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On the move?

AgainstAllOdds1

By AgainstAllOdds1
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AgainstAllOdds1 Member

AgainstAllOdds1

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I have been dating a girl for 6 months. We've found a way to keep things fun and drama-free , even as we both work from our homes due to COVID-19. One convenient feature of our relationship is that we live less than five minutes apart, which allows us to spontaneously make plans on otherwise quiet days. Timing and logistics are also rarely an issue because of our proximity. However, my lease expires in the fall and that could change everything.

I want to live closer to the city we both work in. When my company's office reopens, the commute is 90 minutes one-way. By moving, I would cut my commute time by at least an hour each way. However, my gf would prefer that I stay so that we can see each other more regularly. Driving from our current town to the town I am considering moving to is a 1-2 hour drive depending on traffic. As of right now, she's not ready to move-in quite yet, and has hinted that her ideal timeframe for such a move is early 2021. With my lease winding down, re-upping for only a few months to bridge the gap gets a lot more expensive.

To summarize: I either save 2+ hours a day commuting but live up to 2 hours away from my gf depending on traffic...or I stay close to my gf, but the commute will be painful. What is the right answer, and what conversation do I need to have?

 

 

 

 

Edited by AgainstAllOdds1
Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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There is no right answer on this.  It's 100% up to you.  Just be prepared to find a new GF if you do move.  I'm not saying it will happen, but she has already voiced her opinion on it... and a LDR is tough.

I guess is=f I was in this position... I would take a good hard look, and think to myself... "Do I want to be with this woman 10 years from now?"   If you can't honestly answer yes... then move close to save the $$$ in travel... and hope for the best with your GF.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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My  take on it is You cannot change your plans for someone you've dated 6 months. You don't even know if she'll be your girlfriend in 3 months. Move closer to the city, enjoy the short commute and spend the weekends together like most couples do. 

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Right now you drive from your house to the city 90 minutes 1 way every weekday.  If you can already do that, you moving 1 hour away from her should not prevent you two from seeing each other.  

Move based on your work / commuting needs not your love life.  

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AgainstAllOdds1 Member

AgainstAllOdds1

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1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Right now you drive from your house to the city 90 minutes 1 way every weekday.  If you can already do that, you moving 1 hour away from her should not prevent you two from seeing each other.  

So, I only made the commute once, when I interviewed for the job. I've been working remotely since I was hired due to COVID-19, so I virtually no experience with this lengthy of a commute.

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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Do you have any timeframe as to when your job is opening back up?  What if it doesn't open back up for a while?

With that being said, I do not think you should base this decision on a girl you have been dating for 6 months.  It is a lot more sensible to base this decision on your job.  I do not consider 1-2 hours apart to be a long distance relationship.  You won't be able to see each other every day, but you could certainly see each other once a week or a couple times a week.  And if the relationship progresses then it would only be temporary... maybe the two of you could end up moving in together at some point. 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Your gf sounds selfish to me, and needy.  Good luck with that. 

All she is thinking about is herself, and not seeing you every 5 minutes..

Versus realizing how exhausting and taxing a 90 minute drive to work every day will be, and it will be trust me.

For a year, I commuted an hour away and was so exhausted, all I wanted to do when I got home was chill, unwind, alone.

Traffic will be horrendous, it may take longer than 90 minutes!  Not to mention, money spent for gas (for me it was $400 per month), wear and tear on your car, etc.

As Gaeta said, see your gf on weekends and if she is too needy and insecure to accept this change, good riddance, you're better off without.

Edited by poppyfields
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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

My  take on it is You cannot change your plans for someone you've dated 6 months. You don't even know if she'll be your girlfriend in 3 months. Move closer to the city, enjoy the short commute and spend the weekends together like most couples do. 

I agree!  Early 2021 is only 7 months away so you may only have to do a long distance relationship for a few months if your lease isn't up until the fall....

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Why not find a place in between?

simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

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17 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Why not find a place in between?

Exactly ^^ or a helicopter commute which might sound terrible but actually it's not.  We used to use them a great deal. 

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AgainstAllOdds1 Member

AgainstAllOdds1

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On 6/14/2020 at 1:44 PM, smackie9 said:

Why not find a place in between?

On 6/15/2020 at 7:29 AM, simpycurious said:

Exactly ^^ or a helicopter commute which might sound terrible but actually it's not.  We used to use them a great deal. 

Helicopter commutes are common?

As for finding a place in-between, that makes sense in theory, but probably doesn't work due to the geography of the region and public transportation. We both commute by train, and the closest express stop on the train is where we live now, so the in-between towns would only save me a few minutes at most. Some of the smaller towns in between are quiet and nice for families, but not as suited for a young adult living by themself, if that makes sense.

 

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Then make her happy and do the commute for work.

Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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On 6/14/2020 at 12:44 AM, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

I have been dating a girl for 6 months. We've found a way to keep things fun and drama-free , even as we both work from our homes due to COVID-19. One convenient feature of our relationship is that we live less than five minutes apart, which allows us to spontaneously make plans on otherwise quiet days. Timing and logistics are also rarely an issue because of our proximity. However, my lease expires in the fall and that could change everything.

I want to live closer to the city we both work in. When my company's office reopens, the commute is 90 minutes one-way. By moving, I would cut my commute time by at least an hour each way. However, my gf would prefer that I stay so that we can see each other more regularly. Driving from our current town to the town I am considering moving to is a 1-2 hour drive depending on traffic. As of right now, she's not ready to move-in quite yet, and has hinted that her ideal timeframe for such a move is early 2021. With my lease winding down, re-upping for only a few months to bridge the gap gets a lot more expensive.

To summarize: I either save 2+ hours a day commuting but live up to 2 hours away from my gf depending on traffic...or I stay close to my gf, but the commute will be painful. What is the right answer, and what conversation do I need to have?

 

 

 

 

I think it's selfish that she's asking you not to make an important and good decision just so it's more convenient to see you. If she really wanted this relationship and genuinely cared about you, she would not only support your decision because it would make your life easier, but she would not let distance be an issue and make the effort to see you regardless. Don't compromise such an important decision for a woman who is not willing to support you in that.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

In my experience, long commutes are miserable and draining.  It is far better to have a short commute and drive to see your gf (that should be a more exciting prospect than driving to work, so you will resent it less).  All you need to do is keep the relationship going for another 6 months or so, and if the relationship is still great, she'll move (in) to be with you.  If it can't survive 6 months of weekends only dating, it wasn't going to work for some other reason.

I did move - but to be closer to my gf.  I was able to work remotely most of the time, though.  However, I also was certain the relationship would be the best of my life.  And 20 years later, it still is!  Not everyone can be so certain, and usually not at the 6 month mark.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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On 6/14/2020 at 12:44 AM, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

I want to live closer to the city we both work in.

I get that you work from home now.  I agree central having a short commute to work even if that means a longer commute to your GF is preferable.  When you are on your way to see her the fact that you want to do that will make the time pass more quickly.  There would less traffic but since you take the train that is not an issue.  

If you both work in the same city, you can still see each other conveniently in that city. 

This is a no brainer.  Live where it's most convenient for work.  If the relationship develops she will also benefit because you live closer to the city.  When she has to go in to her office, her commute will be shorter from your house. 

This is a non-issue.  Relax. 

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

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17 hours ago, AgainstAllOdds1 said:

Helicopter commutes are common?

As for finding a place in-between, that makes sense in theory, but probably doesn't work due to the geography of the region and public transportation. We both commute by train, and the closest express stop on the train is where we live now, so the in-between towns would only save me a few minutes at most. Some of the smaller towns in between are quiet and nice for families, but not as suited for a young adult living by themself, if that makes sense.

Is there a rent difference?  Usually the closer to the city the more expensive.   I think we might be giving a little bit of US commute bias, which is mostly by car.   When I commuted by train I actually would have liked a longer one to settle in, read, do work, nap.   The 30 minute one (door to door) was not enough time to do much of anything, but also not so bad if had to stand the whole way.  Generally commuting by train is not as exhausting by car if you can get a comfortable seat.  If by car, good stereo system and pod casts. :)

There's no easy answer here.  Jobs don't necessarily last long either these days.  However, if it is a career type position where getting in early, staying late, and such makes a real difference, consider living closer to your job.

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