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Is he missing my hints? or does he expect me to chase?


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Posted

Long story short: met a guy online, went on a good date, regularly in contact since.

I initiated the date because I suggested we spend time outdoors. He agreed. I suggested a nice hiking area, he agreed. I recommended Skyping, he agreed. Even I liked his profile first, and he agreed (matched).

Now I'm making plenty of hints that i have never been here or there, and it would be nice to go here or there, and he agrees (yeah it's nice you will like it!). I jokingly messaged him and said "can you guess where I'm going with this?" He laughed it off, AND AGREED. Now that I think about it, he never initiates anything except sexual advances (went for a kiss on our first  and only date). 

I am confused if he expects me to chase him...or if he genuinely doesn't get the hints. OR, if he doesn't care and just wants sex (since he has no problems initiating there).

Either way, it's making me lose interest.

Posted

He doesn’t sound very interested in going on dates. I think you’re probably correct that he’s after sex, if he’s been dropping hints about it, but not actually dating you.

I would keep moving. 

  • Like 3
Posted
8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He doesn’t sound very interested in going on dates. I think you’re probably correct that he’s after sex, if he’s been dropping hints about it, but not actually dating you.

I would keep moving. 

Hey there @Hopeful30 I agree with @ExpatInItaly and think that he only wants sex from you, otherwise he would make more of an effort to go out with you. Keep it pushing to someone else.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hopeful. If this is the guy to whom you turned your cheek on his kiss attempt, I've already said and other men agreed, you sent a 'get lost' message. I can't say what's in his mind. But to me and other men on the other thread, you sent him away. You may need to be aggressive to 'reel him back in'.

Posted

as a man myself i like to plan out dates because i like to be in control.  haven't had any complaints so far...

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Posted
6 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

Hopeful. If this is the guy to whom you turned your cheek on his kiss attempt, I've already said and other men agreed, you sent a 'get lost' message. I can't say what's in his mind. But to me and other men on the other thread, you sent him away. You may need to be aggressive to 'reel him back in'.

We have been video chatting and communicating regularly since that time. He knows I did not reject him...although now I've genuinely lost interest. He agreed to a second date, I said ok, and that's the end of that conversation. If he wants anything more, it's up to him. 

  • Like 1
Posted

If he's really interested in you, he'll take initiative and drive things forward. When a man is really into a woman, nothing will stop him from making the effort to spend more time with her.

I think you're right to let this one go. 

  • Like 3
Posted

au contraire, Ruby, no matter how interested I am in a woman, if she dusts me off hard enough (it's subjective) I can take the hint and move on. whether that is or was in play with Hopeful's guy, only he can say. She's lost interest anyway.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Long story short: met a guy online, went on a good date, regularly in contact since.

I initiated the date because I suggested we spend time outdoors. He agreed. I suggested a nice hiking area, he agreed. I recommended Skyping, he agreed. Even I liked his profile first, and he agreed (matched).

Now I'm making plenty of hints that i have never been here or there, and it would be nice to go here or there, and he agrees (yeah it's nice you will like it!). I jokingly messaged him and said "can you guess where I'm going with this?" He laughed it off, AND AGREED. Now that I think about it, he never initiates anything except sexual advances (went for a kiss on our first  and only date). 

I am confused if he expects me to chase him...or if he genuinely doesn't get the hints. OR, if he doesn't care and just wants sex (since he has no problems initiating there).

Either way, it's making me lose interest.

It’s really boring when someone agrees with everything you say. It makes it impossible for either of you to learn anything about each other. As long as arguments don’t ensue and you can respect each other’s opinion. 
Really hard to say what his intentions are ..

Edited by Fox Sake
Add a bit
  • Like 1
Posted

He definitely just wants sex. 

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Most likely just lazy.  He likes you, is interested in you probably even for a relationship, but is LAZY.  This is a common problem and it will be a lifelong problem you have with him.  Or, it will last for however long your relationship lasts.  He's always going to be this way.  Decide if you can deal with it NOW or forever hold your peace.

Edited by snowcones
  • Like 3
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Posted
1 minute ago, snowcones said:

Most likely just lazy.  He likes you, is interested in you probably even for a relationship, but is LAZY.  This is a common problem and it will be a lifelong problem you have with him.  Or, or will last for however long your relationship lasts.  He's always going to be this way.  Decide if you can deal with it NOW or forever hold your peace.

I agree. His personality says it all. I've given up on finding what I want though, so maybe dating him won't be so bad (at least I get to call the shots). Definitely not husband or father material though, which is ultimately what I'm after. Maybe we can have a sexual relationship... I have needs 😳 

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

I agree. His personality says it all. I've given up on finding what I want though, so maybe dating him won't be so bad (at least I get to call the shots). Definitely not husband or father material though, which is ultimately what I'm after. Maybe we can have a sexual relationship... I have needs 😳 

Why wouldn't he be husband or father material?

Oh and I hope you like being on top because that's where you will be.  😂

Edited by snowcones
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Posted
34 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Why wouldn't he be husband or father material?

Oh and I hope you like being on top because that's where you will be.  😂

That was my next question! Does it translate in the bedroom?

I don't want a lazy husband or father for my children. s*** needs to get done, mouths need to be fed, bills need to get paid. I need a partner in that, not another responsibility.

  • Like 2
Posted

This guy isn't missing hints so much as letting them drop. Anybody who was into you would be taking the initiative. If you have any romantic feelings for this guy at all, and it sounds like you do, he's the wrong choice for a FWB arrangement. FWBs should be cordial and polite, but with firm boundaries in place, like a coworker you appreciate but would never hang out with outside of work. 

  • Like 5
Posted (edited)
23 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

That was my next question! Does it translate in the bedroom?

I don't want a lazy husband or father for my children. s*** needs to get done, mouths need to be fed, bills need to get paid. I need a partner in that, not another responsibility.

Oh.  Well lazy in terms of treating a woman well does not always translate into lazy in terms of being a good housemate and father.  He may pay the bills or half of them and he may share the childrearing duties.  Plenty of men consider this to be the epitome of being a good man.  He just won't do anything to make you feel special.

Do you get the feeling he is lazy in his own life? 

And yes it absolutely translates into the bedroom.

Edited by snowcones
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Posted
34 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Do you get the feeling he is lazy in his own life?

There is evidence to support his 'agreement' to what comes without much care to *build* what he wants. I am looking for long term to build a family, a home, a life together. If he can't even make it on his own...

Sex, however, he might be useful for (and I'm sure he would AGREE 😂)

38 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This guy isn't missing hints so much as letting them drop. Anybody who was into you would be taking the initiative. If you have any romantic feelings for this guy at all, and it sounds like you do, he's the wrong choice for a FWB arrangement. FWBs should be cordial and polite, but with firm boundaries in place, like a coworker you appreciate but would never hang out with outside of work. 

On the contrary, I don't see him as a man, so I would not present myself with him. If it's purely sexual and satisfying, I'm down for that. But as snowcones pointed out, laziness translates into the bedroom. His advances for a kiss on the first date suggests otherwise. 

Posted (edited)

 

4 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

We have been video chatting and communicating regularly since that time. He knows I did not reject him...although now I've genuinely lost interest. He agreed to a second date, I said ok, and that's the end of that conversation. If he wants anything more, it's up to him. 

 

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

If he's really interested in you, he'll take initiative and drive things forward. When a man is really into a woman, nothing will stop him from making the effort to spend more time with her.

I think you're right to let this one go. 

I have to agree with Ruby Slippers.  You made it plain it was not rejection and you otherwise have good interactions.

I can't think of a positive explanation.  It may be some weird game playing behavior, it certainly aligns with some advice you see men given...even here.

I suspect you may be right in thinking he just wants sex, and this is the campaign to get you to cave.  

If you have needs you need met, and taking care of them yourself can't hold you over....I'd still pass on this guy...think you would rather have a guy who takes wait for an answer and you decide the night your needs need to be met.   It is never good in my mind to reward manipulation.

Edited by SumGuy
Posted

I’ve seen something similar with women I s dated and it turned me off. That’s ehy in conversation I try to ask un biases questions that don’t have a lead as to what I want yo hear but actually gets them to open up and talk.

Posted
1 hour ago, snowcones said:

And yes it absolutely translates into the bedroom.

Not necessarily. My recent ex was lazy as hell around the house, but a go-getter in bed. He even started doing pushups every day to improve his bedroom game 😛

But this guy sounds meh to me.

  • Like 1
Posted

Think ya getting wayyyyyyy ahead of yourself there.

l don't think he's very interested. It was handed to him so he thought ohhhh, alright why not but he wasn't really into it.

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Posted

I don't think he is that interested, everything apart from that kiss attempt has been initiated by you.
How many "sexual advances" has he actually made?

  • Like 1
Posted

the fact that you are now trying to downgrade him to FWB is cringy as it shows that you are already over-invested in this clearly under-investing man and trying to keep him in your life by any means. He is one of those "passive reciprocators" where you will end up dating yourself. 

He is either lazy or not interested enough in you. None of which bode well for you. 

Please throw this one back and don't drop your standards or expectations for any man

we teach people how to treat us and what we permit, we promote. 

  • Like 3
Posted

I’d guess he’s not super interested, but doesn’t have much else going on in terms of prospects and is happy to go along for the ride, but he’s not going to be putting much effort in. Since you’ve lost interest anyways, no big loss. Next!

  • Like 2
Posted

OK... everyone says he's not interested... But... How old is he?   If we are talking about a mid 20's guy... he may just be clueless, and inexperienced.

But,  if you have already lost interest... then it's irrelevant.   

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