Girlfriend having her male colleague stay the night?

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, Mystery4u said:

What she is doing is completely wrong but you should have gone to see her a long time ago.

Rules or no rules seeing her should have been your priority. If my girlfriend refused to see me because she didn't want to break some rule I would find another girl.

Im in a real LDR (different sides of the world) and will be going to see her as soon as it's possible. If she has the virus I will still see her and kiss her etc, I wouldn't care about getting it, seeing her is more important.

You didn't make your girlfriend your priority, so now she is not making you her priority. Not surprising.

I have never heard of someone not breaking the rules for an SO if they’re really interested in them. Yes there are rules, but it’s not at the place authorities aren’t going to pull you over and follow you to the destination to make sure you are 100% visiting someone “vulnerable” etc. 

It sounds like op just didn’t want to go/risk it, which is completely within his right. Doesn’t sound like he’s all that into her though judging from other things he’s said and this fact alone ...

[Hollywood-Tourist]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have never heard of someone not breaking the rules for an SO if they’re really interested in them. Yes there are rules, but it’s not at the place authorities aren’t going to pull you over and follow you to the destination to make sure you are 100% visiting someone “vulnerable” etc. 

It sounds like op just didn’t want to go/risk it, which is completely within his right. Doesn’t sound like he’s all that into her though judging from other things he’s said and this fact alone ...

You are actually wrong here, the Police had actually set up checkpoints around the country earlier on in lockdown pulling over randomly drivers to check their validity necessity of travel.

The bottom line is that the virus is still ongoing and I didn't want to risk contracting it. And I am/was quite into her and would still want to be with her if she hadn't have invited this colleague over tonight.

[Mystery4u]

7 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

You are actually wrong here, the Police had actually set up checkpoints around the country earlier on in lockdown pulling over randomly drivers to check their validity necessity of travel.

The bottom line is that the virus is still ongoing and I didn't want to risk contracting it. And I am/was quite into her and would still want to be with her if she hadn't have invited this colleague over tonight.

So you put the risk of getting the virus as more important than seeing your girlfriend.

Says it all. Feel sorry for her actually. Doesn't excuse what she is doing now but clearly you are not a 'ride or die' boyfriend who always has his girlfriend's back.

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

 

The bottom line is that the virus is still ongoing and I didn't want to risk contracting it. And I am/was quite into her and would still want to be with her if she hadn't have invited this colleague over tonight.

Yeah but if in the crazy chance you were stopped you couldn’t say you were visiting your gf who needs you? Men have done a lot more to be with someone they want to be with 
 

The bottom line is you didn’t want to risk the virus. Like I said, nothing wrong w it. I am just saying what it seems like. Only you know your true feelings, you say she was  pushing to be closer and you felt two months in was too soon. felt pressure in meeting her friends, and she’s willing to risk the virus to see you and not the other way around. Just sounds like she’s more interested from one outsider’s perspective. Shes also significantly older than you. JMO
 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

The bottom line is that the virus is still ongoing and I didn't want to risk contracting it. 

Or risk passing it on to her as symptoms can take up to 14 days to present.

People forget that.  They don't have symptoms so get together with another or others who also don't have symptoms.

Meanwhile they do have the virus and are unknowingly spreading it around like wildfire.

That is actually what has been happening in my city right now, since some restrictions have lifted. 

We may even be forced into another complete shutdown as people are not adhering to the rules (wearing face masks, six feet apart). 

I don't like rules either, except my own personal rules, but this could literally mean life or death for some individuals.

So to me not worth the risk, for either me or them.

Edited June 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[contel3]

I think it's good you're not being reckless. There's still middle ways though. Why didn't she come and see you? She could have isolated before seeing you and it would have been her responsibility if she got caught.

People don't have the same views when it comes to lockdown. I can see where you're coming from not wanting to see her, but if she thinks the lockdown is useless not even trying to meet must have felt like a slap in the face.

[smackie9]

it's not appropriate yes.... but like everyone else she's bored and welcomes some non sexual company. So what if this guy wants some play...do you trust your GF? She's the one that decides who gets sex with her.

IMO 2 years is way too long for a LDR. With this virus limiting visits, it becomes a deal breaker. It's up to you whether or not to continue with the way things are.

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, contel3 said:

If my boyfriend refused to see me for 3 months I would probably assume its over too.

So you would properly break up with him I imagine and not become a gf with no loyalty and integrity.

She does  not deserve a pass because he has not travelled to see her. If she is not happy about his absence then she can break up like any normal adult would do.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

18 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

So you put the risk of getting the virus as more important than seeing your girlfriend.

Says it all. Feel sorry for her actually. Doesn't excuse what she is doing now but clearly you are not a 'ride or die' boyfriend who always has his girlfriend's back.

In these scary times yes I did prioritise the virus over my girlfriend. I just don't think people are taking it seriously enough. I've not had any symptoms and neither has she but I still want to play it safe in the meantime.

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yeah but if in the crazy chance you were stopped you couldn’t say you were visiting your gf who needs you? Men have done a lot more to be with someone they want to be with 
 

The bottom line is you didn’t want to risk the virus. Like I said, nothing wrong w it. I am just saying what it seems like. Only you know your true feelings, you say she was  pushing to be closer and you felt two months in was too soon. felt pressure in meeting her friends, and she’s willing to risk the virus to see you and not the other way around. Just sounds like she’s more interested from one outsider’s perspective. Shes also significantly older than you. JMO
 

I could have said that if stopped, but from what I've heard, some Police forces require evidence i.e. a letter from employer to prove you are visiting an ill person who is vulnerable.

What would be the point in travelling either way to see each other and having to sit 2m apart inside with masks on? Where's the fun in that?

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Or risk passing it on to her as symptoms can take up to 14 days to present.

People forget that.  They don't have symptoms so get together with another or others who also don't have symptoms.

Meanwhile they do have the virus and are unknowingly spreading it around like wildfire.

That is actually what has been happening in my city right now, since some restrictions have lifted. 

We may even be forced into another complete shutdown as people are not adhering to the rules (wearing face masks, six feet apart). 

I don't like rules either, except my own personal rules, but this could literally mean life or death for some individuals.

So to me not worth the risk, for either me or them.

Good to see someone on the same page as me. That's the long a d short of it to me is that right now it's simply not worth the risk, and yes I'm being sensible about it in other ways.

5 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I think it's good you're not being reckless. There's still middle ways though. Why didn't she come and see you? She could have isolated before seeing you and it would have been her responsibility if she got caught.

People don't have the same views when it comes to lockdown. I can see where you're coming from not wanting to see her, but if she thinks the lockdown is useless not even trying to meet must have felt like a slap in the face.

I said that it wasn't worth her coming to mine because we would be in exactly the same situation, limited to what we can do and sitting there inside isolating jointly pretty much - not exactly fun and can't even kiss or cuddle her.

[Gaeta]

Where I live we had road blocks everywhere so we don't drive out of our area. You could exhaust yourself explaining to the police officer you just want to visit your gf, your mom, your dying grand-father, there was NO WAY they would let you drive through. Do you expect OP to force himself through those check point?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

it's not appropriate yes.... but like everyone else she's bored and welcomes some non sexual company. So what if this guy wants some play...do you trust your GF? She's the one that decides who gets sex with her.

IMO 2 years is way too long for a LDR. With this virus limiting visits, it becomes a deal breaker. It's up to you whether or not to continue with the way things are.

Yes I trust my girlfriend but it's the thought of him being there just the two of them that's angering me. I have never met this bloke but would like to assume he isn't a typical Jack The Lad type.

It's not just up to me if things continue or not, we were actually making plans for her to move up here at the end of this year.

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you would properly break up with him I imagine and not become a gf with no loyalty and integrity.

She does  not deserve a pass because he has not travelled to see her. If she is not happy about his absence then she can break up like any normal adult would do.

Only time will tell what she thinks to it, but I intend to call her soon to tell her and ask why she/he insists he stays over, just turf him out in a taxi if you really must.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where I live we had road blocks everywhere so we don't drive out of our area. You could exhaust yourself explaining to the police officer you just want to visit your gf, your mom, your dying grand-father, there was NO WAY they would let you drive through. Do you expect OP to force himself through those check point?

To give you a further understanding to her character, she said that if she came up to me then she would be willing to risk the fine if she got caught (but failed to mention the fact that she would also be turned away on the spot as well as fined.)

That's her logic.

[contel3]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So you would properly break up with him I imagine and not become a gf with no loyalty and integrity.

She does  not deserve a pass because he has not travelled to see her. If she is not happy about his absence then she can break up like any normal adult would do.

 

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where I live we had road blocks everywhere so we don't drive out of our area. You could exhaust yourself explaining to the police officer you just want to visit your gf, your mom, your dying grand-father, there was NO WAY they would let you drive through. Do you expect OP to force himself through those check point?

Well yeah of course, she should have just broken up, not play stupid games. 

And like I said I can see why OP didn't want to travel. I don't really see why they couldn't isolate together for two weeks at his place though. I mean assuming they weren't meeting anyone else there would have been no risk of contracting anything.

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, contel3 said:

She could have isolated before seeing you ...

They both would have needed to self-isolate to be safe. 

My bf has been gone 3 months for a work assignment, he returned last night and today we are leaving for a one week vacay on the beach. 

We both self-isolated for 14 days and so now we are free to enjoy being together without worrying whether or not we have it and don't know it as again symptoms can take up to 14 days to present.

OP, I don't know your situation but could you both have done that prior to your visit?  

That way, you can kiss, cuddle, have sex all night and not worry about it!!!

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Amanda141]

I may be old fashioned, but when I'll be 49 I hope to be married with children, not chasing youngsters or playing the x-box...

You seem way more mature than her!

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

 

I said that it wasn't worth her coming to mine because we would be in exactly the same situation, limited to what we can do and sitting there inside isolating jointly pretty much - not exactly fun and can't even kiss or cuddle her.

My point was most men would not wear masks. They would be fine kissing their significant other. I know some who didn’t date during the pandemic, but not people who didn’t see their boyfriend/gf or husband/wife. . Just saying what it appears like in conjunction with the other things. It might seem that way to her as well. That might be why she told you ahe is instead going to go mask less and personal with this other man. She doesn’t seem to have the same fears you do, at best. You guys don’t seem compatible. 

[d0nnivain]

You asked whose fault this is. . . The answer is a bit of both. 

When you didn't come to see her from her perspective that was a crack in the foundation of the relationship.  IMO it was repairable. 

She has now taken a sledge hammer to things.  She's behaving immaturely & acting out.  That is more of a deal breaker then the allegedly platonic sleep over.  I'm still willing to assume she's going into this not intending for anything to happen but two people + wine alone in the house. . . it would be too easy for something to happen.  You have to assume this cub is assuming cougar & he's at least gonna try.   The fact that she can't see that & is messing with a subordinate is just too much.  If she said he was coming over for dinner & then going home I'd tell you to simmer down, perhaps ask to facetime them both while he's there.  But the offer for a sleep over is too much. 

DTF is a crude way of saying open to sex.  Down To F***

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have never heard of someone not breaking the rules for an SO if they’re really interested in them. Yes there are rules, but it’s not at the place authorities aren’t going to pull you over and follow you to the destination to make sure you are 100% visiting someone “vulnerable” etc. 

This is not true everywhere. 

I'm in Italy and the police absolutely were all over the place here, stopping people at checkpoints (both in cars and on foot) and charging those out of their homes for non-essential reasons. We were not permitted to visit anyone - family and significant others included. It made no difference if there were not vulnerable; it was simply illegal to be out of our homes at all if not for one of very few essential reasons. Thousands were charged almost daily, and they were hefty and criminal fines. Not like a parking ticket. 

Believe it or not,  many people here didn't  see their significant others for those 2 months of total lock-down. Let's not make the erroneous and unfair assumption that the protocol (and public response to it) is the same everywhere and that not violating it reflects a lack of interest.

Edited June 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

I'm in a real LDR (different sides of the world) and will be going to see her as soon as it's possible. If she has the virus I will still see her and kiss her etc, I wouldn't care about getting it, seeing her is more important.

Really? And then if you have a kid or a sick elderly parent, you go back home with the virus and infect him or her because that's what people do when they love other people? 

Or what if you give your girlfriend (?) the virus and she falls seriously ill? She should just bear it stoically because she got it in the name of love?

[elaine567]

Wales has been badly affected and has thus taken their lockdown seriously.
England has eased off quite a bit despite also being badly affected and as Wales is a lovely place lots of English people wanted to go there..
Lovely day let's go to Wales.
Wales not happy, border patrols set up to stop traffic in both directions.

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Believe it or not,  many people here didn't  see their significant others for those 2 months of total lock-down. Let's not make the erroneous and unfair assumption that the protocol (and public response to it) is the same everywhere and that not violating it reflects a lack of interest.

i'm taking into account the information provided by the OP as to his location and his own reasons for why he did not travel to her or have her travel to him.

Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[kendahke]

One thing coronavirus has illustrated is that some people lack self discipline--they feel they need to be entertained constantly or are owed entertainment. Old girl is one of those people.  Someone within a year of being 50 is a bit old to be playing videogames with someone young enough to be her son.

Is she the kind who needs constant reassurance that she's pretty? Does she need validation from men of her worth? I agree with those who say it's really strange that she's choosing a guy to buddy up with instead of one of her girls...

[Atwood]

I'm so pleased you've prioritised the lockdown rules over going to see her. A sensible person! 

My boyfriend and I are living in separate homes (with our parents) during lockdown as the virus came along and scuppered our plans to move out. We love each other very much and desperately miss each other, but have we broken the rules? No, because we're not stupid. It's not romantic to defy health guidelines. It was my partner's birthday and it was our anniversary and both times we discussed how badly we wanted to see each other and if we should break the rules by moving me into his house. We have repeatedly decided no, because it's not worth the health risk. 

This is a global pandemic and it won't overlook you through the power of love. You absolutely are doing the right thing and the way she's acting isn't fair. She's basically putting you in a position of breaking the rules/potentially catching the virus or else she'll hold the security of the relationship hostage. For anyone who thinks following the guidelines to a T is somehow a cop out, go and research the experiences of people who have had COVID-19. Not. Worth. It. 

I say, if she really loves you and cares about you, she would not be able to stand the thought of you potentially catching it. At least, that's just my opinion. 

 

Secondly, as someone in their 20s with work colleagues/friends who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s...I adore them dearly as friends, but it would be wildly inappropriate for sleepovers, especially alone. In fact, I am absolutely positive that my boss, who is also a close friend, would not dream of accepting an offer to stay over because he would know how inappropriate it is for a boss to allow that kind of situation, even though it would be totally innocent. 

 

side note: gaming is a perfectly acceptable hobby for any age! I'd worry more about her relationship skills and communication. My boyfriend and I will be gamers until we're 90, but if I told him something made me jealous he would take my concerns seriously and ask me what it was he needed to do to make the situation appropriate. And vice versa. It;s up to you, but if you decide to stay there needs to be some serious talks about what's okay and within the bounds of your relationship. 

 

[Mystery4u]

35 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Really? And then if you have a kid or a sick elderly parent, you go back home with the virus and infect him or her because that's what people do when they love other people? 

Or what if you give your girlfriend (?) the virus and she falls seriously ill? She should just bear it stoically because she got it in the name of love?

Yes really. No kids or elderly parents involved. I could easily catch the virus every day going to work, traveling on the bus and tube, being at work with colleagues, going to the supermarket being within 50cm of other people, picking up items that someone else has touched etc etc etc

And you would expect me to do all those things, but then not increase that risk by a miniscule amount by not seeing the most important person in the world to me? It's a no brainer. Off course it's an extra risk worth taking, doesn't even need thinking about.

If I gave it to her then the chance of anything serious happening to her are so small it's less likely she will die from it than any other 'normal' life risk. A risk very much worth taking.

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said:

...

She was keen to remind me that this was my fault because I chose to follow the governments advice over our relationship, as if she was trying to shame me.

You're spot on, she doesn't respect me for this and basically doesn't care how I feel. I've never and would never do anything like this to her.

This combined with her behavior which does legitimacy raise concerns, even if innocent...that would be too much for me.  Even if they are purely platonic, it does seem like a slap n the face.

Especially, if by life or death you mean that you have a decent chance of dying if you get COVID-19, then it is all sorts of cold-hearted BS on her part.   Those I know who have a person in their circle who could easily die from COVID-19 (as in they have almost died already from a heart condition or pneumonia or on chemotherapy) I respect completely their precautions even if excessive for me...they also took precautions about flu and contagion before the pandemic so this is not something new, just on steroids.

How long have you known her?  It seems a real basic world view disconnect between the two of you on the pandemic.

Also, although this arose from the pandemic, these are the kinds of things that often happen in LDRs...you can't be there so I "innocently" seek out temptation.  Right, LDRs take an extra level of sensitivity, communication and trust; not deliberate obtuseness.