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If he makes a move on the first date, does that mean he only wants sex?

Hopeful30

By Hopeful30
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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Went on a date earlier today, and I felt good with this man. No red flags. However about 1 hour into the date (we went hiking for a few hours), he made a move and tried to kiss me (we were sitting on the grass facing each other and talking). I turned and gave him my cheek, which he kissed without hesitation. His behaviour did not change afterwards, he was not rude or different in anyway. The date was good until the end.

I am curious though, does making a move this early mean he is only interested in sex? The majority of our conversations were about different sex cultures around the world, like Japanese underground sex culture. Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship? 

Am I accurate to assume that men who seek relationships and commitment hold off on making a move so early to not give the impression he only wants sex?

We didn't make a second date. When we ended the date, I said I had a good time and let's keep in touch. He agreed and we went our separate ways. 

What do you think?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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No, it's not accurate to assume this.    I know plenty of people who's relationships/marriage got physical really quickly.   Mine included.   It's been my experience that if a guy thinks a girl is awesome, getting physical with her is like the icing on the cake.   

That said, if I had a first date where the conversation was all about sex, it's would be reasonable to assume that getting physical will happen.   If you don't want to have a guy make a move on you, stick to less erotic subjects.  

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5x5 Established Member

5x5

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Yes he is likely to be interested in sex, since dating for the most part is about finding someone to have a sexual relationship with. Yet it is a misnomer to presume that he is only interested in sex.

Of course there are some men and some women who are looking for nothing more than just sex. Yet absent reading someones mind there's no way to tell what they are thinking. So some people will wait for kisses and sex, yet still dump you without getting it or after getting it. While there are some people who will want to marry you even after having sex with you on the first date or just after meeting you.

When my ex-wife and I met at a party, we didn't even get to a date before I was having sex with her a couple of hours later. Yet I was wanting much more than just sex with her.

Whereas my wife asked me out on a lunchtime date while we were at work, where we kissed at the end of that date. Then followed it with a night out later that evening where I spent the night at her place talking and heavy petting till we went to sleep. Followed by having sex with her at her initiation on our third date. Now I really wanted to have sex with her and had no expectations of where our relationship would lead, yet I did want more and that more has seen us love each other for 24 years so far.

That said I can only recall not kissing one woman on a first date, and I did not ask her on another date afterwards as a consequence of that.

In fact absent any demonstration of keen sexual interest, I would not bother continuing to date any woman. Since there are so many other wonderfully splendid women who tick all of the boxes, who like sex and want lots of it and don't withhold it to a script either.

Likewise I have always wanted to have sex with all of the women that I dated and did exactly that with almost all of them. Yet I never wanted just sex with any of them. Since I always wanted more, which was why I asked them out on a first date or said yes to them when they asked me out on a date in the first place.

Edited by 5x5
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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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I think going for a kiss on the first date is normal and healthy. And it's good that he wasn't weird when you made it clear it was too soon for that for you and gave him the cheek.

I agree it's not a good idea to talk much if any about sex on the first date, even in a philosophical way. It just sends the wrong message.

I think holding hands, mild affection, and a kiss at the end is plenty of physical stuff for date 1.

4 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

dating is for the most part about finding someone to have a sexual relationship with

This strikes me as a totally male perspective. While most women do ultimately want sex in a relationship, that's rarely the primary motivation for seeking one out. As the saying goes, men want sex, women want love.

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5x5 Established Member

5x5

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

Went on a date earlier today, and I felt good with this man. No red flags. However about 1 hour into the date (we went hiking for a few hours), he made a move and tried to kiss me (we were sitting on the grass facing each other and talking). I turned and gave him my cheek, which he kissed without hesitation. His behaviour did not change afterwards, he was not rude or different in anyway. The date was good until the end.

I am curious though, does making a move this early mean he is only interested in sex? The majority of our conversations were about different sex cultures around the world, like Japanese underground sex culture. Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship? 

Am I accurate to assume that men who seek relationships and commitment hold off on making a move so early to not give the impression he only wants sex?

We didn't make a second date. When we ended the date, I said I had a good time and let's keep in touch. He agreed and we went our separate ways. 

What do you think?

My wife thinks he ought to rationally take what you did as a rejection. Plus unless he is desperate and lacks any dignity, he probably won't want to date you again.

My wife also asks why did you turn your cheek, is it because you aren't attracted to him?

She also adds that it's just a kiss, so she doesn't get why you would want to avoid it unless you don't like him.

Edited by 5x5
Alexa 95 Established Member

Alexa 95

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Went on a date earlier today, and I felt good with this man. No red flags. However about 1 hour into the date (we went hiking for a few hours), he made a move and tried to kiss me (we were sitting on the grass facing each other and talking). I turned and gave him my cheek, which he kissed without hesitation. His behaviour did not change afterwards, he was not rude or different in anyway. The date was good until the end.

I am curious though, does making a move this early mean he is only interested in sex? The majority of our conversations were about different sex cultures around the world, like Japanese underground sex culture. Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship? 

Am I accurate to assume that men who seek relationships and commitment hold off on making a move so early to not give the impression he only wants sex?

We didn't make a second date. When we ended the date, I said I had a good time and let's keep in touch. He agreed and we went our separate ways. 

What do you think?

I think a first date when you barely know each other, its not appropriate. 

That being said as another poster mentioned just because they want  to kiss may not necessarily mean they only want to be physical with you. 

The men I've met however it's usually because they are total perves who do want one thing. 

I guess it depends

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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

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A first date kiss is pretty normal, IMO. Not predatory or anything.

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Alexa 95 Established Member

Alexa 95

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7 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

A first date kiss is pretty normal, IMO. Not predatory or anything.

Really? A first date? People can't  even wait for a second or third date. 🤔

They're  pretty much still strangers at this point

 

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5x5 Established Member

5x5

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4 minutes ago, Alexa 95 said:

They're  pretty much still strangers at this point

Well when there is mutual attraction, kissing each other is a splendid way to start the process of not being strangers.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Of course they could wait, but they choose not to.   I had crazy, hot, passionate sex all night with my husband of nearly 30 years on the night of the day we met.  It was perfect.  

Edited by basil67
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Alexa 95 Established Member

Alexa 95

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14 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

Well when there is mutual attraction, kissing each other is a splendid way to start the process of not being strangers.

Kissing does not mean they're  not still strangers.

Forming a mental connection over a long period of time helps that, nothing else

 

Edited by Alexa 95
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

Went on a date earlier today, and I felt good with this man. No red flags. However about 1 hour into the date (we went hiking for a few hours), he made a move and tried to kiss me (we were sitting on the grass facing each other and talking). I turned and gave him my cheek, which he kissed without hesitation. His behaviour did not change afterwards, he was not rude or different in anyway. The date was good until the end.

I am curious though, does making a move this early mean he is only interested in sex? The majority of our conversations were about different sex cultures around the world, like Japanese underground sex culture. Again, respectful and nothing degrading...but it's making me wonder if he's only interested in a sexual relationship? 

Am I accurate to assume that men who seek relationships and commitment hold off on making a move so early to not give the impression he only wants sex?

We didn't make a second date. When we ended the date, I said I had a good time and let's keep in touch. He agreed and we went our separate ways. 

What do you think?

You went hiking alone in the woods with a virtual stranger???  And, within an hour, he was trying to kiss you???  A a little kiss at the end of the date  might be OK and a sign of maybe a possible next date, but within an hour?  Eh, no.  I'm not down with that.  He didn't make any other moves, so OK, I guess.  But you are taking chances with  being alone with strangers in such isolated surroundings.

Apart from all that, if he is/was thinking he'd want a second date, he's not very savvy about dating.  A guy who really liked you especially enough to try to kiss you within an hour of meeting, would nail that down at the end of the first date.  But, since not all guys are savvy, hopefully, he'll arrange something shortly. I can't say it means he only wants something sexual.  You just need to sit back, hold your ground regarding sex and open a casual conversation in the next date about what it is you both are looking for out of your dating journeys overall.  And, if he says he's looking for a long-term committed, relationship, you sit back and observe if he dates you that way.

Edited by Redhead14
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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He tried for a kiss, not sex.  I'd be more concerned that something was off he didn't kiss you.  It was a kiss on a date . ..you know a social construct designed to determine if 2 people are compatible on multiple levels including sexually.  IMO a kiss is expected on a 1st date.  The lack of a kiss indicates something is wrong. 

If you don't care for a kiss on the 1st date, he's not your guy.  Personally I was annoyed when my husband did not kiss me on our 1st date  I was actually going to dump him.  

However it's all about compatibility.  If you were offended, find a different guy who thinks more like you do. 

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He tried for a kiss, not sex.  I'd be more concerned that something was off he didn't kiss you.  It was a kiss on a date . ..you know a social construct designed to determine if 2 people are compatible on multiple levels including sexually.  IMO a kiss is expected on a 1st date.  The lack of a kiss indicates something is wrong. 

If you don't care for a kiss on the 1st date, he's not your guy.  Personally I was annoyed when my husband did not kiss me on our 1st date  I was actually going to dump him.  

However it's all about compatibility.  If you were offended, find a different guy who thinks more like you do. 

He tried to kiss her within an hour of meeting.  That's a little too forward, IMO.  At the end of the date, I could see it.  But they were in an isolated area as well.  Things worked out for her, but I'd say that's risky.  I understand her raising the issue. 

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He tried for a kiss, not sex.  I'd be more concerned that something was off he didn't kiss you.  It was a kiss on a date . ..you know a social construct designed to determine if 2 people are compatible on multiple levels including sexually.  IMO a kiss is expected on a 1st date.  The lack of a kiss indicates something is wrong. 

If you don't care for a kiss on the 1st date, he's not your guy.  Personally I was annoyed when my husband did not kiss me on our 1st date  I was actually going to dump him.  

However it's all about compatibility.  If you were offended, find a different guy who thinks more like you do. 

I was surprised, but not offended. Men are dogs these days, you can't be offended at their nature lol He did not make a big deal and still showed interest afterwards, so I understood that he's not a douche lol I made a post a while ago about how men make moves too fast and its annoying. This is just another example of that, however I'm learning more and more that this is 'normal'. It's offputting when a man shows no restraint. They usually ejaculate prematurely, too. That has been my experience anyway. The rare few that show restraint also show it in the bedroom. 

He's also shorter than me (I've given up on finding a tall man), so that makes it easier to move on if he lost interest. 

Edited by Hopeful30
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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He didn't see it as isolated.  He saw it as romantic.  Not every man who wants a kiss or even sex is a rapist or pervert.  

I feel bad for men these days.  

Also on a first date there are physical behaviors one can use to telegraph that they are not open to physical contact including a kiss.  Since Hopeful30 didn't say he ambushed her with the kiss there were telltale preludes . . .the whole extended eye contact, moistening the lips, slowly leaning in like time is standing still.  . .  so if she wasn't into she could have broken eye contact & taken a step back.  She had enough time to turn her head so his lips made contact with her cheek 

It was supposed to be romantic not creepy.  It's sad to see a sweet thing be made creepy.  

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

He didn't see it as isolated.  He saw it as romantic.  Not every man who wants a kiss or even sex is a rapist or pervert.  

I feel bad for men these days.  

Also on a first date there are physical behaviors one can use to telegraph that they are not open to physical contact including a kiss.  Since Hopeful30 didn't say he ambushed her with the kiss there were telltale preludes . . .the whole extended eye contact, moistening the lips, slowly leaning in like time is standing still.  . .  so if she wasn't into she could have broken eye contact & taken a step back.  She had enough time to turn her head so his lips made contact with her cheek 

It was supposed to be romantic not creepy.  It's sad to see a sweet thing be made creepy.  

Actually he went for it when I turned back to face him after looking elsewhere (while talking about something, I don't remember now what it was). I showed no signs if wanting to kiss him (that I know). Was just having a good time.

nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

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hopeful said ''He's also shorter than me (I've given up on finding a tall man), so that makes it easier to move on if he lost interest. ''

The men's height, women's 'figure' (mostly waist to hip ratio) discussion is mostly off topic here. But OP said it and it's my pet peeve as a '5-8 vertically challenged gentleman', so I'm jumping in. I know this has come up before and I know some LS women have said they don't care about a guy's height. And other LS women (as well as plenty of female OLD profiles I've seen) have explicitly said they have a strict, dealbreaking height requirement. A statement like the one above suggests that some women would dump a man simply because another one was taller. Is it also 'easier to move on' from a shorter guy even if he hasn't lost interest?

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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17 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

hopeful said ''He's also shorter than me (I've given up on finding a tall man), so that makes it easier to move on if he lost interest. ''

The men's height, women's 'figure' (mostly waist to hip ratio) discussion is mostly off topic here. But OP said it and it's my pet peeve as a '5-8 vertically challenged gentleman', so I'm jumping in. I know this has come up before and I know some LS women have said they don't care about a guy's height. And other LS women (as well as plenty of female OLD profiles I've seen) have explicitly said they have a strict, dealbreaking height requirement. A statement like the one above suggests that some women would dump a man simply because another one was taller. Is it also 'easier to move on' from a shorter guy even if he hasn't lost interest?

I will be straight with you nospam99. I said this because it makes the sting (of him losing interest), much less. A way to make myself feel better.

If I am honest, I like this guy from what I've experienced so far, which includes chatting on-and-off for 3 weeks (we met through online dating). I am trying to avoid doubting his interest in me, which began the moment he reached for a kiss and I knew it was too early. This is one of the reasons early moves makes me irritated, because I am the kind of person who will *always* think it's too soon within the first meeting. 

nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

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^^^ We are all individuals (duh!) As a guy, I can't know if a woman I'm meeting for the first time is okay or not with touch and with what kind of touch. My own mindset is that it is on me to signal 'interest', be that by a light touch, holding her hand, or a hug or kiss when parting. I only learn after the fact whether I've been 'Goldilocks', too much, not enough, or just right. Looking back, I see a direct correlation. The more interested she is in me (which I have trouble psyching at at the time), the more likely she is to WANT me to 'make a move' of some sort.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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10 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

^^^ We are all individuals (duh!) As a guy, I can't know if a woman I'm meeting for the first time is okay or not with touch and with what kind of touch. My own mindset is that it is on me to signal 'interest', be that by a light touch, holding her hand, or a hug or kiss when parting. I only learn after the fact whether I've been 'Goldilocks', too much, not enough, or just right. Looking back, I see a direct correlation. The more interested she is in me (which I have trouble psyching at at the time), the more likely she is to WANT me to 'make a move' of some sort.

Yes, but not right away! And it's not your job to impress her. You must be your most authentic self. Only then can you be certain about someone and your longterm compatibility with them...and not sexually on the first date! At least not for me. Kissing, for me, is very sexual.

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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Now the question is...should I contact him? Usually I wait for men to contact first because I want to gauge their interest in me (and meet halfway). 

...is that wrong? Men are supposed to chase after all 🤷‍♂️

Edited by Hopeful30
5x5 Established Member

5x5

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53 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

A statement like the one above suggests that some women would dump a man simply because another one was taller.

Well If you ever experience that, you should feel glad if and when it happens. Since it makes no sense being with someone, who doesn't want to be with you.

That said If it makes you feel any better, some women dump tall men to be with shorter men.

Plus @Hopeful30 has now sort of answered one question my wife asked earlier, by admitting she wasn't that attracted to him. So given that at least he found that out early enough, when she rejected him by offering her cheek.

Edited by 5x5
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5x5 Established Member

5x5

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9 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Now the question is...should I contact him? Usually I wait for him to contact me because I want to gauge his interest in me (and meet halfway).

I don't see why you would bother, given that you don't like his height and rejected his kiss.

Seriously if the guy has any dignity, he will write you off as not being interested.

Edited by 5x5
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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

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^^^ Since I have now been engaged in a dialog .... it depends on the guy. Just my 'only one guy' opinion. If I felt a first-date woman had refused a kiss, I'd be more likely to move on and less likely to believe she was interested in seeing me again. And I don't 'chase'. I only 'keep the fire burning'. If I get what can be interpreted as a 'get lost' signal, I next. OP, by ducking the kiss, you sent a weak 'get lost'. While you can wait and see if he contacts you again, you contacting him removes your 'get lost' signal. Your contact can me as low key as 'Hey, did you have any ideas for more outings?'

Interesting how, while I was composing the previous paragraph, 5x5 posted with a similar interpretation of your actions as 'get lost'. Opinions from two guys now.

Edited by nospam99
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