JS17 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I'm posting for someone else here, someone I know very well and don't know what advice to give her. She moved in with her boyfriend about 4 months ago, they have known each other for years but have been dating for a little over 1 year. He is far and away the more emotional one in the relationship but she definitely needs lots of support from him. She says she tried talking to him about it but it comes across as "girlfriendy" and he gets annoyed. She says she understands getting annoyed by it cause its not like its something she wants to talk about anyway but its still her feelings. She's not so much an insecure as a person as she is with his feelings about her. He's not very good at compliments, so she brings that up and he says, that when she brings it up it makes him not want to compliment her (yikes). Then it comes up again later cause it bothers her and its just a vicious cycle. She said its not that he doesnt make her feel loved which is why she thinks he has a problem with the needyness of compliments. She just kind of feels like when he thinks she looks pretty, tell her, if he thinks her eyes are pretty tell her. She would like specific compliments that are really genuine. Is she being needy or irrational? I've never known her to be like this with a boyfriend. What really jumped at me was him saying that when she brings it up it makes him not want to compliment her. I always thought of him as an overly emotional and needy person himself but all around a nice guy. This just really struck me.
Author JS17 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 Well I thought since some of you were complaining of boredom today you might want to give me a little advice on this one.
AndrewJ Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Your freind is fishing for compliments form her boyfreind? And does he feel uneasy because he feels she is just fishing for them? I cant make sense of what u have written Js.
Author JS17 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 I cant make sense of what u have written Js. Maybe that's why nobody responded:lmao: Can I plead that I only slept for 4 hours that night and couldn't write straight. I think the bottom line is that he doesn't compliment her enough and takes her for granted. The have a great open relationship otherwise. When she brings the subject up he makes her feel as if she's being too needy. Again, what really jumped at me was him saying that when she brings it up it makes him not want to compliment her. After writing this she told me that if it really got to be an issue she felt she could sit him down and talk to him about it.
Jayhawks Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 It sounds like she is insecure in her relationship with him. She wants his reassurance that he likes her and he gets a little testy because she needs his approval. I think she is coming across as needy to him and that is not attractive. She needs to accept that he is there or if he is not giving her what she needs then she should look elsewhere. Peace.
Author JS17 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 You know, she says she is secure in the relationship. Maybe there's something she's not telling me. It's always kind of been that she would be the one that leaves, if anyone. It sounds like a simple one but it's throwing me for a loop. Maybe I'm just too close to the situation.
AndrewJ Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 [quote=JS17. I think the bottom line is that he doesn't compliment her enough and takes her for granted. The have a great open relationship otherwise. ............. Js you say she is secure but it is an open relationship? Must be me having scatterbrain today ? I wouldnt think one would be overlyconcerned with wanting exceessive compliments in an open relationship. But what do i know Im stillconfused.
Author JS17 Posted October 12, 2005 Author Posted October 12, 2005 But what do i know Im still confused. I live in that state It's not my situation so I don't think I can express (or understand from her) what's really going on. Thanks for trying!
Angelina1433 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Here's my theory: When you tell someone, especially your significant other, that you need something from them and then they consequently give it to you, they feel like it's forced, and so does the receiver. Therein lies the vicious cycle. I think that since he knows what she needs, the compliments should be given at times when they are "natural". For example, when they hug or kiss, he could say, "you smell really nice" (provided she does!). Make sense? I don't know if she's necessarily needy or insecure - because all women love compliments from their SO's once in awhile. It's all about the romance bottom line. And he's not an ahole for not giving her compliments - he's just probably not used to it. Maybe she can fish for compliments instead. She could say, "I got my haircut today." Which would in turn provide the response, "I noticed, it looks great." Or something like that. Who knows?!
Author JS17 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 I think you actually get what I'm trying to not so eloquently ask.Here's my theory: When you tell someone, especially your significant other, that you need something from them and then they consequently give it to you, they feel like it's forced, and so does the receiver. Therein lies the vicious cycle. Yes, that is true however the attitude of you asked for it so i'm not going to give it to you sounds very immature to me. He is a really wonderful guy but they are thinking long term and I don't want to see him start to withold other things in the future the same way. I think that since he knows what she needs, the compliments should be given at times when they are "natural". For example, when they hug or kiss, he could say, "you smell really nice" (provided she does!). Make sense? I don't think she asks for compliments often. I think that what he's missing are these "natural" compliments. I don't know if she's necessarily needy or insecure - because all women love compliments from their SO's once in awhile. It's all about the romance bottom line. And he's not an ahole for not giving her compliments - he's just probably not used to it. Maybe she can fish for compliments instead. She could say, "I got my haircut today." Which would in turn provide the response, "I noticed, it looks great." Or something like that. Who knows?! I don't think she is an overly needy or insecure person but asking for the compliments is a "needy" act and that is what makes her uncomfortable. Maybe I will tell her to start fishing for them but I would like for her to just sit down to discuss this with him if it really is an issue and see how he handles it. She needs to be with someone she can talk to. I think I'm probably more upset about this than her and I'm overreacting. Overprotective
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I cant make sense of what u have written Js. That's a good honest answer.
Angelina1433 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Oops, I was under the impression that they had already talked about it. Since they haven't, then they definately should! And you're not being overprotective, she's your friend and that's what friends do - care. He may be completely surprised when she brings it up. Hopefully it will all work out.
Author JS17 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Oops, I was under the impression that they had already talked about it. Since they haven't, then they definately should! And you're not being overprotective, she's your friend and that's what friends do - care. He may be completely surprised when she brings it up. Hopefully it will all work out. Ok, nobody needs to reply to this because I'm doing a REALLY bad job of explaining the situation but she has mentioned it, they haven't had a real talk about it though. Thanks all for trying, I don't know what's wrong with me!
AndrewJ Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks all for trying, I don't know what's wrong with me! " Theres nothing wrong with you , you rock js17;) I saw u were fishing for a compliment so i gave u one:lmao:
Jayhawks Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks all for trying, I don't know what's wrong with me! " Theres nothing wrong with you , you rock js17;) I saw u were fishing for a compliment so i gave u one:lmao: :lmao:
tanbark813 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Yes, that is true however the attitude of you asked for it so i'm not going to give it to you sounds very immature to me. Well it might be in the sense that he doesn't mind complimenting her but he's not going to do it right then and there. I mean, if someone says "You need to compliment me more" and then you respond with "You look beautiful" it sounds insincere. It would mean more if he did it of his own accord. So if he means it in that context then I don't think it's immature at all. Maybe she needs to back up off his nuts and give him a chance to pull through. By the way, JS17, you smell absolutely lovely today.
Author JS17 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 So if he means it in that context then I don't think it's immature at all. Maybe she needs to back up off his nuts and give him a chance to pull through. I'm not sure he does mean it in that context. She's a really independent person and generally he's way needier and clingier than she is so I don't really know what to make of it. By the way, JS17, you smell absolutely lovely today. Theres nothing wrong with you , you rock js17 I saw u were fishing for a compliment so i gave u one Why thank you fellas, so nice of you to say
AndrewJ Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 "Why thank you fellas, so nice of you to say " Any time Js17.....By the way ur lookin damn good today:D
Author JS17 Posted October 14, 2005 Author Posted October 14, 2005 Any time Js17.....By the way ur lookin damn good today:D Oh why thanks AndrewJ. I'm headed out to slay vampires after I leave my desk job today. You look pretty good yourself. I just love dogs with a 2 pack a day habit.
AndrewJ Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Remember the holy water! seems i drank too much of it .eeeeeeekk
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