Would you contact the dumper if the breakup was your fault?

[Jackx]

Would you guys contact your ex if the breakup was your fault ? And if she was single obviously.

 

So my ex left me a few months ago. I wasn’t always fully committed and we were both unsure if we saw a future together with each other. Obviously I still didn’t want to break up, but she got bored of me not committing 100%.

 

We had a few breaks but she never told me al the problems until the day we broke. She said she was ‘waiting for me to change’. I guess I should have asked her what the issue was but I think she could have communicated with me more. We were together for 15months. However I accept full responsibility. 

She said she is pretty sure we won’t be together this year but you never know what can happen. I have deleted her of everything so I can move on.

Would you contact her again after say a year? I know dumpee’s should go full NC but my actions are the reason for the breakup. It’s not like she left for someone else.

I may not even want her back in a year but we were good together and I still love her (for now). The only part I didn’t understand was she said we won’t be together this year. So I can only assume she want’s to find someone else because there should be no time limit, only when I can prove to her things would be different/better. 
 

Would anyone have a problem if there ex did sleep with other people later down the line and then you got back with her? Not sure how I feel about that🤨. My pride might get it the way.

Edited June 16, 2020 by Jackx

[FMW]

I would say contact her now (if you have questions about WHAT changes she wanted you to make).  I don't think it makes any sense to plan on contacting her in a year.  Is that just so you don't have to fully accept right now that it's over?

Either do it now, or just move on.  Maybe you'll cross paths again later, but don't plan on it.  Just get out there and live your life and meet new people.    

[Realitysux]

The I'll contact you in one year and not communicating with you is making you take too much blame. It's also keeping you in a warped limbo. That guys obviously not a person you should chose to be with. 

[DarrenB]

1 hour ago, Jackx said:

Would you guys contact your ex if the breakup was your fault ? And if she was single obviously.

No - especially if it was due to something I had done. The only reason you'd contact an ex after a breakup is to gain further form of closure to help you move forward or to reconcile out of pure desperation, which is not something I would recommend unless you've spent a significant amount of time together and with there being something worth salvaging.

1 hour ago, Jackx said:

So my ex left me a few months ago. I wasn’t always fully committed and we were both unsure if we saw a future together with each other. Obviously I still didn’t want to break up, but she got bored of me not committing 100%.

If you are not FULLY committed to someone in a relationship then what is the point of being in one in the first place? It sounds as if she's done the mature and considerate thing for herself by leaving you to do her own thing. You are aware of your own actions and should be able to understand of the repercussions that may follow by constantly doing them - it shouldn't take her breaking up with you for you to realize the consequences.

1 hour ago, Jackx said:

Would you contact her again after say a year? I know dumpee’s should go full NC but my actions are the reason for the breakup. It’s not like she left for someone else.

I may not even want her back in a year but we were good together and I still love her (for now). The only part I didn’t understand was she said we won’t be together this year. So I can only assume she want’s to find someone else because there should be no time limit, only when I can prove to her things would be different/better. 

What people say during or after a breakup can often be misconstrued leading to an abundance of confusion and 'false hope' from the dumper to the dumpee. At this point she is free to do what she pleases, vise versa for yourself. If I was you I wouldn't look into it too much otherwise you may find yourself in a predicament where you're ready to fully commit to her after a period of time but she has already moved on. 

 

1 hour ago, Jackx said:

Would anyone have a problem if there ex did sleep with other people later down the line and then you got back with her? Not sure how I feel about that🤨. My pride might get it the way.

Again you're over-analyzing the future and looking into it too much. You may potentially reconcile after time, you might not. Focus on the present as oppose to the future, it may work out better for you that way.

[Jackx]

21 minutes ago, FMW said:

I would say contact her now (if you have questions about WHAT changes she wanted you to make).  I don't think it makes any sense to plan on contacting her in a year.  Is that just so you don't have to fully accept right now that it's over?

Either do it now, or just move on.  Maybe you'll cross paths again later, but don't plan on it.  Just get out there and live your life and meet new people.    

She’s just not having it. We were in contact  like every week up until now. She would sound pissed off when I called her. There is no changing her mind anytime soon. I know her, she is a stubborn girl and has pride.

I told her why she never told me what I was doing wrong & she said I am a man and I should know. Yup.

With regards to contacting her in a year. I feel that amount of time is long enough for feelings to blow over. It’s different with every couple. But everyone says the dumper normally contact you after 6months. I’m not getting my hopes up. She could have find a new guy next year.  I never thought I would be able to delete her off ALL social and I did & I feel free now.

I would like to forget her and move on with my life & if I have the urge to contact her next year, then I will do so. But getting back with her soon is a no, she has made that clear. 

[d0nnivain]

What I would do is irrelevant.  This is about what you should do.  

You don't really want this woman back.  You are bored.  You kinda miss her her  & you think she would fall back into your arms if you just apologized & asked.  In reality you plan to string her along because you are still not fully committed.  You are not sure if you will want her in a year.  You also will be a huge [fill in derogatory word] if she had the temerity to have a sex life that didn't include you at a point in time after she kicked you out of her life.  

Do this poor woman a favor & leave her alone.  She doesn't need you back in her life temporarily on a half hearted basis because you can't be bothered to find a different woman to string along. 

It's done. Leave it be.  

plus if she expects you to be a mind reader you don't need that in your life.  A quality partner communicates.  

Edited June 16, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Jackx]

15 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

If you are not FULLY committed to someone in a relationship then what is the point of being in one in the first place? It sounds as if she's done the mature and considerate thing for herself by leaving you to do her own thing. You are aware of your own actions and should be able to understand of the repercussions that may follow by constantly doing them - it shouldn't take her breaking up with you for you to realize the consequences.

 

She was my first relationship. We moved in together after like 2months. So it was all new to me. I’m 24, she’s 26.  I was caught up in having no money to pay for rent and worrying about paying for education at the same time. So I wasn’t thinking clearly.

Buy I have now fallen into the category of   ‘You don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone’. I could care less about the money now. 
 

Yeah I shouldn’t have let it got to this point. Period. I just feel if we sat down before the breakup and talked about the issues and how we could resolve them . Things could be different, but that never happened. I was just given my one strike and I was outta there. As s*** as breakups are there are positives I will take away from this.

[Jackx]

35 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

I actually offered to pay for a deposit on a house for us. So I believe I am committed. You cannot really comment on that.

How does me not knowing if I want her in a year prove I’m less committed? She is my ex. She is not my girlfriend. I’m not going to get my hopes up for a year and then come the day I contact her she has moved on and happy without me. It’s the healthiest option to do. Do I wish I could get her back this year ?Ofcourse. Do I wish I could get her back next year? Ofcourse but I still have to stay in reality for my own sake.

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What I would do is irrelevant.  This is about what you should do.  

You don't really want this woman back.  You are bored.  You kinda miss her her  & you think she would fall back into your arms if you just apologized & asked.  In reality you plan to string her along because you are still not fully committed.  You are not sure if you will want her in a year.  You also will be a huge [fill in derogatory word] if she had the temerity to have a sex life that didn't include you at a point in time after she kicked you out of her life.  

Do this poor woman a favor & leave her alone.  She doesn't need you back in her life temporarily on a half hearted basis because you can't be bothered to find a different woman to string along. 

It's done. Leave it be.  

plus if she expects you to be a mind reader you don't need that in your life.  A quality partner communicates.  

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, Jackx said:

I actually offered to pay for a deposit on a house for us. So I believe I am committed. You cannot really comment on that.

Before or after she broke up with you?

[Jackx]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Before or after she broke up with you?

After. We hadn’t been in the new flat long. We never really talked about houses as we were happy to stay there for a bit. We talked about marriage and kids & how we wanted this but house not so much. We weren’t in a rush. 

[ShyViolet]

You said so many things that show that you are not even fully committed to this girl.  "I wasn't always fully committed,... we were both unsure if we saw a future together.... I may not even want her back in a year...... I still love her (for now)"

Those are all quotes from your first post.  Your feelings towards this girl are very wishy-washy, ambivalent, lukewarm.  She deserves better and she decided that she wants better.  What would be the point of you contacting her again??  Find someone who you can have a better connection with.

[d0nnivain]

regarding the time line are you saying you want to wait a whole year -- be apart for that long then pop up out of nowhere in an attempt to reconcile after a year of NC?  

Do not do that.  A year after the fact with silence in between there she doesn't want to hear from you.  She will be well & truly done with you by then. 

If you want to say your piece in an effort to get some closure because she threw you out after one strike so you never got to discuss this or possibly work to find a solution, that ship sailed.  You fix what's not working in a relationship before you break up not months or worse years after the fact.  

This really was a live & learn situation for you.  You need to get to know somebody before you live with them.   Date for at least a year.  Never move in just to save money.  Only move in because you want the level of commitment that represents.  

It's over.  Just leave it be. 

As I ended my 1st response, since your EX admitted she never talked to you about her issues but insisted that you should have just known, that is BS.  She had an obligation to clearly communicate to you what was bothering her.  Because she failed to do that & now wants to punish you for not being able to read her mind, trust me, she's a lousy person to be in a relationship with.  Don't go looking for more trouble.  You may have been an inexperienced BF, in over your head & therefore not that great but she has issues too. 

[Jackx]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You said so many things that show that you are not even fully committed to this girl.  "I wasn't always fully committed,... we were both unsure if we saw a future together.... I may not even want her back in a year...... I still love her (for now)"

Those are all quotes from your first post.  Your feelings towards this girl are very wishy-washy, ambivalent, lukewarm.  She deserves better and she decided that she wants better.  What would be the point of you contacting her again??  Find someone who you can have a better connection with.

Yeah I see why you think that. I was scared at the time ‘cause she was my first GF and thought my life was set in stone now & I am still young but I I've realised I’m happy to be a one relationship man if it means I get to spend my life with her.

I said I might not want her next year because I knew I’d get replies from people on here saying ‘give up’. ‘It’s over’. Which I don’t wanna hear😬. I will move on but never give up.

[Jackx]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

regarding the time line are you saying you want to wait a whole year -- be apart for that long then pop up out of nowhere in an attempt to reconcile after a year of NC?  

Do not do that.  A year after the fact with silence in between there she doesn't want to hear from you.  She will be well & truly done with you by then. 

If you want to say your piece in an effort to get some closure because she threw you out after one strike so you never got to discuss this or possibly work to find a solution, that ship sailed.  You fix what's not working in a relationship before you break up not months or worse years after the fact.  

This really was a live & learn situation for you.  You need to get to know somebody before you live with them.   Date for at least a year.  Never move in just to save money.  Only move in because you want the level of commitment that represents.  

It's over.  Just leave it be. 

As I ended my 1st response, since your EX admitted she never talked to you about her issues but insisted that you should have just known, that is BS.  She had an obligation to clearly communicate to you what was bothering her.  Because she failed to do that & now wants to punish you for not being able to read her mind, trust me, she's a lousy person to be in a relationship with.  Don't go looking for more trouble.  You may have been an inexperienced BF, in over your head & therefore not that great but she has issues too. 

I just don’t know how to go about this. I know the best thing is to give up. But I just can’t yet. I’m still in love with this girl.

Yeah she should have communicated more but I should have treated her better too. We all have our flaws.

I know the moving in was quick but I was basically living at her old place, slept there almost every night & we got on really well. Then she got the new flat and asked me to join her.

I think I will just leave her be for a couple more months. Sort my life out & then contact her. It’s coming up to almost two months since the breakup & we haven’t had more than 30days of NC yet. If I don’t get a response or feel she’s not interested then I’ll give up and accept my fate.

Yes yes this is a bad idea I know but it’s better then waiting a full year and starting all over again🤷🏻‍♂️

 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is a reason you were not fully committed, a reason you are minimizing or ignoring now. Most likely you weren't that into her. And you're right about one thing: she should have told you what she was unhappy with. So that failure to do so speaks about her own immaturity. 

You cannot have a relationship with a partner that won't speak up about what they want or what they're unhappy. Relationships are some mind-reading club. They require lots of discussions to work through differences. 

The problem with thinking about contacting her in a year is ... that this will undermine your year. People who are dumped are vulnerable to the reunion fantasy. She'll change her mind. I'll show her ... that's mostly nonsense, fantasy. But dude, this was NEVER going to work if she didn't speak her mind. So the language I would use is she expected you to be a mindreader ... and she wasn't fully committed to the relationship. To be fully committed means you go up to your partner when you're unhappy ... and you explain why you're feeling bad about an element of the relationship and then you try to negotiate and work things out.

You weren't the only one not committed. She was not committed--and she stands by her fantasy that a partner should read her mind. Dude, her view is so out there impossible and immature--you're overlooking how immature that is.  Little kids think mom can read their mind, but mom brought the kid into the world and can read the most subtle changes in the kid's energy. Adults don't expect others to know what we're thinking.

Her silence is not the behavior of an adult. 

 

[rjc149]

I wouldn't. 

Your time is better spent forming new relationships than trying to resuscitate dead ones. 

The situation in which it's up to you to reach out and try to reconcile with a dumper, is if you cheated on her or f--ked up majorly in some way that caused her to dump you. 

She dumped you because you generally weren't a boyfriend that could meet her needs. Which, she failed to communicate to you clearly and effectively. So this isn't 100% on you. 

Remain in no contact. If she reaches out, take 24-48 hours to respond, and do so politely, but curtly and without inviting further dialogue. Do not initiate contact. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Jackx said:

It’s coming up to almost two months since the breakup & we haven’t had more than 30days of NC yet. If I don’t get a response or feel she’s not interested then I’ll give up and accept my fate.

Yes yes this is a bad idea I know but it’s better then waiting a full year and starting all over again🤷🏻‍♂️

 

  No you have it all wrong.  NC is not some cooling off period.  It's a way for you to preserve your dignity & heal.  It's also forever.  Once you are broken up other than if you randomly bump into the person, there is never a reason to keep in touch. 

If you have a problem in your relationship, you work together to fix it.  If one party isn't open to doing the work, then it's over.  Relationship break ups default to the one who wants out.  

When you don't talk for a few days or more it's either the silent treatment which is childish, mean & counterproductive or it's out of sight out of mind.  That is where she is.  From her perspective it's good riddance.  If you pop back up after you have "sorted your life out"  you will just be a bad penny she can't get rid of.  

[Jackx]

Yeah I agree with everything said. I don’t think she fully understands yet that she should have communicated properly. I would be able to move on quicker if she accepted she had a role to play in the breakup too. 
 

She does have trouble opening up about her feelings I just hope she fixes that for her sake.

[Atwood]

25 minutes ago, Jackx said:

Yeah I agree with everything said. I don’t think she fully understands yet that she should have communicated properly. I would be able to move on quicker if she accepted she had a role to play in the breakup too. 
 

She does have trouble opening up about her feelings I just hope she fixes that for her sake.

I second the notion to just leave her be for good. The ship has sailed. 

Sometimes people try to communicate with us and their concerns fall on deaf ears because we're not paying attention. You not committing 100% must have been a topic of conversation before the break-up, surely? Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you saying that you had no clue whatsoever that she wanted you to commit fully until the day you broke up? Isn't moving in together a pretty big signal? I'm not saying you need to be a mind-reader, but it sounds like communication was down on both sides. Agreeing to move in with someone and then not committing 100% is a pretty mixed signal. 

Why does she need to accept her role? I understand there's a lack of closure there if you feel you're the only one owning up to your faults, but you cannot wait for that before you can move on. Many people who experience extremely negative and painful treatment from partners have to move on without even an acknowledgement of their behaviour sometimes. It's horrible and feels difficult to move on from, but you cannot let it stop you from doing so. A lot of people never admit to their mistakes. 

Hopefully she will reflect on her actions and use what she has learned more effectively in future relationships, and so can you. It's just not going to be with each other. 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Atwood

[Jackx]

30 minutes ago, Atwood said:

I second the notion to just leave her be for good. The ship has sailed. 

Sometimes people try to communicate with us and their concerns fall on deaf ears because we're not paying attention. You not committing 100% must have been a topic of conversation before the break-up, surely? Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you saying that you had no clue whatsoever that she wanted you to commit fully until the day you broke up? Isn't moving in together a pretty big signal? I'm not saying you need to be a mind-reader, but it sounds like communication was down on both sides. Agreeing to move in with someone and then not committing 100% is a pretty mixed signal. 

Why does she need to accept her role? I understand there's a lack of closure there if you feel you're the only one owning up to your faults, but you cannot wait for that before you can move on. Many people who experience extremely negative and painful treatment from partners have to move on without even an acknowledgement of their behaviour sometimes. It's horrible and feels difficult to move on from, but you cannot let it stop you from doing so. A lot of people never admit to their mistakes. 

Hopefully she will reflect on her actions and use what she has learned more effectively in future relationships, and so can you. It's just not going to be with each other. 

When we we’re at the old flat, I think the day she asked me to move in. I was still unsure how she felt about me. I had to ask her. Like I said she has trouble expressing how she feels sometimes, because she does not want to get hurt.

We had a break before we broke up. But it wasn’t even a break, we were still messaging the day after like normal. She didn’t explain why she was unhappy, only that she was unhappy & I told her we can make this work.

I guess it’s my fault for not asking more questions, I should have realised that she has trouble opening up. I just thought the first time she never opened up was because we hadn’t been dating that long. I never thought that it would be the case later on. My inexperience did not help things.

Its like I’ve seen people who cheat get second chances & with ours it’s down to miscommunication, inexperience & uncertainty. Her comment that ‘I am a man and I should know what was wrong’ after the breakup it’s true in a way, but I feel that is not fair if we don’t sit down and she tells me EVERYTHING that I’m doing wrong so I can change.

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Jackx said:

 Her comment that ‘I am a man and I should know what was wrong’ after the breakup it’s true in a way, but I feel that is not fair if we don’t sit down and she tells me EVERYTHING that I’m doing wrong so I can change.

No.  She also has to change.  Her comment shows that she is an unfit partner.  

Dude, she is punishing you for not being able to read her mind.  That is ridiculous.  

[Atwood]

2 hours ago, Jackx said:

When we we’re at the old flat, I think the day she asked me to move in. I was still unsure how she felt about me. I had to ask her. Like I said she has trouble expressing how she feels sometimes, because she does not want to get hurt.

We had a break before we broke up. But it wasn’t even a break, we were still messaging the day after like normal. She didn’t explain why she was unhappy, only that she was unhappy & I told her we can make this work.

I guess it’s my fault for not asking more questions, I should have realised that she has trouble opening up. I just thought the first time she never opened up was because we hadn’t been dating that long. I never thought that it would be the case later on. My inexperience did not help things.

Its like I’ve seen people who cheat get second chances & with ours it’s down to miscommunication, inexperience & uncertainty. Her comment that ‘I am a man and I should know what was wrong’ after the breakup it’s true in a way, but I feel that is not fair if we don’t sit down and she tells me EVERYTHING that I’m doing wrong so I can change.

Thank you for clarifying! It does seem you were kept in the dark about a lot of things and you really did need for her to be a little bit more open. I admire your willingness to take accountability for not questioning her for your own clarity, but I don't think it's entirely your fault. I imagine that in future you will seek more clarity and openness in future relationships and we can only hope she is more introspective in future about her communication. 

I do think it's for the best you let each other go. The kind of hurt she may have been through to result in her clamming up may require therapy and for her to work on herself for a while and she has that option whilst she's left alone to recover and you can start fresh with someone new. 

[Jackx]

So I called her the other day. I had to clear everything before I go full NC. I told her that we should have sat down and spoke about things & that if she is going to try and find the ‘perfect partner’ she will have a lot of heartache. I told her she never really cared because she would have given me a second chance or tried to make things work. She said she did give me a second chance. 
 

I did break up with her for one day around November/moved back home. I got back with her the next day. I was just confused, I wanted to save money before I went to uni (which I’ve decided against now) & I had zero money. So I went back home. But we were still together. I couldn’t really afford to buy her things/take her out while living at the flat, which I wanted to. But I realised it was selfish for me to move out. I regret not taking things slower with her.

She said I should have moved back to the flat. That was my second chance, but I told her to come and live with me & my parents but she has cats & wouldn’t get along with my dog. She said it wouldn’t work.

Before we broke up she said I’m not capable of change. When I rang her she said it’s over. I’ve been working out every day & I told her I’ve got an apprenticeship now. She said that I am still a boy & that I should use my changes for my next GF.

She is Hungarian and moved to the uk on her own when she was 16. So she see’s me living with my parents as an easy life. Which is not fair. I’m 24. Saving for a house. It’s like she feels hard done by because I am ‘privileged’ and I didn’t have the same upbringing as her.

Either way I got to explain how I felt. I’m done contacting her because there’s no changing her mind soon but I’m not giving up. She is yet to see the person I have become/will continue to be. She will never be with the person I used to be, I agreed with her. But she cannot speak for my future, better, more understanding self.

When I am happy with the person I’ve become and happy with my changes. & feel I am my best self. I will then contact her & if she still doesn’t want me. Then I will give up. But right now, I have not shown her. Only my words. Actions are needed. The breakup is still fresh.

You cannot expect someone to come back when you yourself believe you haven’t changed fully.

You will say to give up and let go. I am letting go, Just not loosing hope. I am a hopeless romantic & she has every right to be upset but I just wish she was more understanding and less stubborn.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Jackx

[d0nnivain]

She has a vision for her future & expectations for her partner.  They do not include living with her 24 year old BF at his parents' house.  Your offer to have her move in with your family was almost insulting.  I never would have done that.  

Being a hopeless romantic is lovely but there is a dose of reality needed here.  By the time you finish changing, growing up & getting your finances in order, she's going to be farther down the road of life & farther away from you.  Do take her advice & let your next GF be the beneficiary of all the upgrades in your life.  

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

She has a vision for her future & expectations for her partner.  They do not include living with her 24 year old BF at his parents' house.  Your offer to have her move in with your family was almost insulting.  I never would have done that.  

Being a hopeless romantic is lovely but there is a dose of reality needed here.  By the time you finish changing, growing up & getting your finances in order, she's going to be farther down the road of life & farther away from you.  Do take her advice & let your next GF be the beneficiary of all the upgrades in your life.  

This is 100% accurate.  I’m older than 24, but I’m pretty sure even at that age I would’ve Refused to live with my boyfriend and his parents.  I think she’s just looking for someone who’s got there life a bit more together.  You’re still young so it’s ok that you don’t have it all together yet, as long as you’re working towards it.  
 

You should move on and work on being the best version of yourself, you’ll find someone else.