We have a date set - I haven't heard back from her for a few days

[compcloud]

2 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Generally speaking, 1st dates will have higher success rates if they take place in a venue where alcohol is served. It's easier to flirt, get her to open up, get her laughing, and escalate sexual tension into physical touch.  

I'm sure that's true, but I won't be able to go on any dates like that legally or about another year lol. On the other hand, my friends made a point (i was also pretty unsure about a hiking date since i'm not in the best shape since quarantine and all that) that hiking together would ease the tension of having to find conversation through first-date awkwardness because we would both be focusing on the hike and once we get to the top we will have accomplished something together, and the endorphins would be rushing etc. 

[compcloud]

3 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

If she hits you up last minute, and you're free, have her meet you at a bar next to your apartment, or something that require the bare minimum time and effort investment from you. I would scrap the hike idea. My advice. Take her on hikes when she's your girlfriend. Personally, I recommend telling her you're busy, but that you'd like to see her, and reschedule a definite date in the coming week. Don't eagerly jump up and run out to meet her at a moment's notice. 

Alright. That's a good plan. IF she messages me I'll tell her I have to reschedule

[compcloud]

3 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You’ve texted her so many times. I’d just forget about her.

Just twice over the course of 3 days, but yeah. That's the plan

Edited June 16, 2020 by compcloud

[rjc149]

1 minute ago, compcloud said:

hiking together would ease the tension of having to find conversation through first-date awkwardness 

Hmm. I don't think that's good advice. You want to flirt, banter, and escalate sexual tension on a 1st date. You want to have conversation. All conversation is going to be awkward at first, but you want to know if it can warm up with someone. 

Howabout coffee, ice cream, maybe a good taco or burger stand?

Sorry my advice is generally geared to the 25+ crowd. 

[Ellener]

I've got a date planned Saturday, I'll text tonight or tomorrow with the details I promised. It's a bit high maintenance for a first date really, but the virus had me wanting to do something outside and I was talking about this as something I'd like to do when he phones, so we'll see how it goes. It's a longer drive for him though so I'll certainly let him know if there's any change of plan and we already talked about the possibility of cancellation should the Covid numbers go change, we're 'orange alert' this week.

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

Sorry my advice is generally geared to the 25+ crowd. 

I was just thinking about age when you wrote this, as in is my advice relevant to a younger person?!

[rjc149]

3 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I was just thinking about age when you wrote this, as in is my advice relevant to a younger person?!

I'm assuming he's 19-20, college aged. My dates in college involved alcohol and pot. But, this was pre-Tinder and most women I dated I met through social circles etc. So the interaction was already warm and familiar. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

36 minutes ago, compcloud said:

Alright. That's a good plan. IF she messages me I'll tell her I have to reschedule

This is just more game playing. I would block her and move on. She will either be aloof about being flakey, or she will make some ridiculous excuse or lie as to why she didn't text you back.  Don't be a door mat.

[compcloud]

I just won't say anything back to her, focus on other options.

Edited June 16, 2020 by compcloud

[compcloud]

20 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

This is just more game playing. I would block her and move on. She will either be aloof about being flakey, or she will make some ridiculous excuse or lie as to why she didn't text you back.  Don't be a door mat.

 

You're not wrong.  I don't think I'm going to block her though. My last girlfriend flaked on me about 3 times before our first date and we ended up together for about 6 months and split amicably. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Just now, compcloud said:

You're not wrong.  I don't think I'm going to block her though. My last girlfriend flaked on me about 3 times before our first date and we ended up together for about 6 months and split amicably. 

I get it, you are also young so these games happen a lot more often. I am in my 40's and have almost zero patience for flakes and bad communication skills. Do what you say, and say what you mean. 

Good luck with it though  

[salparadise]

35 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I get it, you are also young so these games happen a lot more often. I am in my 40's and have almost zero patience for flakes and bad communication skills. Do what you say, and say what you mean. 

I agree. I wouldn't give her another chance after she confirmed a date and then ignored you. Unfortunately, women of all ages play games, not just juveniles. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and it fills some kind of need, validation I guess. You don't know if she ever had real intention of going out, if she changed her mind, or if you were just the entertainment du jour. Luring him in, creating expectation, then disrespecting and leaving him no recourse... could be just selfishness and ego, or it could be a passive aggressive thing fueled by misandry.

But regardless, this kind of stuff makes men distrustful, fosters animosity, and devalues the feminine gender... in the context of OLD particularly, but also generally. They might have fun laughing about how many dates they had set for the weekend, but ultimately this stuff is what has given OLD such a bad reputation. Zero tolerance is about all one can do about it.

[Hopeful30]

5 hours ago, compcloud said:

Yeah. It just sucks. I don't see why sending a confirmation the day of would do any harm though, unless for whatever reason that would destroy any future chances I could have with her. If she ghosted, I won't get a reply anyways. 

There is no harm, but you know what they say...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

[Hopeful30]

17 minutes ago, salparadise said:

... and devalues the feminine gender... 

The gender itself is irrelevant. This has to do with personality, upbringing, compatibility, and intention. These are unique to every individual. Be careful of such generalizations, you just might attract them...

[compcloud]

18 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I agree. I wouldn't give her another chance after she confirmed a date and then ignored you. Unfortunately, women of all ages play games, not just juveniles. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and it fills some kind of need, validation I guess. You don't know if she ever had real intention of going out, if she changed her mind, or if you were just the entertainment du jour. Luring him in, creating expectation, then disrespecting and leaving him no recourse... could be just selfishness and ego, or it could be a passive aggressive thing fueled by misandry.

But regardless, this kind of stuff makes men distrustful, fosters animosity, and devalues the feminine gender... in the context of OLD particularly, but also generally. They might have fun laughing about how many dates they had set for the weekend, but ultimately this stuff is what has given OLD such a bad reputation. Zero tolerance is about all one can do about it.

Yeah. The reality is that she definitely received my texts and she is actively choosing not to answer for whatever reason. Me writing her back to try and confirm again won't change this. By Saturday I will know for sure what's going on. Most likely radio silence - which would be my answer.. or she makes an excuse. In that case I'll try to gauge whether it seems genuine or not.

[compcloud]

4 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

There is no harm, but you know what they say...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

I'm not gonna be too hard on myself. I think I've done my best to be reasonable with her and act like I would with anyone else. In my eyes it's her that's missing out

[Hopeful30]

3 minutes ago, compcloud said:

Yeah. The reality is that she definitely received my texts and she is actively choosing not to answer for whatever reason. Me writing her back to try and confirm again won't change this. By Saturday I will know for sure what's going on. Most likely radio silence - which would be my answer.. or she makes an excuse. In that case I'll try to gauge whether it seems genuine or not.

It's not about what the "reality" is. It's about how you want to *feel* with this person. Your continuous reaching out and attempts to reach out suggest a neediness that increases without regular contact. It's possible that's what turned her off to begin with, so she went cold.

Either way, ask yourself why you continue to tolerate what leaves you feeling this way.

Edited June 17, 2020 by Hopeful30

[compcloud]

11 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

It's not about what the "reality" is. It's about how you want to *feel* with this person. Your continuous reaching out and attempts to reach out suggest a neediness that increases without regular contact. It's possible that's what turned her off to begin with, so she went cold.

Either way, ask yourself why you continue to tolerate what leaves you feeling this way.

I think there's been a misunderstanding because I haven't continuously tried reaching out. I was gone for a day and she sent me quite a few texts over the course of the day. Once I got home I responded and asked her if she wanted to go for a picnic for our date on Saturday. I waited 48 hours for a response and then I just sent her a playful gif saying "hi" from one of her favorite movies. That's all that happened. 

I've seen those cases of dudes spamming girls and making it incredibly awkward, asking why they didn't reply and harassing them. I think stuff like that is ridiculous and uncalled for - this shouldn't make me afraid of her getting "turned off" by just saying hi after not getting a reply for a couple days. For all I knew she could've forgotten to reply or something. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by compcloud

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

I agree. I wouldn't give her another chance after she confirmed a date and then ignored you. Unfortunately, women of all ages play games, not just juveniles. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, and it fills some kind of need, validation I guess. You don't know if she ever had real intention of going out, if she changed her mind, or if you were just the entertainment du jour. Luring him in, creating expectation, then disrespecting and leaving him no recourse... could be just selfishness and ego, or it could be a passive aggressive thing fueled by misandry.

But regardless, this kind of stuff makes men distrustful, fosters animosity, and devalues the feminine gender... in the context of OLD particularly, but also generally. They might have fun laughing about how many dates they had set for the weekend, but ultimately this stuff is what has given OLD such a bad reputation. Zero tolerance is about all one can do about it.

They are kids. They 're flaky. The above is pretty specific and convoluted. I doubt this kid is on some crusade to dangle men due to some secret misandrist plot. She's like 18 or something...she changed her mind...

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, compcloud said:

I think there's been a misunderstanding because I haven't continuously tried reaching out. I was gone for a day and she sent me quite a few texts over the course of the day. Once I got home I responded and asked her if she wanted to go for a picnic for our date on Saturday. I waited 48 hours for a response and then I just sent her a playful gif saying "hi" from one of her favorite movies. That's all that happened. 

I've seen those cases of dudes spamming girls and making it incredibly awkward, asking why they didn't reply and harassing them. I think stuff like that is ridiculous and uncalled for - this shouldn't make me afraid of her getting "turned off" by just saying hi after not getting a reply for a couple days. For all I knew she could've forgotten to reply or something. 

Maybe she thinks you blew her off or were playing games. Most people have their phones on them pretty much all the time. Especially in your age group.

Rightly or wrongly, she probably figured you were trying to play it cool and make her wait the day. I see that advice on here all the time and I see it backfire. I don't know why dudes don't think women realize there are "get her to chase you" rules. Guys...it is NOT a secret. I mean...they know. These games are ALL over the internet. You see "get guys to chase you" rules too, right? Would you not recognize those? None of this stuff is a secret, folksNobody's fooling anybody. Guys are told by the previous generation to pull back and be less available. So are women. Everybody pulls back and nobody gets anywhere half the time. this crap just doesn't work anymore, you guys.

Not to say you were playing a game, OP. You're young, you have a few things to learn at your age...everybody does. I'm just saying in general. I think you seem genuine and you probably figured it was no big deal. I'm more answering the "rules" I already see popping up here. The "I'm so busy busy busy" thing is harder to pull off in an age when people are on SM and almost always have a phone there or nearby. It is never going to work for the current generation the way it did a couple decades ago, when the now-middle aged were young and it was an effort to get to a phone if you were out, or you had a phone but charges for texts were high. Life's just different now. She knows unless you're performing surgery in a MASH unit under artillery fall, you probably have access to a phone within a couple of hours of a text...IF you're interested. 

As for you, OP...just answer the text next time/next girl. Something simple and quick, within a reasonable time. Especially with a new relationship. Like within a few hours if you're busy doing something. As a young person you have tons of options but so does she. You  could try one last text if you want but honestly it doesn't look good from here. But there are other girls.

Edited June 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[basil67]

The timing of her sending you a lot of texts and you not responding is likely part of the equation.

Further to answering texts in a timely manner, if you see them coming in and can't answer, I think a good response is to say "Hey, wanted to let you know that I'm really busy ATM and can't chat. I'd love to chat tonight if that suits"  or "Hey, I'm out with mates at the moment so can't talk.  I would love to catch up with you later tonight/tomorrow.  Talk soon xx"

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by basil67

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, compcloud said:

I think there's been a misunderstanding because I haven't continuously tried reaching out. I was gone for a day and she sent me quite a few texts over the course of the day. Once I got home I responded and asked her if she wanted to go for a picnic for our date on Saturday. I waited 48 hours for a response and then I just sent her a playful gif saying "hi" from one of her favorite movies. That's all that happened. 

I've seen those cases of dudes spamming girls and making it incredibly awkward, asking why they didn't reply and harassing them. I think stuff like that is ridiculous and uncalled for - this shouldn't make me afraid of her getting "turned off" by just saying hi after not getting a reply for a couple days. For all I knew she could've forgotten to reply or something. 

No doubt.  Things get very busy, conflicts come up, she is thinking about it, emergencies happen, all sorts of reasonable s*** comes up and also people flake....it can be dealt with if you deal with expectations...it is the expectation that causes you the angst.  It is certainly reasonable to wonder given she went from a lot to nothing...and you are right not to give two f*cks if what you did following up with the "hi" turned her off.  Forget the games and walking some attraction tight rope.  Forget seeking validation by venting frustrations.

Alas as people do flake and change their mind, and communication is good for planning.  I'd plan for a late confirmation...get something for a picnic that you'd also eat yourself, and also make plans with friends.  My friends in college were exceptionally chill, so could easily see what they were doing and they would hold a spot for me even if couldn't let them know until last minute.   So you take the zen road, you are ready and able but have plans.

Personally, in situations like this I've waited to the day before to reach out to confirm.  Like...."Was thinking we could meet here at x time, and hike up to y and picnic.  Realize things come up so if you can;t make it or having second thoughts that's fine just let me know."  For me it's just being specific like you are undisturbed about not hearing and still up for it and giving her an out without pressure.   Adults understand that plans change, and adults don't let poor communicators get them bent out of shape.   It's really about being secure enough to stand by your plans (even when she has been silent) and secure enough that you can take no for an answer.  Getting judgmental or accusatory or making some stand does nothing, and never makes one look good.   Taking the high road, at least for me, always makes me feel better than venting my spleen...not that I think you would do that.

Edited June 17, 2020 by SumGuy

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Further to answering texts in a timely manner, if you see them coming in and can't answer, I think a good response is to say "Hey, wanted to let you know that I'm really busy ATM and can't chat. I'd love to chat tonight if that suits"  or "Hey, I'm out with mates at the moment so can't talk.  I would love to catch up with you later tonight/tomorrow.  Talk soon xx"

I agree. Briefer IMO, but that general idea. 

Like...dude. You know she got your texts...well, she knows you got hers, too, right?

[compcloud]

57 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Maybe she thinks you blew her off or were playing games. Most people have their phones on them pretty much all the time. Especially in your age group.

Rightly or wrongly, she probably figured you were trying to play it cool and make her wait the day. I see that advice on here all the time and I see it backfire. I don't know why dudes don't think women realize there are "get her to chase you" rules. Guys...it is NOT a secret. I mean...they know. These games are ALL over the internet. You see "get guys to chase you" rules too, right? Would you not recognize those? None of this stuff is a secret, folksNobody's fooling anybody. Guys are told by the previous generation to pull back and be less available. So are women. Everybody pulls back and nobody gets anywhere half the time. this crap just doesn't work anymore, you guys.

Not to say you were playing a game, OP. You're young, you have a few things to learn at your age...everybody does. I'm just saying in general. I think you seem genuine and you probably figured it was no big deal. I'm more answering the "rules" I already see popping up here. The "I'm so busy busy busy" thing is harder to pull off in an age when people are on SM and almost always have a phone there or nearby. It is never going to work for the current generation the way it did a couple decades ago, when the now-middle aged were young and it was an effort to get to a phone if you were out, or you had a phone but charges for texts were high. Life's just different now. She knows unless you're performing surgery in a MASH unit under artillery fall, you probably have access to a phone within a couple of hours of a text...IF you're interested. 

As for you, OP...just answer the text next time/next girl. Something simple and quick, within a reasonable time. Especially with a new relationship. Like within a few hours if you're busy doing something. As a young person you have tons of options but so does she. You  could try one last text if you want but honestly it doesn't look good from here. But there are other girls.

This is honestly the insight I think I really needed, and it's a bit of a wake up call. To be honest I was "playing the game" a little bit. I initially didn't want to because I always just reply whenever I get texts, but I figured she was playing with me because it took so long for her to reply to me sometimes. In the end I guess it was ironic because I thought I was being extra safe (since she was the first girl in a while that seemed like a realistic possibility ) by mirroring the way she texted with me. After she texted my number I tried answering sooner to see if she would reciprocate, but it wound up being more waiting on my end. We would be texting late at night back and forth and suddenly I wouldn't get a text until the next day, or I'd respond to her immediately midday and her next message would come at like 1am. I figured I had tried to make myself more available and she didn't reciprocate so I chose to wait a littler longer than usual that day since I was out with friends.

And you're right, it doesn't look good. It sucks imagining that I screwed it up in attempting to just play along with whatever she was doing. Do you have any suggestions for a recovery? I've accepted it's done at this point, or at least once Saturday comes with no replies. 

Writing this out almost makes me feel ridiculous with how much overthinking and calculating comes with texting these days!

Edited June 17, 2020 by compcloud

[compcloud]

29 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

No doubt.  Things get very busy, conflicts come up, she is thinking about it, emergencies happen, all sorts of reasonable s*** comes up and also people flake....it can be dealt with if you deal with expectations...it is the expectation that causes you the angst.  It is certainly reasonable to wonder given she went from a lot to nothing...and you are right not to give two f*cks if what you did following up with the "hi" turned her off.  Forget the games and walking some attraction tight rope.  Forget seeking validation by venting frustrations.

Alas as people do flake and change their mind, and communication is good for planning.  I'd plan for a late confirmation...get something for a picnic that you'd also eat yourself, and also make plans with friends.  My friends in college were exceptionally chill, so could easily see what they were doing and they would hold a spot for me even if couldn't let them know until last minute.   So you take the zen road, you are ready and able but have plans.

Personally, in situations like this I've waited to the day before to reach out to confirm.  Like...."Was thinking we could meet here at x time, and hike up to y and picnic.  Realize things come up so if you can;t make it or having second thoughts that's fine just let me know."  For me it's just being specific like you are undisturbed about not hearing and still up for it and giving her an out without pressure.   Adults understand that plans change, and adults don't let poor communicators get them bent out of shape.   It's really about being secure enough to stand by your plans (even when she has been silent) and secure enough that you can take no for an answer.  Getting judgmental or accusatory or making some stand does nothing, and never makes one look good.   Taking the high road, at least for me, always makes me feel better than venting my spleen...not that I think you would do that.

Thank you, this is really good advice. I'm gonna try to take the "zen road" more often. I have a tendency to get so set on one thing or the other, I forget it's possible to be content with preparing for both possibilities. 

[poppyfields]

I'm not quite sure why you believe you need some sort of recovery for doing exactly what she was doing. 

In fact according to your last post she was the one who set the precedent of waiting long periods of time to respond.

So you followed suit and waited one day to respond, oh the horror.  Lol

No I don't think you did anything wrong, you haven't even met yet.  If she's gonna get into a snoot and ghost you for waiting one day to respond to texts, when SHE had been doing the same thing prior, good riddance, you can do better. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by poppyfields