Ive accepted it's over, but I have 2 questions - I would really appreciate your thoughts

June 21, 2020

Ok im going to keep this as brief as possible

I was with a girl for 1.5 years, im 27 years old - shes also 27

January:
She told me she wanted to visit another country and i said sure lets go, it would be great - but she said she wanted to go by herself. I felt something wasnt right, so i looked through her phone and she was sending dirty messages to another guy in that country. 2 weeks before she had met my parents who came over to visit me.. the cheek.. She found out i looked through her phone and gas lighted me saying "how dare I" and "i chose you thats why i didnt go". Anyway I stupidly decided to give her another chance. From that point i didnt look through her phone again and decided to trust her.

end of May:
She had a house warming party - I thought it was a bit odd that she didnt invite me so i asked and she said "girls only sorry baby" . I thought nothing of it as she hangs out with girls a lot. I also noticed 2 weeks ago that this guy kept liking her instagram pictures - I questioned her and she said she'd known him for ages and he's just a friend. The day after i bought her flowers and took her to a restaturant she told me she loved me - it was all fine.

11th June - I found a picture showing two guys at the house warming party. I decided to question her on this.

Friday - i picked her up and questioned her "why did you lie to me about 2 guys being there you know i wouldnt of minded - it just upset me that you didnt invie me" she replied with "i didnt want to argue, i never lie to my boyfriends - i think i dont love you". She said that the guy was invited by her friend and had nothing to do with her.
I broke down crying, she started crying - it was a mess.I felt confused, but i accepted it. I asked her this.. "is it you met someone else, have you cheated on me? - please tell me - it will make it easier for me to move on".She swore to me she hadnt.
The same night she came crying back to me saying that she regreted it - i told her "you need time to think and so do I" lets meet Sunday.
Sunday, she ended it and said she felt she was out of love. She was so nice to me saying "Im here for you, im sorry - you were such a nice boyfriend"

I spent 4 days eating 1 meal, losing 2.5 kg, smoked 2 packs of ciggarettes - in the absolute the worst state ive ever been - im doing muhc better now.

I used to focus on my business and her - I wouldnt hang out wiht male friends much (partly because of covid 19) but just because she was my best friend. I focused on my purpose (freelance design) and her. On tuesday i sent her a message saying "I blamed myself for this situation - that it was my fault, that she felt suffocated - i should of been more independent without you" she responded saying pretty much dont be she was afraid that she would upset me again, and that we'd argue etc.

So..

Friday, literally last friday I went to the gym and i noticed that there was this guy also there... It was the same guy from the house party. I thought to myself do i go up to him and ask him or do i leave it... I decied to ask. He told me the following:

He was very honest, and he was shocked - she had told him that her bf was the bf before me.
He had no idea about me - he had asked at the houseparty in front of everyone does she have a boyfriend and she replied "no". Just to think... the day after that houseparty i sent her handpicked flowers, took her to a fancy restaurant and she told me she loved me... lol
He had been invited by my girlfriend to the house party
They slept together 2 days after we broke up.

I asked him, if he would not tell her i know (im sure she'll find out soon enough that i know) and he said yeh sure.. something similar had happened to him a year ago.

I wrote a letter basically saying that everyone deserves happiness but not at the cost of others, especially those that have been so good to you. I decided not to give it to her and to just accept and move on.Ive accepeted that it's over, my question is this:

1. Do i have a right to be angry, was this cheating? she lied, betrayed me for about month bfore the end of the relationship - she told me she loved me up until the very last moment...
2. I live in a small place, i know i will run into her again at some point, for sure. I dont know how to act, what to say - do i tell her i know etc. etc.

What ive learnt is that I definitley needed to spend more time with male friends and not her, to create attraction - i know i messed up there. When you get on with someone like a best friend you kind of lose yourself.

If youve read all of this, thank you..seriously

June 21, 2020

Oh wow. I'm sorry. She's a real piece of work! Stop blaming yourself, she has been treating you like trash and you deserve better.

There is nothing wrong with you, a girl who's worth it will appreciate your efforts. You will get over this and find someone better!

June 21, 2020

Sorry you have to deal with this. It's never easy to be "Blind-Sided" by the person you thought you could count on. To answer your questions...

1) Yes... you have a right to be mad. You were cheated on !! Regardless if they slept together or not... you were VERY MUCH still together, and she was out with someone else with romantic intentions. Not to mention... she was lying about what she was doing... and tried to put the guilt on you. (With the "How dare you" when looking at her phone.)

2) you don't say anything. Period. You can't force someone to love you... and you can't get someone to understand the hurt they caused by cheating. If you are somewhere she shows up at... you should either ignore her... or just leave. I personally would leave, because ignoring her will eat at you.

Good luck with moving forward.

June 21, 2020

Absolutely be angry but save some of it for yourself.

You had all the evidence you needed but you did the "Pick Me" dance and allowed her to hang around using you as plan B until she found your replacement.

Yes be angry with her, but understand that you will have to set up firm relationship rules for the future and stick by them.

Make a vow to not let this happen again and under no circumstances take her back.

You have flushed out all your online media, right?

Her phone number is blocked on your phone, right?

You have already disposed of any item that reminds you of her, right?

June 21, 2020

Yes, it is perfectly understandable that you are angry. It is quite clear she is not an honest person and had been cheating on you - if not physically, then most definitely emotionally. I suspect she probably also has cheated physically, though.

The mistake you made here was continuing to date her after you found inappropriate messages being exchanged with this other guy abroad. Why did you decide not to kick her to the curb right then and there? I know that accepting reality is painful and people tend to live in a denial for a bit, but let that be an important lesson in the future. She had every intention to cheat on you with this guy and the only reason she didn't was because you busted her.

And when you happen to run into her around town? Just keep walking. Say nothing to her. She doesn't deserve the energy you'd waste on forming any words for her.

June 21, 2020

51 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sorry you have to deal with this. It's never easy to be "Blind-Sided" by the person you thought you could count on. To answer your questions...

1) Yes... you have a right to be mad. You were cheated on !! Regardless if they slept together or not... you were VERY MUCH still together, and she was out with someone else with romantic intentions. Not to mention... she was lying about what she was doing... and tried to put the guilt on you. (With the "How dare you" when looking at her phone.)

2) you don't say anything. Period. You can't force someone to love you... and you can't get someone to understand the hurt they caused by cheating. If you are somewhere she shows up at... you should either ignore her... or just leave. I personally would leave, because ignoring her will eat at you.

Good luck with moving forward.

Thank you for this, youre right. Im sure she will approach me and then maybe i just act normal, confident but in th emoment it's not easy.

34 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Absolutely be angry but save some of it for yourself.

You had all the evidence you needed but you did the "Pick Me" dance and allowed her to hang around using you as plan B until she found your replacement.

Yes be angry with her, but understand that you will have to set up firm relationship rules for the future and stick by them.

Make a vow to not let this happen again and under no circumstances take her back.

You have flushed out all your online media, right?

Her phone number is blocked on your phone, right?

You have already disposed of any item that reminds you of her, right?

You are so right. Im 28 and i have learnt so much - you can never 'give' too much of yourself, it doesnt matter how long youve been together.
I vowed to myself never to get back with her and not to make the same mistakes. I will never give anyone a second chance without them running back to me (the first time i wanted to carry on wiht the relationship i didnt let her run back to me... i know shameful).

I have deleted every single photo

I didnt block her, or unfollow her on instagram, i muted her stories and posts so i cant see her - ithink there is a part of me wanting her to know that she made a mistake - or even just to see me shining in the future. Do you htink this is wrong?

I have 2 items of hers a rice cooker (i kept because it was useful) and she made me this macrame flower thing which when i thought she ended it in a nice honest way - i kept it as a remider of her. Now i should either return this or throw it away right? Everything else i gave back to her.

June 21, 2020

15 minutes ago, RSEJ said:

I have 2 items of hers a rice cooker (i kept because it was useful) and she made me this macrame flower thing which when i thought she ended it in a nice honest way - i kept it as a remider of her. Now i should either return this or throw it away right? Everything else i gave back to her.

If you are using the rice cooker keep it, but put it out of sight if it brings up memories. Having a hard with the macramé? Box it up.

When your feelings have shifted to indifference, pull the macramé back out and make your decision then.

I would block her on everything. If she wants to find out how you are doing, then make her put in some effort. Don't give her an easy way to do it.

Look up a program called the 180. It will help you detach from your feelings and all of these decisions will become easier.

Stay strong and in control.

June 21, 2020

Forget about the Covid and you "suffocating" her, this started in January or maybe even before.
In January you found out that she was in effect looking for other guys and you chose to ignore it.
Bad move.
The rest of the story was kind of predictable.

2 hours ago, RSEJ said:

I definitley needed to spend more time with male friends and not her, to create attraction

NO, the attraction was already gone, you spending more time apart I guess would have sent her away even quicker.
Your mistake was not appreciating that her setting up a meet up abroad with some guy she was sexting with, was the beginning of the end.
At that point she was no longer your gf.
She was seeking your replacement.
It was all over, bar the shouting.

Trust the people who show you you can trust them.
She showed you she was untrustworthy and you decided to then blindly trust her...
Don't do that again

Edited June 21, 2020 by elaine567

June 21, 2020

50 minutes ago, RSEJ said:

Thank you for this, youre right. Im sure she will approach me and then maybe i just act normal, confident but in th emoment it's not easy.

You are so right. Im 28 and i have learnt so much - you can never 'give' too much of yourself, it doesnt matter how long youve been together.
I vowed to myself never to get back with her and not to make the same mistakes. I will never give anyone a second chance without them running back to me (the first time i wanted to carry on wiht the relationship i didnt let her run back to me... i know shameful).

I have deleted every single photo

I didnt block her, or unfollow her on instagram, i muted her stories and posts so i cant see her - ithink there is a part of me wanting her to know that she made a mistake - or even just to see me shining in the future. Do you htink this is wrong?

I have 2 items of hers a rice cooker (i kept because it was useful) and she made me this macrame flower thing which when i thought she ended it in a nice honest way - i kept it as a remider of her. Now i should either return this or throw it away right? Everything else i gave back to her.

1. Given all her behaviour as a whole. I would count it as cheating.

2. Dont acknowledge her at all.

Another thing don't let this experience make you bitter.

Not everyone behaves this way.

June 21, 2020

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The mistake you made here was continuing to date her after you found inappropriate messages being exchanged with this other guy abroad. Why did you decide not to kick her to the curb right then and there?

Yup, this. You had all the information you needed and choose to ignore it.

I get it though. When you care about someone deeply it's easy to be blind to things that run contrary to the story you're so invested in. But when you find hard evidence, man, you need to open your eyes. Actually, when dating, you need to practice objectivist thinking along with the affection and adoration. If something doesn't feel right, you should investigate rather than sweeping it under. The "not welcome to the girls-only house party" happened after you'd found the sexting and plans to travel to cheat. What you should have understood by that point is that she had no integrity, that lying and cheating came as naturally to her as drinking water.

This stuff has nothing to do with you––it's inherent in her character. It will be a recurring theme in her future relationships. A few takeaways... when they tell (or show) you who they are, believe it. Honor yourself above all, and don't accept poor treatment. And this one is really important... learn the difference between someone who loves and cares for you in particular, as opposed those who pretend but for whom you are merely filling a vacancy. If you're only occupying a position, then you are interchangeable with any other, and you can bet that they'll be keeping their eyes open to upgrade. Select for character and integrity first. They all have...

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sucks regardless, but there may be some consolation in consciously knowing that her deficits were completely unacceptable, and that your only mistake was ignoring the signals and staying in a bit too long.

Edited June 21, 2020 by salparadise

June 21, 2020

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Forget about the Covid and you "suffocating" her, this started in January or maybe even before.
In January you found out that she was in effect looking for other guys and you chose to ignore it.
Bad move.
The rest of the story was kind of predictable.

NO, the attraction was already gone, you spending more time apart I guess would have sent her away even quicker.
Your mistake was not appreciating that her setting up a meet up abroad with some guy she was sexting with, was the beginning of the end.
At that point she was no longer your gf.
She was seeking your replacement.
It was all over, bar the shouting.

Trust the people who show you you can trust them.
She showed you she was untrustworthy and you decided to then blindly trust her...
Don't do that again

I should have listened to you a year ago, yes its the same girl.. In actual fact 2 months after this thread she obviously became my girlfriend, she was the first one to tell me she loved me, anyway red flags, are red flags.

EDIT: im sure at that point she did love me - but i made mistakes i lost myself and her true colours showed shortly after.

Edited June 21, 2020 by RSEJ

June 21, 2020

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

If you are using the rice cooker keep it, but put it out of sight if it brings up memories. Having a hard with the macramé? Box it up.

When your feelings have shifted to indifference, pull the macramé back out and make your decision then.

I would block her on everything. If she wants to find out how you are doing, then make her put in some effort. Don't give her an easy way to do it.

Look up a program called the 180. It will help you detach from your feelings and all of these decisions will become easier.

Stay strong and in control.

thank you for this - I looked up the 180 thing but couldnt find anything, do you have a link please?

44 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Yup, this. You had all the information you needed and choose to ignore it.

I get it though. When you care about someone deeply it's easy to be blind to things that run contrary to the story you're so invested in. But when you find hard evidence, man, you need to open your eyes. Actually, when dating, you need to practice objectivist thinking along with the affection and adoration. If something doesn't feel right, you should investigate rather than sweeping it under. The "not welcome to the girls-only house party" happened after you'd found the sexting and plans to travel to cheat. What you should have understood by that point is that she had no integrity, that lying and cheating came as naturally to her as drinking water.

This stuff has nothing to do with you––it's inherent in her character. It will be a recurring theme in her future relationships. A few takeaways... when they tell (or show) you who they are, believe it. Honor yourself above all, and don't accept poor treatment. And this one is really important... learn the difference between someone who loves and cares for you in particular, as opposed those who pretend but for whom you are merely filling a vacancy. If you're only occupying a position, then you are interchangeable with any other, and you can bet that they'll be keeping their eyes open to upgrade. Select for character and integrity first. They all have...

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sucks regardless, but there may be some consolation in consciously knowing that her deficits were completely unacceptable, and that your only mistake was ignoring the signals and staying in a bit too long.

Thank you for this, ive written down some of what youve said.

June 21, 2020

pull up you favorite search program and type in "cheating 180"

You will have a selection of sites to choose from. The one eighty has been edited by various people so looking at more than one site makes sense.

June 21, 2020

4 hours ago, RSEJ said:

I questioned her and she said she'd known him for ages and he's just a friend. The day after i bought her flowers and took her to a restaturant she told me she loved me - it was all fine.

On tuesday i sent her a message saying "I blamed myself for this situation - that it was my fault, that she felt suffocated - i should of been more independent without you"

The day after she gives you the "he's just a friend" cover story, which you knew was a lie, you reward her.

She cheats on you, and you apologize to her.

I am guessing that this reflects your overall conduct in the relationship. Pampering her, smothering her with affection, seeking her approval, treating her as higher value than you. This is very needy, weak behavior and it turns women off like a light switch. She lost respect for you, and that's why she fell out of love. That's why she repeatedly insulted your intelligence with her lame cover stories and lies, because you "decided to believe her" like a chump. She knew you weren't going to stand up for yourself or walk away.

Seriously, you catch her sexting some dude that she was planning to go visit by herself, and you take her back? Then send her hand-picked flowers? What was going to be the deal-breaker with this girl?

Live and learn. Once you're over your pain (and you will get over it), you'll see in hindsight that women leave guys who are low-value. Some will do it honestly, and some, like your ex, will do it behind your back. But they will leave.

If you treat your woman like a queen, she will see you as a servant.

And when a woman says "I love you" -- it's a verbal expression of her emotions in that moment. It's not a declaration of her position. It doesn't mean what you want it to mean. It just means she feels good about you in that moment.

June 21, 2020

13 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

The day after she gives you the "he's just a friend" cover story, which you knew was a lie, you reward her.

She cheats on you, and you apologize to her.

I am guessing that this reflects your overall conduct in the relationship. Pampering her, smothering her with affection, seeking her approval, treating her as higher value than you. This is very needy, weak behavior and it turns women off like a light switch. She lost respect for you, and that's why she fell out of love. That's why she repeatedly insulted your intelligence with her lame cover stories and lies, because you "decided to believe her" like a chump. She knew you weren't going to stand up for yourself or walk away.

Seriously, you catch her sexting some dude that she was planning to go visit by herself, and you take her back? Then send her hand-picked flowers? What was going to be the deal-breaker with this girl?

Live and learn. Once you're over your pain (and you will get over it), you'll see in hindsight that women leave guys who are low-value. Some will do it honestly, and some, like your ex, will do it behind your back. But they will leave.

If you treat your woman like a queen, she will see you as a servant.

And when a woman says "I love you" -- it's a verbal expression of her emotions in that moment. It's not a declaration of her position. It doesn't mean what you want it to mean. It just means she feels good about you in that moment.

I 100% agree with you i put her on a pedestal i treated her like a queen - i gave too much. The flowers was months later a different thing and i genuinely did not know that she was messaging the second guy, or thought anything suspicious as i know she had a lot of guy friends even who i am friends with. The guy in January was a semi famous actor in her country who she had followed for a long time (even before me) and at the time i kind of thought - if i had a crush on someone and they messaged me i might have entertained the idea, the fact she didnt go made me think ok she had a wobble, a lapse of judgement - that was my reasoning.

June 21, 2020

20 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

The day after she gives you the "he's just a friend" cover story, which you knew was a lie, you reward her.

She cheats on you, and you apologize to her.

I am guessing that this reflects your overall conduct in the relationship. Pampering her, smothering her with affection, seeking her approval, treating her as higher value than you. This is very needy, weak behavior and it turns women off like a light switch. She lost respect for you, and that's why she fell out of love. That's why she repeatedly insulted your intelligence with her lame cover stories and lies, because you "decided to believe her" like a chump. She knew you weren't going to stand up for yourself or walk away.

Seriously, you catch her sexting some dude that she was planning to go visit by herself, and you take her back? Then send her hand-picked flowers? What was going to be the deal-breaker with this girl?

Live and learn. Once you're over your pain (and you will get over it), you'll see in hindsight that women leave guys who are low-value. Some will do it honestly, and some, like your ex, will do it behind your back. But they will leave.

If you treat your woman like a queen, she will see you as a servant.

And when a woman says "I love you" -- it's a verbal expression of her emotions in that moment. It's not a declaration of her position. It doesn't mean what you want it to mean. It just means she feels good about you in that moment.

I 100% agree with you i put her on a pedestal i treated her like a queen - i gave too much. The flowers was months later a different thing and i genuinely did not know that she was messaging the second guy, or thought anything suspicious as i know she had a lot of guy friends even who i am friends with. The guy in January was a semi famous actor in her country who she had followed for a long time (even before me) and at the time i kind of thought - if i had a crush on someone and they messaged me i might have entertained the idea, the fact she didnt go made me think ok she had a wobble, a lapse of judgement - that was my reasoning.

June 21, 2020

1 minute ago, RSEJ said:

I 100% agree with you i put her on a pedestal i treated her like a queen - i gave too much. The flowers was months later a different thing and i genuinely did not know that she was messaging the second guy, or thought anything suspicious as i know she had a lot of guy friends even who i am friends with. The guy in January was a semi famous actor in her country who she had followed for a long time (even before me) and at the time i kind of thought - if i had a crush on someone and they messaged me i might have entertained the idea, the fact she didnt go made me think ok she had a wobble, a lapse of judgement - that was my reasoning.

Well, as long as you now understand why a woman’s wobble or lapse of judgement means you get rid of her immediately.

No matter how much you love her or how much she begs for a second chance, if you give her a second chance, her respect for you will take a dip. You’ve just demonstrated that your boundaries can be safely violated.

June 21, 2020

5 hours ago, RSEJ said:

Ok im going to keep this as brief as possible

I was with a girl for 1.5 years, im 27 years old - shes also 27

January:
She told me she wanted to visit another country and i said sure lets go, it would be great - but she said she wanted to go by herself. I felt something wasnt right, so i looked through her phone and she was sending dirty messages to another guy in that country. 2 weeks before she had met my parents who came over to visit me.. the cheek.. She found out i looked through her phone and gas lighted me saying "how dare I" and "i chose you thats why i didnt go". Anyway I stupidly decided to give her another chance. From that point i didnt look through her phone again and decided to trust her.

end of May:
She had a house warming party - I thought it was a bit odd that she didnt invite me so i asked and she said "girls only sorry baby" . I thought nothing of it as she hangs out with girls a lot. I also noticed 2 weeks ago that this guy kept liking her instagram pictures - I questioned her and she said she'd known him for ages and he's just a friend. The day after i bought her flowers and took her to a restaturant she told me she loved me - it was all fine.

11th June - I found a picture showing two guys at the house warming party. I decided to question her on this.

Friday - i picked her up and questioned her "why did you lie to me about 2 guys being there you know i wouldnt of minded - it just upset me that you didnt invie me" she replied with "i didnt want to argue, i never lie to my boyfriends - i think i dont love you". She said that the guy was invited by her friend and had nothing to do with her.

I broke down crying, she started crying - it was a mess.I felt confused, but i accepted it. I asked her this.. "is it you met someone else, have you cheated on me? - please tell me - it will make it easier for me to move on".She swore to me she hadnt.

The same night she came crying back to me saying that she regreted it - i told her "you need time to think and so do I" lets meet Sunday.

Sunday, she ended it and said she felt she was out of love. She was so nice to me saying "Im here for you, im sorry - you were such a nice boyfriend"

I spent 4 days eating 1 meal, losing 2.5 kg, smoked 2 packs of ciggarettes - in the absolute the worst state ive ever been - im doing muhc better now.

I used to focus on my business and her - I wouldnt hang out wiht male friends much (partly because of covid 19) but just because she was my best friend. I focused on my purpose (freelance design) and her. On tuesday i sent her a message saying "I blamed myself for this situation - that it was my fault, that she felt suffocated - i should of been more independent without you" she responded saying pretty much dont be she was afraid that she would upset me again, and that we'd argue etc.

So..

Friday, literally last friday I went to the gym and i noticed that there was this guy also there... It was the same guy from the house party. I thought to myself do i go up to him and ask him or do i leave it... I decied to ask. He told me the following:

He was very honest, and he was shocked - she had told him that her bf was the bf before me.

He had no idea about me - he had asked at the houseparty in front of everyone does she have a boyfriend and she replied "no". Just to think... the day after that houseparty i sent her handpicked flowers, took her to a fancy restaurant and she told me she loved me... lol

He had been invited by my girlfriend to the house party

They slept together 2 days after we broke up.

I asked him, if he would not tell her i know (im sure she'll find out soon enough that i know) and he said yeh sure.. something similar had happened to him a year ago.

I wrote a letter basically saying that everyone deserves happiness but not at the cost of others, especially those that have been so good to you. I decided not to give it to her and to just accept and move on.Ive accepeted that it's over, my question is this:

1. Do i have a right to be angry, was this cheating? she lied, betrayed me for about month bfore the end of the relationship - she told me she loved me up until the very last moment...
2. I live in a small place, i know i will run into her again at some point, for sure. I dont know how to act, what to say - do i tell her i know etc. etc.

What ive learnt is that I definitley needed to spend more time with male friends and not her, to create attraction - i know i messed up there. When you get on with someone like a best friend you kind of lose yourself.

If youve read all of this, thank you..seriously

Yeah, she was having an online relationship with that guy before she went to the guy's Country. Sexting, nude pictures, and she was probably heavily emotionally invested in this guy way before she took the plane to go see him.

If a girlfriend sleeping with another man bothers you, sure you should go ahead and terminate all contact with her and you should move on with your life. This woman isn't interested in you anymore. She might say that she wants to remain with you, but that's because she has no idea if the other guy wants a romantic relationship with her or not, and you're a safe bet.

Forget about dating for a while. Hire a personal therapist, talk about what is bothering you, head out to the doctor, explain to him the situation so he can help you regain the lost body weight and to kick you off the smoking habit. Then spend, I dunno, one to two years single and then get back there and meet women again.

About the whole trying to get her to feel sexual attraction for you, or was it emotional attraction?

Either way. Hit the gym.

HARD.

Clear with the doctor that you're healthy enough to lift heavy weights, then get yourself that Chris Hemsworth body build in the first Thor movie, and you won't be caring about this woman much because there will be plenty of women more who will be as physically attractive, if not more, who'll be all over you.

If you're already aesthetic, that is to say muscular and lean, then try and make as much money as possible. It helps. A lot.

Quote

I 100% agree with you i put her on a pedestal i treated her like a queen - i gave too much. The flowers was months later a different thing and i genuinely did not know that she was messaging the second guy, or thought anything suspicious as i know she had a lot of guy friends even who i am friends with. The guy in January was a semi famous actor in her country who she had followed for a long time (even before me) and at the time i kind of thought - if i had a crush on someone and they messaged me i might have entertained the idea, the fact she didnt go made me think ok she had a wobble, a lapse of judgement - that was my reasoning.

Don't put women on a pedestal. I don't care if it's the Princess Madeleine of Sweden, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland you're dating. You put them on a pedestal? It's game over. There's millions upon millions of attractive women out there. Don't dedicate yourself and your entire life on a woman's happiness because chances are, no matter how much effort and work you put into making a relationship work - most of the time it doesn't work out.

Edited June 21, 2020 by Azincourt

June 21, 2020

@RSEJ nothing's ever wasted, you had some good times with her before she messed up. Loads of women would love a kind, thoughtful man. I wouldn't settle for anything less than being treated like a Queen! but I'd enjoy making my man happy too in reciprocation.

If we ever get out of lockdown!

Hope you feel a bit better today?

June 21, 2020

1 hour ago, RSEJ said:

the fact she didnt go made me think ok she had a wobble, a lapse of judgement - that was my reasoning.

This^^^ should never have happened.....you make yourself out to be a doormat, opening the door for her to do more things behind your back. This should have been it, a boot out the door. Sending dirty messages isn't a "wobble". It's cheating and she was stepping out on you. She gaslighted you about going through her phone is diverting blame and you took it. She only thinks of herself, while you kissed the ground she walked on. You did the right thing to get rid of her.

I agree with the other poster to stop putting women up on a pedestal, truly women don't like it. She was the player type, a predator, and she saw opportunity in you. She had you marked. She knew you would forgive her, and keep giving her more chances.

You only treat a lady extra nice when it is earned, reciprocated. If you feel their interest slipping don't try to win them over more with gifts,etc. That starts the ball rolling to be taken for granted.

June 21, 2020

yes, yes, only treat someone like royalty when they treat you like that in return. If someone treats you like dirt, you're just wasting your time and you are giving her power over you. No one can love someone they don't respect.

June 21, 2020

Well, that was a wake-up call. Of course you have the right to be angry. But please realize that in some ways it's good you found out sooner rather than later what she's really about. Now you don't have to sit around being heartbroken because you lost this great girl, because she's not a great girl. She's a liar who isn't very lovable at all! And you let the new guy know, so maybe he bangs her for awhile, but he's not going to take her seriously now, so win-win. Honestly, you can walk away with no excuses, no apologies, no regrets with your head held high, so don't look back.

June 21, 2020

Of course you have a right to be angry, you have a right to feel however you feel. She lied to you many times throughout the relationship. It sounds like she was either cheating or thinking about cheating many times. As others have said, you should have broken up with her earlier and not put up with this.

If you run into her, just don't talk to her.

June 21, 2020

She cheated. Don’t acknowledge her

June 22, 2020

The most important piece of data was the fact that she DID CHEAT.

A woman would never cheat on her guy UNLESS she has lost attraction AND respect for him.

The fundamental principle is that, if (and when) your woman cheats on you, you must dump her right then and there. No arguments. No talking back and forth. NOTHING. You just dump her, learn from the lesson, and move on.

You do ANYTHING ELSE OTHER THAN THAT, and you're doomed.

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Ive accepted it's over, but I have 2 questions - I would really appreciate your thoughts

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