boyfriend looks a bit like an ex, is it weird or not?

[heavenonearth]

i met someone on tinder a month ago. we have never met in person, as we live about 10 driving hours apart in different european countries.

we hit it off pretty quickly and video chat every day, sharing our days, fall asleep via facetime, wake up together, etc. we have a lot in common and are quite attracted to each other. i look forward to meet with him in the summer when the border restrictions loosen up. until then this is all we have. we are pretty crazy for each other and are dating exclusively, both hoping the feelings we're developing will stay strong once we meet in real life (physical chemistry and all). he claims to be my quarantine boyfriend. 

now, i recently mentioned my ex-husband to him a few times, because his wife is going through something that i am helping her with at the moment. i divorced my ex-husband over 10 years ago and he has not been a significant presence in my life for about that long, so not someone important to me whatsoever. our contact over the years has been minimal.

the other day, however, my quarantine boyfriend asked me to see a photo of my ex-husband? that sort of freaked me out. i wondered, why the heck would he want to see a photo of my ex-husband? i told him that's quite an odd request. he just said 'well, he was a part of your life at some point' and i said 'still, what does it matter what he looks like?', and he just said 'nevermind'...

the reason this freaked me out is that quarantine boyfriend and ex-husband actually kinda look alike. i noticed this right away after we started messaging on tinder. i asked my mother if she noticed this and she said, yeah, there are some similarities, but ex-husband was short and funny looking, and quarantine boyfriend is handsome and tall. but there is a similarity. now i worry that quarantine boyfriend may have checked my facebook in order to find out who my ex-husband is, perhaps saw him in my friends, saw that he looks alike and now feels weird about it? i don't know. this whole thing just is unfortunate, and i wish it wasn't a big deal, but am scared now that maybe it is? maybe he will think it's a big deal?

i don't want him to think i am hung up about my ex-husband, or that i am looking to date someone that looks like him. it's not even like i have a type, because all my partners looked quite different from each other. and again, what attracted me to quarantine boyfriend wasn't his looks, but rather his first message to me and how things developed from then on, how we clicked, etc. i haven't felt so close to someone since the split from my last partner almost 2 years ago and really hope this works out. 

what are your thoughts on this? should i bring this up? should i just say 'well, actually, you kinda look alike.. but it doesn't bother me...'? or something along those lines?

Edited June 17, 2020 by heavenonearth

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't think I'd bring it up at all. It's a little weird that he wanted to see a pic, TBH. Don't hurry to try to explain it. He's the one being weird. I'd just let it go hoping it was just idle curiosity.

Sometimes people look like exes...it can happen. Or like eachother. My husband's and my baby/young child pics look almost identical. It's absolutely creepy. But...S happens. People can look like other people. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[heavenonearth]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I don't think I'd bring it up at all. It's a little weird that he wanted to see a pic, TBH. Don't hurry to try to explain it. He's the one being weird. I'd just let it go hoping it was just idle curiosity.

Sometimes people look like exes...it can happen. Or like eachother. My husband's and my baby/young child pics look almost identical. It's absolutely creepy. But...S happens. People can look like other people. 

mh yeah, i guess it's better to not bring it up now. i am a bit worried about what will happen when/if they meet though... it will happen eventually, as i am planning to visit my ex-husband's wife later this year. if we're still together and he will join the trip (very likely), they will be meeting. it will be so awkward.

[Atwood]

As much as we all know it's not a healthy thing to do, I'd be lying if I said I didn't seek out photos of my partner's ex when we first got together to see how pretty she was. It's a form of self-torture to compare yourself to a partner's exes and to see where along the ranks you fit. Part of you cannot resist the temptation because the satisfaction of objectively being their most attractive partner thus far would make you feel more secure, but obviously not for long. That insecurity is something you have to deal with eventually, but it does get better as the relationship becomes more established. 

I'd leave it for now but if he asks again, you could ask him why he wants to see one? If you are attracted to him in his own right and not because he looks like your ex, and maybe you just have a "type", it won't be too hard to explain honestly if you need to. He might just need a little reassurance which is normal if you're still in contact with your ex, albeit minorly. 

[heavenonearth]

18 minutes ago, Atwood said:

As much as we all know it's not a healthy thing to do, I'd be lying if I said I didn't seek out photos of my partner's ex when we first got together to see how pretty she was. It's a form of self-torture to compare yourself to a partner's exes and to see where along the ranks you fit. Part of you cannot resist the temptation because the satisfaction of objectively being their most attractive partner thus far would make you feel more secure, but obviously not for long. That insecurity is something you have to deal with eventually, but it does get better as the relationship becomes more established. 

I'd leave it for now but if he asks again, you could ask him why he wants to see one? If you are attracted to him in his own right and not because he looks like your ex, and maybe you just have a "type", it won't be too hard to explain honestly if you need to. He might just need a little reassurance which is normal if you're still in contact with your ex, albeit minorly. 

yes, i am sure now he looked him up in my fb friends bc he also was talking about being insecure about not being able to grow a beard and there are photos still on my facebook of me and my most recent ex, who was very tall and had a very big beard, looked very manly. quarantine boyfriend is more skinny and can't grow a beard. he keeps talking about this insecurity of his. he thinks i want a tall guy (1,90+) with a beard...  i don't know, it makes sense thinking about it that he perhaps stalked my exes on facebook. i too checked out his ex, but only briefly and i don't really compare myself, because he's been very vocal about what he likes about me, but still, i guess people do this...   guilty of it myself, haha.

[Atwood]

1 minute ago, heavenonearth said:

yes, i am sure now he looked him up in my fb friends bc he also was talking about being insecure about not being able to grow a beard and there are photos still on my facebook of me and my most recent ex, who was very tall and had a very big beard, looked very manly. quarantine boyfriend is more skinny and can't grow a beard. he keeps talking about this insecurity of his. he thinks i want a tall guy (1,90+) with a beard...  i don't know, it makes sense thinking about it that he perhaps stalked my exes on facebook. i too checked out his ex, but only briefly and i don't really compare myself, because he's been very vocal about what he likes about me, but still, i guess people do this...   guilty of it myself, haha.

I think a lot of us do it tbh. We know we shouldn't and it never brings any happiness, but the temptation! 

Maybe it would help if you could be more vocal with him about what you like about him? It sounds like he does just need some reassurance from you that you're not comparing them! It might comfort him to know you looked up his ex too and that it doesn't reflect on how you both feel about each other? We're all human and we all feel this little worries sometimes. I'm sure that once you've been together for a while and he's realised the dynamic you have with your ex is not a threat, he'll feel better. It's probably just because you're so new. 

[Hopeful30]

10 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i met someone on tinder a month ago. we have never met in person, as we live about 10 driving hours apart in different european countries.

we hit it off pretty quickly and video chat every day, sharing our days, fall asleep via facetime, wake up together, etc. we have a lot in common and are quite attracted to each other. i look forward to meet with him in the summer when the border restrictions loosen up. until then this is all we have. we are pretty crazy for each other and are dating exclusively, both hoping the feelings we're developing will stay strong once we meet in real life (physical chemistry and all). he claims to be my quarantine boyfriend. 

now, i recently mentioned my ex-husband to him a few times, because his wife is going through something that i am helping her with at the moment. i divorced my ex-husband over 10 years ago and he has not been a significant presence in my life for about that long, so not someone important to me whatsoever. our contact over the years has been minimal.

the other day, however, my quarantine boyfriend asked me to see a photo of my ex-husband? that sort of freaked me out. i wondered, why the heck would he want to see a photo of my ex-husband? i told him that's quite an odd request. he just said 'well, he was a part of your life at some point' and i said 'still, what does it matter what he looks like?', and he just said 'nevermind'...

the reason this freaked me out is that quarantine boyfriend and ex-husband actually kinda look alike. i noticed this right away after we started messaging on tinder. i asked my mother if she noticed this and she said, yeah, there are some similarities, but ex-husband was short and funny looking, and quarantine boyfriend is handsome and tall. but there is a similarity. now i worry that quarantine boyfriend may have checked my facebook in order to find out who my ex-husband is, perhaps saw him in my friends, saw that he looks alike and now feels weird about it? i don't know. this whole thing just is unfortunate, and i wish it wasn't a big deal, but am scared now that maybe it is? maybe he will think it's a big deal?

i don't want him to think i am hung up about my ex-husband, or that i am looking to date someone that looks like him. it's not even like i have a type, because all my partners looked quite different from each other. and again, what attracted me to quarantine boyfriend wasn't his looks, but rather his first message to me and how things developed from then on, how we clicked, etc. i haven't felt so close to someone since the split from my last partner almost 2 years ago and really hope this works out. 

what are your thoughts on this? should i bring this up? should i just say 'well, actually, you kinda look alike.. but it doesn't bother me...'? or something along those lines?

The guy I recently dated also reminds me big time of an ex. At first, I couldn't quite figure out what reminded me so much of my ex, until it was recently pointed out to me that he is lazy, and BAM, that's was it! The ex he reminds me of was lazy too. 

Sigh. 

And yeah it's weird he asked to see a photo. I can understand being curious, but that's where it should end. Ask him, "What are you hoping to gain from knowing what my ex looks like?"

[d0nnivain]

Most of my EXs look alike.  They have similar senses of humor & levels of intelligence too.  They are their own men but I have a type. 

Unless you are wishing the new guy is the old guy it's no big deal.  

[Gaeta]

I just fell off my chair.....what happened with you and ex-boyfriend?!

My ex-husband died a few years ago, all of his sisters (he has 7) are convinced my current boyfriend is the spinning image of their deseased brother. I thought they were crazy at first as my ex-husband is white and my current boyfriend is black. Then I started paying attention and thought........they're right!! They both have very similar features, lean body, long face, full lips, extroverted, social and funny. 

I think it's normal there a similarities between those we date. They have what attract us. 

[Ami1uwant]

You tend to have similarities in people you dated because they tend to fit your attraction meter.

 

him asking about your ex husnamd is fine and wanting to see a photo help people categorize what they learn.  If you shared some important things together he wants to know.  Do you share kids?

Before you want to marry someone you want yo learn about their life up to the point you met. That includes most of your past relationships thst lasted some time where you travelled together or lived together if not married.

 

[contel3]

I don't think it's weird. I'm friends with my ex and all the women he dates look like me. Most men I date look like him.

Sometimes we joke about it. I'm certainly not hung up on him and neither is he.

Edited June 17, 2020 by contel3

[poppyfields]

20 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i met someone on tinder a month ago. we have never met in person, as we live about 10 driving hours apart in different european countries.

we hit it off pretty quickly and video chat every day, sharing our days, fall asleep via facetime, wake up together etc

A bit off topic but I've been asking the question how do people date, develop  and maintain relationships on line before meeting in person and you just answered my question!  Thank you! 

What's interesting is that it sounds like you spend more time with your on line (quarantine) boyfriend than I do with my in person boyfriend!  

I think what you describe would be a bit suffocating for me personally but I'm happy it works for you! 

As for him looking like your ex, I cannot really relate (sorry ) all my boyfriends have looked totally different. 

But as an objective observer what everyone else posted makes a ton of sense.

All the best and I hope you will get to meet your bf in person soon!  

Edited June 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fox Sake]

If it becomes an issue , and he brings it up ever that they look similar...if I were you I would just tell him you can see a few similarities but you’ve definitely upgraded. 
You won’t leave him hurt , more confidence than anything and it’s also the truth- cos one is your ex and one is the man you’re with. 
My exes all look different, the only similarity I ever have is stunning eyes! Those little windows say soooo much! 

[heavenonearth]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I just fell off my chair.....what happened with you and ex-boyfriend?!

My ex-husband died a few years ago, all of his sisters (he has 7) are convinced my current boyfriend is the spinning image of their deseased brother. I thought they were crazy at first as my ex-husband is white and my current boyfriend is black. Then I started paying attention and thought........they're right!! They both have very similar features, lean body, long face, full lips, extroverted, social and funny. 

I think it's normal there a similarities between those we date. They have what attract us. 

 

Yes, it was quite tragic. We broke up almost two years ago shortly after my last post about him in June 2018. Don’t want to get into detail but i have been single since and just now am falling for someone again. Feels great but also scary. That being said; quarantine boyfriend and ex boyfriend look nothing alike. Polar opposites. Weird how i am going back to liking someone who looks like someone i loved 14 years ago. Weird world. 

[heavenonearth]

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

You tend to have similarities in people you dated because they tend to fit your attraction meter.

 

him asking about your ex husnamd is fine and wanting to see a photo help people categorize what they learn.  If you shared some important things together he wants to know.  Do you share kids?

Before you want to marry someone you want yo learn about their life up to the point you met. That includes most of your past relationships thst lasted some time where you travelled together or lived together if not married.

 

Yeh i mean we don’t really share anything important. No kids, nothing. The only thing exhusband and i share is that I am friends with his wife. And i am never getting married again! It’s weird quarantine boyfriend is looking to know so much about my past relationships. I haven’t asked him once about his. 

[Ami1uwant]

39 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

Yeh i mean we don’t really share anything important. No kids, nothing. The only thing exhusband and i share is that I am friends with his wife. And i am never getting married again! It’s weird quarantine boyfriend is looking to know so much about my past relationships. I haven’t asked him once about his. 

It’s not weird. He wants to learn about your life and how your marriage changed you.

 

if he hasn’t been married before he wants to learn about your expectations in a relationship.

 

not getting married again...heard that before....they got married again.

[Mystery4u]

Nothing weird about it, I could probably say most of my exes have similar features as I only like to go for the dark haired exotic beauties.

What is weird though is how you can call someone you have never met, your boyfriend. Especially since you have been married before.

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Nothing weird about it, I could probably say most of my exes have similar features as I only like to go for the dark haired exotic beauties.

What is weird though is how you can call someone you have never met, your boyfriend. Especially since you have been married before.

quarantine boyfriend  

[heavenonearth]

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s not weird. He wants to learn about your life and how your marriage changed you.

 

if he hasn’t been married before he wants to learn about your expectations in a relationship.

 

not getting married again...heard that before....they got married again.

weird. i have no desire to get married again. i feel it has lost it's charm after the first failed attempt. luckily the guy i am dating is not interested in that either. so we good.

 

[heavenonearth]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

A bit off topic but I've been asking the question how do people date, develop  and maintain relationships on line before meeting in person and you just answered my question!  Thank you! 

What's interesting is that it sounds like you spend more time with your on line (quarantine) boyfriend than I do with my in person boyfriend!  

I think what you describe would be a bit suffocating for me personally but I'm happy it works for you! 

As for him looking like your ex, I cannot really relate (sorry ) all my boyfriends have looked totally different. 

But as an objective observer what everyone else posted makes a ton of sense.

All the best and I hope you will get to meet your bf in person soon!  

it's not suffocating at all because we are so eager to meet that every minute we spend together makes us feel closer. it's a special thing to cherish when it's all you got, for the time being.

yesterday he received a package from me. it was such a weird feeling to see him touch something that at one point i had touched. 

it was a beautiful thing. three more weeks. fingers crossed.

and yes, most of my boyfriends have looked super different from each other too. maybe the only combined factor would be that 90% of them had dark hair and dark eyes. but that's about it. this is the first time someone i date looks like someone i used to be with. it's freaky, to say the least.