Ellener Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 It can mean lots of things eg: afraid of pandemic with someone else or wish I was like you as a friend not wanting to commit but sex is okay etc. Don't fret, we've all done it, confused the potential of a relationship for actually being in one. Get on with your life and if he asks you out later then you can decide that then. For me ( I'm old so I know everything ) if I'm hanging about daydreaming it means I'm not ready for a real relationship myself right now so am happy enough with a bit of a fantasy. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Usually, they mean they don't want a relationship with YOU but are content to have regular sex and company until the right one comes along. "I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time". And, if they know you are wanting something more with them, they will let you keep stringing yourself along until you get wiser. They usually won't be the one to end it when they realize you're more invested and want more. It's up to you to "man up" in those cases and end it yourself. Edited June 13, 2020 by Redhead14 4
Realitysux Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 I am not ready for a relationship but I would be ready for the right one. If the right guy was in front of me then I would get in shape for it. 1
Author rose27 Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 17 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Well...(deep breath) Keep in mind that this is just my experience, but I've never yet met a not-ready guy who didn't turn on a dime when someone he really wanted came along and became, out of nowhere, pretty darned ready. You're not sleeping with him, right? Please tell me you're not sleeping with him. Initially we started seeing each other at the beginning of the year and we spent a lot of time together. He definitely liked me and mentioned things about moving forward at a slow pace (which I think is healthy), so yes I did sleep with him eventually. I’m not waiting for him, I am still open to meeting other guys. He was just one person I couldn’t shake off and the connection for both of us was on a very deep level. He was in a 12 year relationship which ended last year, so I would say he’s probably still enjoying his freedom based on what he’s experienced.
Author rose27 Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 14 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said: Not always, no. I was once this 'not ready person' for a little while, and the best way I can describe it is that I was literally not ready to invest in a relationship. There was no dark plot to hold on to someone better, it was actually the other way round. I had fallen for someone at the worst time in my life. Sometimes it's just a timing thing, not a personal thing. I didn't want to commit to anyone, I knew I was going to be a bad relationship partner at that point and couldn't deal with the pressure. I wanted to be, I really liked the guy, but I needed space to figure things out that had nothing to do with him. I couldn't let him go, I was genuinely torn, but he grew tired very quickly to his credit, wished me luck and went on his way. That was a long time ago, we're no longer in touch but I know he's married now. Still, the advice is the same. You don't know how long it'll take for your guy to get back on his feet - if he has a timeline in mind, I assume here is a specific something holding him back. Don't hold your breath, don't wait for him to sort himself out, let him go and find someone who is available now. Sorry rose27. Yes, he was in a 12 year relationship. He said it started off well, then towards the end she started trying to control his every move. I know he loved her a lot, they were engaged to be married. She just drained the life out of him. I won’t be waiting, but somehow we always end up crossing paths again even when I’m not trying. 1
Author rose27 Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was about to ask the same thing. Are you planning to wait out the 2 or 3 years, OP? Or just hope he changes his mind before then? How will you feel if he meet someone in 6 months and is ready? It's true that people sometimes genuinely aren't ready, for any number of reasons. That still doesn't mean it's a wise idea to wait. Definitely not waiting. I really like this guy but I’ve taken a step back and the feelings aren’t strong unless I see him, so I’ve stopped that from happening. I know he went through a lot with his ex fiancée of 12 years, so coming out of a toxic long-term relationship myself I can certainly relate, although my break up isn’t recent. It’s unfortunate if it is just a timing thing, but perhaps it’s not meant to be. If we cross paths again and things are different, I would consider it. But I want someone who is ready for me 1
Emilie Jolie Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 17 minutes ago, rose27 said: Yes, he was in a 12 year relationship. He said it started off well, then towards the end she started trying to control his every move. I know he loved her a lot, they were engaged to be married. She just drained the life out of him. I won’t be waiting, but somehow we always end up crossing paths again even when I’m not trying. That context makes sense. Not ready just means not ready, it doesn't need to be slanted. Of course by the time your guy is ready, you'll have fully moved on or the moment will have passed. People aren't robots, they can develop feelings for others at the wrong time. You don't magically become ready when the right person comes along when you know you are an emotional mess or not fit to be good relationship partner; that's a fairy tale, and would be the basis for an unhealthy relationship anyway. 1
Alexa 95 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 18 hours ago, rose27 said: I know there are plenty of self-help books and videos online regarding this topic, and most of them say that when someone says they don’t want a relationship right now, it usually just means they aren’t interested. I just wonder if It could genuinely mean that they don’t want to rush anything either. I have been getting to know a guy over the last 6 months who recently said this to me. He said he likes me, but doesn’t want a relationship with anyone for another 2-3 years so it seems he has shut off his feelings. He isn’t avoiding me, still calls to see how I am and Is always there if I need to chat about something. It’s confusing, but I’m contemplating walking away despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything wrong. I feel pressured because my friends are constantly in my ear about him because they think he’s only going to waste my time, however I’ve been happy going with the flow. I don’t like to hold onto the hope that one day he will change his mind, but I Sometimes wonder if some people are genuine when they say they don’t want a relationship right now. Maybe a stupid question, but worth asking. I’d rather not complicate it, but has anyone ever told someone or been told that they don’t want a relationship but ended up with that person when the timing was right? So if you're not in a relationship, whats going on? Just friends? I've been told that and it took about 2 years after that for the guy to want a relationship and tried to convince me. So it can happen. But I've also heard stories whereby the man doesn't want a relationship with a particular woman but then a matter of months or a year later hes with someone else. This man has said 2/3 years, if i was you i wouldn't hang about. Imagine you wasting a precious couple of years in the hope of getting into something. Your friends are right
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 16 hours ago, rose27 said: Definitely not waiting. I really like this guy but I’ve taken a step back and the feelings aren’t strong unless I see him, so I’ve stopped that from happening. I know he went through a lot with his ex fiancée of 12 years, so coming out of a toxic long-term relationship myself I can certainly relate, Yes, he likely just isn't in the right place to commit to anyone. After 12 years with someone, he probably wants to live the single life for a while and heal. You're wise not to wait around. I would respectfully keep your distance from him simply to preserve our own feelings. 1
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