rose27 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 I know there are plenty of self-help books and videos online regarding this topic, and most of them say that when someone says they don’t want a relationship right now, it usually just means they aren’t interested. I just wonder if It could genuinely mean that they don’t want to rush anything either. I have been getting to know a guy over the last 6 months who recently said this to me. He said he likes me, but doesn’t want a relationship with anyone for another 2-3 years so it seems he has shut off his feelings. He isn’t avoiding me, still calls to see how I am and Is always there if I need to chat about something. It’s confusing, but I’m contemplating walking away despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything wrong. I feel pressured because my friends are constantly in my ear about him because they think he’s only going to waste my time, however I’ve been happy going with the flow. I don’t like to hold onto the hope that one day he will change his mind, but I Sometimes wonder if some people are genuine when they say they don’t want a relationship right now. Maybe a stupid question, but worth asking. I’d rather not complicate it, but has anyone ever told someone or been told that they don’t want a relationship but ended up with that person when the timing was right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Well...(deep breath) Keep in mind that this is just my experience, but I've never yet met a not-ready guy who didn't turn on a dime when someone he really wanted came along and became, out of nowhere, pretty darned ready. You're not sleeping with him, right? Please tell me you're not sleeping with him. Edited June 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 11 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Well...(deep breath) Keep in mind that this is just my experience, but I've never yet met a not-ready guy who didn't turn on a dime when someone he really wanted came along and became, out of nowhere, pretty darned ready. You're not sleeping with him, right? Please tell me you're not sleeping with him. That's been my experience too. A few months later, boom they're in a relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: That's been my experience too. A few months later, boom they're in a relationship. Don't waste another minute, OP! Life and a relationship where you know you're wanted await. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 Rose, if you wait 2-3 years and then he finds someone else or still "isn't ready", will you regret having waited for him? I don't know how old you are, but we're not fertile forever. If you want babies some day, don't waste time on someone who's not seriously into you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: Rose, if you wait 2-3 years and then he finds someone else or still "isn't ready", will you regret having waited for him? I was about to ask the same thing. Are you planning to wait out the 2 or 3 years, OP? Or just hope he changes his mind before then? How will you feel if he meet someone in 6 months and is ready? It's true that people sometimes genuinely aren't ready, for any number of reasons. That still doesn't mean it's a wise idea to wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 2 hours ago, rose27 said: someone says they don’t want a relationship right now, it usually just means they aren’t interested. Not always, no. I was once this 'not ready person' for a little while, and the best way I can describe it is that I was literally not ready to invest in a relationship. There was no dark plot to hold on to someone better, it was actually the other way round. I had fallen for someone at the worst time in my life. Sometimes it's just a timing thing, not a personal thing. I didn't want to commit to anyone, I knew I was going to be a bad relationship partner at that point and couldn't deal with the pressure. I wanted to be, I really liked the guy, but I needed space to figure things out that had nothing to do with him. I couldn't let him go, I was genuinely torn, but he grew tired very quickly to his credit, wished me luck and went on his way. That was a long time ago, we're no longer in touch but I know he's married now. Still, the advice is the same. You don't know how long it'll take for your guy to get back on his feet - if he has a timeline in mind, I assume here is a specific something holding him back. Don't hold your breath, don't wait for him to sort himself out, let him go and find someone who is available now. Sorry rose27. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amanda141 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 As sad as it may sound, usually when someone says that it's because he doesn't like you enough. If you are truly into someone, you don't care about anything else: you make this person a priority for yourself and don't think about the circumstances or other factors (distance, coronavirus, being too young/too old...) I have been told "I like you but I don't want a relationship right now", and then I saw the same person committed with someone else in a short period of time. I also said it myself... it's more "diplomatic" to say rather than "the truth is that I dont like you enough"... but maybe sometimes it would be better to be blunt and honest 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) What I find questionable is he claims he's "not ready" right now but will be in 2-3 years? How the hell does he know when he'll be ready, if ever? If he were honest, he'd say he doesnt know when or IF he will ever be ready. Not 2-3 years or some other arbitrary time frame. It sounds like a line he uses fo keep women "on hold." Until she's done serving her purpose and he moves on to another woman, rinse, repeat. Classic commitmentphobe/avoidant imo. Edited June 13, 2020 by poppyfields 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey40 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Lol 2-3 years. You don’t really believe this do you? That’s Definitley just a line/excuse. He might be interested but certainly not as interested as you are in any way shape or form. You’re just a fallback option if nothing “better” comes along in that timeframe. Hes basically admitting that he’d be settling to date you. Not worth any wait. Edited June 13, 2020 by Grey40 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 He's just not into you enough. He might not want a relationship right now or he might be just trying not to hurt you but l'd guarantee one thing , should the right person pop up he'll be into a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 7 hours ago, rose27 said: I Sometimes wonder if some people are genuine when they say they don’t want a relationship right now. * * * I’d rather not complicate it, but has anyone ever told someone or been told that they don’t want a relationship but ended up with that person when the timing was right? the person saying they are not ready is just saying that. It's a white lie to spare your feelings. It means that they are not into you. If you were somebody else they were more into they'd be totally ready. Nobody ends up with the person later. Do not waste your time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) A man said this to me once, and it meant that he didn’t want a relationship. I was disappointed, but I walked away and went about my life. He came back to me a year and a half later when he was ready for a relationship. We have now been together for four years. My advice would be, he means what he says. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. Respect that. Live your life, date other people - don’t wait for him. If it’s meant to be, it will be... but you can’t assume that he will eventually come around and make a different decision. It’s time to create the life you want for yourself. Good luck. Edited June 13, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 My advice would be to not put yourself on hold for this guy. Not for another moment, much less 2-3 years. Continue whatever your relationship is with him if that's what you want to do, as long as it doesn't keep you from being open to meeting someone else. But be honest with yourself about whether or not you can do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 8 hours ago, rose27 said: I’d rather not complicate it, but has anyone ever told someone or been told that they don’t want a relationship but ended up with that person when the timing was right? nope, nope & nope 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Like BaileyB did you walk away. If he comes back down the road and you're both free then good, if not then you didn't lose a supposed 2-3 years. My experience is if you stick around when he'll be ready to reinvest himself in a relationship it won't be with you as you'll be a reminder of what ever held him back. Let me take a wild guess, he's recently single? Edited June 13, 2020 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 1 minute ago, alphamale said: nope, nope & nope Yup, yup, and yup. He told me he didn’t want a relationship because he needed to get his finances and family organized after a divorce. A year and a half later, he decided to date again...He told me, he went out with several lovely women but he was always thinking about me... So, he took a chance and contacted me again. I had done a lot in the time we were not together, but I was not dating anyone when he emailed. We met for coffee and the rest is history... I do know, we are the exception. I would NEVER advise anyone to wait - particularly this long. Life is too short. My friends advised me to stick around, be his “friend” with the hope that he would change his mind. I was very clear with him, that was not what I wanted. I was not going to hang around and I was not going to wait. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I do know, we are the exception. there is always room for exceptions BB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: He told me he didn’t want a relationship because he needed to get his finances and family organized after a divorce. A year and a half later, he decided to date again...He told me, he went out with several lovely women but he was always thinking about me... So, he took a chance and contacted me again. I had done a lot in the time we were not together, but I was not dating anyone when he emailed. We met for coffee and the rest is history... You are a very smart lady 🙂 You walked away with your woman's pride and integrity. He was left with a positive memory of you and much more to discover about you that's why when he got his life back on track he started wondering about you again. If you had stayed his friend though his problems you would have lost that shiny finish in his eyes. You would have become the shoulder he can cry on, not the woman he's excited to take out to dinner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 It's one thing to say "I need to be financially ready blah blah blah"...this guy has an actual time line of 2 to 3 years! Your time is precious, don't let this guy wast it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 When someone says they're not ready to date right now, it means when they imagine a relationship the whole idea seems like way too much work, work they're not ready for. Usually these people, and I was one of them, are badly picking partners and imagining a relationship to always be a bunch of work and demands. But out of nowhere then they get involved--because they meet someone who blows their mind and spending time with this person doesn't feel like work. Bottom line is he thinks dating you requires a lot of work ... which means he's not that into you, he's not seeing the attraction of being with you. Doesn't matter if he can articulate this or not. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 When someone says they're "not ready for a relationship" it usually means they're just not that into you. It's their excuse to let you down easy. Yes it's possible that they are genuinely telling the truth and they don't want a relationship with anyone right now. But usually, people who say that, will jump right into a relationship with someone else if they meet someone who they REALLY like. If he doesn't want a relationship for 2-3 years then why are you wasting your time with this guy anyway..... it doesn't seem like a good use of your time and energy to hope that he will change his mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesky00 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 Whenever a man tells a woman that, it means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. From my experience I’ve had at least 3 guys use that same line and guess what??? He was STILL fishing for the right girl to come his way and though he wasn’t actively looking, if the right girl came his way, he would lock her down. Last summer, a guy kept feeding me all these excuses and guess what? He was in a relationship 5 months later 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 2-3 YEARS? Give me a break! You're completely wasting your time with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
princessaurora Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Sometimes people go through really rough breakups and they are scared to enter into another relationship or they're trying to focus on their education, careers, and don't have the time for the drama that comes along with many relationships. But waiting around for that person to be ready to try again is not the way to go .And if you choose to do so, you will most likely get your heart broken when Ms. Right comes along and he suddenly snaps out of his desire to be single. You'll resent him and wish you could have back all the time you've wasted waiting on him while he's falling more and more in love with her. You need to move on with your life and focus on finding someone else who feels for you just as strongly as you feel for them. Don't ever settle for being someone's back up plan. It almost always ends in heartbreak. I had a really bad breakup right at the end of high school. I really believed this jerk was my soulmate and couldn't open myself to any other possibility. Every guy I tried to establish a relationship with just didn't work. I was there physically, but not mentally. I didn't do it on purpose, I wanted so bad to feel for them what they felt for me, but I just couldn't. The minute I laid eyes on my husband, all that changed, and I had a boyfriend at the time. It was like the dark daze I was in had ended in an instant. I felt awful for my then boyfriend. He had been so loving and patient with me and now I was about to break his heart. But I couldn't help how I felt. It took me completely by surprise. I really never thought I'd be able to look past that jerk,.but suddenly the sun came out and I was ready to give my heart to someone else. And the guy I broke up with him for pretty much did the same thing to the next girl because he was still pining for me. She actually called me and fussed at me because he wouldn't commit to her because he thought I would eventually come back to him. I assured her I wouldn't and she hung around waiting for him to be ready to move on with her. A few months later, he dumped her. This scenario happens quite a bit, but it rarely ends in the more interested party's favor. Don't be that girl, rose27. The most you're gonna get out of this is being used for sex. It will destroy your self esteem and self worth. Put your big girl panties on and focus your energy on finding someone who sees a future with you. Don't let him pass you by while you're waiting for someone who clearly doesn't. Edited June 13, 2020 by princessaurora duplicate sentence 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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