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Ive accepted it's over, but I have 2 questions - I would really appreciate your thoughts

RSEJ

By RSEJ
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manfrombelow Established Member

manfrombelow

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Posted

I questioned her and she said she'd known him for ages and he's just a friend. The day after i bought her flowers and took her to a restaturant she told me she loved me - it was all fine.

1. You basically "rewarded" her wrongful behaviour (cheating) by buying her flowers. This is needy, despertate and approval seeking behaviour.

On tuesday i sent her a message saying "I blamed myself for this situation - that it was my fault, that she felt suffocated - i should of been more independent without you"

2. Well, even though it might be true that your neediness turned her off, but you didn't have to send this kind of pathetic message because all it did was lowering your value even more in her eyes.

 

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Juha Established Member

Juha

Posted
Posted

Glad to see you will never let yourself fawn and put a woman on a pedestal again.  

They need to prove themselves to you and treat you right also.

 

Also you gave this low integrity whore another chance, never do that again.

Once they cheat, dump and never look back

 

Time to do you and get yourself back

I wish you luck

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manfrombelow Established Member

manfrombelow

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Juha said:

Glad to see you will never let yourself fawn and put a woman on a pedestal again.  

They need to prove themselves to you and treat you right also.

 

Also you gave this low integrity whore another chance, never do that again.

Once they cheat, dump and never look back

 

Time to do you and get yourself back

I wish you luck

I second this.

No matter how much you truly love her, you MUST NOT take her back after she cheats. Why? Because that's the moment you basically said to her that "My dignity and boundary means NOTHING", which will result in she keeps whoring around over and over and over again.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you had to go through this.  She was just telling one lie to cover up another and she sounds like a user.  If it makes you feel any better,she's probably not friends with anyone unless there's something in it for her.  It's painful but it's best you just close the books and move on as best you can.  Eat,drink, smoke, etc. for a week or so, then move on with things.  She'll screw others over as well.  

Grey40 Established Member

Grey40

Posted
Posted (edited)

Damn that sucks. I’ve had this happen to me before as well, although I never found any real proof that she cheated or was planning on it. But she did start dating a new guy almost immediately. 
 

you knew in your gut that something was wrong, which is why you wanted to check her phone so much in the first place. The gut almost never lies. You shouldn’t have broke that trust boundary, but the fact you felt compelled to do so was all you needed to know.

Edited by Grey40
Fox Sake Established Member

Fox Sake

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 6/21/2020 at 10:54 AM, RSEJ said:

Ok im going to keep this as brief as possible

I was with a girl for 1.5 years, im 27 years old - shes also 27

January:
She told me she wanted to visit another country and i said sure lets go, it would be great - but she said she wanted to go by herself. I felt something wasnt right, so i looked through her phone and she was sending dirty messages to another guy in that country. 2 weeks before she had met my parents who came over to visit me.. the cheek.. She found out i looked through her phone and gas lighted me saying "how dare I" and "i chose you thats why i didnt go". Anyway I stupidly decided to give her another chance. From that point i didnt look through her phone again and decided to trust her.

end of May:
She had a house warming party - I thought it was a bit odd that she didnt invite me so i asked and she said "girls only sorry baby" . I thought nothing of it as she hangs out with girls a lot. I also noticed 2 weeks ago that this guy kept liking her instagram pictures - I questioned her and she said she'd known him for ages and he's just a friend. The day after i bought her flowers and took her to a restaturant she told me she loved me - it was all fine.

11th June - I found a picture showing two guys at the house warming party. I decided to question her on this.

  • Friday - i picked her up and questioned her "why did you lie to me about 2 guys being there you know i wouldnt of minded - it just upset me that you didnt invie me" she replied with "i didnt want to argue, i never lie to my boyfriends - i think i dont love you". She said that the guy was invited by her friend and had nothing to do with her.
  • I broke down crying, she started crying - it was a mess.I felt confused, but i accepted it. I asked her this.. "is it you met someone else, have you cheated on me? - please tell me - it will make it easier for me to move on".She swore to me she hadnt.
  • The same night she came crying back to me saying that she regreted it - i told her "you need time to think and so do I" lets meet Sunday. 
  • Sunday, she ended it and said she felt she was out of love. She was so nice to me saying "Im here for you, im sorry - you were such a nice boyfriend"

I spent 4 days eating 1 meal, losing 2.5 kg, smoked 2 packs of ciggarettes - in the absolute the worst state ive ever been - im doing muhc better now.

I used to focus on my business and her - I wouldnt hang out wiht male friends much (partly because of covid 19) but just because she was my best friend. I focused on my purpose (freelance design) and her. On tuesday i sent her a message saying "I blamed myself for this situation - that it was my fault, that she felt suffocated - i should of been more independent without you" she responded saying pretty much dont be she was afraid that she would upset me again, and that we'd argue etc.

So..

Friday, literally last friday I went to the gym and i noticed that there was this guy also there... It was the same guy from the house party. I thought to myself do i go up to him and ask him or do i leave it... I decied to ask. He told me the following:

  • He was very honest, and he was shocked - she had told him that her bf was the bf before me.
  • He had no idea about me - he had asked at the houseparty in front of everyone does she have a boyfriend and she replied "no". Just to think... the day after that houseparty i sent her handpicked flowers, took her to a fancy restaurant and she told me she loved me... lol 
  • He had been invited by my girlfriend to the house party
  • They slept together 2 days after we broke up.

I asked him, if he would not tell her i know (im sure she'll find out soon enough that i know) and he said yeh sure.. something similar had happened to him a year ago. 

I wrote a letter basically saying that everyone deserves happiness but not at the cost of others, especially those that have been so good to you. I decided not to give it to her and to just accept and move on.Ive accepeted that it's over, my question is this:

1. Do i have a right to be angry, was this cheating? she lied, betrayed me for about month bfore the end of the relationship - she told me she loved me up until the very last moment... 
2. I live in a small place, i know i will run into her again at some point, for sure. I dont know how to act, what to say - do i tell her i know etc. etc.

What ive learnt is that I definitley needed to spend more time with male friends and not her, to create attraction - i know i messed up there. When you get on with someone like a best friend you kind of lose yourself.

If youve read all of this, thank you..seriously

 

WELL DONE! for not sending that letter. It would have made you look pathetic. 
I’m really sorry for you man. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve been there before myself.
You did the right thing approaching the other guy in the gym and finding out for yourself. 
 

1. You have every right to be angry. She lied to you. She told you what you wanted to hear and played with your emotions, played this other guy too and essentially cheated on you. Angry is a good emotion to feel.  It will serve you well in your healing- it’ll knock her clean off that pillar she’s been standing on in your head. . The most important part is that you have accepted it. 
 

Which leads me to your second question. 
 

If you see her about , the best thing you can try to feel is comedic pity for her. - I mean imagine being that emotionally retarded that she lied about it all.  This girl is a skank. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! She actually did you a favour, like seriously. Rejoice over it. 

2. If  you guys end up talking again or she tries to apologise to you if you see her,  the best thing you can say is that-

  “I’m thankful I found out.  I think I actually owe you some thanks - It’s done me a favour and made me realise I can do and deserve so much better! It might have been fun for a while, but now I realise I would never go back down that road again with you. I would never be able to respect or trust you properly again in anything passed a friendship. I wish you all the best tho!” 

 At this point you can give a kind and light hearted laugh in dismay at how pathetic she is- that laugh will come naturally after you see her shocked and utter confusion of a reaction. Then walk away after saying you have a busy day and need to crack on with it , with a smile on your face but I’m sure we will see each other about. If you see her anywhere after that you can be totally indifferent, you can say hi , chat with mutual friends for some banter Etc etc. She means zero to you from here on. More a friendship of pity towards her.

She won’t be expecting that.  You’re taking all your power back, rejecting HER , and also coming across as stronger from it- which you are. She made you an option, so she’s no longer your priority. 



 

 

Edited by Fox Sake
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