Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) I'm in a long distance relationship where my girlfriend lives in England and I'm in Wales. I haven't seen her since the end of March due to lockdown and even though things are now easing slightly regarding lockdown, the rules/guidance are still slightly different for each place which complicates our situation. We have agreed to respect each others wishes about not travelling as per the social distance, but this is where things have changed since England were allowed to form a 'social bubble'. I spoke to her last night and she said that because she is finding it hard being on her own with lockdown with not having much company, plus she doesn't know many people around her etc, she has invited her male (single) colleague who she says she is close to, to be her social bubble. Apparently, tonight after they finish work (she is depot manager and he is assistant manager), they are driving in her car to her house, 'hanging out', ordering a takeaway, drink a bottle of wine, play X-Box games and watch films. And he is staying overnight (in the spare room) before getting the bus back tomorrow morning. Of course I am not happy about this, but she has assured me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic interest in him but she just wanted to have another person to hang out with since I'm temporarily far away logistically. She is 49 and he is 27. I trust her but naturally I feel really uncomfortable about this. Am I right to feel this way or is she wrong? Thank for any advice. Edited June 19, 2020 by Hollywood-Tourist
ccas93 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) yeah while they could be doing those activities just friends (hanging out, eating, playing videos games and staying the night and drinking, are nights I have had with my friends), they could also just as easily be doing them as more than friends . it's not cool. It would be pushing my boundaries too. Edited June 19, 2020 by ccas93 6
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 4 minutes ago, ccas93 said: yeah while they could be doing those activities just friends (hanging out, eating, playing videos games and staying the night and drinking, are nights I have had with my friends), they could also just as easily be doing them as more than friends . it's not cool. It would be pushing my boundaries too. That's what I think too. My gut instinct is saying they are going to be doing more than being innocent and it's driving me mad with jealousy. We trust each other, but because I've never met him it makes me feel more threatened. 2 1
Amanda141 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Doesn't she have female friends or colleagues to spend the time with? Idk, it seems strange to me. Did you tell her your concerns? 3
schlumpy Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 You could just dump her. I would. This is out of bounds for romantic relationship. Then again, as blatant a signal as she is sending it could be she wants an open relationship. Know any 25 year old bomb shells that would like to be a part of your social bubble? Just make sure she stays over in the "spare" bedroom. In the end, how people treat you is your choice. 7
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, amanda141 said: Doesn't she have female friends or colleagues to spend the time with? Idk, it seems strange to me. Did you tell her your concerns? I should have been a bit clearer. Yes she does have female friends , but in the last 6 months she's become a bit closer to this male colleague of hers (again I trust her so didn't think too much of it.) But because of the stupid social bubble rules that you can choose only one person from outside your household to see and mix with, she's picked him over her female friends. I did tell her my concerns yes, but she assured me that 'nothing is going to happen in that sort of way'. I just feel like I'm the bad guy here because although I would never actually tell her who she can and can't be friends with, that she is crossing the line having him over and especially to stay the night. 11 minutes ago, enigma32 said: I would just break things off with her. You can try hashing it out with her but if she thinks this sort of thing is ok in a relationship, you can likely expect it to happen again. Her excuse also troubles me. It's cool for her to have another guy over to her place for company since you cannot be there? What else can she have another guy do since you cannot be there to do it? She's just not relationship material, IMO. You are right. It would save a lot of heartache etc, but I do love her and miss her so much so part of me wants to hang in there because she is my girlfriend and told me that she still loves me and wants to be with me. It's just odd the whole thing having a bloke colleague over for a night in and then him staying the night in a separate room. I agree with you that I don't think she is really relationship material either in that sense regarding thinking it's ok to have another man sleep overnight in her house when her boyfriend (me) is miles away. I wouldn't dream of doing that if it was a female friend of mine, she wouldn't even be at my house, I don't operate like that. 9 minutes ago, schlumpy said: You could just dump her. I would. This is out of bounds for romantic relationship. Then again, as blatant a signal as she is sending it could be she wants an open relationship. Know any 25 year old bomb shells that would like to be a part of your social bubble? Just make sure she stays over in the "spare" bedroom. In the end, how people treat you is your choice. She had the cheek to say that I had crossed the line because I refused to travel to see her on pre-arranged time we had off to see each other due to the virus outbreak. She doesnt seem to get how serious the situation is and it really is a case of life and death. It surprises me really because she is usually a very sensible woman,
Amanda141 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 It sounds odd that she's picked him over her female friends I really hope she is being sincere with you, and he is genuinely just a friend/colleague and not a toy boy. Maybe if you know his name you can check his social media to see if he has a girlfriend 1
schlumpy Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 I understand you love her. I've been in the same situation. Luckily for me I was strong enough to walk away although it did take me while to get over her. First love and all that. The way I read this is she doesn't want to feel guilty. So she gives you a story that is easy to read between the lines. I think you know as well as I that she has interest in this guy. She gives you this story then gauges your reaction to it. Your reaction is passive and she knows you are not going to do anything about it so she can eat some cake. You can blame it on that you love her, but she has no respect for you. You should not want that type relationship. You have every right in the world to call it quits. Don't be a chump. 3 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 1 hour ago, amanda141 said: It sounds odd that she's picked him over her female friends I really hope she is being sincere with you, and he is genuinely just a friend/colleague and not a toy boy. Maybe if you know his name you can check his social media to see if he has a girlfriend That's my sentiments too, why pick him over her female friends - it's just odd and unsettling to me. I hope she is being truthful with me too and 95% of me does believe that. She doesn't strike me as the type that would cheat - I've been with her for nearly 2yrs. I only know his first name unfortunately but I know that he broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: I understand you love her. I've been in the same situation. Luckily for me I was strong enough to walk away although it did take me while to get over her. First love and all that. The way I read this is she doesn't want to feel guilty. So she gives you a story that is easy to read between the lines. I think you know as well as I that she has interest in this guy. She gives you this story then gauges your reaction to it. Your reaction is passive and she knows you are not going to do anything about it so she can eat some cake. You can blame it on that you love her, but she has no respect for you. You should not want that type relationship. You have every right in the world to call it quits. Don't be a chump. I'm sorry that you've been in the same situation as me, it really does hurt so much. I've been cheated on in the past and my girlfriend knows this, but I really don't think she would cheat on me, she doesn't seem the 'type'. I do believe that she has interest in this guy as all I hear from her on the phone is 'Gary this, Gary that' and it does make me feel insecure. When I said to her that I was jealous of this plan she said "I'm his boss, and he's 27 so he's a kid!, nothing is going to happen" as if that's going to really make me feel better! You say my reaction is passive, which it is, but that said she does know I am not happy about him coming to hers tonight meanwhile I'm on my own miles away. She was keen to remind me that this was my fault because I chose to follow the governments advice over our relationship, as if she was trying to shame me. You're spot on, she doesn't respect me for this and basically doesn't care how I feel. I've never and would never do anything like this to her. 2
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 2 hours ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I just feel like I'm the bad guy here because although I would never actually tell her who she can and can't be friends with, that she is crossing the line having him over and especially to stay the night. Of course you cannot tell her who she can be friends with but you have all the power to remove yourself from this relationship. What the heck a 49 year old woman can have in common with a 27 year old? Remember being a 27 year old male? What was on your mind most time? This woman has no respect for you, if she had she would know this behavior is highly disrespectful and she would never ever risk losing you over it. If I told my boyfriend I am having a male friend from work half my age stay over all hell would break loose and I'd never see him again! 4
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 10 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: When I said to her that I was jealous of this plan she said "I'm his boss, and he's 27 so he's a kid!, nothing is going to happen" as if that's going to really make me feel better! So, not only she's a disrespectful girlfriend but she's unprofessional and innapropriate in her work place! What's the difference between her inviting him over and a male boss inviting the young receptionist over his place? none! 6
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Of course you cannot tell her who she can be friends with but you have all the power to remove yourself from this relationship. What the heck a 49 year old woman can have in common with a 27 year old? Remember being a 27 year old male? What was on your mind most time? This woman has no respect for you, if she had she would know this behavior is highly disrespectful and she would never ever risk losing you over it. If I told my boyfriend I am having a male friend from work half my age stay over all hell would break loose and I'd never see him again! I do have that authority to exit the relationship of course, but I'm seriously now considering my options because of her intentions that were said last night. That is what went through my mind, I genuinely have no idea what someone of her and his age actually have in common - I'm puzzled. It's been a few years since I was 27 but being honest at that age, all that went through my mind was either going out with friends or sha**ing! This is what I cannot get my head around, this has all come pout of the blue and she literally tells me the day before - that's completely cr*ppy. I really don't think many or any people would be happy about their partners sleeping in a lone house with a work colleague in separate rooms, wining and dining beforehand and watching films. I reckon I deserve to be treated respectfully by her and far better than she is doing. 5
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So, not only she's a disrespectful girlfriend but she's unprofessional and innapropriate in her work place! What's the difference between her inviting him over and a male boss inviting the young receptionist over his place? none! I absolutely agree with you, it's so unprofessional and way out of line. If anything from his point of view it's like she's leading him on! When you put it like that, there really is no difference at all between what my girlfriend is intending to do and a male boss having a young female bit of stuff at his. I'm really upset about this, do you think I have the right to tell her to p*ss off?!
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: I'm really upset about this, do you think I have the right to tell her to p*ss off?! The right? You have the duty to tell her to F8ck off out of your life. If your father, or your son was treated that way by a woman what would you want for them? If you'd be shocked a woman treat your father or son that way, then why are you hesitating and think that it might be ok for you? 5 1
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: The right? You have the duty to tell her to F8ck off out of your life. If your father, or your son was treated that way by a woman what would you want for them? If you'd be shocked a woman treat your father or son that way, then why are you hesitating and think that it might be ok for you? I'm being vain, of course I have more than the right to tell her to do one. I guess I'm still in shock at the moment that I'm not really thinking clearly. If my son or father was treated in the way that she's treating me, then I would tell them to get rid of her, she's no partner if she has the ability to do something like that. All I'm left with now is a mental image of them entering her house tonight, eating food and f**king in her bed. I have this feeling that there's no way there won't be nothing that won't happen between them tonight, it won't be innocent. And why does he have to stay over, why can't he just go home in a taxi if he really must come round instead of staying over? I'm fuming. I shall have to tell her that this is not acceptable and that we are done, this is a deal breaker for me, 4
Miss Spider Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) He’s gonna try to get some play and it’s definitely disrespectful .She says she has no friends... but as for why he has to stay over... did you ask her? Also, if she were really gonna cheat, I have to wonder why she would even tell you about this. You’re long distance anyway Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: How long you've been dating? We have been dating for nearly 2yrs. It's a long distance relationship so I don't see her as often as I would like. The virus that's ongoing has not helped things whatsoever,
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Cookiesandough said: He’s gonna try to get some play and it’s definitely disrespectful .She says she has no friends... but as for why he has to stay over... did you ask her? Also if she were really gonna cheat I have to wonder why she would even tell you about this. You’re long distance anyway That's what I think too. I mean what guy won't chance it and try it on to score a notch on their bedpost? I've never met him, but I am wary of any man that gets close to my girlfriend like this and her stinking attitude for encouraging it. I was such in shock on the phone call that I didn't ask why he has to stay over no, probably actually a critical question I should have asked her. I don't think it matters anymore as she's clearly made her choice. No idea why she was being upfront about him coming round and her intentions, maybe just trying to make me jealous because I chose not to travel to see her incase of contracrting the virus.
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 1 minute ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: No idea why she was being upfront about him coming round and her intentions, maybe just trying to make me jealous because I chose not to travel to see her incase of contracrting the virus. Absolutely, you refused to break the rule for her so she's making sure you're aware if she's not getting it from you, she'll get it from someone else. This is far from being a woman with integrity that cherishes her relationship. You said she's 49, I assume you are in the same age range? At this point in your life do you really want to deal with this type of BS? 2
Miss Spider Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Hollywood-Tourist said: . No idea why she was being upfront about him coming round and her intentions, [b{maybe just trying to make me jealous because I chose not to travel to see her incase of contracrting the virus.[/b] Sounds like it and if you suspect so you’re probably right. This relationship sounds cashed. Sorry Edited June 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Most 49yo women in this situation would NOT have chosen their 27yo male single colleague and subordinate to share a bubble with. She has female friends, so why choose this guy that she has "become closer to in the past 6 months..."? Coworkers get into relationships all the time, and people who cheat often do so "in plain sight". "We are just friends, there is nothing to worry about..." 4
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Absolutely, you refused to break the rule for her so she's making sure you're aware if she's not getting it from you, she'll get it from someone else. This is far from being a woman with integrity that cherishes her relationship. You said she's 49, I assume you are in the same age range? At this point in your life do you really want to deal with this type of BS? We both do have high sex drives and I feel sick at the thought of her being with any other man. I just feel that I'm trying to be sensible out of the two of us hence why I said no to seeing each other and she's offended and now throwing her dummy out the pram. I really cannot believe that she is going through with this and having him round, because everything she said they'd be doing is what a partner should be doing with their partner, NOT a 'friend' or colleague, She was all over me for the majority of the relationship to the point where I felt she was needy and smothering, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She is nearly 50 yes and I just think WTF are you thinking at your stage of life with your mad hurtful plans. It doesn't seem real. I'm 39 so there's a 10yr gap between us.
Author Hollywood-Tourist Posted June 19, 2020 Author Posted June 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Most 49yo women in this situation would NOT have chosen their 27yo male single colleague and subordinate to share a bubble with. She has female friends, so why choose this guy that she has "become closer to in the past 6 months..."? Coworkers get into relationships all the time, and people who cheat often do so "in plain sight". "We are just friends, there is nothing to worry about..." For sure, it just doesn't add up or make sense to me. She's never done anything like this to my knowledge before. Fair enough if she invited her female friends over and they said no, but to specifically make a beeline for the opposite sex is just as huge red flag to me. Do you mean that some co-workers who cheat in plain sight do so in an obvious way?
Amanda141 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 I am 23 and honestly I would NOT be comfortable spending the night with someone more than 20 years older than me, especially if he is my boss. What the hell would we have in common? It's very unprofessional. Since he accepted to go, I think he has a interest in her... it's Friday night, and I am sure a 27-year-old boy would surely have some alternatives. Also, why does she need him to sleep over? I think you should talk more deeply with her about this. You are abiding by the rules, it's not that you don't want to visit her... she is being selfish in my opinion. If she is feeling so lonely, who doesn't she have a socially distanced walk in a park with her female friends? It's allowed now in England. Make her respect you 1
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