Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 This is not OK. I'd drop her like a hot potato. Sure, I understand she didn't like that you didn't want to break the rules to see her. If that was such a problem, she should have just broken up with you, rather than wave her slumber party with some 20-something dude in your face like this. And he reports to her at work? Terrible judgment. She obviously has issues. And if she were really that into you, she would have waited this out. In other words, doesn't seem like it would have been a lasting relationship, anyway. 7
DarrenB Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 9 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: She is 49 and he is 27. The age discrepancy is the most obvious indication here. The variety of colleagues and friends she could have chosen from, she decided on a considerably younger male to combat her 'loneliness' and to stay overnight? I have a hunch that's not the only reason. If I was you I would express your dislike of the situation and eventually break it off with her - otherwise the longer you disregard it and allow it to continue, the worse your anxiety towards the scenario will be. 3
DKT3 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Risk of covid aside, if a 49 year old women believe it's a reasonable response, is that really someone worth dating? 4 1
Hopeful30 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'm in a long distance relationship where my girlfriend lives in England and I'm in Wales. I haven't seen her since the end of March due to lockdown and even though things are now easing slightly regarding lockdown, the rules/guidance are still slightly different for each place which complicates our situation. We have agreed to respect each others wishes about not travelling as per the social distance, but this is where things have changed since England were allowed to form a 'social bubble'. I spoke to her last night and she said that because she is finding it hard being on her own with lockdown with not having much company, plus she doesn't know many people around her etc, she has invited her male (single) colleague who she says she is close to, to be her social bubble. Apparently, tonight after they finish work (she is depot manager and he is assistant manager), they are driving in her car to her house, 'hanging out', ordering a takeaway, drink a bottle of wine, play X-Box games and watch films. And he is staying overnight (in the spare room) before getting the bus back tomorrow morning. Of course I am not happy about this, but she has assured me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic interest in him but she just wanted to have another person to hang out with since I'm temporarily far away logistically. She is 49 and he is 27. I trust her but naturally I feel really uncomfortable about this. Am I right to feel this way or is she wrong? Thank for any advice. Forgive me for this but...is she stupid? Even if she is not interested in him, she should recognize that men who suggest wine and sleepovers are not "just friends". What bothers me is she didn't check with you. If I am in a relationship and some guy is sleeping over, I would talk this over with my man. I mean...she's lonely and invites a younger guy to sleep over and says it means nothing? How dumb does she think you are? Make an experiment. Tell her you're also having a female colleague sleep over because you're lonely. Let's see how she handles that... Edited June 19, 2020 by Hopeful30 6
Acacia98 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Honestly OP, having read your posts in this discussion, I get the impression that you and your girlfriend are so different in ways that matter that it was only a matter of time before you started having serious relationship issues. For one, you believe in following rules, she doesn't. We can debate until we're all blue in the face about which of you is right or wrong. But that doesn't matter so much. What matters is that you're different. And, as you can see, that difference translates into very different ways of navigating through life in the real world. Secondly, you have different ways of dealing with stress/crisis. She's the type of person who will blame you and punish you for something beyond your control. It's her way of restoring order in her world, I imagine. But it doesn't help build trust or stability in a relationship. This is who she is. This is how she will deal with other problems in the future if you're still together. What you need to decide is whether you'll be happy to live with that. 4
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: It's not just up to me if things continue or not, That doesn't make any sense. You are already having one foot out the door and nothing has happened. If she was going to bang this guy she wouldn't be telling you anything. Clearly she's being transparent. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 It doesn't matter how old he is. When you're in a relationship, it's not OK to have an opposite-sex "friend" over to Netflix and chill, period. 3
Calmandfocused Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) She’s setting the scene to “normalise” her relationship with this man. This way she can get her high sex drive fulfilled whilst youre in Wales. You won’t see anything abnormal about her hanging out with this man and you won’t suspect that she’s cheating. She’ll brainwash you into thinking this is normal. It is not. She’s quite clever but she’s highly manipulative. Do not be brainwashed! Op you know it, I know it, the loveshackers know it : she will be sleeping with this man over at her place. 100%!!! Whatever BS she gives you is utter nonsense. Nobody is that close to someone they don’t want to sleep with. She’s making life incredibly hard for herself, especially at work but that’s her problem. Don’t allow someone to treat you like this. Finish with her tomorrow morning at the very latest and make it clear to her why. She’s not an idiot, she will know why. Date a Welsh lady next time. Someone you can see. And date somebody younger, whose more mature than her, and thus understands boundaries in a relationship. Edited June 19, 2020 by Calmandfocused 5 1
Crazelnut Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Jeez, just call her up and break up with her right now. You're driving yourself bonkers over this. She's not the kind of person you want as a partner -- poor judgment, selfish, immature. Stop fretting and just break up. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 2 hours ago, kendahke said: One thing coronavirus has illustrated is that some people lack self discipline--they feel they need to be entertained constantly or are owed entertainment. Old girl is one of those people. Someone within a year of being 50 is a bit old to be playing videogames with someone young enough to be her son. Is she the kind who needs constant reassurance that she's pretty? Does she need validation from men of her worth? I agree with those who say it's really strange that she's choosing a guy to buddy up with instead of one of her girls... She has been completely reckless and I still can't understand why now does she want to bring this colleague home - she's had 3 months! She does need constant reassurance and validation, you are right, that is something I've noticed about her - not a pretty trait. I'll call her in the morning and find out how her night of passion went. 2
Ellener Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 11 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: My gut instinct is saying they are going to be doing more than being innocent and it's driving me mad with jealousy. We trust each other, but because I've never met him it makes me feel more threatened. so drive to Wales? ( safely as possible of course ) I'm guessing that's what she wants. Why haven't you already? Or bombarded her with other tokens of your affection?
Crazelnut Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 1 minute ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'll call her in the morning and find out how her night of passion went. Wrong move. Why don't you just break up with her? Or are you not strong enough to do that? 3
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 5 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'll call her in the morning and find out how her night of passion went. Really? This doesn't sound like a good idea to me. She told you some other man is gonna spend the night with her. And you're gonna follow up after that with a phone call? 5
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 6 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'll call her in the morning and find out how her night of passion went. What for?? She'll tell you he's just a friend and she loves you and all will be dandy for you? 4
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 To be fair, some people are OK with polyamorous relationships / multiple partners. Some people even prefer it. So if he's really cool with that, it's his business. 2
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ellener said: so drive to Wales? ( safely as possible of course He lives in Wales. His lockdown does not permit him driving to England for 300+ miles. Why bother anyway? She has made it pretty clear where she stands. No loving gf would put him through this trauma. His "crime" is obeying lockdown rules in the middle of pandemic... 4
MickeyBill Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) Either she is involved with Gary and from what you have said, like "last 6 months she's become a bit closer to this male colleague" it seems to me that all it may take is a night of gaming drinking and hanging out to make a physical affair. They are 85% there. Is he staying the weekend? OTOH, and there is always another hand, they may just hang out and she bitches about how you are a lousy BF because you wouldn't break the lockdown and he bitches about Connie in accounting who he is crushing on who won't even go out for coffee with him. If she's a hot 50 year old he may make or accept her move but if he sees her an older friend not bangable material it my not even enter his mind. (doubtful) Calling her in the AM reeks of desperation. It's time to step back for a day or two. Do some mild ghosting or NC. Give her something to think about...Ignore her emails texts and calls for a at least 6-8 hours but not more than 24, (since all this is pretty much speculation and connecting not enough dots to get a true picture) When this lockdown started people were saying look out for all the babies in 9 months! There will be babies but there will also be a lot of divorces and break ups... Like this Edited June 19, 2020 by MickeyBill clarify 3
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Well folks, I decided to be a man and phone her (spoil her night) but low ands behold she didn't answer. I will keep trying though but I'm beginning to think she is deliberately ignoring my calls out of spite - b*tch.
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'm beginning to think she is deliberately ignoring my calls out of spite . That is exactly what she is doing. More game playing. Do NOT call her again. Call tomorrow or Sunday & inform her you are through. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 18 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Sorry this is happening to you. It sucks. Thanks Ruby. 18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: That is exactly what she is doing. More game playing. Do NOT call her again. Call tomorrow or Sunday & inform her you are through. I'm done with her, she's made her decision and as someone said before has poisoned our relationship. I now see her for what she really is. I'm heartbroken, I really thought she was the one. 1 3
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 4 hours ago, amanda141 said: I may be old fashioned, but when I'll be 49 I hope to be married with children, not chasing youngsters or playing the x-box... You seem way more mature than her! Spot on Amanda! I do think she does have some sort of issues though hence the need for chasing young guys and acting like a sl*g. I hope she realises that it just wasn't worth it because she's now lost me through her actions.
preraph Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 She's 20 years older than him so it's doubtful he's all that interested in her. It still seems excessive to have a co-worker over to spend the night. She sounds needy, and just what little experience I've had with needy women as friends, I do think they tend to get into inappropriate situations more than non needy ones. 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 6 minutes ago, preraph said: She's 20 years older than him so it's doubtful he's all that interested in her. It still seems excessive to have a co-worker over to spend the night. She sounds needy, and just what little experience I've had with needy women as friends, I do think they tend to get into inappropriate situations more than non needy ones. To be honest I think it's more her doing than his suggestion. But still it hurts that he still accepted, knowing that she is spoken for. She is needy, clingy, insecure and unprofessional. I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the office next week. I even feel tempted to report her to her employer.
preraph Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 No don't start playing dirty. Stay out of her work situation or you're in love with someone who's dependent on you for a place to live. If she's that needy I would cut her loose. She's always going to bring problems on to herself. It's certainly not the guy's fault. 2
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