Miss Spider Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 14 minutes ago, preraph said: She's 20 years older than him so it's doubtful he's all that interested in her. It still seems excessive to have a co-worker over to spend the night. She sounds needy, and just what little experience I've had with needy women as friends, I do think they tend to get into inappropriate situations more than non needy ones. Completely agree 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: No don't start playing dirty. Stay out of her work situation or you're in love with someone who's dependent on you for a place to live. If she's that needy I would cut her loose. She's always going to bring problems on to herself. It's certainly not the guy's fault. You are spot on preraph. But usually it takes two to tango so for me, he is as much to blame. He could have said no. 1
preraph Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 If he has no interest in her, then he's really not to blame. Plus did it ever occur to you that he may not know she has a boyfriend? He probably doesn't care because she's so much older. I certainly had a lot of male friends places I've worked. They were just friends, but I did not invite them over for the night. I often had two or three guys come home with me for lunch because I live nearby and would make them a sandwich. 1
Miss Spider Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) I agree but if he come over to her place to stay the night is a bit weird unless he thinks he might be getting some milf hunters action. Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, preraph said: If he has no interest in her, then he's really not to blame. Plus did it ever occur to you that he may not know she has a boyfriend? He probably doesn't care because she's so much older. I certainly had a lot of male friends places I've worked. They were just friends, but I did not invite them over for the night. I often had two or three guys come home with me for lunch because I live nearby and would make them a sandwich. As far as I know he does know that she has a boyfriend and that renders her unavailable. I know you can have guy friends and be platonic, but she's just rubbing this in my face. 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I agree but if he come over to her place to stay the night it’s a bit weird unless he thinks he might be getting some milf hunters action. Surely he wouldn't be that stupid to try. If I was there he'd be in hospital by now. Edited June 19, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 13 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: If I was there he'd be in hospital by now. Not worth it. SHE invited him over and SHE suggested he stay the night, SHE is the one who has betrayed your trust. He is just a pawn in the game. 6
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Not worth it. SHE invited him over and SHE suggested he stay the night, SHE is the one who has betrayed your trust. He is just a pawn in the game. In an ideal world he would be a hospital patient but I'm not like that really, he or she isn't worth it. I now beginning to see that he has basically been used by her for her own gratification, worrying behaviour as his boss. Edited June 19, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist
preraph Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 23 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: As far as I know he does know that she has a boyfriend and that renders her unavailable. I know you can have guy friends and be platonic, but she's just rubbing this in my face. Surely he wouldn't be that stupid to try. If I was there he'd be in hospital by now. She certainly is not worth fighting for! 1
SumGuy Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 11 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I now beginning to see that he has basically been used by her for her own gratification, worrying behaviour as his boss. Seriously, she sounds dangerous in that he might have been reluctant to say no, and enticed to say yes. Women bosses do sexually harass male underlings, even if it is not as common as the reverse. From what you've said I doubt he has the full picture of any of it. Who knows how things will go for him when he wants to end it. I'd suggest if she loves attention the best way to break up is to just go silent, don't discuss. At some point pick up her call and let her know you have considered how things have have been recently and realized you are really not compatible. Full stop. Don;t engage in any further discussion. Wish her well and if she goes off on you hang up. There really is nothing to say. If at 49 if she doesn't get it that is a really bad sign. My suspicion is she is doing this on purpose to get you to break up with her. If she really wanted to cheat and keep you , she would have kept it secret. Complete and utter mind games on her part I believe. 1
some_username1 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 This is like being banged to rights guilty, staring life imprisonment in the face and yet inexplicably getting off on a technicality. You don’t realise it now, but in a few weeks you will. She’s a 49 year old attention whore cougar OP, you should be delighted that she has given you back your freedom. Now get out there and find some young prime rib while time is still on your side. And whatever you do block her number in every way possible (and disinfect your phone afterwards, maybe call in a priest just to be sure!) because my reading of it is that she is going to think that her magical vagina is going to put this guy in a sleeper hold from which he will never wake up....but us guys know it doesn’t work like that. When she realises that he doesn’t want her 49 year old ass for anything more than a bunk-up on the down-low she will be blowing up your phone begging for a second chance (so cliché). Don’t fall for it OP! 2
some_username1 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 26 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Seriously, she sounds dangerous in that he might have been reluctant to say no, and enticed to say yes. Women bosses do sexually harass male underlings, even if it is not as common as the reverse. From what you've said I doubt he has the full picture of any of it. Who knows how things will go for him when he wants to end it. I'd suggest if she loves attention the best way to break up is to just go silent, don't discuss. At some point pick up her call and let her know you have considered how things have have been recently and realized you are really not compatible. Full stop. Don;t engage in any further discussion. Wish her well and if she goes off on you hang up. There really is nothing to say. If at 49 if she doesn't get it that is a really bad sign. My suspicion is she is doing this on purpose to get you to break up with her. If she really wanted to cheat and keep you , she would have kept it secret. Complete and utter mind games on her part I believe. I’m not so sure, it’s fairly common practice in all my years of reading loveshack and other relationship forums where women *generally* tend to operate in the light. I believe it’s the emotional aspect- women can’t contain themselves and they have to talk about the new object of their interest, to the point where they become oblivious to how obvious they are being. There is obviously also deep rationalisation at work too, anyone with “their head still in the game” would realise that trying to get your boyfriend to accept a sleepover is a tough sell but she probably has it all compartmentalised via the neo-cortex as a friendly slumber party when her lizard brain is already imagining how hot the sex is going to be. Her reaction will tell us which of us is right, if OP speaks to her again I bet she plays the indignant “who? Me?!” card rather than give OP further reason to dump her ass. I do agree that radio silence is perhaps the best way forward- even acknowledging her presence on this planet at this point gives her more validation than she deserves. 3
contel3 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 oh man the ignoring your calls thing is just sooo dirty. I wouldn't even bother at this point and just ghost her. Honestly she deserves it. You're 300miles away, just block her everywhere and disappear….little surprise for tomorrow morning. 2
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Thanks everyone for your valued input, I appreciate each and every one of your replies. Tomorrow should be interesting conversation. 1
some_username1 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 1 minute ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: Thanks everyone for your valued input, I appreciate each and every one of your replies. Tomorrow should be interesting conversation. Maybe I’m being too forensic but I’m not sure this is even a conversation you need to be having. Dealing purely in the realm of logic and reason it’s fairly clear that for anyone with even a healthy self esteem that the act of inviting a single man to stay the night is a deal breaker never mind anything else. Given that this is almost certainly to have happened (she could be winding you up but that has to be viewed as an outside chance at best) you know as much as you can at this point to decide she’s history. A conversation with her in the morning will result in either confirmation or denial that they had sex- but what use are either of those things when she has already transgressed the deal breaker? There is a certain “ignorance is bliss” opportunity here OP. You can go radio silent and go on with your life wondering what happened. What happened is rather immaterial at this stage though so it’s perhaps better not to know and not have it out with her and risk her trying to put you in the pussy sleeperhold too. Look forward not back. Get your closure by living well. This situation seems done. 2 1
Atwood Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 ^ whilst I agree on not digging for the details and causing needless self-torturous images of the affair, I would argue there still needs to be a conversation. They haven’t broken up yet, and ghosting her is only going to cause drama and elongate the situation. OP should probably call to break up official and then request NC so she has no reason to continue contacting. If he ghosts, she’ll have ammunition to seek communication and paint him out to be cruel and heartless in the process.
gaius Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 1 hour ago, contel3 said: oh man the ignoring your calls thing is just sooo dirty. I wouldn't even bother at this point and just ghost her. Honestly she deserves it. You're 300miles away, just block her everywhere and disappear….little surprise for tomorrow morning. Perhaps tomorrow when he calls again she'll answer and ask him to come up and launder the bedding for her. Nothing happened of course, they're just friends but the sheets need cleaning and she's too worn out to do it herself.
some_username1 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 52 minutes ago, Atwood said: ^ whilst I agree on not digging for the details and causing needless self-torturous images of the affair, I would argue there still needs to be a conversation. They haven’t broken up yet, and ghosting her is only going to cause drama and elongate the situation. OP should probably call to break up official and then request NC so she has no reason to continue contacting. If he ghosts, she’ll have ammunition to seek communication and paint him out to be cruel and heartless in the process. Ghosting her avoids drama- it gives her no right of reply and will leave her wondering what he’s thinking. If he blocks her on all fronts then there is no opportunity for any further nonsense on her part, unless she goes to his house but given the distance I don’t see that as being realistic. Ordinarily of course there should be a conversation, but the lack of respect on her part especially not answering her phone this evening means she doesn’t deserve to be anything more in OPs head. She hasn’t earned the right to be dumped with any class. 6
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: Tomorrow should be interesting conversation. Deep down you want her to talk you out of breaking up. You want her to come up with a beleivable story, you want her to re-affirm she can be trusted and you're being silly, and you want to be in the wrong and her in the right. Interestingly my teen girl just walked by and asked me what was the story I was reading on my forum, I gave her the short story and she was shocked! even a kid knows this is wrong from beginning to end. 7
some_username1 Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 16 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Deep down you want her to talk you out of breaking up. You want her to come up with a beleivable story, you want her to re-affirm she can be trusted and you're being silly, and you want to be in the wrong and her in the right. Interestingly my teen girl just walked by and asked me what was the story I was reading on my forum, I gave her the short story and she was shocked! even a kid knows this is wrong from beginning to end. Yeah I get that impression too- I worry that OP wants to give himself a chance to be convinced. Re: your daughter, it’s a classic case of it being easy to see from outside but where feelings are concerned it’s hard to be objective and rational. 2
MickeyBill Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Don't get all distracted by the OM should have known better that she was "taken". When a woman asks a guy to come over hang out drink wine and stay the night most are ogin to take that s an invitation for sex. He doesn't really owe you anything. When she is snuggling with him on the sofa and starts to get handsy, is he going to say "hold on there my milfy friend, aren't you taken?" Nope he will let you two sort that out later...Sorry friend. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 6 hours ago, some_username1 said: Ghosting her avoids drama- it gives her no right of reply and will leave her wondering what he’s thinking. If he blocks her on all fronts then there is no opportunity for any further nonsense on her part, unless she goes to his house but given the distance I don’t see that as being realistic. Ordinarily of course there should be a conversation, but the lack of respect on her part especially not answering her phone this evening means she doesn’t deserve to be anything more in OPs head. She hasn’t earned the right to be dumped with any class. In an ideal world we should have talked it through face to face, but that's not possible at the moment. What she has done is inexcusable, highly disrespectful and unprofessional and for me there is no going back from this. She made her choice and if she comes begging to me with some nonsense story about how nothing happened etc then she's wasting her time. 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: Deep down you want her to talk you out of breaking up. You want her to come up with a beleivable story, you want her to re-affirm she can be trusted and you're being silly, and you want to be in the wrong and her in the right. Interestingly my teen girl just walked by and asked me what was the story I was reading on my forum, I gave her the short story and she was shocked! even a kid knows this is wrong from beginning to end. A part of me wants to yes because I feel like I need proper closure. But then again that would just be hurting myself listening to her lies and picturing what they were doing that night. But I'm going to be firm about this and not back down, she has made me look like a right mug and yes partly my fault for not stepping in and being firmer on her, but that's a lot harder when there is no physical presence logistically. Your kid sounds to be brought up with morals and sounds sensible, it's embarrassing actually my now to be ex's behaviour. 4 hours ago, some_username1 said: Yeah I get that impression too- I worry that OP wants to give himself a chance to be convinced. Re: your daughter, it’s a classic case of it being easy to see from outside but where feelings are concerned it’s hard to be objective and rational. Admittedly it is hard to be convinced where there is still a bit of feelings left in there for her from me, but I can't overlook what she's done. She doesn't even seem sorry by her actions which makes it harder to comprehend.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 Not that it matters or is relevant anymore, but I should have said that my now to be ex is a recovering alcoholic. Alarms bels should also have been going off at me when she told me that she would be drinking wine. Going to call her later and tell her it's over. I will block her after that and try and move on. 2
Buffer Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 Brother, she sounds very controlling and self centred. Like the song, ‘let her go’. She isn’t communicating anything other than, look at me. I do what I want. one day at a time. Buffer 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, Buffer said: Brother, she sounds very controlling and self centred. Like the song, ‘let her go’. She isn’t communicating anything other than, look at me. I do what I want. one day at a time. Buffer Thanks mate. I think now that this has all come to a halt, I've now realised that she is a complicated, erratic, immature and irrational woman. She's certainly not the woman I fell in love with.
Calmandfocused Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 HT I just wanted to add that I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. The Emotional distress/ turmoil you are going through at the moment must be excruciating. Please keep posting here as it will help you get through it. It did for me and many others here. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve so much better and this is not your fault. Sometimes we make very unwise decisions and have to live with the consequences of what we’ve done. She’s violating all her own boundaries (including staying sober) as well as yours. Let her reap the consequences of her actions whilst you focus on moving on. 1 1
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