How do I gain confidence? I'll never find any girl if I don't.

[HopelessNick]

I'm one of the quietest and shyest guys you'll ever come across in person. I hardly say a word. However, I'm the complete opposite when it's not in person (for example, when online, on camera, on radio). Anyway, I do feel lonely and don't have many friends because obviously no one can connect with me. I do want a girlfriend, but I won't get one because of the way I am.

There was a time in college where I liked a classmate, but could never talk to her besides saying hi. She was always super super nice towards me. I ended up telling a couple of people I liked her and she found out. At the pub one night, I wanted to buy her a drink, but was too scared to all night. Towards the end of the night, I think her friends told her because she stood to one side of the pub and one of her friends told me to go up to her.

I ended up getting her a drink. I can't remember our whole conversation, but I do remember her saying I need to be much more confident.

How do I gain confidence?

[Weezy1973]

Confidence is tough to magically gain. Your quiet and shyness is likely actually social anxiety, so going to a good psychologist can work to treat it.

Confidence is more about realizing you can’t control what other people think of you and not worrying about it. If they don’t like you, no big deal. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. As long as you’re living by your core values, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

[rjc149]

You are shy because you are afraid.

You gain confidence by losing fear. 

You lose fear by getting comfortable doing things that make you fearful. 

My advice is to start pumping iron and getting diesel, and learn how to fight. Trust me. For men, nothing boosts confidence, testosterone and fearlessness more.

Then, just practice talking to strangers. Not just cute girls. Chat up everyone. Maybe watch some stand-up comedy, and learn to be witty. It's a skill that can be acquired with practice. 

[Fresh_Start]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

You are shy because you are afraid.

You gain confidence by losing fear. 

You lose fear by getting comfortable doing things that make you fearful. 

My advice is to start pumping iron and getting diesel, and learn how to fight. Trust me. For men, nothing boosts confidence, testosterone and fearlessness more.

Then, just practice talking to strangers. Not just cute girls. Chat up everyone. Maybe watch some stand-up comedy, and learn to be witty. It's a skill that can be acquired with practice. 

There is a lot of truth to this.  My own journey to confidence was one in which I got lucky by being unlucky.  At 15 I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease, which is an anomaly for a teenage male.  It turned me into a skinny beanpole and I even lost most of my eyebrows.  As a sophomore in high school, we were all still finding our way and wanting to fit in.  Nobody wanted to be friends with a guy who looked like he was dying of cancer.  I received a radioactive iodine treatment that nuked my thyroid out of existence and while I was recovering from that, my girlfriend was raped and murdered by her own stepfather.  

I buried myself in the gym and took it all out on the weights.  My eyebrows grew back and I went from being an emaciated looking alien to the biggest and strongest kid in my entire high school by the start of my Junior year.  All of a sudden, everybody wanted to be my friend and every girl wanted to date me.  It wasn't just because I looked good, but because of the confidence I had gained from overcoming adversity in a positive and constructive way.  I resonated confidence; it was part of my aura.  These adversities continued all throughout my teenage years, but as I continued to transform into a mass monster and full-blown dedicated bodybuilder I achieved all of the strength and size goals I had set for myself -- every week, every month, every year.  I also discovered a hidden talent in writing poetry that also contributed to achievement and recognition while serving as an additional positive outlet that helped me persevere through the adversity that life decided to toss in my direction.  In college, I felt invincible.  I was the king of the world in my own eyes and nothing could stop me.  I was absurdly confident and cocky, though never in a way that was demeaning or condescending to others.  It was a playful cockiness like Muhammad Ali.  

The moral of the story is: set goals for yourself that you can achieve, try new things that you've never done before -- things that might even put your own fears to the test as you go outside your comfort zone, and as you continue to get to know yourself -- your strengths, your talents, etc., pat yourself on the back for them.  Learn to love yourself and the awesome person that you are becoming as you achieve your goals and develop a heightened sense of self-awareness. 

Good luck to you in your own journey and don't put it off.  Be bold enough to start it today and remember that the race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.

[smackie9]

You can take courses in assertive training, and public speaking, or take a drama class. all that will get you out of your comfort zone and push you to be more outgoing. You can take up ballroom or salsa dance lessons...there will be ladies there looking for a partner. A man that can dance, is a man that gets laid.

Edited June 21, 2020 by smackie9

[Fox Sake]

What great advice you have been given here already. It’s gold dust  

My input without repeating other members - 

Do one thing each day that scares you... 

Be positive.  “I can and I will” is a good mantra to start with. 

[Ami1uwant]

Away from single women how is this shyness?

[Azincourt]

20 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I'm one of the quietest and shyest guys you'll ever come across in person. I hardly say a word. However, I'm the complete opposite when it's not in person (for example, when online, on camera, on radio). Anyway, I do feel lonely and don't have many friends because obviously no one can connect with me. I do want a girlfriend, but I won't get one because of the way I am.

There was a time in college where I liked a classmate, but could never talk to her besides saying hi. She was always super super nice towards me. I ended up telling a couple of people I liked her and she found out. At the pub one night, I wanted to buy her a drink, but was too scared to all night. Towards the end of the night, I think her friends told her because she stood to one side of the pub and one of her friends told me to go up to her.

I ended up getting her a drink. I can't remember our whole conversation, but I do remember her saying I need to be much more confident.

How do I gain confidence?

Being shy won't keep you from finding a woman who wants to be your girlfriend. There's lots of shy men out there with girlfriends.

How do you gain confidence?

Have your family doctor perform a battery of health exams on you to figure out if you are healthy enough to lift hard.

Get a gym membership. Hire a personal trainer if you can afford it and tell him you want to look like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy(2004) and then work hard to acquire that chiseled look, and to maintain it. You'll feel like a god when the t-shirt comes off and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror in awe of how perfect your body is. And women will too. They will approach you, ask you out, pretty much put sex on the table at first meeting, and they will seek out a romantic relationship with you.

If your smile isn't picture-perfect, save up money and get yourself a generic Hollywood smile. It's expensive but soooo worth it . If your hair is thinning or you are balding, save up for a hair transplant. It might seem expensive but I've known many older men who did it and they're very happy with the results. If you are not happy with your height, get custom made shoes. I'm 6 feet tall which makes me average where I am, but with normal shoes I get up to 6'2'' easily and with my custom made shoes - that no one can figure out they're fake anyway in a nightclub - I rise to a height of 6'6''.

Also, hire a personal therapist that can help you deal with your shyness.  Over time he will have you open up to the world and you'll feel great.

PS: if you can't afford a personal trainer, you can still work out and achieve an attractive body look by following and watching the videos from fitness trainers on youtube, and there's also online.communities for body-building.

Also, if you have a naturally hairy body, you can always get a professional to wax your body hair off, or you can get laser hair removal. The sessions take time,  it takes more than one session, and it's expensive - but it's so worth it. You'll feel so confident when you're at the beach or when you're wearing a t-shirt in your day to day life and you ain't seeing body hair standing tall on your forearms and arms.

Edited June 22, 2020 by Azincourt

[Roswell91]

2 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Being shy won't keep you from finding a woman who wants to be your girlfriend. There's lots of shy men out there with girlfriends.

How do you gain confidence?

Have your family doctor perform a battery of health exams on you to figure out if you are healthy enough to lift hard.

Get a gym membership. Hire a personal trainer if you can afford it and tell him you want to look like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy(2004) and then work hard to acquire that chiseled look, and to maintain it. You'll feel like a god when the t-shirt comes off and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror in awe of how perfect your body is. And women will too. They will approach you, ask you out, pretty much put sex on the table at first meeting, and they will seek out a romantic relationship with you.

If your smile isn't picture-perfect, save up money and get yourself a generic Hollywood smile. It's expensive but soooo worth it . If your hair is thinning or you are balding, save up for a hair transplant. It might seem expensive but I've known many older men who did it and they're very happy with the results. If you are not happy with your height, get custom made shoes. I'm 6 feet tall which makes me average where I am, but with normal shoes I get up to 6'2'' easily and with my custom made shoes - that no one can figure out they're fake anyway in a nightclub - I rise to a height of 6'6''.

Also, hire a personal therapist that can help you deal with your shyness.  Over time he will have you open up to the world and you'll feel great.

PS: if you can't afford a personal trainer, you can still work out and achieve an attractive body look by following and watching the videos from fitness trainers on youtube, and there's also online.communities for body-building.

Also, if you have a naturally hairy body, you can always get a professional to wax your body hair off, or you can get laser hair removal. The sessions take time,  it takes more than one session, and it's expensive - but it's so worth it. You'll feel so confident when you're at the beach or when you're wearing a t-shirt in your day to day life and you ain't seeing body hair standing tall on your forearms and arms.

Confidence is not only about external factors and looking good. It has to come from the inside.

You're basically advising him to become  a completely different person to who he is.

 

[Roswell91]

22 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I'm one of the quietest and shyest guys you'll ever come across in person. I hardly say a word. However, I'm the complete opposite when it's not in person (for example, when online, on camera, on radio). Anyway, I do feel lonely and don't have many friends because obviously no one can connect with me. I do want a girlfriend, but I won't get one because of the way I am.

There was a time in college where I liked a classmate, but could never talk to her besides saying hi. She was always super super nice towards me. I ended up telling a couple of people I liked her and she found out. At the pub one night, I wanted to buy her a drink, but was too scared to all night. Towards the end of the night, I think her friends told her because she stood to one side of the pub and one of her friends told me to go up to her.

I ended up getting her a drink. I can't remember our whole conversation, but I do remember her saying I need to be much more confident.

How do I gain confidence?

Try interacting with people more overall. Not only women you fancy, i mean everyone. 

Find new friends to hang out with and can may be help to bring you out of your shell. 

I was going to say join classes and go to meet ups but with the ongoing pandemic its not completely possible right now. I think there are various  classes people can join online via zoom. So check that out  

[Azincourt]

Yeah, after the pandemic is dealt with - gonna take a long while tho - start going to your local public park. Hang out, become a regular, start talking to the regulars.  Take up oil painting or something related to that. Talk to the people there. Get familiar with them. Join a sport club.  Fencing is great fun.

[Grey40]

Confidence is not about going to the gym or doing specific things. It’s all from within yourself. People who are unconfident tell talk to themselves in a negative manner. They have limiting beliefs that “I’m not good enough, I’m not this, I can’t do that”, and it’s a never ending self-fulfilling cycle. You need to start focusing on things that you do well, things you are good at, and start telling yourself that you bring value to the world. Once you change your thought process, confidence will just come. Hitting the gym will make you more attractive to women, and you’ll get noticed more, which may make you more confident in the short term, but the real key is to be see yourself as an awesome person with a lot to offer.

[manfrombelow]

Rjc149 knows what he's talking about.

Basically, just get out of your room and emerge yourself in physical activities like boxing, martial-arts, gym, climbing... The more you do it, the bolder, tougher and more confident you become. It's a gradual process. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by manfrombelow

[Realitysux]

This is how you gain confidence. I was so insecure not to long ago and completely broken and hopeless. I never thought I would be as strong physically and mentally as I am today. Forget any advice anyone ever gave you! People are noticing how strong I am mentally and are commenting on it. 

You face yourself and your past and you find the strengths you have from it and use it. Determine what you are good at and find a career you would be good at. Find a solid income and now you can afford other things. 

Take care of yourself. For me, my appearance turned around quick. Help others, I'm helping a few people myself. Start building yourself up without a relationship. 

Create a space you love. Don't hold back! 

[Calmandfocused]

On 6/22/2020 at 10:35 AM, Azincourt said:

Being shy won't keep you from finding a woman who wants to be your girlfriend. There's lots of shy men out there with girlfriends.

How do you gain confidence?

Have your family doctor perform a battery of health exams on you to figure out if you are healthy enough to lift hard.

Get a gym membership. Hire a personal trainer if you can afford it and tell him you want to look like Brad Pitt in the movie Troy(2004) and then work hard to acquire that chiseled look, and to maintain it. You'll feel like a god when the t-shirt comes off and you'll find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror in awe of how perfect your body is. And women will too. They will approach you, ask you out, pretty much put sex on the table at first meeting, and they will seek out a romantic relationship with you.

If your smile isn't picture-perfect, save up money and get yourself a generic Hollywood smile. It's expensive but soooo worth it . If your hair is thinning or you are balding, save up for a hair transplant. It might seem expensive but I've known many older men who did it and they're very happy with the results. If you are not happy with your height, get custom made shoes. I'm 6 feet tall which makes me average where I am, but with normal shoes I get up to 6'2'' easily and with my custom made shoes - that no one can figure out they're fake anyway in a nightclub - I rise to a height of 6'6''.

Also, hire a personal therapist that can help you deal with your shyness.  Over time he will have you open up to the world and you'll feel great.

PS: if you can't afford a personal trainer, you can still work out and achieve an attractive body look by following and watching the videos from fitness trainers on youtube, and there's also online.communities for body-building.

Also, if you have a naturally hairy body, you can always get a professional to wax your body hair off, or you can get laser hair removal. The sessions take time,  it takes more than one session, and it's expensive - but it's so worth it. You'll feel so confident when you're at the beach or when you're wearing a t-shirt in your day to day life and you ain't seeing body hair standing tall on your forearms and arms.

You have some great points but I disagree about encouraging this man to shave his body. 
 

I may be in the minority here but I think a man should have body hair. It’s masculine, part of being a man and very attractive IMO. 
 

Clean shaven chests are a right turn off to me. The thought of a shaven/ waxed chest with rash inducing stubble coming through is not a nice thought to me. I don’t care how nice his pecs are. 
 

just my opinion. 

[HopelessNick]

Thanks guys.

Last night, workmates went out to the pub. I didn't want to because one of them is a girl who knows I like her (I gently flirted with her on messenger a couple of times a couple of months ago, but she answered in short answers and I stopped trying.) I forced myself to go even though I didn't want to because I knew I'd be so uncomfortable. She actually called me asking if I was going and I said I would shortly. She sounded stressed and said "Can you come now please?", so I said yes.

I literally ignored her and hardly said a word to her all night because I was so scared, but I did a bit talk to the others. She didn't talk to me either. I noticed, I couldn't stop shaking my right leg while she was sitting at the table. I stopped when walked away for a bit.

Even when she isn't around, I don't talk much, but I don't think it's social anxiety because I'm not anxious, I just have nothing to say and my silence makes me feel uncomfortable if that makes sense. 

She probably either hates me now or thinks I'm heaps strange, but I'm pretty sure she'll never talk to me again unless she has to haha.

So am I suffering from a lack of confidence or something else?

[Azincourt]

38 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You have some great points but I disagree about encouraging this man to shave his body. 
 

I may be in the minority here but I think a man should have body hair. It’s masculine, part of being a man and very attractive IMO. 
 

Clean shaven chests are a right turn off to me. The thought of a shaven/ waxed chest with rash inducing stubble coming through is not a nice thought to me. I don’t care how nice his pecs are. 
 

just my opinion. 

It doesn't look good. When the guy is at 4% to 9% body  fat his muscles become a lot more prominent when the guy's chest is completely shaved/waxed. That's why fashion models get rid of their body hair, and also men like Brad Pitt,  Tom Cruise, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, and Chris Hemsworth.

And I think it's only fair. Women religiously shave and wax all of their body hair, it's only fair women don't feel like they're the only ones actually putting effort into their physical looks.

Quote

I literally ignored her and hardly said a word to her all night because I was so scared, but I did a bit talk to the others. She didn't talk to me either. I noticed, I couldn't stop shaking my right leg while she was sitting at the table. I stopped when walked away for a bit.

Literally ignoring people you like is only going to result in being literally ignored by the people you like. How about talking to a personal therapist about your issues and then seeing how it goes? Meditation. Medication - prescribed by the doctor - might help you a long way in getting you relaxed.

[Hopeful30]

On 6/21/2020 at 9:32 AM, HopelessNick said:

I'm one of the quietest and shyest guys you'll ever come across in person. I hardly say a word. However, I'm the complete opposite when it's not in person (for example, when online, on camera, on radio). Anyway, I do feel lonely and don't have many friends because obviously no one can connect with me. I do want a girlfriend, but I won't get one because of the way I am.

There was a time in college where I liked a classmate, but could never talk to her besides saying hi. She was always super super nice towards me. I ended up telling a couple of people I liked her and she found out. At the pub one night, I wanted to buy her a drink, but was too scared to all night. Towards the end of the night, I think her friends told her because she stood to one side of the pub and one of her friends told me to go up to her.

I ended up getting her a drink. I can't remember our whole conversation, but I do remember her saying I need to be much more confident.

How do I gain confidence?

Ask yourself why you feel unworthy of the women you like. Do you feel rejection is a reflection of your value as a man? 

Focus on your strengths, and remember to always be your most authentic self. There are women out there looking for exactly who you are!!

I've met so many men who felt this way, and it surprised me deeply. These men have so many wonderful things to offer but they're too focused on the "lack" mentality, so you end up pushing away women who are genuinely into you.

You don't need to be confident, you just need to rid yourself of the doubts you have about your value as a man.

[Fox Sake]

 

I’ve been thinking about this post. 
I see a lot of comments here solely about body image. As much as I respect the members , I have to say I think this is the wrong advice to give someone in his position.  He’s not trying to look better and that is not a long term solution. 

Gym, shaving your chest etc etc doesn’t fix the issue long term - which is self belief and being confident in your character and personality. The gym is a crutch and without it you can spiral On your self image. I know this first hand.

The only decent advice in that field, was training in a martial art because it trains your mind too. I would recommend Kung Fu. I watched someone just like you transform over the course of a year.
His image didn’t change much at all, but how he carried himself and inner confidence did.  

Not to dismiss all the advice , as I'm a former PT, I’m qualified. And yes training at the gym helps a whole lot, but only in the short term and for how you feel about your IMAGE. It doesn’t address your issue.

If you were to get sick or end up with an injury that puts you on your arse for 6 months (been there) and you lose a majority of your gains- that body image confidence fades. All the insecurities come back cos inside you’re still the same weak person as before. 
 

You need that inner confidence to fall back on.  The knowing that even if you don’t look as good as you did when training all the time , that your character and personality are more attractive than than your physical self. You can always go back to training your body, but training your mind is a journey that you never takes you steps back. 
 

You just need to learn to love yourself. Seriously dude , try some mantras. 

 

 

 

[RW M]

I'm in a very similar position to the OP (so prossibly not the best to be offering advice).

I sympathise a lot and it's not something with a 'quick fix'.

Unfortunately I think I've got myself into a sutuation where I 'depend' on the interest/approval of an 'attractive' woman in order to feel confident and validated. On the few rare occasions it happens I become this confident happy guy, but this doesn't last and soon as it fades I'm back to square one. 

I think making small gradual steps is the best way to view it, without thinking you'll be this confident guy with a gf who gets lots of attention straight away. Focusing on the end goal can stop you from making the first necessary steps.

It's good advice to do one 'scary' thing a day, something to make today a bit better than yesterday. And keep making those baby steps because that's all you can do at one time. Maybe if you do that for long enough, you'll then realise how much progress you've made that you wouldn't have thought possible. 

It's hard, I know, believe me. But life's about the journey, not the destination. If you're on a journey going in the right direction that's the best you can do. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm a woman so I don't know if this will count, LOL.

I was incredibly shy as a child, and deep down I still am now. But I used to also seriously lack confidence.

New age-y "just love yourself, you're awesome just because you exist, the universe loves you and you are perfect" stuff NEVER worked for me. I never believed that. Maybe I'm emotionally unhealthy but that was the way it was.

I never felt confident until I had done things that showed ME that I was awesome. (Or at least worthwhile.) I got a better job, and was involved in various things that *I could be proud of*. Some writing stuff, some other stuff that I got at least vague accolades for. 

You don't have to have an 8-pack and 4% body fat. I mean you can. But you might still not feel confident, because that can be fleeting. You'll always know in the back of your mind d that you're just one donut away from 5%. Not literally but you get the idea.

I was NEVER able to "fake it." And being skinny and pretty (I guess) didn't help. Those things can go away.

But improving my job, becoming a manager of my office, writing something that got published, helping save my friend's life by developing a plan to help with her medical bills from cancer - and getting hundreds of other people on board, becoming a single mother and working like a demon so that I could support my child 100% on my own...no help from anyone...I *had done* those things. 

Those will never go away. Because I did them. Forever, they're my accomplishments and a part of me. No matter what I'm doing today or not doing today, I know what I CAN do. What I'm capable of. Because I've actually done it. I don't have to fake anything or repeat a mantra. I KNOW. Because...I have.

When I think about those things, and more, plus other plans I'm working on now, that's when I know I'm worthy to be in anyone's company. I don't talk about this stuff. But it's in there and it makes me feel a different way, in other people's company, than I would otherwise. So I speak right out and have fun and meet people because I don't have that "what's so great about me?" thing making me question everything.

Edited July 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Emilie Jolie]

Hey Nick

The first thing I would do if I were you is stop calling yourself 'Hopeless' - this is self-defeating! Build yourself up, not down. 

I agree with @Fox Sakethat all of it is in the mind. You are your strongest ally, so you need to become your own cheerleader. It doesn't need to go over the top - arrogance or humble-bragging aren't particularly attractive traits either - but you have to have a healthy level of self-awareness without beating yourself up. A good balance is what you need.

You have a job, do stuff online confidently, you have some friends (even if not many - quality over quantity is good!) and some social life (you go to the pub!) so you have at least a base level of social stuff you can do.

 Sounds like you're not very experienced in interacting with people in general, and women you're attracted to specifically, which is making you super self conscious.

Either way, the best way to come out of your shell is by trial and error; socialising is a skill that you can learn like any other skill. Start observing how more experienced guys do it or what they say to flirt in person, tweek to suit your personality and go for it until you find your own communication style. Get yourself interested in the hot topics of the moment so you have stuff to say, work on your body language/posture, but mainly keep some perspective; none of us are perfect! Everyone around you likely struggles with their own thing, they're probably just better at hiding it.