Fox Sake Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 2 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I’ve wrote closure letters before and it always ended up being the best thing in my life. I felt like I’ve finally could forgive myself and a person completely. There was no resentment left, nothing. After that I never thought about this person again. My perception of letting go completely is forgiveness and peace but everyone is different. You answered your thread question yourself! So if it makes YOU feel better knowing you sent it then do it. Personally I say write it and then burn it. Because I’ve done that twice in past and sent them, it’s the MOST EMBARRASSING thing I remember doing. But as you say, it’s purely for closure so if that’s the case then why are you even worried? Send it and forget it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. 3
deepthinking Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Keep your dignity. No contact. Make plans to move on. 1
Fresh_Start Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: Things ended abruptly and nasty, there was lots of miscommunication at the end. There’s no love left anymore, he moved on already but there’s still part in my heart that feels disturbed and restless. Do you think writing a short letter would be a nice idea to leave a person on good terms and memories? If things ended in an abrupt and nasty fashion then it's already too late to leave him on "good terms and memories". That ship has sailed. If he's already moved on then you probably won't get a response, which will only exacerbate the disturbed and restless feelings you have in your heart. That doesn't benefit you. It's also possible that you get a nasty or dismissive response, which also doesn't benefit you. Even in the unlikely event that you get the kind of response you're hoping for, it won't bring you closure. I've had to learn the hard way that the only true closure you will ever get comes from within you, when you've reached the point of such total acceptance that you no longer feel the need nor have the desire to write a letter or reach out in any capacity whatsoever. Let it be and move on as he has done. That's your closure. Edited June 21, 2020 by Fresh_Start 1
ShyViolet Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 OP, you sound like your mind is made up that you want to send it, regardless of what advice anyone on here is giving. So fine, go ahead and do it if that's what you really want to do. I'm not sure why you asked the question then...... 1
lana-banana Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 If you are this strongly connected to the idea, if you are this certain that it can't end badly, then you are absolutely not in any shape to send this letter. You're not indifferent about this, at all. Sure, it may feel good, but as soon as you send it you lose control over the situation. You have no idea what he'll do, who he'll show it to, how he'll explain it to his buddies/new girlfriend/etc...whatever relief you feel after you send it will soon become anxiety. You won't know what he does, what he doesn't do, what will happen to it, and you'll have no power over the situation. Write as many drafts as you like. But for your own sanity, do not send it. 2
Realitysux Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 2 hours ago, deepthinking said: Keep your dignity. No contact. Make plans to move on. No one can take your dignity ..
Caauug Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 8 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: His birthday is coming soon It's his special day and you are going to crash it with a letter about you? 8 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I thought it might be a good idea to send a nice message and forever finish the chapter. You state he has moved on, his chapter is done. Be a good friend to him and leave him be. When my ex and I broke up, I kept the house. I had to take a loan out to pay the agreed amount for her share, I could not refinance the house to get her name off the mortgage. About 8 years later I managed to pay off the mortgage years early so I thought it would be a "Good Idea to send a nice message" as this was our last tie together "and forever finish the chapter". I kindly stated that mortgage was paid and her name was now clear, I kept all emotions out of it and kept to the point. Her return email blamed me for everything and tore stirps off me everywhere..... (She was the one cheating and refused to give up BF's + work on the marriage) Nowhere in the email was a "Thanks" for paying it off years early or for even letting her know.... My lesson learned: Not everyone will accept a kind act the same way as it was intended when given. Better to leave the sleeping dog lie than to poke it with a stick!!! 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 7 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I think you’re reading into this too much. Nobody is rubbing any salt into the wound. It didn’t end in disaster it just ended on miscommunication I suppose that’s why I call it nasty but nobody cheated or abused one other. If you are scared to show that you cared about that person once and just want to forget them and think of them as a monster for the rest of your life you’ll never be able to move on it just shows that you are still bothered. Then - why did you open this thread? 2 1
manfrombelow Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 10 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: His birthday is coming soon, I thought it might be a good idea to send a nice message and forever finish the chapter. NO. I have witnessed this kind of mindset countless times and I myself have been in a similar situation. "Closure letter/text/call" is an ILLUSION. If you guys have already been broken up, there's no need to care about his upcoming birthday. Leave him alone by not trying to initiate any kind of contact whatsoever to him. 3
Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 OP, I would say that if this makes you feel better and does give you peace of mind and closure, then why not write him a letter telling him your thoughts.
kevinmoore6389 Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 I wrote a letter to my ex and intended to give it to her the last time we planned to see each other. My goal was for it to be part apology and part wishing her the best but part way in the gloves came off and I "spoke" my mind. Getting it out was so therapeutic, especially since she cheated on me and once it was over instead of being a jerk I swallowed my feelings a bit and we ended everything very amicably. But it still left me with all of those feelings inside me. Writing the letter and getting it all out was amazing. I ended up not even giving it to her though. I ended up adding to it as I became frustrated a little bit, but that didn't last long and I filed it away in my document archive in my computer. Even just getting it out may be therapeutic. We had quite a bit of closure at the end of counseling so it wasn't as necessary for me to send it. But it can definitely provide closure. 1
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 Someone on here wrote a long well crafted email, pages worth of "closure". Took them a long time to get it just right. Reply received. "K" They never heard from him again Write it, get it all out but don't bother sending it. It is too late. You may find your "sincere" letter will give everyone a good laugh at his birthday party... 2
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 15 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I think you’re reading into this too much. Nobody is rubbing any salt into the wound. It didn’t end in disaster it just ended on miscommunication I suppose that’s why I call it nasty but nobody cheated or abused one other. If you are scared to show that you cared about that person once and just want to forget them and think of them as a monster for the rest of your life you’ll never be able to move on it just shows that you are still bothered. I'm not scared to show how much I care about someone I'm IN a relationship with. Before breaking up I make genuine efforts to fix problems, heal wounds & reconcile. If that doesn't work, I know by the time the break up happens, I gave it my all. No closure letter needed. The efforts were made at a time when they could still do some good -- before the relationship was over. As for rubbing salt in the wounds, you can't know what's in somebody else's head / heart. When I have received these letters they have been cringe worthy lengthy stream of consciousness babble. I don't want them & by the time we're broken up there was nothing left to say. If your EX was hurt by the break up reminding that person of the pain on their birthday is cruel & selfish. But since you seem hellbent on writing this letter, who am I to stop you? 3
FMW Posted June 21, 2020 Posted June 21, 2020 If you've written similar letters in the past and you feel they all worked out well, why are you asking? Do what you feel you need to do. 17 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: there’s still part in my heart that feels disturbed and restless. Since starting a thread usually means you're seeking input (and not just that which supports your view), here's mine. My experience is that closure is something that can only come from inside, you can't give it to or get it from anyone else. You have to do that "work" yourself. Figure out why you're feeling disturbed and restless and come to terms with it. If you are indeed very spiritual then it's something for which you should be well equipped. 3
kendahke Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 On 6/20/2020 at 4:09 PM, CarolineJolly18 said: His birthday is coming soon, I thought it might be a good idea to send a nice message and forever finish the chapter. Things ended abruptly and nasty, there was lots of miscommunication at the end. I didn’t understand he had struggles, neither did he understood mine. I wouldn’t blame or shame anyone in the letter or beg them for forgiveness or come back. There’s no love left anymore, he moved on already but there’s still part in my heart that feels disturbed and restless. Do you think writing a short letter would be a nice idea to leave a person on good terms and memories? No. It won't be received the way you intend it. Write it for yourself then burn it.
kendahke Posted June 22, 2020 Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) On 6/20/2020 at 4:17 PM, CarolineJolly18 said: they might reply with simple thank you and that’s all I would need. They may read it and not reply; they may throw it away/delete it without ever reading it... and you'll be waiting around, investing energy, on the reply instead of moving on with your life. This will never be over for you if you do that. Just don't do it. But since you are going to send it, don't expect for it to be received the way you've been conjuring up in your imagination because I can guarantee--what your fantasy says about how this will go will not be how it goes. His new girlfriend will get ahold of it and make life hell for him and he's going to remember why it was a good idea to leave you where he left you. I agree with Caauug: you're sending a letter all about you to him on his birthday? Send it 3 months after his birthday if it's that important. If you've waited this long, you can wait a little longer to send it. Edited June 22, 2020 by kendahke
IHaveAnswers Posted June 23, 2020 Posted June 23, 2020 GIRLLLLLLLLLL you betta put your pen DOWN and forget about this. You really want his attention, don't you? Sending him a letter about a relationship that he left in the dust, talking about happy birthday? What makes you think he cares what you think? What makes you believe he wouldn't send you back the nastiest, most evil hearted letter ever telling you to stay out of his life like you have been and to leave him alone? What if he says he hates you, that is why you broke up, and he doesn't care to ever hear from you again? What if he says his new girlfriend is the violent type and will come looking for you? All of this would be the result of you doing something you have no business doing with a guy YOU BROKE UP WITH A LONG TIME AGO. You admit he has moved on which means he has closure. You would have some too if you decided it was a wrap. One thing I hate is people from my past crawling out of the woodwork trying to talk to me about anything. Stay in the past where you belong. I have nothing to say to you. I don't want to hear from you. I don't care what you think, want, like, need - nothing! You are dead to me. If dude is anything like me, it would be a very bad move on your part and you would have to take the heat that would be coming your way. Or you would be ignored completely and never even knew if he got the letter. Either way the odds of you getting what you want from this situation are slim to none. Leave it alone. Move on. 2
Recommended Posts