We have a date set - I haven't heard back from her for a few days

[compcloud]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm not quite sure why you believe you need some sort of recovery for doing exactly what she was doing. 

In fact according to your last post she was the one who set the precedent of waiting long periods of time to respond.

So you followed suit and waited one day to respond, oh the horror.  Lol

No I don't think you did anything wrong, you haven't even met yet.  If she's gonna get into a snoot and ghost you for waiting one day to respond to texts, when SHE had been doing the same thing prior, good riddance, you can do better. 

I realize that I really have to logical reason to have "recover". It's a little overwhelming to consider so many different reasons as to why she may have ghosted or how I pushed her away or made her think I was playing games. I personally don't think I did anything wrong but I certainly would like to know what I might be able to try to either get closure or have a shot with her again. Opportunities like this are so hard to find where I live and I was really hopeful- that's why I decided to post on a forum about this whole thing in the first place - to figure the best course of action or realize what went wrong. Like I've written before, I won't know 100% what's going on until this Saturday, and if it turns out to absolutely be ghosting and I don't hear back, then yeah, I do deserve better.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, compcloud said:

This is honestly the insight I think I really needed, and it's a bit of a wake up call. To be honest I was "playing the game" a little bit. I initially didn't want to because I always just reply whenever I get texts, but I figured she was playing with me because it took so long for her to reply to me sometimes. In the end I guess it was ironic because I thought I was being extra safe (since she was the first girl in a while that seemed like a realistic possibility ) by mirroring the way she texted with me. After she texted my number I tried answering sooner to see if she would reciprocate, but it wound up being more waiting on my end. We would be texting late at night back and forth and suddenly I wouldn't get a text until the next day, or I'd respond to her immediately midday and her next message would come at like 1am. I figured I had tried to make myself more available and she didn't reciprocate so I chose to wait a littler longer than usual that day since I was out with friends.

And you're right, it doesn't look good. It sucks imagining that I screwed it up in attempting to just play along with whatever she was doing. Do you have any suggestions for a recovery? I've accepted it's done at this point, or at least once Saturday comes with no replies. 

Writing this out almost makes me feel ridiculous with how much overthinking and calculating comes with texting these days!

Wow...this is really very different from your original description. I thought from your OP that you guys had a friendly back-and-forth going, then suddenly she just didn't answer you, after you waited a day to answer her.

Now it sounds like she was iffy from the start. I'm sorry to say this but now that you've posted the above, it sounds more like she was just trying to be polite but also putting lots of distance in there.

Then you let a day go by and she probably figured: okay, he got the message.

She wasn't going to answer you anymore after you'd taken the hint. No game was going to make her change her mind. You can see that once you were aloof it did the opposite of making her more interested. 

You seem awesome so don't take it personally. Somebody fantastic is waiting right around the corner for you! Now you know: if the person isn't interested then she isn't, and you can't "make" her be. Don't waste your time. Once you get that "meh" vibe just move along. But if you're getting "I'm interested" give it back without jumping all over her. Friendly back-and-forth that builds and ends in a date is the one to put your energy into.

Edited June 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, compcloud said:

I realize that I really have to logical reason to have "recover". It's a little overwhelming to consider so many different reasons as to why she may have ghosted or how I pushed her away or made her think I was playing games. I personally don't think I did anything wrong but I certainly would like to know what I might be able to try to either get closure or have a shot with her again. Opportunities like this are so hard to find where I live and I was really hopeful- that's why I decided to post on a forum about this whole thing in the first place - to figure the best course of action or realize what went wrong. Like I've written before, I won't know 100% what's going on until this Saturday, and if it turns out to absolutely be ghosting and I don't hear back, then yeah, I do deserve better.

No, you didn't do anything wrong. With the right person, your texts would be met happily, and pretty quickly. There's no "doing it wrong" when the other person just isn't into it enough. You did what an interested and mature person would do. You set up a date and you had fun conversations. With the right person that would be heaven. It will be - that interested girl will be more than happy to get a text from you.

[compcloud]

47 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Wow...this is really very different from your original description. I thought from your OP that you guys had a friendly back-and-forth going, then suddenly she just didn't answer you, after you waited a day to answer her.

Now it sounds like she was iffy from the start. I'm sorry to say this but now that you've posted the above, it sounds more like she was just trying to be polite but also putting lots of distance in there.

Then you let a day go by and she probably figured: okay, he got the message.

She wasn't going to answer you anymore after you'd taken the hint. No game was going to make her change her mind. You can see that once you were aloof it did the opposite of making her more interested. 

You seem awesome so don't take it personally. Somebody fantastic is waiting right around the corner for you! Now you know: if the person isn't interested then she isn't, and you can't "make" her be. Don't waste your time. Once you get that "meh" vibe just move along. But if you're getting "I'm interested" give it back without jumping all over her. Friendly back-and-forth that builds and ends in a date is the one to put your energy into.

I wish I could just post that chat here because I've been pretty bad at explaining how it went. It WAS very friendly and I was asked tons of questions about myself the whole time. The main point was that I sort of figured she was feigning some degree of disinterest just to seem like she wasn't too eager to text me, so I ended up doing it too. Her messages always showed her interest though, despite the fact that she wasn't immediately responding each and every time. For example she started randomly sending me pictures of her art throughout the day because I told her I really liked some of her work. She also sent me music recommendations and we talked a lot about school and what we are planning to get degrees in. They weren't necessarily LONG conversations, but we both seemed to be putting in equal effort. I've been ghosted before and I've been hit with dry responses (ie: yes, no, haha, etc.), and this girl seemed to take the time to always reply thoroughly AND THEN follow up with questions to keep the conversation going. THIS is why not only I'm confused, but my friends and family too, who I've talked about this too. The only thing that could be interpreted as disinterest was the fact that we weren't constantly texting every day, but rather shared a couple messages and maybe has some back-and-forths late at night. If she were just being polite the whole time I would question why she even decided to text me when I gave her my number, or why she would double text me to tell me more about herself and the art she makes and stuff like that. It doesn't really add up at all. 

My whole attitude going into this was that she was into me and I didn't wanna go overboard on reciprocating because I can be a pretty passionate guy. Hell, her first message to me was this flirtatious/jokey comment about how she wanted me "all over her". Obviously I'm feeling a "meh" vibe now, but that's only because she hasn't written back. Up until that very point there were no signs of her losing interest.. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer and I apologize for making my interactions with this girl so convoluted. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

23 minutes ago, compcloud said:

I wish I could just post that chat here because I've been pretty bad at explaining how it went. It WAS very friendly and I was asked tons of questions about myself the whole time. The main point was that I sort of figured she was feigning some degree of disinterest just to seem like she wasn't too eager to text me, so I ended up doing it too. Her messages always showed her interest though, despite the fact that she wasn't immediately responding each and every time. For example she started randomly sending me pictures of her art throughout the day because I told her I really liked some of her work. She also sent me music recommendations and we talked a lot about school and what we are planning to get degrees in. They weren't necessarily LONG conversations, but we both seemed to be putting in equal effort. I've been ghosted before and I've been hit with dry responses (ie: yes, no, haha, etc.), and this girl seemed to take the time to always reply thoroughly AND THEN follow up with questions to keep the conversation going. THIS is why not only I'm confused, but my friends and family too, who I've talked about this too. The only thing that could be interpreted as disinterest was the fact that we weren't constantly texting every day, but rather shared a couple messages and maybe has some back-and-forths late at night. If she were just being polite the whole time I would question why she even decided to text me when I gave her my number, or why she would double text me to tell me more about herself and the art she makes and stuff like that. It doesn't really add up at all. 

My whole attitude going into this was that she was into me and I didn't wanna go overboard on reciprocating because I can be a pretty passionate guy. Hell, her first message to me was this flirtatious/jokey comment about how she wanted me "all over her". Obviously I'm feeling a "meh" vibe now, but that's only because she hasn't written back. Up until that very point there were no signs of her losing interest.. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer and I apologize for making my interactions with this girl so convoluted. 

You're going back and forth. Earlier today you said she was taking a really long time answering you. You have an example of texting her I think in the afternoon and she didn't respond until 1AM.

Your story keeps changing. There's no way anyone can advise you if you're just going to keep rewriting the script.

You seemed sincere at the beginning of this thread but at this point I am getting a more 'playing games' vibe from you now and I think she probably did too and that's why she gave up. Just a guess though because you've now given at least three entirely different versions of the story.

Good luck in the future, I guess. If you can just be more genuine and on the level it's going to help. But if not...well, probably the same thing will happen again. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Edited June 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[compcloud]

15 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You're going back and forth. Earlier today you said she was taking a really long time answering you. You have an example of texting her In think inn the afternoon and she didn't respond until 1AM.

Your story keeps changing. There's no way anyone can advise you if you're just going to keep rewriting the script.

You seemed sincere at the beginning of this thread but at this point I am getting a more 'playing games' vibe from you now and I think she probably did too and that's why she gave up. Just a guess though because you've now given at least three entirely different versions of the story.

Good luck in the future, I guess. If you can just be more genuine and on the level it's going to help. But if not...well, probably the same thing will happen again. I hope you find what you're looking for.

The only thing I didn't clarify in my original post was that although we texted daily, it wasn't always consistent. That's what I delved into when I wrote about how random the texts would come because your post made me realize how I ended up mirroring her texting style (which I concluded was probably me "playing games", i'm not even entirely sure what that means as im relatively new to online dating i just figured you made a good point by saying she may have interpreted it as me messing with her) . As you pointed out, it's true that one day she ended up replying super late into the night for whatever reason.. I didn't really question it though because we both are strangers and I never expected either of us to answer the other instantly. The whole point of the post was me wondering what I should do because a girl I thought I had hit it off with and scheduled a date with randomly disappeared in the middle of an engaging conversation. Me trying to explain the nuances and specifics of my conversation with her on here in a clear and non-convoluted way is pretty hard unless i just uploaded the chat transcript. Anyways, you're insight has been really helpful and it's given me a lot to consider. I'm sorry for coming across insincere! I'm genuinely trying my best to explain myself and I'm not intentionally going back and forth, I feel like everything I've written is true and explained as best as I can. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by compcloud

[the tank]

I never set a date a week in advance. So many times it happen to me. You should just go on the next one. 

[dangerous]

Wow, so much analysing then no update since last week. Dude, way too much investment, and 99% sure she's ghosted. Any news?

[Roswell91]

On 6/16/2020 at 10:20 PM, compcloud said:

Yeah, I was never originally planning on doing anything like that because in the end, as strangers, we don't owe each other anything really. I think letting it go is the best option, and if she decides to write me by Saturday, I'll go with it if I haven't made other plans by then 

If she ends up ghosting you and you don't hear from her. Count it as a blessing.

Its rude to ignore a person like that. 

[Roswell91]

On 6/17/2020 at 7:30 AM, compcloud said:

I wish I could just post that chat here because I've been pretty bad at explaining how it went. It WAS very friendly and I was asked tons of questions about myself the whole time. The main point was that I sort of figured she was feigning some degree of disinterest just to seem like she wasn't too eager to text me, so I ended up doing it too. Her messages always showed her interest though, despite the fact that she wasn't immediately responding each and every time. For example she started randomly sending me pictures of her art throughout the day because I told her I really liked some of her work. She also sent me music recommendations and we talked a lot about school and what we are planning to get degrees in. They weren't necessarily LONG conversations, but we both seemed to be putting in equal effort. I've been ghosted before and I've been hit with dry responses (ie: yes, no, haha, etc.), and this girl seemed to take the time to always reply thoroughly AND THEN follow up with questions to keep the conversation going. THIS is why not only I'm confused, but my friends and family too, who I've talked about this too. The only thing that could be interpreted as disinterest was the fact that we weren't constantly texting every day, but rather shared a couple messages and maybe has some back-and-forths late at night. If she were just being polite the whole time I would question why she even decided to text me when I gave her my number, or why she would double text me to tell me more about herself and the art she makes and stuff like that. It doesn't really add up at all. 

My whole attitude going into this was that she was into me and I didn't wanna go overboard on reciprocating because I can be a pretty passionate guy. Hell, her first message to me was this flirtatious/jokey comment about how she wanted me "all over her". Obviously I'm feeling a "meh" vibe now, but that's only because she hasn't written back. Up until that very point there were no signs of her losing interest.. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer and I apologize for making my interactions with this girl so convoluted. 

And next time just call. If you want a confirmation about  the date. 

 

 

[compcloud]

5 hours ago, dangerous said:

Wow, so much analysing then no update since last week. Dude, way too much investment, and 99% sure she's ghosted. Any news?

She wrote back! 

[Amanda141]

How did it go?

[ChatroomHero]

I'll say this, if someone is highly interested, they will be excited to see you and they will make it clear they want to see you. If they are not, you will never really get closure, there is nothing specific you did or didn't do, they just aren't interested. If you step back and look from the outside it will be very easy to see. If you ask them out they say yes or no pretty much right off. No maybe, no 'I have no plans for Saturday yet but I will tell you if something better comes up before then', bs. If they tell you no because they are busy, if they are interested they will offer another day or if they say something like, "next week probably works"', they will have the ball in their court and next week contact you and say, "Can you do XXX day?".

If you ignore that voice in your head that really wants it to work and tries to make excuses for them when it looks like it won't,  it's pretty easy to determine their interest. I can honestly say any woman I have ever known that has been into me or into someone I know and has high interest, makes every effort to lock the guy down. If she keeps contacting you maybe there is some interest but if you ever have to wonder or post on a site like this asking if you have been ghosted or if she is starting to ghost, then answer is yes and she is maybe mildly interested at best.

"The main point was that I sort of figured she was feigning some degree of disinterest just to seem like she wasn't too eager to text me, so I ended up doing it too. Her messages always showed her interest though, despite the fact that she wasn't immediately responding each and every time. "

This looks to me like you took her actual display of low interest and rationalized it into her pretending to be disinterested to make you want her more. That's the voice in your head trying to make everything a win despite being a clear sign. I hope it works out but if you see evidence of her having low interest, ignoring it or excusing it away will probably just leave you more frustrated in the end.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, compcloud said:

She wrote back! 

So what did she say?

[Roswell91]

1 hour ago, ChatroomHero said:

I'll say this, if someone is highly interested, they will be excited to see you and they will make it clear they want to see you. If they are not, you will never really get closure, there is nothing specific you did or didn't do, they just aren't interested. If you step back and look from the outside it will be very easy to see. If you ask them out they say yes or no pretty much right off. No maybe, no 'I have no plans for Saturday yet but I will tell you if something better comes up before then', bs. If they tell you no because they are busy, if they are interested they will offer another day or if they say something like, "next week probably works"', they will have the ball in their court and next week contact you and say, "Can you do XXX day?".

If you ignore that voice in your head that really wants it to work and tries to make excuses for them when it looks like it won't,  it's pretty easy to determine their interest. I can honestly say any woman I have ever known that has been into me or into someone I know and has high interest, makes every effort to lock the guy down. If she keeps contacting you maybe there is some interest but if you ever have to wonder or post on a site like this asking if you have been ghosted or if she is starting to ghost, then answer is yes and she is maybe mildly interested at best.

"The main point was that I sort of figured she was feigning some degree of disinterest just to seem like she wasn't too eager to text me, so I ended up doing it too. Her messages always showed her interest though, despite the fact that she wasn't immediately responding each and every time. "

This looks to me like you took her actual display of low interest and rationalized it into her pretending to be disinterested to make you want her more. That's the voice in your head trying to make everything a win despite being a clear sign. I hope it works out but if you see evidence of her having low interest, ignoring it or excusing it away will probably just leave you more frustrated in the end.

He said she wrote back.

So im guessing  she is interested  after all .

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 minute ago, Roswell91 said:

He said she wrote back.

So im guessing  she is interested  after all .

 

We don't know yet what she wrote back.

If she wrote back some iffy thing that made no plans moving forward then she probably isn't interested.

If she wrote back apologizing for not having gotten back to him yet and yeah, she'd love to go hiking, then maybe she's interested after all.

[Roswell91]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

We don't know yet what she wrote back.

If she wrote back some iffy thing that made no plans moving forward then she probably isn't interested.

If she wrote back apologizing for not having gotten back to him yet and yeah, she'd love to go hiking, then maybe she's interested after all.

I really hope its the latter.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, Roswell91 said:

I really hope its the latter.

Me too! Let's wait and see...

[ChatroomHero]

14 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

We don't know yet what she wrote back.

If she wrote back some iffy thing that made no plans moving forward then she probably isn't interested.

If she wrote back apologizing for not having gotten back to him yet and yeah, she'd love to go hiking, then maybe she's interested after all.

Agreed. I have a feeling if she wrote back with agreeing to plans OP would have said so. Since he said "she wrote back" and nothing more, I would be willing to bet it was small talk nonsense and OP might take that as a good sign rather than what it really means. Keep him in her orbit, pen pal stuff.

[manfrombelow]

On 6/17/2020 at 12:56 AM, compcloud said:

A couple weeks ago I met a girl on Tinder and we hit it off pretty fast. After chatting for a few days and finding we had a lot in common, I suggested we meet up for a hike

1. Any outdoor physical activities are all bad ideas for first dates, for obvious reasons. You should have asked her to dinner, as simple as that.

Quote

Since then, we had been sending each other a couple texts per day, and on Saturday we agreed to meet up next Saturday.

2. You don't exchange texts daily. Phones are for setting up dates, not chit-chatting.

Quote

We never planned an exact time to get together

3. Mistake on your part. When you make plans, always make sure it's a definite date and time and venue.

Quote

so after she told me that Saturday worked, I said "for Saturday, are you down for a picnic?" (this was because we hadn't brought up the idea of a hike for about a week and I just wanted to make sure we would be on the same page about what we were doing). She never replied for about 2 whole days after I sent that, so after waiting for a while I sent her a gif saying "Hello" from her favorite movie yesterday as a light-hearted way to check in. Still nothing.

4. Women would want to have a fun-filled and relaxing dinner with you over good food, wine/beer... not a "picnic" because it's really something for established couples to do. Her silence said it all: You bored her to death. To make it even worse, you DOUBLE TEXTED her after your 1st text went no replied, which lowered your value even more. 

Quote

What am I supposed to do now?

5. NOTHING. You take her silence as it is: SHE.DOES.NOT.WANT.TO.DO.PICNIC.WITH.YOU. Stop sending her any more texts and start dating other women.

Quote

Do I assume the date is off?

6. YES. PLEASE!

Quote

It feels awful to think about sending another follow up the day of the date since I've already gotten no response two times.

7. Then don't do it. Stop lowering your value even more.

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by manfrombelow

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

1. Any outdoor physical activities are all bad ideas for first dates, for obvious reasons. You should have asked her to dinner, as simple as that.

Under normal circumstances dinner is a good date.  However for a 1st meeting it can be too much pressure. 

Right now there is a pandemic.  Outdoor socially distant activities are the only smart ways to get together.  Some places, like here, you cannot eat inside a restaurant.  

[compcloud]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Under normal circumstances dinner is a good date.  However for a 1st meeting it can be too much pressure. 

Right now there is a pandemic.  Outdoor socially distant activities are the only smart ways to get together.  Some places, like here, you cannot eat inside a restaurant.  

Bingo

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Under normal circumstances dinner is a good date.  However for a 1st meeting it can be too much pressure. 

Right now there is a pandemic.  Outdoor socially distant activities are the only smart ways to get together.  Some places, like here, you cannot eat inside a restaurant.  

This. Normally, people can meet indoors anytime and anywhere they want to, but right now with social distancing, everything's different. Outdoors is really safest and let's face it, on a first date, you often don't really know the person, not in a person-to-person way. Unless he or she is already a friend...even then, if you're not actually living with an individual, social distancing rules between you will apply.

I actually think a picnic is a fun and romantic first date but only if something "moving around" is planned as well. Like, eat and then take a walk in the park or...whatever. Just sitting and staring at someone for a couple hours for a first date has always felt a little weird to me. In the 80s it was often dinner for a first date and if you didn't hit it off with the person...well...yikes, super uncomfortable. Lunch would be less pressure for whatever reason (maybe because it's often informal?) but I always liked coffee dates, or dates that had no specific end-time you had to reach (like waiting for a dinner bill to arrive, or sitting at a movie or concert). And something where you didn't have to hyper-focus on one another for a couple hours. Like, walking around somewhere...a festival, a carnival, farmer's market, go for a walk and then ice cream, whatever.

Edited June 23, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Roswell91]

6 hours ago, compcloud said:

Bingo

What happened then. Are you two going  to meet

[SumGuy]

Why not a picnic with wine or cocktails, simply your bar restaurant in a blanket.  Not simply pb&j.