westerner Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 I am a manager of a retail chain and have been with the company for over 20 years now. Recently, a new store was built and I took it over. One of the employees I brought over with me ended up getting a promotion as well and now works directly under me. I have known her for nearly a year and gotten to know her well. We always got along great and there were never any issues until recently. Since this new store opened, we have been working much closer together and out of nowhere, I started having feelings for her. I don't know where they came from, they just came. Now it's to the point where the daily job is impacted because of them. I KNOW her and I have a connection, but on top of being her manager, we are both married. I am in a fairly happy marriage, so I'm not out there looking for someone else. Her significant other is not at home due to legal problems. I know this is a mess and I know I shouldn't try to make anything of it, my question is how to make it better. I don't want to tell her how I feel for several reasons, but mostly because I don't want to jeopardize her career or mine. I don't want the higher ups involved and I don't want to force her to leave because she will lose everything she worked for. So how can this get better? We get a lot done at work, but there is also the playful flirting here and there which can be misconstrued for several different things. If she doesn't want that to lead somewhere, why does she do it? I'm to the point where it has me so screwed up at work that I can no longer do my job the way it needs to be done. I don't want to be "too friendly" with her but I also don't want to be a jerk over tiny things. I just want to be able to go back to just being her boss, but I don't know how (or if) that can be done.
ShyViolet Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 Is there any way you can distance yourself from her at work? Not work so closely together? Be in two separate physical spaces? Since you are her supervisor you have to stop the flirting. You are opening yourself up to a sexual harassment accusation if her feelings for you may change. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) She's your underling AND married. Cut off the limerence and start acting more professional. Put a distance there. Otherwise there's no way this will end well. You'll wind up with no job and no wife and no her. Also, FWIW, this should probably be in the Cheating sub, not the Dating one. Edited June 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 4
Ruby Slippers Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 You have to stop the flirting and stay away from her as much as possible. If you don't, you're jeopardizing your job, your marriage, your integrity, your reputation. You're playing with fire. Don't be the guy who's back here in a year posting about he destroyed his whole life for a fleeting romance.
Ami1uwant Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 I agree with others evrn if you weren’t married...you have harassment issues here that can kill your career. i recall my time working retail in my early 20s. There was a coworker of mine. We bviiysly had chemistry together. Other coworkers coukd see it. When we are on different shifts we were very different. Truck day and Saturday were days we usually would be on the same shifts. Unfirtusntly a relationship didn’t occur...I tried even after I stopped working there. She was in a relationship since jr high so wouldn’t end. She is one of a small group of people I do wonder about what ifs.
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 Ya I agree snuff out the flirting...that's how it leads to bad things. The flirting thing isn't always sexual, it's just coworker bonding and you are misreading it. I have been with my company for 30 years, and there have been coworkers that I connected with and can at times be playful with each other with banter, but by no means am I am interested in them romantically. To me, it feels more like we are best buds. I'm glad you have kept your feelings to yourself. That is the right thing to do. There was this married service guy that I had dealt with for years. He was retiring. He sent me an email expressing his feelings for me in an indirect way. Ugh! awkward! I didn't want to hear about it. I totally avoided reacting to it. I casually wished him and HIS WIFE a happy retirement. Never heard from him again thank god. I don't like stuff like that, and I'm sure your coworker wouldn't neither. 1
Author westerner Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 I agree with what you said here and if I ever did reveal my feelings, I would be that guy that you just described. However, any day I go to work and try to be a little more closed off or a little more focused on the task at hand, she constantly nags me with “why are you mad”, “why are you upset, please talk to me”. I’m not “upset”, it’s just that the feelings are taking over and driving me insane. I don’t know what to tell her without telling her and my claims of “nothing is wrong” come off as disingenuous. I’m sure she already knows how I feel and doesn’t need me to say anything. I just need an idea on how to get past it.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 5 minutes ago, westerner said: However, any day I go to work and try to be a little more closed off or a little more focused on the task at hand, she constantly nags me with “why are you mad”, “why are you upset, please talk to me”. These are inappropriate things to say to your boss, no matter how buddy buddy you are. I'm friendly with everyone I work with, but I would never nag or badger my boss or anyone to give me more emotional attention. As the supervisor, you need to draw a clear line. If she continues with the emotional displays, tell her it's not appropriate to bring personal feelings into a professional relationship. Make sure she understands this is unprofessional behavior and it won't be tolerated. 4
Fresh_Start Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 14 minutes ago, westerner said: I agree with what you said here and if I ever did reveal my feelings, I would be that guy that you just described. However, any day I go to work and try to be a little more closed off or a little more focused on the task at hand, she constantly nags me with “why are you mad”, “why are you upset, please talk to me”. I’m not “upset”, it’s just that the feelings are taking over and driving me insane. I don’t know what to tell her without telling her and my claims of “nothing is wrong” come off as disingenuous. I’m sure she already knows how I feel and doesn’t need me to say anything. I just need an idea on how to get past it. Step 1: Remind yourself that you are a married man. Step 2: Remind yourself that she is a married woman. Step 3: Remind yourself that you are her supervisor and start acting like it. Step 4: Reestablish a more professional relationship with her. Step 5: Rinse and repeat as often as necessary before this turns into a train wreck. 2
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 She is only showing these "emotional displays" as he has allowed her to get that close. They were all buddy buddy and now he is acting like Mr Cool and she is wondering why?OP I am not sure she does know how you feel as if she did, she probably would have sussed out why you are distancing yourself. Women can easily be platonic friends with men, men not so much. "safe" flirting and banter is often a thing with women, especially married ones and where the man is nowhere near seen as a romantic prospect. It is just fun. Do not read too much into it. Try to act normal and stop the flirting, no need to make a drama out of it or act like a jerk. You are 40 not 14, so act like an adult. Act friendly and just get the work done.
Grey40 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 (edited) How happy is your marriage really? If it was really that happy you wouldn't even be considering this seriously at all. Doesn't matter if she want it to lead somewhere or not...if you're happily married why would you at all risk jeopardizing that? it's really easy to get caught these days and you could lose everything. Edited June 14, 2020 by Grey40
Ruby Slippers Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 44 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Try to act normal and stop the flirting, no need to make a drama out of it or act like a jerk. You are 40 not 14, so act like an adult. Act friendly and just get the work done. He's described in several ways how his "feelings are taking over and driving me insane." So he's already let this get well beyond the point of acting friendly, seems to have developed a somewhat obsessive crush. The brain patterns of infatuation look exactly like those of drug addiction, so he'll have to get away from her and stop all the personal interactions that go beyond professional to get any kind of grip on this. 1
Author westerner Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: He's described in several ways how his "feelings are taking over and driving me insane." So he's already let this get well beyond the point of acting friendly, seems to have developed a somewhat obsessive crush. The brain patterns of infatuation look exactly like those of drug addiction, so he'll have to get away from her and stop all the personal interactions that go beyond professional to get any kind of grip on this. I would agree with this as it basically describes how I feel. It's easy to say "you're the supervisor, so act like it". That is what I intend to do starting immediately. I will let her know that going forward, she will be treated like every other employee and I will show through my actions that I am going to be about work only. I guarantee she will try to reel me back in with these "emotional displays" as someone else described them and I will just have to see through those and keep things at a professional level only. 2
Author westerner Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: She is only showing these "emotional displays" as he has allowed her to get that close. They were all buddy buddy and now he is acting like Mr Cool and she is wondering why?OP I am not sure she does know how you feel as if she did, she probably would have sussed out why you are distancing yourself. Women can easily be platonic friends with men, men not so much. "safe" flirting and banter is often a thing with women, especially married ones and where the man is nowhere near seen as a romantic prospect. It is just fun. Do not read too much into it. Try to act normal and stop the flirting, no need to make a drama out of it or act like a jerk. You are 40 not 14, so act like an adult. Act friendly and just get the work done. There really is no way she doesn't know. I've hinted at it in every possible way without just coming out and flat out saying it. You do make a good point about platonic friends though, because that is not something I have ever been good at or even really believe in. For her, it probably has been "fun" to get the boss on her side, but that will stop. Thanks for your comment. "
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, westerner said: It's easy to say "you're the supervisor, so act like it". That is what I intend to do starting immediately. I will let her know that going forward, she will be treated like every other employee and I will show through my actions that I am going to be about work only. Try not to make too much of a drama out of it. You are as much or even more to blame than she is for this situation. Taking your frustrations out on her may backfire on you spectacularly if she complains to HR or she speaks to your wife.. Edited June 14, 2020 by elaine567 2
Author westerner Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 17 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Try not to make too much of a drama out of it. You are as much or even more to blame than she is for this situation. Taking your frustrations out on her may backfire on you spectacularly if she complains to HR or she speaks to your wife.. You’re absolutely right, and I won’t. But I certainly can’t keep things going the way they have been. I’m not blaming her for anything, but I know that for my own sanity, something has to change here.
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2020 Posted June 15, 2020 If you want the landscape to change, talk fondly about your wife. like "My wife did the sweetest thing this morning....." "Gosh I am such a lucky guy." things like that. That will dampen things a bit. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2020 Posted June 15, 2020 Say nothing to her. Change stores as soon as possible. You move not her. meanwhile double down on the love affection & romance you show your wife & never ever be alone with this subordinate. When you feel tempted remind yourself that one slip will cost you some combo if your dignity, your marriage & your career possibly all 3 2
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