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Wife wants to hurt herself and want to make it look like it was me

Luke3

By Luke3
in Separation and Divorce

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Luke3 New Member

Luke3

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Hi,

I have already announced my wife I want to divorce weeks ago. No kids. Married for 3,5 years now.
The first time I announced her, she wanted to go to the kitchen, grab a knife and hurt herself - I prevented her from doing so. then she slapped herself until cheeks were pink/red. I fear that she would hurt herself badly and she would make it look like I hurt her to the police and the judge. So I backed off the idea of divorce. We still leave in the same apartment (rented, contract under my name - was the case before we got married).

How would you handle this and announce the divorce to her?

I was thinking asking her to come down in the lobby of our apartment building after coming from office - at least, there would be some witnesses. Or during lunch or dinner at restaurant (public places).

I am helpless and don't know what to do. The more I stay with her, the more I have to lie to her and show her a good face whereas deep inside I resent her so so much.

Thanks for your advice.
 

healing light Established Member

healing light

Posted
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What are the recording laws in your state? See if you can get her threats to harm herself and make it look like you on tape if you are going to tell her in person.

But, honestly, if it were me? I would move out all my stuff when I know she will be gone (ie. at work or on a trip, etc.) with multiple witnesses like friends. And then leave her a note/text her about the break up and have all future communication go through a lawyer.

Edited by healing light
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Luke3 New Member

Luke3

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Hi Healing Light

Thanks for your answer. My wife is Chinese and we currently live in China. I'll check with a local lawyer what the laws are about.

I cannot move all my stuff, due to covid 19, she stays at home all the time - only me go out of home to go to work to office. I don;t have stuff I care about in the apartment.

Thanks for your piece of advice and recommendation. I think the break up note and all future communication via lawyer is a good point.

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healing light Established Member

healing light

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Oh man, I imagine that makes it more difficult. Yeah, I would treat her as if she were dangerous, to be honest (because in this case it sounds like she may be to herself, if not to you). Sometimes domestic violence shelters have advice and experience in helping to relocate people from precarious situations; perhaps you can check online to see if any of them discuss resources or exit plans that would be viable options for you. 

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Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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When I realized that my exW was unstable... I made sure the lock on my bedroom door was working (I worried about me)... and I put cameras in the house. I put them in clear view, and everyone knew where they were at.  Regardless of what the laws are... you can have cameras in your own home.  As far as her trying to hurt herself, and blaming you... that is one HUGE reason to get away !!!!   Make sure you are locked up at night... and just file.   Then.... get away when you can. 

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Luke3 New Member

Luke3

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Thanks Blind Sided for your answer. 

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

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In addition to everything you should do to keep yourself safe, tell as many people as possible about this. Put it in writing (not just here). You will want lots of evidence and lots of friends/neighbors/family who will say "yeah, we know". She won't be able to successfully blame it on you if everyone else is aware.

Your idea to do it publicly is a very good one, but don't do it until you're completely ready to go. You need to be prepared to leave at a moment's notice. Move as much as you can to a different apartment or a friend's house, pack an emergency essentials bag with everything you can't afford to lose (ID, money, keys, etc) and drop the bomb in public, with a trusted friend at your side. You will eventually get your place back, but right now your safety comes first.

Edited by lana-banana
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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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When in a fight with a significant other, threatening self harm is usually a manipulation/control tactic.  Nevertheless, next time it happens, call the police straightaway and let them deal with it.  

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, Luke3 said:

Hi,

I have already announced my wife I want to divorce weeks ago. No kids. Married for 3,5 years now.
The first time I announced her, she wanted to go to the kitchen, grab a knife and hurt herself 

You need to call the police and put it on record that she is making these threats. Do not be living with or around her. Have her served with the divorce papers instead of having a confrontation after you have moved out. 

 

You have got to let the police know about this as well as your attorney in advance so it will be on record because obviously she's going to play dirty. you certainly do not need to be there physically trying to stop her from doing something because that's the same as fighting with her. Get your stuff out of that house and leave and then have her served. Notify the law enforcement in writing or whatever that this is going on so there has to be a file on it.

Edited by preraph
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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18 hours ago, healing light said:

But, honestly, if it were me? I would move out all my stuff when I know she will be gone (ie. at work or on a trip, etc.) with multiple witnesses like friends. And then leave her a note/text her about the break up and have all future communication go through a lawyer.

This is exactly what I would do. 

Whatever you decide, do NOT have children with this woman. At best, she is manipulative. At worst, she is unstable and has some serious mental health issues that would place yourself and your children at risk. 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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You do not let someone manipulate you into staying with them like this.  I agree with the idea of just leaving her.  If she threatens to hurt herself, you call the police.  They might put her in a psych ward... maybe that's what she needs.  Don't let this be your problem anymore.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Imagine, you stay and she learns that she can behave in this way to get exactly what she wants. That’s a terribly unhealthy way to be in a relationship. If you are concerned about her safety, call her family and let them know what she is threatening. But, don’t let her manipulate you into staying... this will only get worse with time once you’ve taught her that she can manipulate you this way. 

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Luke3 New Member

Luke3

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Hi everyone,

I am very touched by your support.

@ lana-banana : Thanks a lot. very sound piece of advice there.

@ CautiouslyOptimisitic : Yes, I am too easily manipulated, I can admit to that. The local police is chinese, I dont' speak mandarin. They could take their side. Wondering if my lawyer can be with me when I break the news to her.

@ preraph : very sound advice as well.

@ BaileyB : totally agree with you, I have been way too weak and naive. I should step up for myself.

@ ShyViolet : also good advice, I did not think about it.

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Luke3 New Member

Luke3

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Hi

 

another piece of advice I was given : announce to her the divorce via a video call and record it. Then it could be proof that she was in good health and I did not do anything.

Police here won't do anything : they may come after she stabs me.

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  • 4 weeks later...
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Established Member

CAPSLOCK BANDIT

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You do exactly what this guy did, he was in your exact situation and did the right thing:

 

dangerous Established Member

dangerous

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My ex-wife was like this. She hit and scratched herself, so I didn't leave. Then when things didn't improve I tried to leave again. This time she threatened to kill herself. I left.

5 years later, and I have a new life and do not regret leaving (other than i should have left sooner).

My advice is to get a good friend to come collect you, so that when you tell you wife and leave immediately, your friend is a witness that she is safe and you did not hit her.

major_merrick Established Member

major_merrick

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If the cops can wear a bodycam, pretty sure you can too.  Just record yourself and log your whereabouts perpetually for a while.  Activate GPS on your phone and keep a record.  That way you've got video evidence (with timestamp) and location evidence for everything you do from brushing your teeth in the morning to getting in bed at night.  And you'll have any (if any) interactions with your wife recorded.  If there's no issues, you can keep all data to yourself.  If there's issues, you'll have everything you need to prove your case with zero doubts before a court.

If you have been recording **everything** then it won't look like you've been specifically recording HER if you have some kind of interaction.  Might help get around some red tape, as long as you only use the recordings defensively if accused of something.  Pretty much any evidence is admissible in your own defense...at least where I live. (Your location may vary.  Consult an attorney instead of a stay-at-home-mom). 

As others have noted...when informing her of divorce just have her served by the authorities.  Either tax dollars take care of it, or there will be a minor fee for the service and it is well worth it for you to NOT be anywhere nearby.

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