Dididi Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 My bf and I are together now for almost 2 years. I (woman 29) am an introvert person and he (man 31) is an extravert. He is a good person, makes me happy 90% of the time, supports me in all that I do and loves me. I love him a lot but I am also an insecure person and need a lot of communication. This is more difficult for him as he is like a free bird who doesnt want to express his feelings. The problem we always have is that we fight a lot (over small things) and he doesnt stop, he gets very angry and disrepecting. I have to beg him and say sorry all the time because otherwise he stays angry (for hours, days). He is never in the fight/disagreement to fix things, he always tríes to hurt me (tells me i am stupid or I have bulls*** feelings, i know where the door is, he doesnt mind breaking up, etc.) I think he doesnt mean all those things but I have told him a lot of times now he has to stop that. He promised me it will get better and he will not try to hurt me when we are fighting but it seems to happen every time. when we are good, we are a perfect couple, when we are bad, the worst! I dont know what to do anymore. Is this something that you can work on? Do I fight for this relacionship because he has many good qualities? Or should it be a dealbreaker that he is so disrespectful and never admíts his wrongs? Thank you!!
FMW Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 He's not going to change. His good qualities won't make up for the things that make you feel bad, so no, you don't fight to hold on to the relationship just because he's not a completely horrible person. 17 minutes ago, Dididi said: he always tríes to hurt me That is be an absolute dealbreaker. 1 1
schlumpy Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 He does it because it works. Are you not he one who is apologizing? Have you apologized when he's been dead wrong? He doesn't respect you because you are submissive. Quit arguing with him. Don't allow him to push your buttons. Let him yell and scream and then say, "Are you finished?" Then walk away. Let him feel that his old strategy of "getting his way" will no longer work. And if he points towards the door one more time, take him up on it. 1 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 You have to stop enabling his mistreatment of you. Stop saying sorry if you don't need to. Stop excusing his bad behaviour by assuming he doesn't mean it - it's wrong. Plain and simple. I would personally not continue dating someone who tries to hurt me intentionally. That is a do-not-pass-go move in my books. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 In a relationship there will be disagreements. Those points of contention should not devolve into ridicule. My husband & I don't always think alike. I can be much more sensitive then he will ever be. I am also anxious & depressed. We have recently had a fight about Covid-19, reopening & our interactions with the world. He said something dismissive to me yesterday on a related subject. I whirled around on him & said "you don't get to invalidate my fears. You may not understand them. You may think I'm being silly but it's still how I feel & you need to respect that by treading lightly." At that point he realized how mean he'd been & apologized. Then he listened to my concerns & offered concrete information to help me deal with the issue so that we could come to a compromise. Your guy isn't willing to hear you. He's all about winning & eviscerating you when you fight. He is unwilling to take your point of view into consideration. That dismissiveness doesn't change. So what exactly would you be fighting for -- a lifetime of this ? 2 1
rjc149 Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Dididi said: (tells me i am stupid or I have bulls*** feelings, i know where the door is, he doesnt mind breaking up, etc.) Are you willing to walk out that door? Or are you at least looking to see what lies outside of it? He doesn't respect you. Nothing will restore his respect than having one foot out the door. 1 2
Author Dididi Posted June 21, 2020 Author Posted June 21, 2020 5 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Are you willing to walk out that door? Or are you at least looking to see what lies outside of it? He doesn't respect you. Nothing will restore his respect than having one foot out the door. 5 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Are you willing to walk out that door? Or are you at least looking to see what lies outside of it? He doesn't respect you. Nothing will restore his respect than having one foot out the door. thanks everyone for replying, I really appreciate it. Yes I am willing to.. because in the end, my happiness is more important. But I am also afraid because I know that he can be a great guy and when we are good, we are a great and loving couple and I love him a lot so obviously i will miss him like crazy. I dont want to make a mistake.. But when we fight I feel like his ego is more important, he doesnt care about my feelings and hurting me, and i dont know if I can handle that for the rest of my life. It is something he has to work on but I dont think he wants to do that. I am going to speak with him tonight and ask him if he is willing to work on himself to make our relationship better. If he doesnt want to, I am forced to break up with him and choose for myself.. 1
hippychick3 Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 46 minutes ago, Dididi said: thanks everyone for replying, I really appreciate it. Yes I am willing to.. because in the end, my happiness is more important. But I am also afraid because I know that he can be a great guy and when we are good, we are a great and loving couple and I love him a lot so obviously i will miss him like crazy. I dont want to make a mistake.. But when we fight I feel like his ego is more important, he doesnt care about my feelings and hurting me, and i dont know if I can handle that for the rest of my life. It is something he has to work on but I dont think he wants to do that. I am going to speak with him tonight and ask him if he is willing to work on himself to make our relationship better. If he doesnt want to, I am forced to break up with him and choose for myself.. He will just tell you what you want to hear. Just because he says he will change doesn’t mean he will. This is who he is... someone who is nice as long as he isn’t challenged in any way. Any man who can disrespect you that way is not a man worth fighting for. None of his positive behaviors make up for or justify his verbal abuse. You deserve better. As soon as you really understand and believe that, you will only attract men who treat you with respect ALL of the time. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Dididi said: I know that he can be a great guy and when we are good, we are a great and loving couple and I love him a lot so obviously i will miss him like crazy. I dont want to make a mistake.. There are a lot of great guys out there, OP. Ones who don't play dirty and intentionally hurt their partners when they get mad. Those are the guys who can truly and consistently be the other half of a great, loving couple. No couple is great all the time, of course, but conflict-resolution skills are a significant indicator of the overall health of a relationship. Life is challenging enough as it is;l you don't need a partner who makes those times even harder by belittling and demeaning you.
Mystery4u Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 If you are like this after 2 years imagine after 20. Break up. 2
kendahke Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 (edited) Quote He is a good person, makes me happy 90% of the time, we fight a lot (over small things) he doesnt stop, he gets very angry and disrepecting. I have to beg him and say sorry all the time he stays angry (for hours, days). He is never in the fight/disagreement to fix things, he always tríes to hurt me tells me i am stupid or I have bulls*** feelings, i know where the door is, he doesnt mind breaking up, etc. I think he doesnt mean all those things Nope---that's where you've got this wrong. He does mean what he says; that's why he keeps saying that to you. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't say this to you. He knows you're not going anywhere. You'll stick around and take it off him, so that's why he keeps doing it and that's why his respect for you is no longer a constant thing. He's pretty much got you beaten down to pulp. Quote but I have told him a lot of times now he has to stop that. He promised me it will get better and he will not try to hurt me when we are fighting but it seems to happen every time. So what you should take away from this is that he's not going to mind "mom" telling him to stop it. He doesn't care about your feelings. He enjoys doing this to you because, well, there you are: not going anywhere. No consequences for his behavior. You're co-dependent and enable this treatment by staying with him, so he has nothing to fear from you. You telling him you're leaving? That doesn't frighten him, so stop issuing woof tickets. Leave and block him. Get on with your life and don't look back. Find another man who doesn't treat you like this. That's the only thing he will respect. Anytime any man tells you "you know where the door is", your relationship is over except for the breaking up. Quote when we are good, we are a perfect couple, when we are bad, the worst! That's just it: you two aren't good. Good couples don't engage in abusive behavior. Incompatible couples do this and there comes a time when you need to pull your head out of the sand and quit lying to yourself just to say "I got a man". No person--male or female--who is worth it has to be fought for. Fighting doesn't enter into any of this. You already see what fighting gets you. Nowhere. What you are fighting is for your version of who you want this guy to be to inhabit his body and that isn't going to happen. He is what he is and you either accept that and put up with his disrespect and be quiet and content that you've got a man or you don't and you leave. Edited June 21, 2020 by kendahke 2
preraph Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 He means every word of it. He's a mean jerk. Why are you pretending he's not? You need to leave him and find someone nice. 1 1
Author Dididi Posted June 22, 2020 Author Posted June 22, 2020 11 hours ago, kendahke said: Nope---that's where you've got this wrong. He does mean what he says; that's why he keeps saying that to you. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't say this to you. He knows you're not going anywhere. You'll stick around and take it off him, so that's why he keeps doing it and that's why his respect for you is no longer a constant thing. He's pretty much got you beaten down to pulp. So what you should take away from this is that he's not going to mind "mom" telling him to stop it. He doesn't care about your feelings. He enjoys doing this to you because, well, there you are: not going anywhere. No consequences for his behavior. You're co-dependent and enable this treatment by staying with him, so he has nothing to fear from you. You telling him you're leaving? That doesn't frighten him, so stop issuing woof tickets. Leave and block him. Get on with your life and don't look back. Find another man who doesn't treat you like this. That's the only thing he will respect. Anytime any man tells you "you know where the door is", your relationship is over except for the breaking up. That's just it: you two aren't good. Good couples don't engage in abusive behavior. Incompatible couples do this and there comes a time when you need to pull your head out of the sand and quit lying to yourself just to say "I got a man". No person--male or female--who is worth it has to be fought for. Fighting doesn't enter into any of this. You already see what fighting gets you. Nowhere. What you are fighting is for your version of who you want this guy to be to inhabit his body and that isn't going to happen. He is what he is and you either accept that and put up with his disrespect and be quiet and content that you've got a man or you don't and you leave. You all are right. I spoke with him and told him how I felt and he said that he couldnt (doesnt) want to change or work on himself and his behaviour. I just broke up with him now so I am very sad. He just packed all his stuff and he left, we didnt fight anymore and we just have to accept this is not going to work. I know I made the right decision. Love is not supposed to hurt so much. I have to accept it and move on with my life. thanks everyone for your opinions, i wish you all the best luck in love and that you never have to go through that I am going through right now. Big kisses from a girl in pain 4 1
d0nnivain Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 This too shall pass. As much as it sucks in this moment, it was for the best. I really believe this is a when one door closes a window opens situation. Hang in there. 1
Author Dididi Posted June 22, 2020 Author Posted June 22, 2020 32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: This too shall pass. As much as it sucks in this moment, it was for the best. I really believe this is a when one door closes a window opens situation. Hang in there. Thank you so much. i really need positive energie right now. It is hard but I will be so much stronger then before, I have to admit that I am very proud of myself for making this decision for me lot of love, Denise x 1
preraph Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 4 hours ago, Dididi said: You all are right. I spoke with him and told him how I felt and he said that he couldnt (doesnt) want to change or work on himself and his behaviour. I just broke up with him now so I am very sad. He just packed all his stuff and he left, we didnt fight anymore and we just have to accept this is not going to work. I know I made the right decision. Love is not supposed to hurt so much. I have to accept it and move on with my life. thanks everyone for your opinions, i wish you all the best luck in love and that you never have to go through that I am going through right now. Big kisses from a girl in pain I'm so proud of you! You didn't let him waste anymore of your time and emotions. You know we date and spend time with people so we can find out if they're a good addition to our lives, and it's hard not to get invested even when they're not. But you have to shoot for happiness, and he just was too selfish and not going to change. I know you'll feel really sad for a while, but now one of these days you will find happiness. He was pretty abusive and they only get worse. You can't love someone into being a nice person. Pamper yourself and treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Wish I could give you a big hug. 1
kendahke Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 8 hours ago, Dididi said: thanks everyone for your opinions, i wish you all the best luck in love and that you never have to go through that I am going through right now. You did what is in your best interests. It hurts right now, but in time, you will look back and feel proud of yourself for standing up for what you require from a relationship. And this guy is the last guy who is going to try to pull this on you--any who follow will be cut off before it gets this far. And know this: you're not asking for a lot. What you want is reasonable and it's the way anyone would want to be treated. He chose his selfishness and he's the one who has to live with the consequences of doing that, not you. Not anymore. 1
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