What's with married guys in dating sites?

[datingvirgin]

Ya'll I have been seeing a lot of recently single(more like married) guys on the dating sites. Some are a clear red flag - issues with calling their xx names and easy to rule out.

But then there are some, where it's not so straight forward.

Example,  Cute guy, honest to an extent, well educated and responsive on texts and follows through with plans so far. We only video chatted twice in two weeks but he separated from his wife (which he told me in the second video date) last September. He is couch surfing with friends and says he likes that and has been doing that since he was a kid (not sure how to take this). He hasn't still moved to my city, we matched because he put his location in my city with the App. Job based move, says his ex is moving to another city. I like him and am attracted to him and I think its mutual as well so far (given that we didn't meet in person yet). 

I asked him some very serious questions like:

me: Why haven't you filed for divorce? him: He wanted to file in Texas rather than California(which is where he is moving from). He got a job in my city and she got job in a different city. He need to be 6 months resident in the state to file for divorce.

me : What if your ex wants to get back together? him: I'll be honest I'll have to think about it. I don't think we are as we are moving to different cities. Its easier to say "f her" but that I want to be honest.

me: Are you guys trying to figure out if separation will lead to divorce? Why are you separated? him: She just said its not working anymore, maybe she has someone but I wouldn't know.  She has moved on and is moving to another city and so am I. 

me: do your friends know? him: yes

me: what are you looking for? him: LTR 

me: when did you get married? him: when he was 23 and he is currently 36. No kids.

 I'm a bit scared to get involved as I don't want to get hurt. I can see myself liking him, he is my type totally. Our love languages match our political views match and we both are intellectual. 

I'm really torn here! Need advice!

Sometimes I think " I'm so picky and wont ever find anyone if I dont give them a chance" Sometimes I think "What if he wants to get back with her and this is just a experiment phase"

 

 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by datingvirgin

[preraph]

Wake up girl! No you don't get involved! Men trying to cheat on their women make up all kinds of lies. She's cheating. We never have sex anymore. I'm only staying for the kids. 

 

It really doesn't matter what his spiel is. He's married so what you already know even if that is the simple truth is that he is out looking to replace his wife while he is still married and that makes him a POS. 

 

There's a billion guys in the world. Block him and be done with it.

[central]

You can get hurt by someone who is completely single or completely divorced.  You can get involved and they can still decide that they don't want a relationship with you, or use you until it's obvious they have no intention to commit.  They can even go back to an ex who gets back in contact, but it's less likely.

I dated separated women (as well as single and divorced) and evaluated each on their own merits and situation.  If there were too many or large risks, I'd move on immediately, otherwise I'd take a chance.  I was also separated and dating.  There was no chance I'd go back with my ex, but of course some of the women I dated feared that anyway.  Oh well!  I took a chance on a woman who was divorced and still living with a recent ex-boyfriend, and she took a chance on me.  We worked out and have had a truly great relationship for a long time now.  It's all about taking calculated risks - there are NO risk-free dates.

Of course, those who are probably cheating on their wives and still living with them are a far greater risk in many ways, not least of which is that they're liars.

Edited June 18, 2020 by central

[Ruby Slippers]

One of my dating rules has always been this: Absolutely no separated men and no men who've been divorced less than a year. The separated guy is still LEGALLY MARRIED to another woman, so that's a total no go. The guy divorced less than a year definitely hasn't had time to get over it, and nobody wants to deal with that mess.

I've never deviated from this rule and I've still had plenty of men to pick from at every age.

[Fletch Lives]

Don't mess with him if he's not local.........you need to be able to visit his place to see that he's not still living with his wife. Plus, he's freshly separated and probably not over the marriage yet.

Don't play with people who aren't local and you can't see to verify things. You are not picky enough or about the right things.

[datingvirgin]

6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Don't mess with him if he's not local.........you need to be able to visit his place to see that he's not still living with his wife. Plus, he's freshly separated and probably not over the marriage yet.

Don't play with people who aren't local and you can't see to verify things. You are not picky enough or about the right things.

Maybe I didnt explain this well enough.

He is a local now but he was in the process of moving when we matched.

Edited June 18, 2020 by datingvirgin

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, datingvirgin said:

I'm really torn here! Need advice!

As long as he needs the state to sort out his liberty from this marriage contract, I'd stay away from him til he's got that heavy lift handled.

They may never finalize the divorce.

[Ami1uwant]

With divorce....

i don’t know what is different between TX and CA in divorce. Both are community property states.

They likely have different timelines on getting divorced.  Some stay married for various reasons unrelated to the marriage such as for health insurance

im assuming he hasn’t lied to you.  Becareful and check to see if he is separate like going to his house unannounced.

 

if they got married at the same age you can be different people at 30 than at 23.

 

 

 

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

 

me : What if your ex wants to get back together? him: I'll be honest I'll have to think about it. I don't think we are as we are moving to different cities. Its easier to say "f her" but that I want to be honest.

 

Honestly , I’m sure you both get along and are a great match. He can probably see that too, but I think with what you’ve been told, you’ve essentially been warned (for a better choice of words, whether that’s what he meant or not) that he’s not able to fully commit emotionally right now.
I bet you any money he’s still holding a flame of some sort , no matter how small. Cos if that was me (not married yet tho cos who would just settle) I would file for divorce the moment I knew it wasn’t what I wanted anymore, it’s how I would move on. Dragging it out for 6 months extra just sounds like an excuse to hold on to the possibility. 

 This guys ex wife , by what you wrote it sounds like she’s the one who pulled the pin on the relationship. If so, he’s the one that will have been left feeling rejected and essentially forced to move on.  I don’t think he had bargained to meet someone like you, but I do worry that you’re more invested than he is. Right now he’s damaged goods too he takes care of moving on by divorcing this woman.  
 

I could be totally wrong , and really- you’re the only one that knows him well enough to make a properly informed decision on whether it’s for you or not. Trust your intuition 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Fox Sake

[datingvirgin]

Guys...I'm going to be single for a long time arghhh

I know you are right and I know I should not but what is wrong with me! Its been two years since I have been divorced and I havent found one guy to get down with 

Okay tell me what to text him to ensure he knows I'm interested but only if he is a free man...but not in a mean way but in a way that he wants to become that...

 

[smackie9]

He's going to tell you whatever you want to hear...that's why everyone has been jumping up and down trying to get their point across. It's not a good idea to take this any further. Desperation makes one make poor decisions.

[elaine567]

Be careful.

8 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

He is couch surfing with friends and says he likes that and has been doing that since he was a kid (not sure how to take this).

He is essentially homeless.
He may be looking for a gullible woman who will give him a place to stay.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

me : What if your ex wants to get back together? him: I'll be honest I'll have to think about it. I don't think we are as we are moving to different cities. Its easier to say "f her" but that I want to be honest.

me: Are you guys trying to figure out if separation will lead to divorce? Why are you separated? him: She just said its not working anymore, maybe she has someone but I wouldn't

He's told you straight up that he is not finished with his ex.  He's willing to contemplate a reconciliation, even, if she is willing. 

2 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

Okay tell me what to text him to ensure he knows I'm interested but only if he is a free man...but not in a mean way but in a way that he wants to become that...

He's already told you that he's not fully disengaged from the ex and there is nothing you can text him that will change that. 

[divegrl]

Tell him 

 

“ I would love to get to know you better; please reach out to me when your divorce is finalized”.

 

[Miss Spider]

19 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

Ya'll I have been seeing a lot of recently single(more like married) guys on the dating sites. What if he wants to get back with her and this is just a experiment phase"

 

 

 

 

Well the ‘experiment’ phase is a huge risk you take by dating someone fresh out of a marriage /LTR (according to him) You haven’t been on one date yet. You know very little if anything about this man. 

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, datingvirgin said:

Guys...I'm going to be single for a long time arghhh

I know you are right and I know I should not but what is wrong with me! Its been two years since I have been divorced and I havent found one guy to get down with 

Okay tell me what to text him to ensure he knows I'm interested but only if he is a free man...but not in a mean way but in a way that he wants to become that...

 

 

Contact me when you have signed divorce papers that I can see.

[Azincourt]

On 6/18/2020 at 4:40 PM, datingvirgin said:

Ya'll I have been seeing a lot of recently single(more like married) guys on the dating sites. Some are a clear red flag - issues with calling their xx names and easy to rule out.

But then there are some, where it's not so straight forward.

Example,  Cute guy, honest to an extent, well educated and responsive on texts and follows through with plans so far. We only video chatted twice in two weeks but he separated from his wife (which he told me in the second video date) last September. He is couch surfing with friends and says he likes that and has been doing that since he was a kid (not sure how to take this). He hasn't still moved to my city, we matched because he put his location in my city with the App. Job based move, says his ex is moving to another city. I like him and am attracted to him and I think its mutual as well so far (given that we didn't meet in person yet). 

I asked him some very serious questions like:

me: Why haven't you filed for divorce? him: He wanted to file in Texas rather than California(which is where he is moving from). He got a job in my city and she got job in a different city. He need to be 6 months resident in the state to file for divorce.

me : What if your ex wants to get back together? him: I'll be honest I'll have to think about it. I don't think we are as we are moving to different cities. Its easier to say "f her" but that I want to be honest.

me: Are you guys trying to figure out if separation will lead to divorce? Why are you separated? him: She just said its not working anymore, maybe she has someone but I wouldn't know.  She has moved on and is moving to another city and so am I. 

me: do your friends know? him: yes

me: what are you looking for? him: LTR 

me: when did you get married? him: when he was 23 and he is currently 36. No kids.

 I'm a bit scared to get involved as I don't want to get hurt. I can see myself liking him, he is my type totally. Our love languages match our political views match and we both are intellectual. 

I'm really torn here! Need advice!

Sometimes I think " I'm so picky and wont ever find anyone if I dont give them a chance" Sometimes I think "What if he wants to get back with her and this is just a experiment phase"

 

 

They're probably in sexless marriages. One woman I dated years ago was an escort and she told me the bulk of her client-body were married men. Their wives either stopped being interested in having sex, or they stopped having sex with them, and apparently a divorce is a rather messy, expensive ordeal, and these guys would rather keep the wives and to try to get sex on the side.

 

On 6/18/2020 at 4:40 PM, datingvirgin said:

 

 

 

 

[preraph]

Almost any man will cheat if they truly believe their woman won't find out.  So that's why married men cheat with escorts because they can't trust anyone else to not go around telling, although there have been plenty instances of an escort been blackmailing them to keep their mouth shut.

 

It's hard for women to respect a man who thinks having sex is more important than everything else to do with raising a family. 

[Azincourt]

15 minutes ago, preraph said:

Almost any man will cheat if they truly believe their woman won't find out.  So that's why married men cheat with escorts because they can't trust anyone else to not go around telling, although there have been plenty instances of an escort been blackmailing them to keep their mouth shut.

 

It's hard for women to respect a man who thinks having sex is more important than everything else to do with raising a family. 

Hmm, that's a broad statement.

I have ''cheated'' on girlfriends, as I don't believe in following old, archaic social constructs(monogamy/sexual fidelity) and sure, there's plenty of men who will sleep with women who aren't their girlfriends and wives. But to state almost any man would sleep with someone who isn't their wives or girlfriends, and the reason they don't do it is because they can't afford an escort or because they're afraid their wives will find out?

That's kinda like me saying every woman is a gold-digger because a fashion model/TV actress I dated years ago dumped me for a 57 year old Danny Devito lookalike because he's a  TV executive making millions of dollars a year.

Lots and lots of men are only interested in the women they are with and won't accept the sexual interest of foreign women to the relationship they're in.

Hmm, I dunno about respect. A girlfriend respecting me doesn't pay my bills. A girlfriend respecting me doesn't get me sex. I would rather much that women lack any respect for me while having sex with me, than being respected by women and having the sex life of Pope Francis.

Why is raising a family important?

The world's overpopulated. We're suffering the effects of global change, and it  will only become worse and worse decades from now. The world's economy collapses in it's entirety every 10 years or so. Most guys would need to sell a kidney to be able to get the money for a downpayment on some shabby little home, and that's the entrance price. Then there's the whole ''spending the next 30 years '' paying for a house that the dude will have for a decade or so, before he either dies or is sent to a retirement home because he's too frail to take care of himself.

Having a child is like spending money on the lottery. Except you spend 2.50 euros on a lottery ticket, you lose, and your life goes on. That ain't your life savings you just spent. But a child? What if he's born mentally or physically defective? What if he ends up growing up to become a thug?  What if never ammounts to much?  It costs like 300,000 dollars to raise a kid to adulthood in the states, and that's in the median-priced areas of the US. You want to have a son in Los Angeles?  Your name better be Ryan Gosling.

Being a father and a husband probably meant something 50 years ago. These days..  Nah, I'd rather buy a Playstation 5 and hit the gym and chill.

On the other hand... if I was 100% guaranteed a son of mine would grow to become the next Cristiano Ronaldo or the next Brad Pitt. But I have as much of a chance of fathering a god, as I have of winning the Euromillions lottery. If I had a son he'd probably be as mediocre as his father(I ain't rich and I'm not as attractive as Brad Pitt) so why bother.

Edited June 20, 2020 by Azincourt

[kendahke]

On 6/18/2020 at 6:14 PM, datingvirgin said:

Guys...I'm going to be single for a long time arghhh

I know you are right and I know I should not but what is wrong with me! Its been two years since I have been divorced and I havent found one guy to get down with 

Okay tell me what to text him to ensure he knows I'm interested but only if he is a free man...but not in a mean way but in a way that he wants to become that...

 

"Call me when you've got an executed divorce decree. If I'm free, I'll let you know and we can take it from there. Ciao."

[kendahke]

On 6/18/2020 at 8:03 PM, elaine567 said:

Be careful.

He is essentially homeless.
He may be looking for a gullible woman who will give him a place to stay.

Exactly--this is why he's grooming you with sweet words right now.

[datingvirgin]

On 6/20/2020 at 10:15 AM, preraph said:

Almost any man will cheat if they truly believe their woman won't find out.  So that's why married men cheat with escorts because they can't trust anyone else to not go around telling, although there have been plenty instances of an escort been blackmailing them to keep their mouth shut.

 

It's hard for women to respect a man who thinks having sex is more important than everything else to do with raising a family. 

Agree on this. 

He sends me pictures of his family and I ask if they know about him and his wife separation. He says yes. Well what its worth I will meet him once in person to see if I even am attracted to him in person. After that I will just let me know what I cant continue without a proper divorce...at-least I know if sending this text is even worth it. I might meet him and not be attracted at all  

[datingvirgin]

On 6/18/2020 at 7:03 PM, elaine567 said:

Be careful.

He is essentially homeless.
He may be looking for a gullible woman who will give him a place to stay.

Well how does that happen, he is a ENT surgeon, I would think he had his s*** together. 

 

[datingvirgin]

On 6/20/2020 at 10:29 AM, Azincourt said:

Hmm, that's a broad statement.

I have ''cheated'' on girlfriends, as I don't believe in following old, archaic social constructs(monogamy/sexual fidelity) and sure, there's plenty of men who will sleep with women who aren't their girlfriends and wives. But to state almost any man would sleep with someone who isn't their wives or girlfriends, and the reason they don't do it is because they can't afford an escort or because they're afraid their wives will find out?

That's kinda like me saying every woman is a gold-digger because a fashion model/TV actress I dated years ago dumped me for a 57 year old Danny Devito lookalike because he's a  TV executive making millions of dollars a year.

Lots and lots of men are only interested in the women they are with and won't accept the sexual interest of foreign women to the relationship they're in.

Hmm, I dunno about respect. A girlfriend respecting me doesn't pay my bills. A girlfriend respecting me doesn't get me sex. I would rather much that women lack any respect for me while having sex with me, than being respected by women and having the sex life of Pope Francis.

Why is raising a family important?

The world's overpopulated. We're suffering the effects of global change, and it  will only become worse and worse decades from now. The world's economy collapses in it's entirety every 10 years or so. Most guys would need to sell a kidney to be able to get the money for a downpayment on some shabby little home, and that's the entrance price. Then there's the whole ''spending the next 30 years '' paying for a house that the dude will have for a decade or so, before he either dies or is sent to a retirement home because he's too frail to take care of himself.

Having a child is like spending money on the lottery. Except you spend 2.50 euros on a lottery ticket, you lose, and your life goes on. That ain't your life savings you just spent. But a child? What if he's born mentally or physically defective? What if he ends up growing up to become a thug?  What if never ammounts to much?  It costs like 300,000 dollars to raise a kid to adulthood in the states, and that's in the median-priced areas of the US. You want to have a son in Los Angeles?  Your name better be Ryan Gosling.

Being a father and a husband probably meant something 50 years ago. These days..  Nah, I'd rather buy a Playstation 5 and hit the gym and chill.

On the other hand... if I was 100% guaranteed a son of mine would grow to become the next Cristiano Ronaldo or the next Brad Pitt. But I have as much of a chance of fathering a god, as I have of winning the Euromillions lottery. If I had a son he'd probably be as mediocre as his father(I ain't rich and I'm not as attractive as Brad Pitt) so why bother.

Very interesting perspective.

I might not agree with some aspects of your statement above but understand it.

Admiration for ones partner and respect will translate to great connection and one that could also lead to long term sexual satisfaction with your partner. At-least here is to hoping for that! 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, datingvirgin said:

Well how does that happen, he is a ENT surgeon, I would think he had his s*** together. 

If he is couch surfing he obviously doesn't have his sh^t together. 
Is he actually working?
Does he have other issues?
Is he really an ENT surgeon?.