CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 His birthday is coming soon, I thought it might be a good idea to send a nice message and forever finish the chapter. Things ended abruptly and nasty, there was lots of miscommunication at the end. I didn’t understand he had struggles, neither did he understood mine. I wouldn’t blame or shame anyone in the letter or beg them for forgiveness or come back. There’s no love left anymore, he moved on already but there’s still part in my heart that feels disturbed and restless. Do you think writing a short letter would be a nice idea to leave a person on good terms and memories?
Atwood Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Whilst your intentions behind it seem really nice, I would advise against it personally. You're currently not in contact for a good reason, and I don't think the letter would bring the closure you crave. It will likely create more problems and questions than it solves, and bring up painful emotions for you both. 2
Mrin Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Write it. But don't send it. Write it for you. Believe me, it is cathartic. But please, for your own sanity, do not send it. 6 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Atwood said: Whilst your intentions behind it seem really nice, I would advise against it personally. You're currently not in contact for a good reason, and I don't think the letter would bring the closure you crave. It will likely create more problems and questions than it solves, and bring up painful emotions for you both. There are no harsh feelings against this person anymore, they might reply with simple thank you and that’s all I would need. I do that out of respect to people and it always made me feel better and made my life easier so idk
Atwood Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Just now, CarolineJolly18 said: There are no harsh feelings against this person anymore, they might reply with simple thank you and that’s all I would need. I do that out of respect to people and it always made me feel better and made my life easier so idk You could be right, and you should always make your own choices and decide what's right for yourself. The reason why I would not personally do it is because of the "might". You say they might reply with a simple thank you. If that happens and you get your closure, great, but what if you get another reply? What if they don't take too kindly to the letter and react in a way you weren't predicting? The person they're involved with now might not take kindly either, and influence how they react to the situation. I wouldn't personally risk it. But if you feel confident that you could deal with a variety of outcomes, even if some of them are quite nasty (as you say you ended things on pretty nasty terms), then it really is down to you to take that risk. You say that sending these letters make you feel better and make your life easier. Be mindful about whether or not it's doing that for the people who receive them. 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Atwood said: You could be right, and you should always make your own choices and decide what's right for yourself. The reason why I would not personally do it is because of the "might". You say they might reply with a simple thank you. If that happens and you get your closure, great, but what if you get another reply? What if they don't take too kindly to the letter and react in a way you weren't predicting? The person they're involved with now might not take kindly either, and influence how they react to the situation. I wouldn't personally risk it. But if you feel confident that you could deal with a variety of outcomes, even if some of them are quite nasty (as you say you ended things on pretty nasty terms), then it really is down to you to take that risk. You say that sending these letters make you feel better and make your life easier. Be mindful about whether or not it's doing that for the people who receive them. I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know if they are in relationship, nothing has ever been updated they keep their lives secret but of course they moved on. Again, I wouldn’t tell anything about break up or my feelings in that letter, I just wanted to wish them good luck because as I said that one feeling in my heart like bacteria is still there and I just want to flush it out. But I will think about it since you pointed out. Thank you
preraph Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 These closure letters don't work out well and just open the can of pain again. What kind of closure in it is there if they just don't care or decide you've come begging and maybe they can come back on their own terms after all? You can't fix him with a forgiveness letter, and it won't fix you. You need to learn when to decamp and leave it behind you. 2
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 1 minute ago, preraph said: These closure letters don't work out well and just open the can of pain again. What kind of closure in it is there if they just don't care or decide you've come begging and maybe they can come back on their own terms after all? You can't fix him with a forgiveness letter, and it won't fix you. You need to learn when to decamp and leave it behind you. I think people here misunderstood me. Relationship has ended and it’s doomed forever and we both accepted that. I won’t beg for forgiveness or come back as I said. People write letters to feel better and let go of any bitterness or anger that was left. I hate having any residue of it that’s why I thought writing a letter is a nice way to show fellow human being that life is okay and things happen. But I’ll leave it there
preraph Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 What if it just gets him stirred up again? What if that is painful for him? What if he's just started dating a new woman and your letter throws him for a loop and just interrupts that? I'm just saying what is the point? What if he was just about to get past it all and this just tears the scab off again? Or what if it just makes him really mad? Maybe you'll think of a "what if" that would end up better, but we've seen this so many times on here that most people will just advise against it. Usually it's the writer who gets more hurt. Sorry. I do hope you can let go and be happy soon. 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: What if it just gets him stirred up again? What if that is painful for him? What if he's just started dating a new woman and your letter throws him for a loop and just interrupts that? I'm just saying what is the point? What if he was just about to get past it all and this just tears the scab off again? Or what if it just makes him really mad? Maybe you'll think of a "what if" that would end up better, but we've seen this so many times on here that most people will just advise against it. Usually it's the writer who gets more hurt. Sorry. I do hope you can let go and be happy soon. How any of us could get hurt by the last message? He wouldn’t feel hurt or disturbed by it I know neither would I, I only thought it was just a nice gesture but you guys think differently. I probably won’t send it then since I was given such a warning over a simple thing like this 1
Ellener Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 1 hour ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I think people here misunderstood me. Relationship has ended and it’s doomed forever and we both accepted that. I won’t beg for forgiveness or come back as I said. People write letters to feel better and let go of any bitterness or anger that was left. I hate having any residue of it that’s why I thought writing a letter is a nice way to show fellow human being that life is okay and things happen. But I’ll leave it there I reached out to my ex husband numerous times over the years, it just made me crazy and he lost touch with our son anyway. Maybe he had to hate me so he could move on with his life? is how I see it with hindsight. If I'd thought of it like that I would have kept my distance. And his new wife, she gave him the ultimatum me or her from the start! I hope he's happy now, but I wouldn't put it in a letter. Good luck whatever you decide.
ShyViolet Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 I don't see the point of writing him a letter after you've already broken up. A lot of people get so caught up on this concept of "closure". It's kind of a myth. There's no special thing you could do that would tie all of this up into a neat little package and make everyone feel better. If anything it would probably just dig up old feelings or open up the wound a little bit. The only way to heal from a breakup is to just leave it in the past and move on. Just leave it alone. 3 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I don't see the point of writing him a letter after you've already broken up. A lot of people get so caught up on this concept of "closure". It's kind of a myth. There's no special thing you could do that would tie all of this up into a neat little package and make everyone feel better. If anything it would probably just dig up old feelings or open up the wound a little bit. The only way to heal from a breakup is to just leave it in the past and move on. Just leave it alone. I’ve wrote closure letters before and it always ended up being the best thing in my life. I felt like I’ve finally could forgive myself and a person completely. There was no resentment left, nothing. After that I never thought about this person again. My perception of letting go completely is forgiveness and peace but everyone is different.
Stevnx3 Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 50 minutes ago, Atwood said: Whilst your intentions behind it seem really nice, I would advise against it personally. You're currently not in contact for a good reason, and I don't think the letter would bring the closure you crave. It will likely create more problems and questions than it solves, and bring up painful emotions for you both. Atwood/Beerus is spot on with this. If you both ended it ( and it didn't sound pleasant ) what do you hope to gain from this? He has moved on. I see that within your heart you are still, even if slightly, within the moment and how it happened. You would greatly benefit from moving on, and forgetting any letter or him. Other posters are spot on with it. 3
homecoming Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 16 minutes ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I’ve wrote closure letters before and it always ended up being the best thing in my life. I felt like I’ve finally could forgive myself and a person completely. There was no resentment left, nothing. After that I never thought about this person again. My perception of letting go completely is forgiveness and peace but everyone is different. What is it about the sending of letters that you think might have made you forgive yourself? Have the other people often responded? 2
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, homecoming said: What is it about the sending of letters that you think might have made you forgive yourself? Have the other people often responded? I usually get a thank you response and they wish me the same and that’s how both of us can move on with lives without anger or residue of feelings. I’m quite spiritual when it comes to love and I don’t understand when people ask what I’m trying to gain from it, my answer is nothing. I don’t want anything, I just want people to be a part of my history where I can learn but it doesn’t have to be just negative no matter how things ended. People don’t get upset when you send them closure, I think they feel relieved at least a little bit. 1
Stevnx3 Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, CarolineJolly18 said: I usually get a thank you response and they wish me the same and that’s how both of us can move on with lives without anger or residue of feelings. I’m quite spiritual when it comes to love and I don’t understand when people ask what I’m trying to gain from it, my answer is nothing. I don’t want anything, I just want people to be a part of my history where I can learn but it doesn’t have to be just negative no matter how things ended. People don’t get upset when you send them closure, I think they feel relieved at least a little bit. Well, you did want our opinion on whether it was a good idea or not. I am of the opinion that it is neither here nor there; to not being a good idea if it ended very poorly. It is good that your other exes liked and reciprocated. Will he? Who knows? Maybe it is not so much good memories he will be left with. It does sound to me that you have your heart pretty much made up. So go for it. Especially if it gives you peace of heart. Ultimately that is what matters vs the opinions of strangers. I respect that you wish to and strive to bring a peaceful resolution.
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: . Do you think writing a short letter would be a nice idea to leave a person on good terms and memories? It's your EX's birthday. Writing this letter would be about you not him. Even if you intention is to heal, at this juncture all you would do is rub salt in a wound. If it ended acrimoniously before you can't fix it now. Hearing from you on his birthday would not make him feel better, It would probably upset him because from his perspective you would be making his birthday about you. You seem to think that people who get these letters feel relived. My experience is that it just annoys them. People who are truly done with EXs just want them gone. If you have stuff you need to get out, go ahead & write until your fingers fall off. Purge. Get it all out. Do your spiritual thing. But then do not send it. Just don't. It will not be well received. Instead what I recommend is finding a safe place, lighting it on fire & watching the smoke drift away. Hopefully that smoke takes all the bad vibes that still poisoning you with it. Edited June 20, 2020 by d0nnivain 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 2 hours ago, CarolineJolly18 said: they might reply with simple thank you and that’s all I would need. But what if that’s not what you get? What if you get a negative response, or no response at all?
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's your EX's birthday. Writing this letter would be about you not him. Even if you intention is to heal, at this juncture all you would do is rub salt in a wound. If it ended acrimoniously before you can't fix it now. Hearing from you on his birthday would not make him feel better, It would probably upset him because from his perspective you would be making his birthday about you. You seem to think that people who get these letters feel relived. My experience is that it just annoys them. People who are truly done with EXs just want them gone. If you have stuff you need to get out, go ahead & write until your fingers fall off. Purge. Get it all out. Do your spiritual thing. But then do not send it. Just don't. It will not be well received. Instead what I recommend is finding a safe place, lighting it on fire & watching the smoke drift away. Hopefully that smoke takes all the bad vibes that still poisoning you with it. I think you’re reading into this too much. Nobody is rubbing any salt into the wound. It didn’t end in disaster it just ended on miscommunication I suppose that’s why I call it nasty but nobody cheated or abused one other. If you are scared to show that you cared about that person once and just want to forget them and think of them as a monster for the rest of your life you’ll never be able to move on it just shows that you are still bothered.
The Outlaw Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Write it but don't send it. That's what I did a few years ago. It wasn't full on closure but it was enough for me. 1
preraph Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 You are clearly still bothered or you wouldn't even be thinking about this. and if you send that he will know you're still bothered and will probably feel a little smug thinking that you secretly want him back or else why would you have written. 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: You are clearly still bothered or you wouldn't even be thinking about this. and if you send that he will know you're still bothered and will probably feel a little smug thinking that you secretly want him back or else why would you have written. You are clearly still bothered by this topic since you’re commenting twice now. If you think this way then good but I don’t. You think people care that much about some letter that it would “open their wounds”? Lol
Stevnx3 Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, CarolineJolly18 said: You are clearly still bothered by this topic since you’re commenting twice now. If you think this way then good but I don’t. You think people care that much about some letter that it would “open their wounds”? Lol Lmao! You'd be surprised.... I say write it and send it. what do you think Caroline. Btw. Are you really Jolly and full of joy to the world? 1
Author CarolineJolly18 Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Lmao! You'd be surprised.... I say write it and send it. what do you think Caroline. Btw. Are you really Jolly and full of joy to the world? It doesn’t matter. Thank you for all your responses 1
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