CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 34 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: It’s hard to say without knowing you and seeing your behavior firsthand. You’re doing something really wrong, that goes way beyond teeth. What is “yourself”? Are you interesting and fun? Are you perhaps too uninvolved and it comes off as an unattractive form of arrogance. I really wish I could be a fly on the wall at your dates because I’m pretty good at pinpointing it, but it’s harder to do hearing it secondhand from someone whose assessment of themselves is probably quite flawed. They have paid coaches who do this, but they usually suck This is why we can never help the OP. We can't see him or near him and we can't see what he's saying off the cuff, just things he has time to think about for a while and then type. The OP will NEVER have an answer until someone qualified can tell him from seeing and hearing him *in person* what is up. Period.
Azincourt Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said: This is why we can never help the OP. We can't see him or near him and we can't see what he's saying off the cuff, just things he has time to think about for a while and then type. The OP will NEVER have an answer until someone qualified can tell him from seeing and hearing him *in person* what is up. Period. Exactly. He should be looking for professional help, people who are qualified to make a judgement on why he's failing to get a second date, and what he oughta do to fix that. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: OK, you wanna get some real and quick insight? Call up each of these woman and tell them you are doing a frank reflection on your dating style, what's good and what's not so good. Give them the freedom to honestly talk. You will get a sense of what you may be doing that alienates people. Something is happening AFTER your first charm them. And it may not be that you're dong something wrong, per se. It may be that they simply recognize some incompatibility that you don't recognize and so they pull back. My guess is that you're not aware when YOU are not having fun on a date, so your radar is off. You're settling for dates where things seem "Ok." And "OK" is actually a fine date, but a fine dating for excluding someone and realizing things are not right between you two. If you're not having an absolute blast when you're in the presence of these various women, then you're doing something wrong. BTW: I did talk to an ex about my strengths and weaknesses in dating. She was so helpful, helped me see things I didn't see, including strengths. One challenge in dating is that you may have a superpower and yet not know how attractive that superpower is ... and thus you hide it. She also told me to stop feeling insecure about some personality traits I had. Frankly, I see now that she and I were not a good fit, but ... the point is ... you should call up each of these women, ask for tips. I hate to stereotype, but you ask for tips and most women won't dump on you. They'll offer constructive points. You just gotta make clear that you are not angling to resume things with them. Do that brother and I promise you will get tons of insight. I'm cringing... The OP will humiliate himself as depending upon what the problem is it might be so uncomfortable that they won't give him a real answer. A very best friend, or better yet, therapy. This is the ONLY way he can find out what is really, actually wrong. 1
Azincourt Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 Yikes. Don't go about calling women on the phone asking them why they didn't want to date them. I don't go around asking women why they dumped me or why they rejected me at the nightclub, I just move on, realize that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I just go and meet new women. The more women you meet, the higher the chances of you getting a girlfriend who is into you as much as you are into her. 1
Author an0nym0us123 Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I'm cringing... The OP will humiliate himself as depending upon what the problem is it might be so uncomfortable that they won't give him a real answer. A very best friend, or better yet, therapy. This is the ONLY way he can find out what is really, actually wrong. I have repeatedly told you what the problem is. The women i take on dates are better looking women than I am a man and have access to better looking men than me. Ive said this 50 times over the years on threads but it always reverts back to some vibe im giving off. Ive also said the pictures im using online are the very best which could simply mean they are disappointed. That said i have been with more attractive women than the ones that i meet online And again the thread was asking should someone lower standards or stay single if they cant meet anyone. Edited June 27, 2020 by an0nym0us123
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 17 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: This is why we can never help the OP. We can't see him or near him and we can't see what he's saying off the cuff, just things he has time to think about for a while and then type. The OP will NEVER have an answer until someone qualified can tell him from seeing and hearing him *in person* what is up. Period. All good and well, what is so called professional says the problem is A and another says it is B? My point is ALL of this is subjective. What is great for one person is terrible for another so expecting to get good feedback from a stranger who knows your for 5 minutes is perhaps asking too much. Sure a friend might be more helpful but again to what end? What works for one may not work for another. The only real solution is to just keep going.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: All good and well, what is so called professional says the problem is A and another says it is B? My point is ALL of this is subjective. What is great for one person is terrible for another so expecting to get good feedback from a stranger who knows your for 5 minutes is perhaps asking too much. Sure a friend might be more helpful but again to what end? What works for one may not work for another. The only real solution is to just keep going. Excuses and more excuses. What if WE'RE all wrong? We're literal strangers and the majority are not trained in any of this. Keep making excuses, while other people kisten, improve themselves and get dates. 1
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said: I have repeatedly told you what the problem is. The women i take on dates are better looking women than I am a man and have access to better looking men than me. Ive said this 50 times over the years on threads but it always reverts back to some vibe im giving off. Ive also said the pictures im using online are the very best which could simply mean they are disappointed. That said i have been with more attractive women than the ones that i meet online And again the thread was asking should someone lower standards or stay single if they cant meet anyone. The short answer is: NO. You have almost no power of what your date actually wants which I am told is part of the apparent "fun" of dating so its a case of finding someone you do click with, because you haven't found anyone yet is not so much a reflection of you.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said: I have repeatedly told you what the problem is. The women i take on dates are better looking women than I am a man and have access to better looking men than me. Ive said this 50 times over the years on threads but it always reverts back to some vibe im giving off. Ive also said the pictures im using online are the very best which could simply mean they are disappointed. That said i have been with more attractive women than the ones that i meet online And again the thread was asking should someone lower standards or stay single if they cant meet anyone. And yet you keep asking, fully knowing what the answers will be. And you still refuse to actually do anything about it, and if we give you a literal direct answer to the original question (without suggestions how to get dates) you argue with us and ask follow-up questions. So is this all just for attention, or what? 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: The short answer is: NO. You have almost no power of what your date actually wants which I am told is part of the apparent "fun" of dating so its a case of finding someone you do click with, because you haven't found anyone yet is not so much a reflection of you. Keep doing what you're doing, and keep getting the same results. That's it. Simple. 1
Azincourt Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: All good and well, what is so called professional says the problem is A and another says it is B? My point is ALL of this is subjective. What is great for one person is terrible for another so expecting to get good feedback from a stranger who knows your for 5 minutes is perhaps asking too much. Sure a friend might be more helpful but again to what end? What works for one may not work for another. The only real solution is to just keep going. So-called professionals? These people go to school for this. They have decades of experience and thousands of in-person cases to built on upon. On the other hand we're just random people on the internet giving advice without having any first-hand knowledge on why OP is failing to get second dates, but we ain't there on the dinner table with him to figure out what he's doing wrong. Quote You have almost no power of what your date actually wants which I am told is part of the apparent "fun" of dating so its a case of finding someone you do click with, because you haven't found anyone yet is not so much a reflection of you. Dating is a lot of hard work but it can also be found. Meeting new people, getting to know them, and if things don't work out, and they thinking you're a decent person, many of them will introduce you to their friends who are still single. Edited June 27, 2020 by Azincourt 2
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Excuses and more excuses. What if WE'RE all wrong? We're literal strangers and the majority are not trained in any of this. Keep making excuses, while other people kisten, improve themselves and get dates. Not excuses, simply logic. OP doesn't seem to have an issue getting dates, based on what I have read, he simply seems to come up against women with endless options to win in that scenario logically you need to have something they actually want so maybe the OP needs to figure out what the average women actually wants, use the same one solution fits all as is being prescribed here.
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, Azincourt said: So-called professionals? These people go to school for this. They have decades of experience and thousands of in-person cases to built on upon. On the other hand we're just random people on the internet giving advice without having any first-hand knowledge on why OP is failing to get second dates, but we ain't there on the dinner table with him to figure out what he's doing wrong. Sure they go and learn text book after text book and then try equate all of this theoretical knowledge to people who are all unique , each situation being unique each persons point of view being unique, each persons mannerisms being unique. I'd take the advice of people here over any therapist because when you walk a mile in a persons shoe you can relate better to their situation.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said: I have repeatedly told you what the problem is. The women i take on dates are better looking women than I am a man and have access to better looking men than me. Ive said this 50 times over the years on threads but it always reverts back to some vibe im giving off. Ive also said the pictures im using online are the very best which could simply mean they are disappointed. That said i have been with more attractive women than the ones that i meet online And again the thread was asking should someone lower standards or stay single if they cant meet anyone. And yet, if we say: yes, lower your standards you say "no way!" and if we say no, don't, you say " but then I'll never get a date. " Then when we offer solutions to get a date you say, "I'm not asking how to get a date." This thread is just for attention. RIght? Edited June 27, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Not excuses, simply logic. OP doesn't seem to have an issue getting dates, based on what I have read, he simply seems to come up against women with endless options to win in that scenario logically you need to have something they actually want so maybe the OP needs to figure out what the average women actually wants, use the same one solution fits all as is being prescribed here. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep having what you have. End of story.
Azincourt Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: Not excuses, simply logic. OP doesn't seem to have an issue getting dates, based on what I have read, he simply seems to come up against women with endless options to win in that scenario logically you need to have something they actually want so maybe the OP needs to figure out what the average women actually wants, use the same one solution fits all as is being prescribed here. Okay, hold up. I'm confused. What women are these that have ''endless options''? Back in college I met plenty of women who were lovely, were very attractive, and they had a hard time getting a relationship. Guys either didn't notice them, or they got noticed, went on dates, but the guy's interest fizzled out soon after, or they dated and the guy turned out to be different in a relationship when he's not trying to impress someone. No woman has endless options, and women don't go about dating dumping, rejecting, and ghosting guys on purpose. It's not fun or enjoyable for women to reject a guy, and women do have to reject a lot of guys. Because a relationship isn't a date. It's sharing your life with someone. Being physically and emotionally vulnerable to someone, with someone, which makes dating for men and for women hard.
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Keep doing what you're doing, and keep getting the same results. That's it. Simple. OP can do any of the called dating guru advice and yet still have the same issue. My point remains a person can do whatever but fundamentally there are limitations as to how much a person can change. OP can dress up like a clown and go on a date, this might work if she works in a circus but might not work if she works in finance, again the point being adapting to what is in front of us. BUT the problem is you cannot compete with what you cant see which are probably 20 other matches she has. The only way to sort of mitigate this is to invest nothing in the date at all.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Sure they go and learn text book after text book and then try equate all of this theoretical knowledge to people who are all unique , each situation being unique each persons point of view being unique, each persons mannerisms being unique. I'd take the advice of people here over any therapist because when you walk a mile in a persons shoe you can relate better to their situation. It's weird how when the OP disappears, you appear. With literally identical arguments and an identical runaround. Maybe you guys should date?
ZA Dater Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 1 minute ago, Azincourt said: Okay, hold up. I'm confused. What women are these that have ''endless options''? Back in college I met plenty of women who were lovely, were very attractive, and they had a hard time getting a relationship. Guys either didn't notice them, or they got noticed, went on dates, but the guy's interest fizzled out soon after, or they dated and the guy turned out to be different in a relationship when he's not trying to impress someone. No woman has endless options, and women don't go about dating dumping, rejecting, and ghosting guys on purpose. It's not fun or enjoyable for women to reject a guy, and women do have to reject a lot of guys. Because a relationship isn't a date. It's sharing your life with someone. Being physically and emotionally vulnerable to someone, with someone, which makes dating for men and for women hard. I think MOST have many more options than men. The fact they have options allows a degree of choice which is more than a lot of men have. Not sure the OP has seen many women who have felt too bad about rejecting him, actually if they did one would think they would have the decency to actually tell him why and add some value but its easier to just do nothing and move onto the next match. This is especially true of they themselves have a high value.
Author an0nym0us123 Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: And yet, if we say: yes, lower your standards you say "no way!" and if we say no, don't, you say " but then I'll never get a date. " Then when we offer solutions to get a date you say, "I'm not asking how to get a date." This thread is just for attention. RIght? I think almost all posters have said that lowering standards to the point where the person is not attractive to you at all is a bad idea. I dont recall saying i would never get a date, i have had 30 first dates. People have asked questions and i have answered them as best i can. However if you think i am going to message my ex, girls who blocked me (oh wait i cant) girls who ignored my follow up message or were just plain rude to me then you are mistaken. I asked one who was very keen even after meeting and i told you what she said. I asked a mate a long time ago would i ever find someone and he said "your not brad pit but you will probably find something" Edited June 27, 2020 by an0nym0us123
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said: I think almost all posters have said that lowering standards to the point where the person is not attractive to you at all is a bad idea. I dont recall saying i would never get a date, i have had 30 first dates. People have asked questions and i have answered them as best i can. However if you think i am going to message my ex, girls who blocked me (oh wait i cant) girls who ignored my follow up message or were just plain rude to me then you are mistaken. I asked one who was very keen even after meeting and i told you what she said. I asked a mate a long time ago would i ever find someone and he said "your not brad pit but you will probably find something" I said NO such thing. I said I cringed at another poster's suggestion to call past girlfriends. As to the rest, you keep correcting me to say you're NOT asking for dating advice. So I'll disregard that. Posters have answered you: a few say lower your perceived standards, some say don't, you agree with "don't," so, case closed! There's really nothing more anybody can say.
Author an0nym0us123 Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I said NO such thing. I said I cringed at another poster's suggestion to call past girlfriends. As to the rest, you keep correcting me to say you're NOT asking for dating advice. So I'll disregard that. Posters have answered you: a few say lower your perceived standards, some say don't, you agree with "don't," so, case closed! There's really nothing more anybody can say. Apologies, i miss read what you had written. Yes you are right its case closed. Thanks for the input though, its not un appreciated Edited June 27, 2020 by an0nym0us123 1
Miss Spider Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, an0nym0us123 said: What can i say. My ex gf thought i was the greatest guy on earth until she met another one. The woman i had 4 dates with last year was heaping praise on me without asking. I talked for a woman on the phone for 2hrs before we met and she still wanted to meet me after which i got the chop. I told my ex boyfriend he was perfect the way he was when I I broke Up with him too. With all due respect, what do you think she is supposed to say? Break up with you and point out every single flaw that you have as you sit in the dirt. That is really not going to happen unless she is really sick in the head. Women don’t leave “the greatest guy on earth“ for another dude, so you already know she is padding . You want to keep blaming your looks because it’s a easy scapegoat, but I think it’s pretty apparent that it’s got more to do with it than that Edited June 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author an0nym0us123 Posted June 27, 2020 Author Posted June 27, 2020 11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I told my ex boyfriend he was perfect the way he was when I I broke Up with him too. With all due respect, what do you think she is supposed to say? Break up with you and point out every single flaw that you have as you sit in the dirt. That is really not going to happen unless she is really sick in the head. Women don’t leave “the greatest guy on earth“ for another dude, so you already know she is padding . You want to keep blaming your looks because it’s a easy scapegoat, but I think it’s pretty apparent that it’s got more to do with it than that I meant i was the greatest guy on earth when we were together. When she met someone else that soon changed and she was finding fault with everything i was doing to make an excuse to get out. Anyway this is not about that break up that was a long time ago. Regardless of what it is i cant really do much about it. I dont really want to be putting on an act on on dates, trying to be someone im not. My personality is what it is
poppyfields Posted June 27, 2020 Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) I don't think this has been mentioned, if it has apologies, but is there anything on your social media accounts or anywhere on the internet that reflects any sort of past improprieties? It just seems weird that you are able to get dates, they seem to like you, then suddenly nothing after that first date? To add, all this talk about money, career, looks; another poster mentioned this earlier, but for many women, women with substance versus shallowness, it's more about a man's vibe/energy. A man's vibe/energy, for many women (which is what genuine chemistry is), trumps everything else - looks, job, physique, teeth, shoes lol, money. That's why we see so many hot women with average looking guys with modest careers, etc. I wish I could be there on your dates, but if you're gonna improve anything, improve your vibe. Not sure how one goes about doing that, having tons of confidence helps and having a "dance to my own drummer, take no shyt from no one" type of vibe. Not in a bullish way, but have a backbone. Combined with a gentleness and sensitivity, it's a winning combo! Edited June 27, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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