guy and his dog wants to netflix and chill with you.  You have no idea if this guy wants to date you, marry you, take you to the moon for a summer holiday, or if he's looking to get sex and then split, and there's lots of guys who'll be super sweet and caring and attentive until they get what they want.

And finally, with social media, every guy can just chill out on his computer chair and hit on every woman, literally every woman, in a matter of minutes. Several of them at the same time.

What do you think will impress a woman the most?

A guy taking the time, effort, and the courage it takes to approach her and risk rejection, or will she be the most impressed by a guy who sends her a facebok private message? 

[Wd0694820]

3 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

yeah, I know you do. That's not the point. 

Let's picture this.

You're a woman.

Just by being a woman you've had dudes wanting to sleep with you since you hit puberty.

You need to be weary about guys because you know that many guys want to sleep with you, you don't know which guy is going to flip out and be agressive when he gets rejected by you. 

Then you happen to be a young, physically attractive woman. Every guy and his dog wants to netflix and chill with you.  You have no idea if this guy wants to date you, marry you, take you to the moon for a summer holiday, or if he's looking to get sex and then split, and there's lots of guys who'll be super sweet and caring and attentive until they get what they want.

And finally, with social media, every guy can just chill out on his computer chair and hit on every woman, literally every woman, in a matter of minutes. Several of them at the same time.

What do you think will impress a woman the most?

A guy taking the time, effort, and the courage it takes to approach her and risk rejection, or will she be the most impressed by a guy who sends her a facebok private message? 

I’m not gonna get aggresive or angry if she says no I’ll just stop messaging her if she does.   It’s so difficult though because I never know when I might bump into her, it just happens at random sometimes in the supermarket it’s not like Ill bump into her at a party or something.

 

i feel like with the stuff you said about social media etc it’s just so so difficult being a guy these days, because if you try message a girl I’ll just get lost in all the other messages she gets and even in real life I worry that there’s other guys who will just message her who are way better loooking, richer, more popular than me so what’s the point in just embarrassing myself when she won’t want me.   I have tryed asking girls out before but not that many because I’ve only asked girls out who showed interest in me and even they still rejected me and just getting rejected all the time hurts my self esteem and I’m already a shy guy so just makes it worse

[Wd0694820]

10 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

yeah, I know you do. That's not the point. 

Let's picture this.

You're a woman.

Just by being a woman you've had dudes wanting to sleep with you since you hit puberty.

You need to be weary about guys because you know that many guys want to sleep with you, you don't know which guy is going to flip out and be agressive when he gets rejected by you. 

Then you happen to be a young, physically attractive woman. Every guy and his dog wants to netflix and chill with you.  You have no idea if this guy wants to date you, marry you, take you to the moon for a summer holiday, or if he's looking to get sex and then split, and there's lots of guys who'll be super sweet and caring and attentive until they get what they want.

And finally, with social media, every guy can just chill out on his computer chair and hit on every woman, literally every woman, in a matter of minutes. Several of them at the same time.

What do you think will impress a woman the most?

A guy taking the time, effort, and the courage it takes to approach her and risk rejection, or will she be the most impressed by a guy who sends her a facebok private message? 

Just to add, if there was a time I knew I was gonna see her in person and I could properly mentally prepare myself for it then I’d do it, but I only bump into her by chance and since unis ending now I feel like it’s now or never 

[smackie9]

Well after reading all the nervous nelly responses I would say you have already struck out. Stop making excuses or you will go nowhere with this or any other prospect. There that's your kick in the pants from me.

There is no other way around this. If you strike out, that's too damn bad...it happens to everybody, shy or not shy.

[Azincourt]

17 hours ago, Wd0694820 said:

Just to add, if there was a time I knew I was gonna see her in person and I could properly mentally prepare myself for it then I’d do it, but I only bump into her by chance and since unis ending now I feel like it’s now or never 

Listen, do you want a girlfriend? Do you know what happens between a boyfriend and a girlfriend? How are you going to have sex with her when the mere thought of bumping into her causes a mental/physical block?

Women have no trouble dating a shy man but they still want him to have some initiative. Start practicing sports if you don't yet. Hit the gym hard(you can build a home gym). Get that testosterone going. Stop watching porn if you are in the habit of watching porn. Cut off every sexual act you do on your own. Let that energy build up, that sex drive.  Then approach her, man. If she says yes to a date, great, if not so what there's billions of women out there and this isn't the only woman you'll ever have a crush for.

I've been rejected tens of thousands of times. 

Women who are attracted to me but don't approach me?

They've rejected me.

Women who want to change me?  They've rejected me.

Women who want me to have a good job? 

They've rejected me. 

That doesn't bring my self-esteem down. Nothing does. Because there's millions of attractive women out there in the world and a fair share of them is going to find me attractive, so I truck on and live my life according to the way I want to live it, and if this woman rejects you. So what? Plenty more will be open to dating you. Don't fixate on one woman alone. Approach her. Ask her out. She says no. Who cares. The next one might say yes.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Azincourt

[Versacehottie]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Do not ask her out on social media straight away. 

Do reach out.  Say something like you were missing school due to lockdown & scrolling through your feed when she popped up so you thought you'd reach out to see how she's doing with everything that is going on. 

Chat for a bit.  Then you can propose getting together.  

agree.  You can also say she popped up in your "suggested for you"; I think you should add her & then just immediately send a quick friendly message.  Make sure it has a question so she has a reason to respond.  You can also say you haven't seen her around campus (even if you have lol).  

Then if and when she follows you back and messages you back, just try to get a dialogue going; some messages, some liking of her stuff and hopefully she will like some of yours back.  You need some traction to build on what little you know.  You've been playing the long game so far so I don't see a problem building up to it a bit.  I think pouncing of her wouldn't be a great idea especially if you don't know if she is single.  Plus you should put a little flirtation and fun out there first so you can see if she reciprocates and let attraction build--which often works out better IMO. Good luck

[Wd0694820]

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

agree.  You can also say she popped up in your "suggested for you"; I think you should add her & then just immediately send a quick friendly message.  Make sure it has a question so she has a reason to respond.  You can also say you haven't seen her around campus (even if you have lol).  

Then if and when she follows you back and messages you back, just try to get a dialogue going; some messages, some liking of her stuff and hopefully she will like some of yours back.  You need some traction to build on what little you know.  You've been playing the long game so far so I don't see a problem building up to it a bit.  I think pouncing of her wouldn't be a great idea especially if you don't know if she is single.  Plus you should put a little flirtation and fun out there first so you can see if she reciprocates and let attraction build--which often works out better IMO. Good luck

We’re already friends on Facebook have been for 3 years, I think I know her a little better than the impression you’re getting.  I just pray to god she’s single 

 

ive honestly spent the whole day thinking about messaging her.  Like I go onto her profile and literally just stare and the screen almost ready to type something but then I get too anxious and in my head I start to imagine her thinking I’m some weird creep.  Or her showing the messages to friends or even worse a guy she’s sleeping with/bf and laughing at me like haha look at this loser who messaged me.  But then I also think she’s a very sweet girl and wouldn’t do that but I’m just not sure.   Ubbrrr I wish I could just have a girlfriend and be happy, I feel like being a guy is so hard in modern day dating

Edited June 22, 2020 by Wd0694820

[Versacehottie]

15 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

We’re already friends on Facebook have been for 3 years, I think I know her a little better than the impression you’re getting.  I just pray to god she’s single 

 

ive honestly spent the whole day thinking about messaging her.  Like I go onto her profile and literally just stare and the screen almost ready to type something but then I get too anxious and in my head I start to imagine her thinking I’m some weird creep.  Or her showing the messages to friends or even worse a guy she’s sleeping with/bf and laughing at me like haha look at this loser who messaged me.  But then I also think she’s a very sweet girl and wouldn’t do that but I’m just not sure.   Ubbrrr I wish I could just have a girlfriend and be happy, I feel like being a guy is so hard in modern day dating

ok, well IMO, you should follow her on Instagram and it would give you a reason to start messaging her out of the blue.  Also I think people use IG in a more timely manner that way it will give you a reason to connect with her more in the now.  Also you can look at her IG stories and might get an idea of where you can bump into her.  On one hand it's great that you know her more closely--on the other you haven't done anything about it for 3 years so in a way it's like starting fresh.  On either platform, I would be shocked if you couldn't cyber stalk her social media and figure out if she has a bf.  That should be job number one!

Part of the trick will be getting you to relax into this friendship anew so you can turn it into dating hopefully.  I personally think instagram would be easier for that.  Because you can literally just start with a follow and then some likes, watch some stories, send her a DM, even the automatic ones.  I think you are overthinking things because you've attached too much meaning and significance to  it. You have to be able to have confidence in yourself--not convincing yourself in some over the top way that you can get the girl and nothing will go "wrong" but that you will be fine with or without and better for having tried.  I doubt she will laugh about you with her friends, I'm almost positive she wouldn't with  a current boyfriend.  But what if she did?  You will survive.  That's the confidence you need to get right away.   Stop calling yourself a loser.  Think of yourself in the 2nd or 3rd person--that actually is proven to help (don't speak about yourself that way cause it's weird but yeah try to pump yourself up that way and negate the irrational thinking you are having).

Lastly, Um here is the tough love: I think believing that you "wish you could have a girlfriend, be happy and that it's hard to be a guy in modern dating" are your BIGGEST problems. How do you expect to get out of that very deep hole you've dug for yourself?  Those are all major things to overcome.  Getting a girlfriend and being happy you are looking for external things to solve your problem when the answer mostly lies with you and how you interact with the outside world as an expression of how you are feeling.  Right now if you are feeling these things inside, it usually won't go well.  Second, she's not just any girl..she's one specific one. I think most people like to be seen as an individual not just solving your "lack of girlfriend" problem.  Try acting like a guy who could only be compelled to get into a relationship if the person is worthy of your time and attention for such.  the perspective shift should be immensely helpful.  Though I have to be honest if you are feeling this way, it's not usual something you can shift overnight.  But at least try to get yourself to neutral so that you can be open to the possibilities.  Like it may go wrong and "i'll be fine" and it could go right.  Also why are you deciding you want her as a girlfriend?  You don't even know. She could have a ton of things wrong with her (i know you will say she doesn't but you really only know her on the surface so far).  At the very least tell yourself you don't know yet so you can CHILL OUT.  That you think modern dating is hard--you are cutting off your legs before you even start. It may be slightly true and perhaps there are things that are false about that statement.  Bottom line: it does you NO good to think this way; only makes you more desperate to lock onto one girl and get yourself off the dating market.  Not a good look and usually tends to drive girls away.  Put yourself more on a equal plane with her or any girl.  Also bottom line: modern dating is what you have to deal with right now; there's no way around it.  Wishing it wasn't the way it IS, won't make it go away.

Your kind of thinking is pervasive and fatalistic.  So you can see it turns something smaller into a bigger problem and paralyzes you in a way.  Also imbeds the very thoughts that will tend to sabotage your efforts and convince you that your negative thoughts were correct and then sadly they become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Meanwhile, some guy who does not have the negative thinking is out there getting closer to the girl of your dreams.  Just go out there and live your life and you will survive either way.  Learning experience from which if you go in with the right mindset you can increase your confidence regardless of what her response is.  Which guy are you going to be?!!