Dumped Yesterday for Somebody Else During Lockdown

[Not So Sad Now]

I was dumped over the phone yesterday.  It was a long distance relationship and we have been on and off over a number of years after originally getting together for a year in 2015, but we had been flirty for years and I couldn't understand why we didn't get together, although he did turn out to have a girlfriend that no-one knew about in a long distance relationship for at least some of this time.  He's very introverted and I've kind of got used to and become fond of his ways.  No arguments, I thought we were really happy and had been seeing each other for 2 years this time, lots of sex.  We'd even had a the exclusivity talk and I asked him what would he do if someone else came onto him, and he said he would turn them down.  I would have moved in with him if he'd wanted me to, but he was always insistent he preferred his own space. 

I'm 47, have been married before and don't have or want children and he's 38 and has always said the same thing.  Sex life great and going out for nice dates, staying over, cooking for each other, etc..  I've met his parents in the past so didn't question why I wasn't meeting them again as they live in a completely different part of the country.  I was just sort of happily coasting along, thinking we were getting slowly closer and closer and things would work out with regards to moving in or getting married eventually.  We met through our interest in a certain outdoor sport, but since then, he has given it up and he now does ballroom dancing, where he met the other girl, and he has gone from being someone who spent a lot of time outdoors to someone who hardly ever goes outdoors.   We used to have lots of mutual friends, but he doesn't hold onto or value friends at all and anyway, the city he lives in is such a remote, isolated economic washout that people tend to move away from it.

So I hadn't seen him since lockdown started, and I had texted him a month into asking if he wanted to break lockdown and see each other, and he said that he was self isolating to stay safe from Coronavirus.  I thought this was weak but I know what he can be like and with us, absence always makes the heart fonder.  So I texted him yesterday to arrange to meet up and he phoned me back to say he head been seeing someone else.  I did say just before that that we would never see each other again (because we're not likely to bump into each other living 3 hours drive apart), and he made a sort of small murmur of protest at that, before saying suddenly that he was in a hurry and had to go.  The call lasted 3 1/2 minutes.  I could just tell from the way he was responding that he had lost interest in me because he preferred this new girl, it was horrible.  He was almost trying to make out that we weren't in a proper relationship, even though we've been having unprotected sex for the last year!

I texted him later that evening to say that I was sad and would miss him and that obviously she had something that I didn't and hoped she would make him happy, and that we had had some great times together.  And he texted back to say he was sad it had worked out this way and said we "did have some good times together" (for some reason that downgrading of great to good upsets me).  I then texted back a couple of hours later, because he has form for being patronising and glib, and I didn't want to give him the power of thinking I was going to be wallowing alone in misery for ever, so I made a sarcastic remark that his self isolation had obviously gone well, and that I was upset and needed to learn a lesson from this to become harder and more cynical.  And I mentioned that another guy we both know had started messaging me a few weeks ago and while I hadn't even been tempted while I thought we were together, and that I couldn't do to him what he had to me, I had messaged him back that afternoon to arrange to meet up, and that also I'd got in touch with a Swiss guy I had met a couple of years ago on holiday who had always been keen on me and he had offered me his holiday flat in the Alps to stay in in the summer, Switzerland being one of the few countries we can visit this summer for sure.  All of this, unlikely though it sounds, is true.  And then I said I wasn't telling him this to make him jealous, but to make myself feel better.  Finally, I said that I didn't think it was a good idea to remain friends.   I phrased it really well and I'm glad I sent it. 

I don't plan to contact him again, but I really miss him and am sitting here in tears, and have lost my appetite.  I can't even go anywhere to cheer myself up because everythings closed and friends are still self isolating, etc..  I'm furloughed from work so I don't even have that to take my mind of it.  My passport needs renewed for when I go to Switzerland and its hard to estimate how long that will take, and I don't really want to see the other guy next week but will force myself to try and make it feel a little bit better.  The other guy is actually the same type of guy as my ex, I see it now - they both have trust funds and nice city flats bought for them by their parents with no mortgages and run little, good looking, small, not very remunerative businesses but which sound better than being non-working, and never settle down but go from one girl to another, probably with others in-between.  My ex comes across as shy but I actually suspect he's been around the block a bit.  Well, he certainly has now!  So I would avoid falling for that other guy, and I just don't fancy him as much as my ex.  The one in Switzerland is a very decent guy, loads of money, bookish, but I know he would be expecting a very serious exclusive relationship leading to marriage quite quickly (he's the type).  And I feel like I'm grieving the sudden loss of my relationship, as well as potentially my entire life, while my country's gone a bit crazy and everything is upside down.  I quite enjoyed the quirkiness and up and down excitement with my ex.

Sorry so long.  I wanted to get it off my chest.

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, So Sad Right Now said:

He was almost trying to make out that we weren't in a proper relationship, even though we've been having unprotected sex for the last year!

Oh boy. Having unprotected sex does not mean you were in a proper relationship, in and of itself. 

It sounds like you two were on completely different pages about this relationship. You considered him your boyfriend, but it does not sound as though he considered you his girlfriend. I don't know what sort of exclusivity you two agreed to - sexual exclusivity, or? It appears there was a serious miscommunication here, and there are a lot of indicators that he intentionally kept you from getting any close to him. 

The fact that he previously had a secret girlfriend was also a gigantic red flag. You should avoid men who hide their relationships; they're bad news. Trying to make him jealous by mentioning other men who want you is also pointless. If he's dating someone else, I can promise you he doesn't much care what you're up to with other men, to put it bluntly. His mind is with his new woman. I would hold off on dating other men when you're in this emotional state, as the wrong type of guy is going to sense your vulnerability a mile away and take full advantage of it. Stay single for a bit and work on building yourself back up, so you better identify red flags in the future and run away from them - not toward them. 

[Stevnx3]

I'm truly sorry that you were dumped. The guy does not sound like someone you should have been with anyway. 

Nor should you this other guy, if he is similar to your ex here. No need to compound the issue. I get it is tough, furloughed and unable to go out; so you can distract yourself. But please do not contact him. 

 

You deserve someone who will love you - only you - and show a willingness to be by you, and not stuck inside ignoring you. 

If you need to, talk on here to distract yourself from wanting to text or call this guy. He's bad

[smackie9]

On and off again relationships never pan out. It's on and off again for a reason...it's out of balance because you both have two very different perspectives of what you two are/were.

A chance meeting to meet someone you really like could have happened to you too....it's life, these things happen. Stop trying to replace him with these other options....grieve your loss fully and completely. When you are done, you will be more clear headed and make better decisions. Remember a man doesn't give you a life, only you can.

[Not So Sad Now]

An update.  Had a horrible week in terms of how I was feeling but I got out there and did the stuff I had to do.  One of those things was visiting the city my now ex lives in in order to sort out a property I manage which had become vacant suddenly.  I really was dreading going but I'm glad I made myself, because it was all right.  The property is on the edge of the city and he lives in the centre, so I just avoided going downtown.  Not that I'd expect to see him, but because I knew it would make me miserable as it would bring back memories.

He has also blocked me on his phone.  I actually only texted him 3 times and got 3 replies from him, all relatively calm, considering.  But in the last one I did ask to meet me in person to tell me it was over for good, and he replied saying he didn't think it was a good idea and then blocked me.  I'm mortified.  I don't think I'd ever be able to even say hello to him if I see him in public after him doing that.

I messaged the guy that had been messaging me a few weeks ago and we met up for a coffee during the week.  It went well and he texted me back to arrange to meet up again next week.  I am pretty certain that he only wants one thing but its really taking my mind of it all and stopping me dwelling on my ex.  He's a good looking guy, if not my usual type (kind of hipster) and good for my self esteem, which ad taken a battering, but I'm not that crazy about him (with my ex, I "knew" straight away...)

I will probably go to Switzerland as well, once my passport comes back.  Why not?  I'm single, theres no point in hiding away, turning down invitations waiting for some perfect man that might never turn up.  I hate internet dating and Tinder and I feel better (and safer) dating men I know a little already.

Looking back, there were a lot of signs that something was a bit off with my ex.  The joke that he had hidden cameras when we had sex for the first time in his bedroom, the comment about how people in the shop were watching him when he bought a giant pack of condoms and then wouldn't need them, other things, that weren't quite in keeping with his careful persona of a slightly innocent, almost nerdy guy.  He used to say he wasn't interested in or attracted to other women...oh you know, the usual stuff someone feeds you to keep you happy.  You felt you couldn't ask him certain questions and if you did ask him questions, you got kind of meaningless answers.  Like he was wearing a mask.

I don't think it will last with this new girl, as he isn't good at giving up his personal space or time other than in small doses, unless she has something that he wants, such as him deciding to settle down in order to look more respectable. 

I'm still shocked, and I've still not got my appetite back.  I've barely eaten since it happened, and I've lost quite a bit of weight.  I just struggle to chew and swallow food and don't even think about eating or being hungry.

[Miss Spider]

I’m sorry to hear what happened. This is the thing about long distance I think. Unless there is an end game planned it’s really hard. I’ve never met a man , introvert or not, that was OK seeing a long-term, monogamous significant other less than 4 days a week. I’ve only heard about it on message boards. The more serious that you are, especially after two years, the more time you should be spending together. Otherwise, if he doesn’t already have someone in the picture while you guys are long-distance he’ll be more likely to look around and find someone who can be there for him more often. I am just so sorry this happened though

Edited June 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Juha]

Long distance does not work unless there is a set plan of action for the relationship moving forward.

 

If there is a plan on one of you to move within a year or two then it is a real, serious relationship that has a chance.

If moving to be together is not discussed it is not real and will die a slow painful death

 

Sorry he was immature and treated you like this

 

Feel better, you are better than how he has treated you

Take that trip, have fun    forget him

[Grey40]

Long distance relationships are never worth the time and effort to me. I know it’s worked for some people, including one of my best friends, but the success rate is really really low. It’s just hard to be able to maintain the physical connection and be able to trust the other person in terms of that for such a long period of time. Unless you’re able to see each other once a week or do like a week on/week off kind of deal, it’s bound for failure imo. I would stay clear of them at all costs.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honestly, I think you're moving forward just fine, especially for someone who was blindsided like that. Weird that he blocked you, you weren't stalking him or something. Your request was reasonable. I always thought rushing to block people was stupid.

He sounds scared, like he may have been doubling down for a while on you women or something and he doesn't want her to find out and he doesn't want you to find out and make a stink...just a thought.

You do need to eat. Eat!

You did awesome going to his town as just getting straight out when your business is done. And it's a huge positive that you're dating, just because you're remembering that you still have a life to live and you're obviously still attractive.

I'm so p*issed at this loser on your behalf.

But you? You're doing all the right things, keeping up with your responsibilities, moving forward.

There are better times waiting for you.

 

[Not So Sad Now]

Thank you for your kind words California Girl.  Yes, I'm kind of suspicious that he may have been cheating for on me for a while.  I'm not sure where his ethics lie on that issue.  I overlooked quite a few "signs" that he wasn't quite the guy he made out to be.  Its hard to know, he is quite secretive and now of course we are not even in touch.  A lot of former mutual friends don't like him because of the way he behaves.

It is awful being blindsided unexpectedly like that!  The last time I saw him, we really were getting on just wonderfully.  It was perfect.  It is so difficult just to stop thinking about someone you were so happy with on the basis of a 3 1/2 minute telephone call and 3 text messages.

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, So Sad Right Now said:

Yes, I'm kind of suspicious that he may have been cheating for on me for a while. 

I'm a little confused, were you and he officially in an exclusive relationship? 

[Not So Sad Now]

On 6/26/2020 at 7:04 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm a little confused, were you and he officially in an exclusive relationship? 

Yes, definatley!  Its just that in the phone call, he said twice "I'm not a good boyfriend" and with his previous history of having a secret girlfriend he told no-one about, it made me wonder.

[Noproblem]

Op he wasn't the one.

Keep searching. You'll find the guy you deserve.

 

And eat, go bring cake and cookies, this guy life will be miserable and your life will be beautiful.

 

The first step is letting him go 

Don't think about the block, the block means he is just a coward and not man enough to stand up for his actions

 

He didn't end up the relationship in a proper way!

You deserved better, and you'll get better if you move on with your life, enjoyed delicious food and met new people and guys!

 

Best of luck and I am sorry  

Edited July 14, 2020 by Noproblem