do I have to make peace with my bf drinking?

[h0000]

Here we have a big drinking culture. My bf drinks to his friends every few weeks and gets little drunk, and every few months and gets big drunk. I on the other hand do not drink at all and I get super annoyed when he’s drunk because he can’t make conversations, hes too tired to do anything with me, he can’t sleep and keeps tossing so I can’t sleep either. Sometimes Im so tired after a sleepless night but the next day need to pull myself together and work. 
On the other hand, he is responsible enough that he won’t let himself go into black out or to cause any trouble, he always makes sure he knows what’s happening and can walk and get himself home safe.he doesn't get aggressive, or rude, or embarrassing, or anything like that (thank god).
So what should I do here? When I ask him to drink less he goes “but I’m really having a good time with my friends”...Am I being to fussy and sucking the fun out of him and his friends ? Should I relax and find a way to handle it myself? We are in our mid 20s

Edited June 15, 2020 by h0000

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This could be a deal breaker for someone that doesn't drink, but it sounds like you have been together for a while, so by now you have had time to figure whether it was for you.

Obviously an ultimatum isn't going to work, but if, like you said, he tries to drink responsibly and your relationship is good in general, then you should try to find some sort of compromise that seems fair to both of you.   

For example, if he can't sleep properly the night he goes out drinking, it should be agreed that he should sleep on the couch or spare bed, so as not to disturb you.  I think that is a fair compromise. 

Think about something along those lines.

[ShyViolet]

You've already tried asking him to drink less and he wasn't interested in hearing that or changing his behavior.  This is just going to be how he is.  He might grow up and stop doing this someday, grow out of his "partying phase" but if that happens it will be a long time from now... perhaps many years.  You're going to have to decide if this is something you want to put up with, or if it bothers you so much that you want to break up.  Because you can't change him.

[jspice]

Smoking is an absolute NO for me. 
I’d prefer someone who doesn’t drink but I’m Ok with one or two drinks. 
 

Getting drunk regularly would be my line. 
 

You have to figure out what your line, so your question in the title is only for you to answer. 

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, h0000 said:

So what should I do here?

Accept the fact that your boyfriend likes to drink and to remain with him means you're going to have to accept that he drinks.  You're also going to have to accept that you will not get a good night's sleep when he's with you; you'll be tired the morning after one of his drinking episodes and you're going to have to manage your irritation if you insist upon staying with him.

He's already let you know the drinking isn't going to stop. Outside of moving out and living separately, there's nothing you can do to control him--you can only control yourself.

But to answer the question in the title of your post: Yes. You do if you insist upon being with him.

Edited June 15, 2020 by kendahke

[schlumpy]

If he is an alcoholic then it would be prudent for you to have a exit plan in place that you can activate.

Can he go for long periods of time without drinking? Is he drinking at home every night also?

[Gaeta]

12 hours ago, h0000 said:

Here we have a big drinking culture. My bf drinks to his friends every few weeks and gets little drunk, and every few months and gets big drunk.

Every few weeks and every few months sounds like all the 20 something out there. When he comes back from partying he sleeps in the guests room or on the couch. 

Personally I have 0 tolerance for alcohol or drugs. I have never been with drinkers. 

 

[BaileyB]

It’s his decision, you can’t really ask him to drink less... Your choices are, accept that this is what he likes to do or end the relationship. 

To be honest, his drinking doesn’t sound excessive for someone his age. That said, it is excessive to you. Especially because you do not drink alcohol. It would also be excessive to me, who enjoys the occasional drink but does not drink to get drunk. So, assuming he is not willing to change his behavior you have to decide if it’s tolerable or not. Only you can make that decision. 

[d0nnivain]

What you should do is recognize that the two of you are fundamentally incompatible & move on.  You can't make somebody else stop drinking for you.  If he doesn't stop for himself then this is a deal breaker & it will eventually destroy your relationship.  Ending it in a civilized way now is better.  

[Ruby Slippers]

It's up to you whether you want to live with that. If you stay with him, I'd definitely insist he sleep on the couch or in another room on the nights he comes home drunk so he doesn't keep you up with his tossing and turning. You shouldn't have to suffer because of his partying.

[deepthinking]

He will be at the bars  after work while you're at home with your child, baby-sitting. Not yet but...

If you want to settle down, this guy is not the one.

[Miss Spider]

Why do you have to? You know, you’re allowed to have dealbreakers. You’re not married to this guy. Drinking is a big one for a lot of people. It makes people really different, annoying, difficult to communicate with,  lowers  inhibitions, sleepy, hung over etc 

 

 

most people don’t mind it but it’s OK if you do. I think when two people drink at different levels it can make the relationship a lot more difficult than if you guys both roughly drink the same amount

Edited June 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, deepthinking said:

He will be at the bars  after work while you're at home with your child, baby-sitting.

Considering the OP said her BF says he goes out every few weeks, your conclusion is a pretty big leap.  

Still their individual views on drinking are so different they are in compatible 

[deepthinking]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Considering the OP said her BF says he goes out every few weeks, your conclusion is a pretty big leap.  

Still their individual views on drinking are so different they are in compatible 

Every few weeks. Would be enough for me to be wary. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by deepthinking

[h0000]

11 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If he is an alcoholic then it would be prudent for you to have a exit plan in place that you can activate.

Can he go for long periods of time without drinking? Is he drinking at home every night also?

Generally he only drinks when he's with friends. So no drinking at home on school days. I do have deal breakers and trust me, the list is not short. Drinking reasonably is not on it. I don't have problem with people who drinks, just because I don't. 

His drinking is not any more than other people our age but it's about my upper limit. Any more than that I wouldnt want to handle. He did drink a bit more often lately but he says everybody got little too excited after the restriction lifted. He agreed to slow down and also not get drunk if I have to work. I'll see. I think that's the solution for now.

Edited June 16, 2020 by h0000

[Lotsgoingon]

Doesn't matter that he now drinks only with friends ... the more time he spends with you ... the more he'll drink while with you ... you're right on the verge of making excuses. I would not date someone who gets drunk regularly ... he's careful ... well hold on ... that's a contradiction in terms ... getting drunk inherently impairs brain function. I know what you're saying, he has some kind of safety instincts that kick in ... But you do know drinking impairs cognition and reaction and clear thinking. 

Forget about what other people are doing. You aren't married other people ... You've brought this issue up ... he's basically dismissed you ...you're stepping into trouble every day you stay with him ... and he'll rightly say, "you knew I got drunk all alone" ... if you ever call him again on this.

We're not dating an average, median person. All of us had little quirks ... so what that a lot of people drink and get drunk. If you don't like it, that ain't gonna work for you. Find someone you like who doesn't get drunk. 

[h0000]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

you're right on the verge of making excuses. .

If you don't like it, that ain't gonna work for you. Find someone you like who doesn't get drunk.

Maybe, but haven't found anyone better yet. Easy to find someone who doesnt drink, but not easy to find someone who also ticks all my other boxes.

[Lotsgoingon]

I just have to say: this won't work ... keep dating ... no finding a good partner may not be "easy." ... Sure ... but dating someone who regularly gets drunk is so weighted towards disaster. If you're nervous at this now. if you got guy more serious, you'll only be more worried ... and trust me he probably drinks more than you think. He just doesn't tell you all the time.

I mean you could hope he stops drinking ... but google "married to an addict" ... or "married to an alcoholic" or  "my boyfriend/husband drinks too much" ... or "my boyfriend gets drunk a lot" ... and see what you come up with. I'm not assuming your bf is an alcoholic by the way. But if you're even asking this question, that means this worries you quite a bit. 

Just go out there and google. 

 

Edited June 16, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[5x5]

4 hours ago, h0000 said:

Generally he only drinks when he's with friends. So no drinking at home on school days. I do have deal breakers and trust me, the list is not short. Drinking reasonably is not on it. I don't have problem with people who drinks, just because I don't. 

His drinking is not any more than other people our age but it's about my upper limit. Any more than that I wouldnt want to handle. He did drink a bit more often lately but he says everybody got little too excited after the restriction lifted. He agreed to slow down and also not get drunk if I have to work. I'll see. I think that's the solution for now.

Well there is the possibility that his alcohol consumption may increase given more time.

Yet it also may not, so if it isn't crossing the line for you then you can live with it. That said there's nothing wrong with you expressing your concern. Yet by the same token if he likes doing that and doesn't want to stop that's his choice, not yours.

So it comes back to do you want to live with it or not.

For what it's worth he may wind it back significantly or even give it up when he gets older.

Way back when I was in my mid 20s, I drank alcohol in a similar way although the frequency was sometimes a bit higher. Of which I did have fun on the occasions I got drunk with my friends, and don't regret it at all. Since at the time I was a former Regular Army professional soldier who worked hard at a full time civilian job, and was also an Army Reserve infantry NCO. So I worked hard and played hard as well.

Yet following marrying my wife in the year I turned 28, which we followed with our first child a bit over a year later. My alcohol consumption fell significantly, although having also gone back to some full-time military service at the time (because of world events), I still sometimes went out with my friends and got drunk, when we had time off from courses and the like while away from home.

Although the trend always remained downward. To the point that I haven't been drunk since my early thirties (I'm close to 49 now), and seldom drink alcohol at all. So there have been some years I have had no alcohol at all, with other years not exceeding circa 3-7 standard drinks in any year otherwise. At one point a few years ago, my kids were even surprised to see my wife and I drink some alcohol at home, since they told us they believed that we didn't drink alcohol.

So there's an example that might bring you some cheer, since  he might go a similar way as he gets older.

Likewise I've got other friends as well who have also reduced there consumption significantly, with a small handful of them not partaking at all.

On the other hand I also know some friends who still drink alcohol plentifully or have got worse with it. So it doesn't always end well.

At the end of the day though it's entirely up to you what you're okay with. So if you don't like it, tell him. Concerned about it, tell him. Find it unacceptable, dump him. It's all up to you, what you choose.

Anyway best wishes whatever you choose to do.

Edited June 16, 2020 by 5x5

[basil67]

I agree with much which has been written.   IF you want a future with him, then you have to accept him as he is.    However, if the drinking is a deal breaker, you can walk away from him.    As you are very uncomfortable with the drinking, my opinion is that you should walk away.   

[Acacia98]

The fact that you're even asking this question tells me that it bothers you a heck of a lot.

If I were in your place, knowing what I know now, I would end things. But I'm not you. These are things that people have to figure out for themselves by experience sometimes.

Ultimately, I'm posting to say this: if it becomes too annoying for you, prevents you from having the quality of life and peace of mind that you want, it's okay to decide you want out. Folks, perhaps him included, may try to guilt you for wanting out because the drinking culture is big there. But good relationships really are about compatibility at the personal level, not about what the majority deems acceptable.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, h0000 said:

 I do have deal breakers and trust me, the list is not short. Drinking reasonably is not on it.

Be careful.  When too many things are deal breakers you run the risk of isolating yourself.  

What is drinking reasonably to you?  I see his current habits as being more than reasonable but to you they are the upper limits.  Him saying he'll cut down for you may not stick.  

Edited June 16, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Haydn]

I had a girlfriend just after uni who was ` Mullered` almost all her waking hours.

It didn`t start like this but things got out of control. I do like a drink but not at 6 am.

I walked away because i was essentially her carer. 

I was very fond of her but i couldn`t help her. Maybe i could have done more.

[heavenonearth]

nah. my ex drank too much. eventually he got angry at me all the time for the stupidest things whenever he was wasted, called me names, pushed me around, etc. anyone with a drinking problem is a big no!