ladybug2021 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) I met this other guy online and we started chatting on WhatsApp, did a video call and he said he was very attracted to me. We met yesterday for a coffee for the first time, and attraction was mutual, but I'm not sure about him. He mentioned to me he is very intense, and he shows that. He texts all the time every day, and wants me to text regularly as well. He said he wants to know me better, is not just something sexual, etc. But then all he talks about is how he feels about me. For example, when we met he said he writes a blog, and he does online courses about this and that. I said to him that's funny because I also have a blog and online courses, and he didn't even ask what do I write about or are my courses about... is the sort of thing that you pick up and it doesn't sound right. After all, if he is interested in knowing me and we have that in common, it would be normal to want to know about that, right? Not continue talking about other things after I mention that to him. Also, yesterday before we met he was texting me after lunch (we met at 6pm), and I told him I was tired and was going to take a nap, and he didn't want me to take a nap, wanted me to stay there texting and talking to him until the time we meet! So didn't really care I was tired, just wanted me to stay there and give him attention... So now he keeps texting me all the time about how he feels about me, the butterflies in the stomach, etc. That he's not in a hurry, he understands I want to take things slow, etc. But I don't know, I find his intensity too much and a possible red flag. It sounds like he is very needy and possibly co-dependant and I can't handle that. I want a partner who I don't have to text all the time, and can focus on my life and other things too. In the past I've had a relationship with someone who was also very intense and needy, things happened too fast and it was a rollercoaster that ended badly. Don't want to go down that road again, I want something calm and peaceful now. What do you think? Perhaps he is like that now only in the beginning and will calm down? Edited June 17, 2020 by ladybug2021
Erik30 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: But I don't know, I find his intensity too much and a possible red flag. It sounds like he is very needy and possibly co-dependant and I can't handle that. I want a partner who I don't have to text all the time, and can focus on my life and other things too. 4 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: What do you think? Perhaps he is like that now only in the beginning and will calm down? Yeah I would say it's a red flag... This is still early on, so it's him being on his best behaviour... so it's probably even worse when he's "normal." He's already trying to control you and you guys just met. I would end it. It's not what you're looking for and it's too much 2
Author ladybug2021 Posted June 17, 2020 Author Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Erik30 said: Yeah I would say it's a red flag... This is still early on, so it's him being on his best behaviour... so it's probably even worse when he's "normal." He's already trying to control you and you guys just met. I would end it. It's not what you're looking for and it's too much Yes I see the wanted me to not go take a nap and stay there texting him and also the wanting me to text frequently as ways to control me, because basically he is disrupting my life and wanting me to change what I want to do for what he wants me to do to instead to please him. Edited June 17, 2020 by ladybug2021
Erik30 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 7 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: Yes I see the wanted me to not go take a nap and stay there texting him and also the wanting me to text frequently as ways to control me, because basically he is disrupting my life and wanting me to change what I want to do for what he wants me to do to instead to please him. And that's not normal. Next he wants to know who else you're texting and meeting up with... It usually takes a while for people to show you their "crazy side," but this guy isn't even trying to hide it
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 13 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said: Yes I see the wanted me to not go take a nap and stay there texting him and also the wanting me to text frequently as ways to control me, because basically he is disrupting my life and wanting me to change what I want to do for what he wants me to do to instead to please him. Yeah, he does sound like a self-absorbed person. Like @Erik30said, if he is like this now - he will be worse later on. He should have rejoiced to have something in common with you ( blog ), and used it as a talking point to further get to know you! But keeps the focus on himself. You don't need that. A new relationship usually people invest more time, energy and focus into it. His error is that he wants to be the sole focus and have all of the attention on himself. Sorry.
Realitysux Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) This guy sounds stuck in his own head. I've been there. I've been so trapped in my own head that I had a hard time getting out and in tune with reality again. This guy doesn't sound like he's in tune with reality at all and it might not have anything to do with you. As humans we crave human contact and affection but a person doesn't need a mental illness to be suffering mentally and something is definitely going on with this guy. Doesn't sound like you are the right person to be dating him if you can't be honest with him. Edited June 17, 2020 by Realitysux 1
Author ladybug2021 Posted June 17, 2020 Author Posted June 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, Realitysux said: This guy sounds stuck in his own head. I've been there. I've been so trapped in my own head that I had a hard time getting out and in tune with reality again. This guy doesn't sound like he's in tune with reality at all and it might not having anything to do with you. As humans we crave human contact and affection but a person doesn't need a mental illness to be suffering mentally and something is definitely going on with this guy. Doesn't sound like you are the right person to be dating him if you can't be honest with him. Well the thing is I have been honest with him and I have told him what I said in here. But he just keeps doing his thing. 1
Author ladybug2021 Posted June 17, 2020 Author Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Yeah, he does sound like a self-absorbed person. Like @Erik30said, if he is like this now - he will be worse later on. He should have rejoiced to have something in common with you ( blog ), and used it as a talking point to further get to know you! But keeps the focus on himself. You don't need that. A new relationship usually people invest more time, energy and focus into it. His error is that he wants to be the sole focus and have all of the attention on himself. Sorry. Yes I agree. That's exactly what he did, he ignored me saying I also blog and have an online course, and continued talking about his stuff. Also, he talks and talks and talks... like 99% of the time. If I want to talk I have to interrupt him basically. I don't like that, it feels he is self absorbed yes. I have such a good peace in my life right now, I don't want anything or anyone to disturb it negatively, I just want to be with someone that is a match to it. Edited June 17, 2020 by ladybug2021
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, ladybug2021 said: Well the thing is I have been honest with him and I have told him what I said in here. But he just keeps doing his thing. Then why persist with him?
Author ladybug2021 Posted June 17, 2020 Author Posted June 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said: Then why persist with him? I am not. 1
Stevnx3 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Just now, ladybug2021 said: Yes I agree. That's exactly what he did, he ignored me saying I also blog and have an online course, and continued talking about his stuff. Also, he talks and talks and talks... like 99% of the time. If I want to talk I have to interrupt him basically. I don't like that, it feels he is self absorbed yes. I have such a good peace in my life right now, I don't want anything or anyone to disturb it negatively, I just want to be with someone that is a match to it. Well, I'd say you know what to do with this. Nothing beats personal peace. Nor should you sacrifice it on this guy's selfishness. You seem like a great girl or Ladybug - find someone else. you do not need to fight to get your voice heard over a blowhard. 1
Realitysux Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 1 minute ago, ladybug2021 said: Well the thing is I have been honest with him and I have told him what I said in here. But he just keeps doing his thing. When I was stuck in my own head and was not in touch with reality then it didn't matter what anyone said or did to me. I could not comprehend much outside of myself. It's like you are trapped inside yourself and it sounds like that's where the intensity is coming from.
Mystery4u Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 No he will not change for the better. You have only met once and you are already having doubts and can see you are not compatible and he is not what you are looking for or want. Trust your instinct. Easy decision, stop talking to him and NEXT. 1
Blind-Sided Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 1 hour ago, ladybug2021 said: ....... Also, yesterday before we met he was texting me after lunch (we met at 6pm), and I told him I was tired and was going to take a nap, and he didn't want me to take a nap, wanted me to stay there texting and talking to him until the time we meet! So didn't really care I was tired, just wanted me to stay there and give him attention... IA few months back, I had a girl do this with me. I don't mind TXT'ing... but I don't have my phone in my face all the time. So...There are 2 examples.... 1) This is the same situation. She was txt'ing about some random stuff... nothing super important. BUT... I was up a couple times with my youngest kid because of bad dreams... so it was mid afternoon, and my eyes were literally closing on their own. I told her I needed to take a short nap, and I would talk to her later. She said... "Don't go, I like talking with you." I didn't even respond to that, and turned off my ringer. 2) It was late and She was in bed, and I was chatting with her to say "Goodnight." But when I thought I was done... she said... "Don't go yet... tell me something good." Once again... I just didn't respond. (I had already said, "Goodnight, rest well" after 10 minutes of txt'ing) So... I find it rude when people get that way. It's inconsiderate, and it's not like I want to live my life on my phone. I'm not a teenage girl. (This person was early 40's) The next time I sat down with her... I told her that I'm fine with txt'ing... but I'm an adult, and when I say I need to do something... then you need to just accept that. She said she understood... but it was enough that I was just turned off... and I started talking with my current GF more.
DarrenB Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Sounds very egocentric and co-dependent which is a 2in1 red flag. I can't help but feel sorry for how uncomfortable that must feel for you with him being so demanding from the get go. I definitely think this is something you should not pursue further, for your own sake and wellbeing. 2
Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 2 hours ago, ladybug2021 said: I met this other guy online and we started chatting on WhatsApp, did a video call and he said he was very attracted to me. We met yesterday for a coffee for the first time, and attraction was mutual, but I'm not sure about him. He mentioned to me he is very intense, and he shows that. He texts all the time every day, and wants me to text regularly as well. He said he wants to know me better, is not just something sexual, etc. But then all he talks about is how he feels about me. For example, when we met he said he writes a blog, and he does online courses about this and that. I said to him that's funny because I also have a blog and online courses, and he didn't even ask what do I write about or are my courses about... is the sort of thing that you pick up and it doesn't sound right. After all, if he is interested in knowing me and we have that in common, it would be normal to want to know about that, right? Not continue talking about other things after I mention that to him. Also, yesterday before we met he was texting me after lunch (we met at 6pm), and I told him I was tired and was going to take a nap, and he didn't want me to take a nap, wanted me to stay there texting and talking to him until the time we meet! So didn't really care I was tired, just wanted me to stay there and give him attention... So now he keeps texting me all the time about how he feels about me, the butterflies in the stomach, etc. That he's not in a hurry, he understands I want to take things slow, etc. But I don't know, I find his intensity too much and a possible red flag. It sounds like he is very needy and possibly co-dependant and I can't handle that. I want a partner who I don't have to text all the time, and can focus on my life and other things too. In the past I've had a relationship with someone who was also very intense and needy, things happened too fast and it was a rollercoaster that ended badly. Don't want to go down that road again, I want something calm and peaceful now. What do you think? Perhaps he is like that now only in the beginning and will calm down? Sounds like he's gaslighting you.
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 At best he was looking for an audience, someone to pay attention to him & flatter him to feed his ego. Listen to the warnings your subconscious is giving you. This will not calm down. 3
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Block him. He's in love with the idea of being in love. I've met men like this a few times and most of the time they were in a hurry to find a band-aid to put on their wound. This man is probably recently seperated.
rjc149 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 4 hours ago, ladybug2021 said: I told him I was tired and was going to take a nap, and he didn't want me to take a nap, wanted me to stay there texting and talking to him until the time we meet! So didn't really care I was tired, just wanted me to stay there and give him attention... ... I find his intensity too much and a possible red flag. It sounds like he is very needy and possibly co-dependant and I can't handle that. In the past I've had a relationship with someone who was also very intense and needy, things happened too fast and it was a rollercoaster that ended badly. What do you think? I think you already know. 1
ShyViolet Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said: Also, he talks and talks and talks... like 99% of the time. If I want to talk I have to interrupt him basically. Ohh I really despise people like this. This is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. Trust your instincts here. Something definitely seems off about this guy. He has a lot of personality traits that bother you, and they are not going to magically go away if you start dating this guy, they will only get worse. This guy sounds creepy. Don't get involved with him.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 He sounds very weird and unsavory. This will only get worse. I'd definitely move on from this guy.
lana-banana Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Controlling, narcissistic, arrogant. Run, do not walk, away from this guy. Block him on every platform (including his phone number) and don't give it a second thought. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 (edited) I've experienced this before. What he's doing is lovebombing you (look it up), so that he distracts you enough to get you to ignore your common sense and the red flags. He probably wants to be intimate, then will go POOF! soon afterward. Edited June 17, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 I would find his behaviour incredibly annoying and arrogant. He places more importance on getting constant attention than on respecting simple boundaries. If he’s already steam-rolling over them, you can be sure it’s going to get worse as you get to know him and his erroneous sense of entitlement to your time and attention grows. I wouldn’t even bother bringing it up again. It’s a clear sign you two are not compatible, so I would let him know it’s not going to work for you and exit stage left.
Calmandfocused Posted June 17, 2020 Posted June 17, 2020 Op This is Lovebombing- A behavioural pattern I know very well. Whilst it may feel good and amazing, it’s generally bad news. Be very careful! All love bombers ive had dealings with turned out to be narcissistic abusers. One could argue that lovebombing is the most dangerous part of the cycle. It’s gets the victim addicted, hooked and primed, ripe and ready to tolerate the next part of the cycle - abuse. You’ve definitely got my alarm bells ringing for sure. A couple of other points: “I like what you like” is called “mirroring”. The fact he prattles on until the cows come home is a strong indicator that he doesn’t give a rats behind what you do and don’t like at all. It’s all about him. Control is also coming into play here - “please do what I want you to do” Pass on this one op... and fast! 1
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