Love Bombing and Push Pull - Update, How do I Cope?

[SS2855]

Thank you- the answer is simple, not easy but simple it seems. Is your story on here? Thank you for the hugs. What a space to be in... 

[Destiny09]

Feeling the same illusion.  Appreciate this forum; that I am not alone; thoughts, feelings, emotions, situations. The more I read, the more I realize I am not alone into how I fell into the situation and how hard it is to get out once you have fallen. 
If he won’t leave is BS and you won’t leave your H, than it is time to move on. I am moving forward with my divorce; my AP knows he has to make a choice. Am I prepared to walk away with NC? I hope so; of course the other part hopes he will leave his GF and be with me.  Reality tells me she won’t let him go and not sure if he is truly ready to leave. I told him Jan 1st.  Good luck! 

[SS2855]

16 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

Feeling the same illusion.  Appreciate this forum; that I am not alone; thoughts, feelings, emotions, situations. The more I read, the more I realize I am not alone into how I fell into the situation and how hard it is to get out once you have fallen. 
If he won’t leave is BS and you won’t leave your H, than it is time to move on. I am moving forward with my divorce; my AP knows he has to make a choice. Am I prepared to walk away with NC? I hope so; of course the other part hopes he will leave his GF and be with me.  Reality tells me she won’t let him go and not sure if he is truly ready to leave. I told him Jan 1st.  Good luck! 

It is so hard to get out of. For me I’m hoping for the slow fizzle even though it’s killing me. I’m holding back on initiating contact- I know it’s not NC but a start. I need to shift the focus to my impending divorce. Been dragging on ending my marriage for so long and need to do it so I can be free for a legitimate partnership. Big hugs.

[Destiny09]

@SS2855 how are things? 
AP has pulled away last couple of days from me.  He won’t say, but I know he is with GF.  He goes the typical silence; no text, no talk When he is with her. Whereas it is usually text/talk several times throughout day. He already told me he won’t be around tonight. Not sure why I put up with this, but yes I do.  Because he was just saying all the “stuff” 2 days ago (what a sucker I am).  
I can’t say or do anything when he is spending time with the GF. She is the priority.  He tells me that I am, then why doesn’t he leave her? All the thoughts that go through my head; what they are doing, etc. 
How do you cope? 

[BaileyB]

If his words tell you one thing Destiny, and his actions tell you another - which should you believe? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If his words tell you one thing Destiny, and his actions tell you another - which should you believe? 

As an example, a man tells me that he loves me and that I am his priority... but then, spends his weekend evenings partying with his friends, or going to the bar to listen to music and meet other women... what would you think? Would you think that he placed a lot of value in your relationship? If he put other people ahead of you and chose to spend time with them, while you are home alone? 

Edited September 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Destiny09]

I asked AP to be honest when he is out with his GF.  He didn’t tell me he was today/tonight and I found out( always do... it’s called social media). When I texted and asked him, no response. I just asked him to be honest. Be upfront. How does he say he loves me and misses me this morning? Then lies and spends entire day/night with his GF? Then he can’t even admit to it? I feel like such a piece of sh*t right now. I believed this liar. He says he is waiting for my divorce to be final. But, he stays with his GF? And keeps the romance between them going. He is not leaving her. But, tells me lies. Action do speak louder than words. He won’t even kiss me(Saving  it for her, I guess).  He was kissing me until last month. Now, nothing. Slowly fading away.  He says he didn’t lie. Says He loves me and GF.  Make a choice, right? 

Edited September 5, 2020 by Destiny09

[SS2855]

2 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

 

I asked AP to be honest when he is out with his GF.  He didn’t tell me he was today/tonight and I found out( always do... it’s called social media). When I texted and asked him, no response. I just asked him to be honest. Be upfront. How does he say he loves me and misses me this morning? Then lies and spends entire day/night with his GF? Then he can’t even admit to it? I feel like such a piece of sh*t right now. I believed this liar. He says he is waiting for my divorce to be final.

 

I posted about a similar experience with my AP. One evening he blew up my phone with declarations of love that were stronger than ever, and the very next evening he was tagged in a post celebrating his spouse’s bday - pictures looking like the perfect couple. I thought “How can he just be having a date night like no big deal when just 18 hours ago he was telling me he loved me and was lost without me??” At that point, like you, we can feel upset and like s***, understandably, but we know these men’s situations so we also shouldn’t expect they treat us as the priority. That’s the obvious pain brought on by these experiences isn’t it? We feel the illusion of having a traditional relationship at times, until things like this make us realize that yes, we are by and large the other woman- not the primary relationship. I’ve also learned talk is cheap. He can feel all those things but not want to make any changes. 

[SS2855]

@Destiny09 I am doing ok. It varies. MM is back from vacation and we’ve met for lunch. The feelings are still very intense but I’m in this head space of acceptance of what is and what will never be. Of course I’ve felt this before only to find myself a basket case just weeks after I felt very in control. I’m trying to keep minimal contact. I know it’s not helpful unless it’s NC but trying to hang on to this acceptance phase of knowing what is and leaving hope or what ifs behind.  It’s not easy but if u peel all the layers back you’ll see the relationship for what it is and can decide if you can handle it. I’m almost lucky in a way my AP never fed me lines about leaving. Your AP has made these affirmations to you so I can’t imagine the anxiety in that  

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

Make a choice, right? 

He has made a choice. Just because it is not the result you wanted does not mean that he has not made a choice.

As Dr Phil says, how do you know if he’s lying? If his lips are moving...

Edited September 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Destiny09]

I agree that he has made he choice. I said that to him before, and he tells me that I am priority & he sees me more than GF. And then days like yesterday (date day/night out of town) happens and he didn’t even tell me when I asked. Actually, he hasn’t even admitted to me he was with her!!! But they were together; romantically.  

I blew up his phone last night with angry  text messages of how he has lied, can’t  be honest, and ignored me all day/night. 
He just said he didn’t lie, I am making stuff up in my head and to relax (whatever).  

He texted me several times already this morning.  We are supposed to meet later today to “figure things out”.  He says I have no right to be mad (whatever again). 

What questions should I ask? I want to know his plans with his GF?  With us? 
Is that ok to ask? I know he will throw my marriage back at me(it’s officially over in Dec...everything done, but I live in a state where you have a waiting period & covid delayed it by 2 months). I told him the difference is that my H knows we are done.  His GF still believes all is good. 

I won’t stay around if he plans to try and keep us both. I won’t be friends with him.  
What if he says “ I don’t know what my plans are with the GF”. Or us? 

As the OW who wants a relationship with the OM, what do I need to know, ask, if I don’t want to be the OW indefinitely.  

 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

What questions should I ask? I want to know his plans with his GF?  With us? 

But here’s the thing, you can’t believe a word he says. He proved that to you last night, and again this morning. What’s more,  you know that he lies to his girlfriend about you every single day. The man is not capable of the truth. So what do you hope to accomplish with this conversation - he continues to deny, minimize, and blames shift.

You want to know his plans for the future - more of the same. He lies to you, you can’t trust him. He wants to have both of you, and he has chosen to stay with his girlfriend! If you want to continue this - he is with her, you are on the side, wondering where he is and who he is having sex with tonight... go talk to him. Maybe he’ll tell you again that it’s you he loves, that he will ultimately leave her... someday... maybe he will kick the can further down the road. Will that make you happy? 

What if by some chance he did choose you? How could you trust that he’s not lying to you and seeing the other woman? You shouldn’t. This man is not capable of the truth. 

Personally, I would ask nothing - he can’t lie to me if I’m not there. I would be done. 

 

Edited September 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[HowToQuit]

6 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

I blew up his phone last night with angry  text messages of how he has lied, can’t  be honest, and ignored me all day/night. 
He just said he didn’t lie, I am making stuff up in my head and to relax (whatever).  

Very emotional move and he is gaslighting you (making stuff Up in your head, relax, etc). There is really only one solution to this madness and you may not like it but you know what it is....Take yourself out of this situation as for as long as you are blowing up his phone, nothing will change in your favour.

Edited September 5, 2020 by HowToQuit
Grammar

[BaileyB]

Did you meet with him Destiny? How did it go?

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

As the OW who wants a relationship with the OM, what do I need to know, ask, if I don’t want to be the OW indefinitely. 

I personally don't think LS is a particularly good forum for answers to this question. There is not a lot of emphasis on "winning the AP" + only a few "successful OWs" posting and they don't post that frequently. You might try another another forum, such as truesupport or even reddit's adultery subforum.

That's not to say the points being made above, such as why would you trust him etc, aren't valid ones. They are certainly things you should be putting a lot of thought into.

From what I've read, sometimes if you force a choice upon an AP - me or him/her, they decide to leave and choose you. My understanding, though, is that much more often than not, they will choose to stay. One of the ironies of affairs is that if a married AP is unhappy, the affair tends to make their marriage more tolerable for them (and so increase the chance they will stay).

Furthermore, at the risk of stating the obvious, getting divorced is often a huge PIA as well as expensive, difficult on kids, and usually at least somewhat traumatic for everyone involved. Practical matters often supersede sentiment in human affairs, and so an AP who's actually only somewhat unhappy in the marriage or is having the affair primarily for excitement/"extra" is very unlikely to leave.

There are also posters who's AP's have actually moved out to be with them, only to eventually return to their spouse. Or start cheating on the "successful" AP. And stories of APs who divorce but then play the dating field instead of staying with the other AP.

All in all, it's not a particularly good wager from what I understand.

Edited September 5, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

On 7/23/2020 at 10:32 PM, Destiny09 said:

 I see him about 2 times a week, for  a couple of hours at his work; when no one is there. 
He says “we are not a couple” and I have no right to get mad and upset when he cancels to hang with her or his friends.

Of all the OW on these forums I guess Destiny you are one of the least likely to win your man.
You are the "hidden away in an empty office at work" woman, he may throw you a few crumbs to keep you around but he is going nowhere. 
He is 62, he won't want to leave his gf for some woman he has a secret "appointment" with twice a week...
He has now pulled right back...  you need to take the hint.
You are more trouble to him than you are worth, I am sorry to say.

 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

He won’t even kiss me.  He was kissing me until last month. Now, nothing.

This also makes me think there is nothing worth fighting for. I would say he is keeping you around and trying to keep you happy for sex, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Not sure what he is getting out of this relationship now to be honest, except a demanding woman who thinks that she entitled to things like his time, his honesty, his love and affection. All good, except he has another woman in his life who also wants the same things...

[Watercolors]

On 5/4/2020 at 11:39 PM, SS2855 said:

Is this the roller coaster?  We’re very close and I’m usually the one that holds back. Btw this has been through the duration of the last couple years. 

How you cope is based on what your end-goal with this MM affair is. Do you want him to marry you? Become the step-dad to your children? 
 

On 5/8/2020 at 12:58 AM, SS2855 said:

For MM it upset him greatly and the entire weekend he tried to convey to me how painful it was for him to witness this man making all these moves while he couldn’t say or do anything.

This is him manipulating you. Because you allow him to. Why do you allow him to emotionally manipulate this way? 

I get that your current husband and you are going through a divorce b/c that marriage failed you both. But, assuming you are an intelligent person, you know that affair partners LIE to their other affair partners to emotionally manipulate them don't you? 

How can any of us advise you how to cope. A marriage counselor is a better source for that question. Have you seen a therapist in the past 2 years during your affair with MM at all to ask this question? What do you want the outcome to be, barring nothing bad happens to anyone? 

[Destiny09]

I asked AP his intentions; where does he see this going? What are his plans with his GF? He said he “hasn’t thought about it”.  And because I am still married, he doesn’t have to do anything because I am not available. 
He has no intentions of leaving his GF. No kids, no financial obligations. They even just rent a house(well, he pays, and she stays for free).   Nothing in joint names. 
He says, the are like roommates.  
I don’t understand why he stays. 
But, he does and will. 
I am pulling back little by little. 
And so is he. If I ask to see him, he asks “why? “ How sad is that? I just texted him and told him if should not be why, but when.  Regardless of an affair, he tested the waters with me and has shown me “he’s just not into me”. 
He told me we don’t have s relationship. His relationship is with his GF.  That hurt. But it is  the truth.  
I am feeling hurt and sad. 
 

Edited September 7, 2020 by Destiny09

[BaileyB]

When people show you who they are, you are wise to believe them. 

It’s not your place to understand why he stays. It is only important for you to accept the fact that he is choosing to staying with her. 

I don’t buy his line that you are not “available” because you are still married. The truth is, you are more “available” than he is at the moment. Your relationship has ended, just waiting for the lawyers to do their thing... He is still very much committed to his girlfriend. 

When you ask to meet a man and he says “why,” you have to accept that he does not want a relationship with you. It’s not a reflection of your worth and value as a person or a relationship partner, he just simply doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Stop chasing a man who has told you, he does not want to be with you. There will be another, no doubt, who does want to be with you. No need to chase this guy who has told you it’s not to be. 

Focus on getting the divorce done. And focus on your children. And get yourself to counselling. Those should be your priorities now. Good luck.

Edited September 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[Destiny09]

Yes, all correct in your post.  Forget the why and just see he is committed to her. 
They have relationship, we don’t. 
 I should  see and hear the obvious. Stop living in the “fantasy”.   
The more I chase, the more I look like a fool.  The more reason I give him to stay with his GF (his comfort zone where she doesn’t cause any waves, demands  like I do). 
Again, last night, I sent him text messages; not of anger, just how hurt I was of his comment “we don’t have a relationship”. And in response to all his comments that “I have nothing to hold onto: no hope, no promises, no intentions of him leaving his GF, no future.”
I have asked and he has never promised me anything.  
I have been trying to keep myself busy with outside interests as you mentioned (Kids, work, friends, etc).  I am in IC.  

When I am with AP, we have so much fun, talking, laughing, etc.  Since we stopped kissing, I actually feel more engaged with the EA.  I am very physically & emotionally attached to him. I tell myself every day not to reach out to him, not to plan or ask to see him. But to stop the anxiety of losing him, I text, call and ask to see him again.  
It’s such a vicious cycle.  

I do feel myself pushing him away as I can’t stand losing my self esteem, self worth.  That could be why I have been texting him upset. It’s almost a sub conscience way of me pushing so he will end it and take care of me having to take the step of NC.  It’s like if he stops it all, I have no choice but to end.  If I end, I am left wondering if I should have tried to stay, does he still want me, maybe I should have waited for him longer to see how great I am and he would have left his GF, etc.  

Reading the posts helps. 
Thanks. 

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

When I am with AP, we have so much fun, talking, laughing, etc.  Since we stopped kissing, I actually feel more engaged with the EA.  I am very physically & emotionally attached to him.

The thing is Destiny, you can and should find this with a single man. It will be so much better than what you have now because you will know you can trust him and you will both build a future - together. 
 

Quote

If I end, I am left wondering if I should have tried to stay, does he still want me, maybe I should have waited for him longer to see how great I am and he would have left his GF, etc.  

What has he done that would indicate this is a possibility? Because I agree, and I say this with kindness, the longer you chase a man who is saying “we don’t have a relationship” you do look like a fool. I say, keep your dignity and look forward, not back.