Messed up pretty badly. told her ball is in her court

June 18, 2020

Good evening!

I have been dating this girl for a little over 3 weeks now and things were going great.. almost too perfect until I think I screwed it up. Little back story.... We had sex on the first date and she stayed the night at my house. We then had sex again in the morning. We ended up hanging out 2 days later and then hung out every other day (at least) for the next 3 weeks. It was crazy but we both initiated things equally. It just seemed right.. We stayed the night at each other's house 6 or 7 times even during the week when we both had to get up for work and had sex probably 10 times. Were were basically infatuated with one another. Things were spiraling towards a relationship or so they seemed to be.

Now on to our backgrounds..

- She is 29. She got out of a 2 year relationship 5 months ago where she was living with her boyfriend and his daughter. She broke up with him because he was being selfish but it was really tough for her. She has also been dealing with work problems (her boss sucks) and she talks about how ashamed she is of her profession and how she wants to find more of a purpose in life.. Basically in a mini midlife crisis.

- I am 31. have been single now for over 2 years and she knows that. Things are going really well in my life with work and pretty much everything else. I told her I don't mind the single life at and will never settle but would love to find that person some day.

Fast forward to the other day.

We were hanging out and I could sense she was really stressed about her work and everything going on in her life, so I joked that I had to come along and make things even more complex.. she agreed jokingly and then we started to have a real serious talk.. She explained how she was scared about how serious things have been getting.. I told her I understand and that maybe we should give it some time so she can really think about what she wants out of all of this. She sort of agreed with tears in her eyes. A lot came crashing down on her in that moment.. we talked for another hour with her getting pretty emotional at times and then we parted ways..

She then texted me 3 hours later (midnight while I was asleep) saying "just want you to know I've been thinking about you."

I took this as her answer that she probably wanted to get serious (maybe I'm dumb..well probably). I texted her the next day (wouldn't have if she didn't say she was thinking about me) and we talked a bit but she took a long time to respond to things.. I felt like I was getting really mixed signals. I told her to call me the next night and we talked about all that was going on with her work and then I asked her what her schedule was like the next few days. She started listing off all the things she was doing over the next 7 days and it seemed like she had no desire to hang out with me anytime soon. I sensed this so I told her "I am going to put the ball in your court. If you want to see me again then just text me". I didn't get upset with it at all in my tone but I was pretty blunt. I then told her to have a good week and a good weekend and then we said bye.. Looking back I feel like I metaphorically drew a line in the sand and pushed her to a decision about everything (which she is definitely not ready for)..

I'm definitely going to give it a week or so and if I don't hear from her I might send a text that says something from the heart about how I understand she is going through a lot but that I am thinking about her.. or that I didn't mean to draw a line in the sand about us, but where we were headed just seemed serious the way we were hanging out so much.. What do you all think? I really appreciate any advice.

June 18, 2020

I think you did the right thing, the ball is in her court if she wants to see you again she will reach out. I think she just needs space and you seem to be giving it to her. If you don’t hear from her in a week then go ahead and send that text, but be prepared that you may not get the response you want. Good luck, hope it works out!

June 18, 2020

3 hours ago, Brink007 said:

I'm definitely going to give it a week or so and if I don't hear from her I might send a text that says something from the heart about how I understand she is going through a lot but that I am thinking about her.. or that I didn't mean to draw a line in the sand about us, but where we were headed just seemed serious the way we were hanging out so much.. What do you all think? I really appreciate any advice.

Too long so I didn't read your entire text. But to sum it up, whenever you "know" a woman has lost a significant amount of interest in you, the best thing you can do is to let her decide whether or not she wants to keep seeing you, or "put the ball in her court" in your language. So at this point, you did the correct thing.

The only part that concerned me was the quoted part.

You don't wait for "a week" (or a month or a year or whatever) and then send her a heartfelt wall of text. You don't. Because when the ball has already been in her court, it's either she contacts you ON HER OWN WILL or NOTHING. You STOP making any moves from this moment on.

Goodluck.

Edited June 18, 2020 by manfrombelow

June 18, 2020

I think you handled it perfectly. You may or may not hear from her, but please reassure yourself that you did nothing wrong.

June 18, 2020

You did the right thing. You did not forced her into anything, she had already made the decision she was not going to insert you in her schedule.

I also agree to NOT send her a message or call her again. Like manfrombelow said *the ball is in HER court*, from here you drop it and move on with your life.

This woman has broken up with you, you just haven't got the memo yet.

All the ingredients were reunited for this relationship to abord.

June 18, 2020

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think you handled it perfectly. You may or may not hear from her, but please reassure yourself that you did nothing wrong.

I agreed. I don't think there's much else you could have done.

I think it's likely too much, too soon, and she's realizing she isn't ready to date more seriously. You both could have pumped the brakes here. Diving right in right away often doesn't work out, because folks often do this to fill a void rather than out of genuine desire and preparedness to date someone.

June 18, 2020

keep the heart felt sappy stuff out of it. Be kool, laid back, stop focusing any conversation on "us", let her take the lead.....let go of the leash buddy and she will come back.

June 18, 2020

10 hours ago, Brink007 said:

She then texted me 3 hours later (midnight while I was asleep) saying "just want you to know I've been thinking about you."

I took this as her answer that she probably wanted to get serious (maybe I'm dumb..well probably). I texted her the next day (wouldn't have if she didn't say she was thinking about me) and we talked a bit but she took a long time to respond to things

Looking back I feel like I metaphorically drew a line in the sand and pushed her to a decision about everything (which she is definitely not ready for)..

You didn't elaborate on what you texted her, or what you were talking about, as her response times took longer.

I'm guessing you sort of dumped your feelings on her and asked her to be your girlfriend, at a pretty formative, premature stage in your courtship. If you do this before a girl is in love with you, it will backfire and repel her. I think that's what happened here.

The reason it repels her is because it demonstrates insecurity and neediness. When you want a commitment and a relationship more than a woman does, and you try to rush things, her attraction for you lowers.

The common consensus is that it will take more like 3-6 months before a girl falls in love with you and wants a committed relationship. For some it's much sooner, for some it's much longer. But for the most part, having the "talk" 3 weeks in is too much too soon.

Typically, it's better to wait for clear signals that she wants to have the "talk." She will either outright ask "what are we?" or say things like "I don't know what this is" or "I don't know where this is going." That's a green light for you to broach the topic directly.

Her saying things like "I'm thinking of you" or "I miss you" are simply expressions of her feelings in that moment, not a request for an exclusive relationship.

But otherwise, you are handling the fallout well. If the ball is in her court, it stays in her court until she hits it back. You don't ask for it back.

The best way for her to clarify her confusion about her feelings for you is for you to walk away and disappear. Give her the gift of your absence. If she never contacts you again, it's over.

If you simply disappear, though, I'll bet money that she will reach out at some point.

June 18, 2020

11 hours ago, Brink007 said:

She then texted me 3 hours later (midnight while I was asleep) saying "just want you to know I've been thinking about you."

I took this as her answer that she probably wanted to get serious (maybe I'm dumb..well probably). I texted her the next day (wouldn't have if she didn't say she was thinking about me) and we talked a bit but she took a long time to respond to things.. I felt like I was getting really mixed signals.

Hey Brink, can you explain how, in your mind, "I'm thinking about you" translated to "she wants to get serious"?

I'm really curious about your thought process as it seems like a huge leap!

I echo what rjc149 asked, what did your text message following that say?

My guess is whatever you texted, is the reason she is distancing herself now.

But agree with everyone, you're doing the right thing by leaving her be.

if she wants to continue dating you, she knows where to find you.

Edited June 18, 2020 by poppyfields

June 18, 2020

I think the way you handled it was perfectly reasonable, with the "ball in your court" text. If she does not text you again after that, I do not think you should text her again. That would be overkill. This girl sounds confused. After a cooling-off period, if she truly wants to be with you then you will hear from her.

June 18, 2020

13 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

I think you did the right thing, the ball is in her court if she wants to see you again she will reach out. I think she just needs space and you seem to be giving it to her. If you don’t hear from her in a week then go ahead and send that text, but be prepared that you may not get the response you want. Good luck, hope it works out!

Ditto this^^^^

June 18, 2020

15 hours ago, Brink007 said:

Good evening!

I have been dating this girl for a little over 3 weeks now and things were going great.. almost too perfect until I think I screwed it up. Little back story.... We had sex on the first date and she stayed the night at my house. We then had sex again in the morning. We ended up hanging out 2 days later and then hung out every other day (at least) for the next 3 weeks. It was crazy but we both initiated things equally. It just seemed right.. We stayed the night at each other's house 6 or 7 times even during the week when we both had to get up for work and had sex probably 10 times. Were were basically infatuated with one another. Things were spiraling towards a relationship or so they seemed to be.

Now on to our backgrounds..

- She is 29. She got out of a 2 year relationship 5 months ago where she was living with her boyfriend and his daughter. She broke up with him because he was being selfish but it was really tough for her. She has also been dealing with work problems (her boss sucks) and she talks about how ashamed she is of her profession and how she wants to find more of a purpose in life.. Basically in a mini midlife crisis.

- I am 31. have been single now for over 2 years and she knows that. Things are going really well in my life with work and pretty much everything else. I told her I don't mind the single life at and will never settle but would love to find that person some day.

Fast forward to the other day.

We were hanging out and I could sense she was really stressed about her work and everything going on in her life, so I joked that I had to come along and make things even more complex.. she agreed jokingly and then we started to have a real serious talk.. She explained how she was scared about how serious things have been getting.. I told her I understand and that maybe we should give it some time so she can really think about what she wants out of all of this. She sort of agreed with tears in her eyes. A lot came crashing down on her in that moment.. we talked for another hour with her getting pretty emotional at times and then we parted ways..

She then texted me 3 hours later (midnight while I was asleep) saying "just want you to know I've been thinking about you."

I took this as her answer that she probably wanted to get serious (maybe I'm dumb..well probably). I texted her the next day (wouldn't have if she didn't say she was thinking about me) and we talked a bit but she took a long time to respond to things.. I felt like I was getting really mixed signals. I told her to call me the next night and we talked about all that was going on with her work and then I asked her what her schedule was like the next few days. She started listing off all the things she was doing over the next 7 days and it seemed like she had no desire to hang out with me anytime soon. I sensed this so I told her "I am going to put the ball in your court. If you want to see me again then just text me". I didn't get upset with it at all in my tone but I was pretty blunt. I then told her to have a good week and a good weekend and then we said bye.. Looking back I feel like I metaphorically drew a line in the sand and pushed her to a decision about everything (which she is definitely not ready for)..

I'm definitely going to give it a week or so and if I don't hear from her I might send a text that says something from the heart about how I understand she is going through a lot but that I am thinking about her.. or that I didn't mean to draw a line in the sand about us, but where we were headed just seemed serious the way we were hanging out so much.. What do you all think? I really appreciate any advice.

You did the right thing but maybe at the wrong point in time.
Your knee jerk reaction to her full to-do list for the next week, was to tell her that the ball is in her court if she wants to hang out again....or speak again that week or thereafter... sounds a bit like that hurt you when she didn’t include you into her week so you reacted and basically told her to have a good week and weekend. Without speaking .

what you missed was that she was still in contact with you, still opening up and that was your chance to be supportive and invest into supporting her and listening to her. To empathise , sympathise and show her you’re emotionally mature, instead of showing her you weren’t a doormat by putting the ball in her court. There’s a lesson in there for you to learn I’m sure.

now , that’s not to say that it’s only been an intense 3 weeks. She clearly freaked Herself out a bit when she realised the emotional investment that was going on. Could be because she just came out of that relationship only 5 months ago , could be because you were smothering her, could be because she felt you were getting to close , too emotionally invested or just realised You weren’t listening to her needs. Maybe she was still rebounding.. Who knows. I’m sure you do somewhere deep inside.

if she had specifically told you that she didn’t want to see you again romantically , then telling her that the ball was in her court would have been the better move. But she didn’t. Which probably made you look like you weren’t listening to her.

I know after reading this that it’s probably not what you wanted to hear. But I’m not gonna hold your hand and tell you that you did fine when there’s actually things you could have to avoid the situation.

so, i think that if you want this and respect her , then you message her and tell her that you were just checking to make sure she was okay and that you were worried. You should probably apologise too for basically cutting her off and offering no contact , to protect your own feelings. But only if that’s your true intentions.

i wouldn't even expect a reply if I was you at this point, but if you do get one then you’ll know (I hope) where you maybe went wrong and can avoid those steps in the future.
If this intense time you spent with each other has fizzled into nothing then you have a chance to learn from the situation in every way that you can , and use it to make yourself a better person who continues to grow and learn. Her behaviour was odd too, and generally if something is going somewhere then you’re both equally as invested and infatuated in each other, so it’s not all your fault.

Edit - may I also add that if you were coming out of a LTR this is not the advice I would be giving you, well not all of it . But it’s only been 3 weeks so really you have nothing to lose as far as I’m concerned. You’ll gain something in one way or another.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Fox Sake

June 18, 2020

15 hours ago, Brink007 said:

We were hanging out and I could sense she was really stressed about her work and everything going on in her life, so I joked that I had to come along and make things even more complex.. she agreed jokingly and then we started to have a real serious talk.. She explained how she was scared about how serious things have been getting.. I told her I understand and that maybe we should give it some time so she can really think about what she wants out of all of this. She sort of agreed with tears in her eyes. A lot came crashing down on her in that moment.. we talked for another hour with her getting pretty emotional at times and then we parted ways..

Wow, I have a totally different read on this, but maybe I'm misunderstanding.

It sounds to me like she was starting to fall for you, was worried about how fast things were going, was looking for reassurance (e.g., initiating the relationship talk), and then you essentially dumped her when you told her maybe you should take some time. How did the rest of the conversation go?

Quote

She then texted me 3 hours later (midnight while I was asleep) saying "just want you to know I've been thinking about you."

Here, she's reaching out and trying again.

Quote

I took this as her answer that she probably wanted to get serious (maybe I'm dumb..well probably). I texted her the next day (wouldn't have if she didn't say she was thinking about me) and we talked a bit but she took a long time to respond to things.. I felt like I was getting really mixed signals.

Were you worried that she wanted to get serious? She may be pulling back because she felt you pulled back (wanting to take some time).

Quote

I told her to call me the next night and we talked about all that was going on with her work and then I asked her what her schedule was like the next few days. She started listing off all the things she was doing over the next 7 days and it seemed like she had no desire to hang out with me anytime soon. I sensed this so I told her "I am going to put the ball in your court. If you want to see me again then just text me". I didn't get upset with it at all in my tone but I was pretty blunt. I then told her to have a good week and a good weekend and then we said bye.. Looking back I feel like I metaphorically drew a line in the sand and pushed her to a decision about everything (which she is definitely not ready for)..

If she's already feeling like you are pulling back and aren't into things as much as she is, then you throwing the ball in her court isn't going to help.

Quote

I'm definitely going to give it a week or so and if I don't hear from her I might send a text that says something from the heart about how I understand she is going through a lot but that I am thinking about her.. or that I didn't mean to draw a line in the sand about us, but where we were headed just seemed serious the way we were hanging out so much.. What do you all think? I really appreciate any advice.

I guess I don't know what you want. Do you want things to get serious? If you don't, then why are you spending every other day with her? I think if you want to continue seeing her, you need to make that very clear.

June 18, 2020

Coldness alert: she isn't that into you but she wants to make sure you stick around as a fallback or to boost her when she needs it.

I say this as a woman.

June 18, 2020

16 hours ago, Brink007 said:

What do you all think? I really appreciate any advice.

I think it's time to move on. When people want to actually see another person, they make the time. NOBODY is that busy 24/7/365 that they can't find the time to see someone, they just don't want to have the time. You made the right call by leaving up to her choice, now just focus on yourself. If she actually wants to see you again, she will. When you asked her about her schedule, she would have told you when she'll be free for you. The worst thing you can do for your ego (and for everybody who has any interest in just being friends with someone who "never has time") is to chase this girl right now. It's just going to be more excuses to why she can't see you. Until eventually, you end up hearing about the new boyfriend that she somehow had the time to date in the middle of being so busy that she couldn't even send you a text or call you just to say hi.

Don't put yourself through that.

June 18, 2020

Thanks for all the responses. She drunk texted me last night and then we talked on the phone. Told me to come and cuddle with her but it was late. She apologized for it today and we texted a little but I’m still gonna sit back and not look too much into that.

June 18, 2020

Good plan. Don't let yourself be downgraded to FWB if you want more.

June 18, 2020

Yes, you are not her "cuddle buddy." I agree, hang back and let her get in touch.

June 18, 2020

I think things went so fast at first that she started feeling like she was in deeper than she ought to be. Probably both of you or pretty infatuated and things got a little more real as time went on. I wouldn't give her the cold shoulder or anyting. I would just take her out on a real date if she wants to go and not hole up for days with her. Slow it down and do a real date where you get to know each other and maybe just see each other once a week.

June 19, 2020

On 6/17/2020 at 11:46 PM, Brink007 said:

I told her I understand and that maybe we should give it some time so she can really think about what she wants out of all of this. She sort of agreed with tears in her eyes. A lot came crashing down on her in that moment.. we talked for another hour with her getting pretty emotional at times and then we parted ways..

So I was wondering, when she told you she felt overwhelmed with different aspects of her life why did your mind go straight to giving her a break? Why didn't you offer to slow down the pace, date a couple of times a week and let it go from there.

Edited June 19, 2020 by Gaeta

June 19, 2020

Great question. I guess my thought process was I’ll let her figure it out in her own time that she really likes me and wants to move things to being more serious. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? She told me the last time we hung out that I checkmark all the boxes on what she is looking for in a guy so I guess I wanted her to stew on things a little without hearing from me

June 19, 2020

I don't think you did much wrong here, but if she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't want to see you. Not much you can do about it

June 19, 2020

1 hour ago, Brink007 said:

Great question. I guess my thought process was I’ll let her figure it out in her own time that she really likes me and wants to move things to being more serious. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?

So you made the decision for her.

Did she said to you she wanted to take a break? did she say she needed time apart? Your story says that she shared with you the pressure she was under and needed to figure things out. YOU decided 'for her' how she should figure herself out. You should have ask her what she needed, time apart, more space between dates, less sleep overs etc etc.

June 19, 2020

54 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don't think you did much wrong here, but if she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't want to see you. Not much you can do about it

That's the thing she never said she didn't want to see him. OP decided SHE needed time apart.

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Messed up pretty badly. told her ball is in her court

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