After connecting over video I bombed the 1st Date

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, 808Traveler said:

Her:   Alright, i'm now managing about 7 things and 3 people at the same time, on teams, here and whatsapp, and I noticed my brain is getting overloaded. I got a plumber inside as well who needs my attention, gotta hit the supermarket in a bit, a friend is coming at 530 and i need to get this all done and out before that. I'll talk to you a bit later today, okay?

This is...not great. 

Were you messaging her a lot, or asking her where she was? Her message above is her request for some breathing room, OP. I generally wouldn't send a guy a message like this unless I was starting to get frustrated by him or sensed he was getting too needy. What was the playful banter you say you had before she sent this?

The ball is in her court now. If she still wants to meet up on the weekend, you will hear from her. If you get crickets, you can assume she is not interested. I have to ask, given your plan to get busy and only check What's App between certain hours - do you suffer from anxiety in general? Nobody loves lingering in a grey area, to be fair, but you seem to have startlingly low tolerance for uncertainty. 

[DarrenB]

She's fully aware that the initial date was awkward but is still keen and showing interest - I think that's a win in my books. You need to acknowledge the fact that the first encounter could have gone better but also set yourself praises that you managed to see it out till the end of the date.

Now that a second date has been arranged I would lay off with bringing up the first date experience and focus on what lies ahead. 

Before your second date on Sunday build on your composure and try and get to know more about her beforehand, so when you're together if for some reason you relapse into nervousness you can bring up a topic allowing her to take control of the conversation for a while whilst you regain a sense of confidence.

[smackie9]

let the incident roll off your back and move on from it for crying out loud. Stop talking about it, and over analyzing things. And gosh by golly kick her off that pedestal you have her on. Be calm, kool, and laid back.

[808Traveler]

On 6/17/2020 at 7:47 PM, Ellener said:

@808Traveler Had we but world enough and time...but youth is wasted on the young as they say. A man who can express himself, dance in public, is trying to stay original but genuine...honey the only thing you're doing wrong is over-thinking what anyone else thinks about you.

You're wonderful!

 

Thank you.  You’re spot on.   I’ve calmed down, and just relaxed and let the love story happen.

We’re going Skydiving on Sunday for my birthday.  She was more shocked that I would propose such a thing because most people don’t have the courage to jump out of a plane.

Its very clear now she’s into me and I’ve got a great feeling about her.

[CaliforniaGirl]

It was actually saying these things - over and over and over and kind of frantically - that cooled her off.

Just "being" a little nervous on a first date is no big deal. I actually find it appealing and really, really sexy. You can just "feel" the heat under the person's skin when he's a little nervous and obviously over your beauty...and that automatically translates into one's mind as hot in the bedroom too...or at least it does for me...

But to be saying over and over again how nervous you were, apologizing, asking her really uncomfortable questions ("would it have made a diference if...") Any woman would run for the hills because now you're making HER nervous, and let me be honest, as a woman, I've seen "nerves" in a guy turn more dangerous. That's not automatically what this girl thought but I'll bet it's in the back of a lot of women's minds; hair-trigger guys may end up to be shouters, or always up for a fight, etc. and that's scary and off-putting.

Not saying that last part was definitely it but I know it would be in the back of my mind and I'd be running.

BE a little nervous but don't say it over and over again. You nerved her up, freaked her out, made her feel if you had a relationship all she'd ever be doing would be to calm you and soothe you, like one would a little child. And nobody is turned on by an SO being a little child.

[d0nnivain]

24 minutes ago, 808Traveler said:

We’re going Skydiving on Sunday for my birthday.  She was more shocked that I would propose such a thing because most people don’t have the courage to jump out of a plane.

Its very clear now she’s into me and I’ve got a great feeling about her.

Oh boy.  

How do you know "it's very clear" that she's into you?  

The fact that you are willing to spend hundreds of dollars on her for your birthday for only the 2nd date tells me you are waaaaayyyyy more into her then she is to you.  I fear she's gonna pull back as you continue to wear your heart on your sleeve & put your foot in your mouth.  Are you sure she's not just using you to pay for something to check off her buck list?  Please please keep your emotions in check.  

Happy birthday.  I hope your wishes come true.  

Edited June 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, 808Traveler said:

Its very clear now she’s into me and I’ve got a great feeling about her.

Whatever happens- have fun and be your sweet self! Happy Birthday for Sunday 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, 808Traveler said:

Thank you.  You’re spot on.   I’ve calmed down, and just relaxed and let the love story happen.

We’re going Skydiving on Sunday for my birthday.  She was more shocked that I would propose such a thing because most people don’t have the courage to jump out of a plane.

Its very clear now she’s into me and I’ve got a great feeling about her.

Okay. My advice only: DON'T bring up the other stuff. At all. Don't say "listen, about the other day, I was nervous but I'm cool now." DON'T talk about it...period...just have fun.

"Telling" doesn't do much. Showing does.

JMO!

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, 808Traveler said:

We’re going Skydiving on Sunday for my birthday.  She was more shocked that I would propose such a thing because most people don’t have the courage to jump out of a plane.

Its very clear now she’s into me and I’ve got a great feeling about her.

Did she actually tell you that?

[Fresh_Start]

46 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Oh boy.  

How do you know "it's very clear" that she's into you?  

Because she hasn't blocked his number yet?

The fact that he's already referring to this as a "love story" after just one date and a handful of awkward texts that nearly put me in a cringe coma doesn't bode well either. 

[Mystery4u]

I'm surprised she is still even talking to you, let alone going skydiving with you for a 2nd date.

One thing I'm sure is you are not going to get into her knickers, but she will happily keep lapping up your attention and treats.

She know's what she is doing.

Is she older and more experienced than you by any chance?

[Erik30]

Well I guess skydiving is a special date... but it seems like way too much for a second date (since I'm assuming you're paying ) and it's your birthday... you should be doing it with friends and then tell her all about it later on. Imagine if she would end it after you "shared" your present with her... 

But who knows, maybe it will all work out for you. It sure is something different

[gamon]

This thread is hard to read.

I lost count of the cringes

[rjc149]

When I suggested not taking her on unique, elaborate dates that don't allow her an easy exit and may push her comfort level, I meant like going on a hike, a rock climbing wall, a really high-end restaurant, martial arts or dancing lessons, etc. especially if it's only a second date and there was no sexual tension on the first. 

I wasn't even on the Richter scale. 

I wanted to write a post about "neediness" and "approval-seeking behavior" and "showing too much interest" and "trying to impress women" and "rushing things" and "overbearing expectations" and but something over-heated and blew a circuit. I can't even. 

So have fun on your date and just be aware: if this girl is agreeing to let you buy her a skydiving ticket for your 2nd date, with the level of interest she showed on the 1st date, you need to have your guard up and make sure you're not being used. Don't be the chump who thinks this is a love story when she's just taking free sh-t from an over-eager suitor. Be careful. 

Also, be careful, you know. Jumping out of a moving airplane. 

And happy birthday!

[preraph]

You've got to learn restraint and not vomit your feelings out on people you  barely know. 

 

Also you should know that gushing over how good-looking a woman is is really not that flattering to her. It just tells her that's what matters to you, and it's awkward and it's desperate. You may as well be shouting I'm not good enough for you. 

 

Lack of confidence is a big turn-off for women and it is for a lot of men too. No one wants someone disparaging themselves and having to deal with that when they barely know the person. I mean she's not your psychologist. even if you were acting awkward and couldn't help it, if you just had kept your mouth shut and contained yourself, she could at least have respected you for being self-contained. You would have had a little better chance if only you had exhibited some self-control. 

 

Hopefully it's a lesson learned for the next date. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am sure you have the best intentions and are just trying to do things "right."

The problem is that the strategic texting, the skydiving...it comes across as very performative, and not a reflection of your true character. She can't get to know the real you when you're trying this hard to impress her and put on a show for her, so to speak. The way you worded it makes it seems as though you chose skydiving so she can see how brave and manly and wild you are - or how much you want to be those things. 

You've got to get a lot more comfortable with yourself to be successful in dating. That's the key you're still missing here. 

[Miss Spider]

13 hours ago, gamon said:

This thread is hard to read.

I lost count of the cringes

This. You have so much work to do, OP. And that’s coming from someone who has a lot of work to do themselves. She must be agreeing to a second date out of flattery or desperation herself...

[808Traveler]

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did she actually tell you that?

Yes

[808Traveler]

She messages me every morning to say good morning and every night to say good night.

She tells me about her day, what she's doing and who she's doing it with.

She does most of the texting and I just in engage in fun conversation while getting to know her more. 

For Sunday I am debating of pulling back and canceling because even though we have a lot in common I'm picking up on some serious insecurities.  Insecurity that comes off as a false confidence almost arrogant.   I'm not a big fan of this. 

I've started to pull away because of this and she picked up on it asking if I was ok today.  I told her yes I'm just busy with work. 

 

[808Traveler]

On 6/17/2020 at 8:16 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

This is...not great. 

Were you messaging her a lot, or asking her where she was? Her message above is her request for some breathing room, OP. I generally wouldn't send a guy a message like this unless I was starting to get frustrated by him or sensed he was getting too needy. What was the playful banter you say you had before she sent this?

The ball is in her court now. If she still wants to meet up on the weekend, you will hear from her. If you get crickets, you can assume she is not interested. I have to ask, given your plan to get busy and only check What's App between certain hours - do you suffer from anxiety in general? Nobody loves lingering in a grey area, to be fair, but you seem to have startlingly low tolerance for uncertainty. 

I'm bi-polar II so sometimes yes and sometimes no

[808Traveler]

On 6/17/2020 at 8:20 PM, DarrenB said:

She's fully aware that the initial date was awkward but is still keen and showing interest - I think that's a win in my books. You need to acknowledge the fact that the first encounter could have gone better but also set yourself praises that you managed to see it out till the end of the date.

Now that a second date has been arranged I would lay off with bringing up the first date experience and focus on what lies ahead. 

Before your second date on Sunday build on your composure and try and get to know more about her beforehand, so when you're together if for some reason you relapse into nervousness you can bring up a topic allowing her to take control of the conversation for a while whilst you regain a sense of confidence.

I haven't brought it up since that day.  There's no need I just pivot and keep moving forward.

[808Traveler]

19 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Oh boy.  

How do you know "it's very clear" that she's into you?  

The fact that you are willing to spend hundreds of dollars on her for your birthday for only the 2nd date tells me you are waaaaayyyyy more into her then she is to you.  I fear she's gonna pull back as you continue to wear your heart on your sleeve & put your foot in your mouth.  Are you sure she's not just using you to pay for something to check off her buck list?  Please please keep your emotions in check.  

Happy birthday.  I hope your wishes come true.  

It's not on her bucket list.  She enjoys skydiving like I do.  This won't be our first time. 

Yes it's clear I'm way more into her then she is into me.   There's a way to fix this, I'll just get interested into someone else. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, 808Traveler said:

For Sunday I am debating of pulling back and canceling because even though we have a lot in common I'm picking up on some serious insecurities.  Insecurity that comes off as a false confidence almost arrogant.   I'm not a big fan of this. 

I've started to pull away because of this and she picked up on it asking if I was ok today.  I told her yes I'm just busy with work. 

Huh?

OP, what are you doing here? I hope you're not following more poor advice from your "mentor."  It's reading like you're trying to play games and get her to chase you. Two days ago you were falling all over yourself trying to get her to like you, and now this? It sounds as though you're trying to project your insecurities on to her to gain the upper-hand or some such thing. 

If you don't want to go and are not interested anymore, be honest. Tell her it's not going to work for you. But if you're trying to play some silly game and get her wrapped around your finger, you're shooting yourself in the foot. 

 

[rjc149]

18 minutes ago, 808Traveler said:

She messages me every morning to say good morning and every night to say good night.

She tells me about her day, what she's doing and who she's doing it with.

She does most of the texting and I just in engage in fun conversation while getting to know her more. 

Then roll with it, OP. Just roll with it. See where it goes. 

[Erik30]

58 minutes ago, 808Traveler said:

I'm picking up on some serious insecurities.  Insecurity that comes off as a false confidence almost arrogant.

I mean... not to be a jerk but you're basically describing your own behaviour here