Meesert Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 So im looking for some advice/opinions about love and dating. I'm a 25 year old male and currently im dating this girl for about a month. Now she is not sure she want so continue dating becouse she feels like somethimes I'm not really into her that much, which made me think. We do live pretty far from each other and therefore our dates tend do be pretty long, and me as a introvert find that to be a little tiresome somethimes. However what also kinda bothers me is that she kinda is the perfect match (attractive, smart, easy to talk to) but still im not really feeling like I care enough about her. I know we basicly just met and it could come later however I dont think I have ever been in real love, so i'm not sure what i'm looking for here. Never had a long relationship (longest about 4 months) and I have felt before that I probably should feel more for girls I dated. The only people I have strong (obviously non-romantic) feelings for are my parents and siblings. So i'm wondering.... is it possible to be unable to fall in love? I really want to date this girl I mentioned earlyer because I know she is special and she also cares about me, but at the same time I'm not sure if it would really bother me that much if she decides to end our dating.... It would for sure be dissapointing but not on a level that I feel like it should... which is really weird... Thanks for reading and if you feel like commenting please do so!
Author Meesert Posted June 17, 2020 Author Posted June 17, 2020 Also, I do get turned on by girls and not by men so I'm pretty sure thats not the issue here.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Falling in love is never something you should be trying to do. If it is meant to be, it will just happen. Don't try to force things, just go with the flow and see what happens. If this girl isn't making your heart rate jump, consider cutting her loose and finding someone that does. Good luck 3
Amanda141 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Hello! I am in a situation very similar to yours. I am about to turn 23, "longest" relationship was 4 months and I have never been in love. Infatuated yes, in love no. I think it's completely normal: I think in life you only romantically love 1 or 2 people... the rest is infatuation, liking, but for sure not true, unconditional love, IMO. However, in our fast-paced society, you often hear couple saying "I love you" even before they genuinely know one another. That sentence is so inflated... people say it without knowing what it means. True love is built with time, sacrifice and understanding. In my humble opinion, I think it's possible to fall in love, but one month is not enough to genuinely love someone. For sure you like her, but in your shoes I wouldn't be able to say "I love you" either. It's not that if she ticks a lot of boxes of your ideal girlfriend, you have to love her. For example, last Friday I went on a date with a guy who on paper is everything that I am looking for in a potential boyfriend, but when he kissed me I felt no spark and no chemistry at all. You should continue to date her, but without accelerating things. Just go on your own pace, get to know her better and who knows, maybe you'll truly end up loving her! 1
Emilie Jolie Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Meesert said: at the same time I'm not sure if it would really bother me that much if she decides to end our dating. Yeah, it could be possible to never fall in love in theory, but that's probably not a question you ask yourself as a young 25 yo guy - you have your life ahead of you . The above just means she's not the one for you, and neither were the ones before her. Perhaps best to let her go, 1 month is not too much of an emotional investment, and give each other the chance to find someone to fall in love with, and who lives closer. It's all about trial and error. I too am an introvert and need a lot of personal space / own time, probably more than average; my experience is that people who value you and who you value back will accommodate themselves with that if the rest of the relationship is good. Edited June 17, 2020 by Emilie Jolie 1
Fox Sake Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Meesert said: Also, I do get turned on by girls and not by men so I'm pretty sure thats not the issue here. I have no idea where you previously looked for advice but that didn’t even cross my mind lol Love is something that is earned. It develops only over time and understanding of that person and their qualities. Your current partner that you don’t care to lose , clearly isn’t the one who makes you feel like that.....yet.... and I say yet because over time feelings can always development and come out the blue , take you by complete surprise. edit - love is something that is a surprise and a gift. Earned and developed through time with an understanding of that person and their qualities. ... more accurate I think ! Edited June 18, 2020 by Fox Sake Cos I’m an idiot
Fresh_Start Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 14 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: Love is something that is earned. I understand what you're trying to say here, but I'd pick a different word. I could shower Margot Robbie with poems and love letters expressing my undying devotion and the only thing I'll earn is a restraining order.
Ami1uwant Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 What do you expect in Love or attraction? how do you feel when with her? you might be good at surprising longings or loneliness knowing you don’t see her that much. its possible you are asexual where you don’t get the sexual attraction or drivers as others.o 1
Fox Sake Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Fresh_Start said: I understand what you're trying to say here, but I'd pick a different word. I could shower Margot Robbie with poems and love letters expressing my undying devotion and the only thing I'll earn is a restraining order. Funny you say that .. I was thinking the same thing as I wrote it too! I was like “there has to be a better word than earned, it doesn’t fit” ... it’s been 4 years since I was last in love so I’m probably rusty now lol Gift or surprise would have been a better word I think. thanks for getting what I meant tho I appreciate that Edited June 18, 2020 by Fox Sake
Author Meesert Posted June 18, 2020 Author Posted June 18, 2020 6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: 6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: how do you feel when with her? Well the moment were texting or after a date I really feel like I like her a lot but the moment we date that feeling seems to fade in some moments, which she picks up very fast. Then she asks me whats wrong/what she can do but I don't really have a answer to that because I'm not sure myself about whats going on. It kinda feels like my feelings shut down when that happens, but they do return pretty quick. you might be good at surprising longings or loneliness knowing you don’t see her that much. Im not sure what you mean with surprising longings but I'm for sure "good at being lonely" as in that I like to be alone more then most people I know, however I would really like to have a person in my life. its possible you are asexual where you don’t get the sexual attraction or drivers as others.o No i dont think this is the issue because I def have sexual attraction to her and other girls before her, however it kinda seems that those feelings in combination with liking someone as a person does not really translate to "love" for me. I get a "I like when I'm with them but I also don't really need them" feeling. Which is something girls find attractive at first sight in my experience but it never last long this way.
Azincourt Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Meesert said: So im looking for some advice/opinions about love and dating. I'm a 25 year old male and currently im dating this girl for about a month. Now she is not sure she want so continue dating becouse she feels like somethimes I'm not really into her that much, which made me think. We do live pretty far from each other and therefore our dates tend do be pretty long, and me as a introvert find that to be a little tiresome somethimes. However what also kinda bothers me is that she kinda is the perfect match (attractive, smart, easy to talk to) but still im not really feeling like I care enough about her. I know we basicly just met and it could come later however I dont think I have ever been in real love, so i'm not sure what i'm looking for here. Never had a long relationship (longest about 4 months) and I have felt before that I probably should feel more for girls I dated. The only people I have strong (obviously non-romantic) feelings for are my parents and siblings. So i'm wondering.... is it possible to be unable to fall in love? I really want to date this girl I mentioned earlyer because I know she is special and she also cares about me, but at the same time I'm not sure if it would really bother me that much if she decides to end our dating.... It would for sure be dissapointing but not on a level that I feel like it should... which is really weird... Thanks for reading and if you feel like commenting please do so! I'm older than you and I'm on the same boat. I've never really developed romantic feelings for anyone I've dated, or for anyone at all, really. Instead of seeing it as a weakness, you should begin to consider this to be a strength. There are plenty of people who end up heartbroken, either because they are ''cheated on'' or because their partner ends the relationship, or the person they are with dies. There are men and women who turn to illicit substances to deal with the loss, others will develop mental illness, and others will become bitter and angry at the opposite sex, for being ''cheated on'' or dumped. Without this weakness, the emotional bond that many people form with the person they are in a romantic relationship with, you are immune to all of that. You chill because you are free from all that emotional nonsense SO many people suffer from. Edited June 18, 2020 by Azincourt
contel3 Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 Have you thought about this being an emotional defence? I have cared a great deal about previous partners, but I always go through phases where I feel indifferent about them. Its like I shut down or something. After a month its quite normal not to be in love yet. You just got to know her.
Author Meesert Posted June 18, 2020 Author Posted June 18, 2020 20 minutes ago, contel3 said: Have you thought about this being an emotional defence? I have cared a great deal about previous partners, but I always go through phases where I feel indifferent about them. Its like I shut down or something. After a month its quite normal not to be in love yet. You just got to know her. I for sure have thought about that and I would not be suprised if it is. Problem is (if this is the case) that I feel like I need more practice/give myself time to fall in love for real, however all girls I dated so far don't seem to have that patience, which I also understand. Why date the guy that has troubles connecting with you if 5 other guys have no such issues?
Azincourt Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 OP, You're 25 years old. You're barely out of college. Why do you want to rush and fall in love and all when you could be enjoying your youth instead of getting tied up to someone already? Quote Why date the guy that has troubles connecting with you if 5 other guys have no such issues? Because sometimes we want what we can't get?
mark clemson Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 19 hours ago, Meesert said: So i'm wondering.... is it possible to be unable to fall in love? There's more than one way to define love. IF you define falling in love as "having deep feelings of love for another person" and for whatever reason your personal psychology and/or brain chemistry prevent you from having deep feelings of love, then you would be "unable" to fall in love. I would imagine that's quite rare; but with 7.5+ B people in the world and the amount of variation people can show, there are probably at least some people like that out there. Perhaps you are one of them. One could question whether sociopaths generally are capable of falling in love. So that would be quite a lot of people as some reasonable fraction of people are sociopaths. However perhaps some sociopaths who raise families etc take pride and pleasure in their spouses and children and define that as love for themselves. Your personal definition of love will impact what you believe the answer is.
Azincourt Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 Quote One could question whether sociopaths generally are capable of falling in love. So that would be quite a lot of people as some reasonable fraction of people are sociopaths. However perhaps some sociopaths who raise families etc take pride and pleasure in their spouses and children and define that as love for themselves. Hmm, I'm not a sociopath and I've never fallen in love. I feel sexual attraction for women, physical admiration for physically perfect men(say Vin Diesel shirtless in the Chronicles of Riddick) and I enjoy being in the company of beautiful people, but that's about it. I find emotional bonds to be a waste of time and money, and honestly they don't make any sense. Just a flaw in our evolutionary process, meant to get men and women to get together to mate and to raise a child. Since I have no interest in becoming a father(I'm not the Royal Prince of England and I don't have millions in the bank) due to lacking any REAL reasons to have a child, I just prefer to keep my romantic relationships chill and short-term. Never been depressed, never been heartbroken, never cared when they slept with another dude or dumped me because I ''lack ambition and drive in life,'' and I've never been jealous or envious of any man, unless we're talking about how beautiful he is. There's lots of women who'd love to have ex-boyfriends like the type of guy I am Lol.
Author Meesert Posted June 18, 2020 Author Posted June 18, 2020 9 minutes ago, Azincourt said: OP, You're 25 years old. You're barely out of college. Why do you want to rush and fall in love and all when you could be enjoying your youth instead of getting tied up to someone already? Well im not looking to marry but a lot of my friends have had (somewhat) stable relationships for atleast a year and I kinda feel like I'm missing out. I have hooked up with girls but to really care about someone seems kinda nice haha
Azincourt Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 You're not missing out on much. It's like having a friend, one that you just happen to sleep with, but you gotta put up with parents, brothers, sisters, with her friends, and it's expected of you to invest emotionally and $$$ on her. You won't have much time left for your personal hobbies and interests when you're in a serious relationship, and good luck to you if you think your friends are going to be hanging out with you often, because now most of your time is going to be divided between your job, your girlfriend, her own friends, and her family. You can really care about someone without having to date that person. You can really care about yourself. Think of yourself as #1 always and life will be pretty sweet.
poppyfields Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 13 minutes ago, Azincourt said: You're not missing out on much. It's like having a friend, one that you just happen to sleep with, but you gotta put up with parents, brothers, sisters, with her friends, and it's expected of you to invest emotionally and $$$ on her. You won't have much time left for your personal hobbies and interests when you're in a serious relationship, and good luck to you if you think your friends are going to be hanging out with you. I won't argue with your experience but this^ is simply not true across the board. There are many women, myself included, who are in serious relationships who don't impose those types of restrictions on their boyfriends. And even if some do, that does not mean you have to acquiesce to what they want. That's called being a doormat, sorry. You take the lead, you control the pace, you define boundaries, what you find acceptable and what you don't. There is absolutely no reason why a man has to forfeit his interests and hobbies just because he's in a relationship, that sounds nuts to me. That said, the problem is there are people who are either emotionally incapable of feeling deep emotions or they are but have developed a mental block that won't allow them to.
datingvirgin Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 According to author Nathaniel Brandon this is the definition of romantic love: Passionate spiritual-emotional-sexual attachment between two people that reflects high regard for the value of each other person. Maybe you haven't experienced who you are and what you value to understand what romantic love and how to know. You are only 25 so I'd say too early to know.
Azincourt Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 48 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I won't argue with your experience but this^ is simply not true across the board. There are many women, myself included, who are in serious relationships who don't impose those types of restrictions on their boyfriends. And even if some do, that does not mean you have to acquiesce to what they want. That's called being a doormat, sorry. You take the lead, you control the pace, you define boundaries, what you find acceptable and what you don't. There is absolutely no reason why a man has to forfeit his interests and hobbies just because he's in a relationship, that sounds nuts to me. That said, the problem is there are people who are either emotionally incapable of feeling deep emotions or they are but have developed a mental block that won't allow them to. Women in relationships expect you to spend time with them. They expect daily contact. You have one or two jobs, that's at least 8 hours a day you gotta give to your boss. Then there's the 1 to 2 hours that it takes to get home. clean up, cook dinner, take the dog out. The rest of the time it's gonna be spent on the girlfriend. Then she has her dealings with her friends and family and she expects you to take part in them aswell. You want to go to the beach with your friends, but she has other plans. You have to follow them through. Then there's the personal interests and hobbies, how are you going to fit them in? You want to hit the Gym 5 hours a day, 6 days a week. Wake up at 3 AM to head to the gym and stay there until 8AM and then start your job at 8:30? Or you want to spend all night playing on your nintendo switch. Sooner or later the girlfriend is going to start getting annoyed over it. Hm, feeling deep emotions would be simiar to feeling great physical pain? Why would someone want anything to do with that? A fairly superficial emotional connection with your girlriend is the more ideal state of being. There isn't a flaw with the person. It's more like an evolutionary trait that benefits you. Your girlfriend dies? You get sad for a bit, but you quickly move on and get another girlfriend. Your girlfriend dumps you? That's a shame. Wait a couple of days and then go to the nightclub and meet women. You're in a good relationship but you got a job offer that would enable you to make 150-200k a year, but you have to move halfway around the world and your girlfriend doesn't want to move there? Dump your girlfriend ,move and then get a girlfriend in your new location. You can't do any of the above if you have a deep emotional connection with someone. But if you shed that stuff off, your life will improve greatly, and you will never suffer from all the mental and physical and financial problems that many men(and women) go through because of some silly chemical reaction initiated by your brain with the intent of getting you to bond with someone, so you mate, and the species keeps on existing. When you have absolute control over your emotions, when you live your life to the best it can be and not because of what your brain and sex drive tell you to do.. bro, that's rare to find in a person, and to be valued greatly. Besides, there's lots of guys who have died to protect their girlfriends and wives, and what do their girlfriends do? Do they join a convent and never have a man in their lives again? Love is beautiful, it's what sells movie tickets, but it's not profitable on an individual level, and it's highly dangerous. It's best to be avoided.
poppyfields Posted June 18, 2020 Posted June 18, 2020 (edited) @AzincourtWell as I said, not all women will want to impose those types of rigid restrictions, for example I love my bf and he loves me, but I don't see him every single day and frankly wouldn't to, I need my space too! We spend most weekends together but if either of us want to chill alone for whatever reason (we're both huge introverts) we do so without the other getting pissy about it. He spends hours and hours in his dark room developing photos, goes to the gym whenever he damn well pleases, does NOT need my permission, goes out with friends, as do I. Not sure who these women are you are speaking of but they sound extremely needy and controlling and it's on you for picking them or not being strong enough define your boundaries and what works for you. It's like you have allowed yourself to be led around by the nose, and then resenting her for it. Deeming all relationships bad. That is NOT what a happy, healthy balanced relationship looks like. BUT if you are happier without, feeling nothing, being alone, that is certainly your prerogative, it's not for me to judge, it's your life. Whatever makes you happy however it does appear you have a rather warped view re relationships based on your choosing needy controlling women. Cause that's not how most relationships are, sounds suffocating as hell tbh. Edited June 18, 2020 by poppyfields
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