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Why am I nervous with women?


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Posted

I started talking to Amy last week.  Amy lives in a house across the street from me.  She’s been living there for a few years and I’ve always thought she’s quite attractive but I’d only seen her from a distance.  I’ve passed her in the neighbourhood a few times when I’ve been out running, and I’ve looked at her but she hasn’t looked at me so I’d never spoken to her.

Last week I was outside on my driveway and one of my neighbours came out of his house and we started talking.  While we were talking a few other neighbours came out and joined the conversation.

Then Amy came out of her house and started talking, first of all to one of my neighbours in our small group. After a couple of minutes she said hello to me and introduced herself.

I was transfixed. Amy is gorgeous, sweet and friendly.  I told her my name.  I can’t remember much about what happened next.  I think the rest of the group went inside their homes so Amy and I said goodbye and went into our homes.

The next time I saw Amy was last Monday.  I had been talking to some of my neighbours again and we’d just finished talking.  As people were going inside, Amy came out of her house.  I don’t remember much about what happened but I was standing at the bottom of my driveway and Amy called across to me and “It’s Mark isn’t it?” I replied “Yeah”, and she replied “Yes! I remembered”. She sounded really happy about that. As she said it I turned away from her and walked up my driveway. I remember looking over my shoulder as I did so and for some stupid reason I said “That’s good, now we’re making progress”.  Then I went inside my house.

I don’t know why I said and did that.  Now I feel such an idiot and ever since that moment I’ve been tearing myself up for not making the most of the opportunity I had to have a proper conversation with her.  In the two very short conversations we’ve had, she’s been really nice to me and I’ve been abrupt to her.  I can’t get past the fact that I messed up.  An opportunity to talk to Amy and make amends hasn’t arisen since, and that feels like it’s killing me.  Ideally I’d like to knock on her door and talk to her (from a safe distance of course) but I’m worried that if she already thinks I’m weird that might freak her out.  Hopefully by the time you read this we might have met each other by chance in the street again, and everything will be ok..

For the last few days my head has felt like a ball of string tangled up in knots and I’ve been taking a half hour walk every evening to make myself feel better but it hasn’t worked so far.

The thing is, for many years I’ve had trouble talking to women who I’m attracted to. I get nervous, my brain turns to mush and I lose control of my senses.  I know it’s because I don’t get enough practice at this and I usually screw up the first few opportunities I get.  If I’m lucky enough to get another chance I might be relaxed enough to talk to her properly, but these opportunities don’t happen very often.  I’m fine talking to women I’m not attracted to, but with women I want to build a relationship with, I struggle, and I know that’s why I’m still single at 45.  I haven’t had many girlfriends and the last of those was a few years ago.

I’m not expecting a relationship with Amy.  I’m probably a little too old for her (not that that should matter) and for all I know she could have a boyfriend.  But I’m frustrated at continually having this problem with women I’m attracted to, and I don’t want Amy to think I’m weird. She's special to me.

You’re probably going to say I need to get out more, which is probably true to an extent. I don’t have many friends, although I consider myself to be quite outgoing.  Before the lockdown I was quite active.  I’m in a walking group and and I was going to Parkruns fairly regularly.  I’ve just joined an online quiz team, and I don’t have a problem making conversation with my other neighbours.

I want (and need) to get past this.  Can anyone give me some advice please?  Is there something wrong with me or am I over-reacting?

Thanks for reading.

Posted

Don't knock on her door to talk to her, that would be weird.  Just wait until the next time you naturally run into her.  It would help if you think of some things to talk about before hand, like have them ready in your mind, so that you don't freeze up on the spot.  Like for example, "have you been to the new coffee shop on so-and-so street?  It's great" or just some conversation starters.

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Posted

I've got plenty of conversation starters.  Freezing up on the spot has always been my problem though. I guess I'll just have to let things happen naturally and see where it takes us.  Thanks.

Posted

It sounds like you've never fully gotten over that normal nervousness the vast majority of us have felt, e.g. as teenagers. You say you're single at 45, have you had relationships in the past, or not? If you have had them, has it been a long time?

It's quite normal to be nervous around a very attractive woman. There is a lot at stake, including emotional risk, etc. But - do you have anxiety, social anxiety, awkwardness in other social situations?

Depending on your answers to the above, you might want to consider seeing a therapist in case that could help.

I would also note that her "being special to you" just by virtue of living nearby and being attractive is, to be perfectly honest, a little "off" as there is no basis (yet) for anything except your interest level. There is a reasonable chance she is at least somewhat interested in you, but there is also quite a good chance she isn't and is simply being friendly.

Developing an unwarranted level of emotional connection probably WILL NOT help you in getting to know her better so there could be an actual emotional connection, based e.g. on friendship and/or intimacy. Particularly given what you say about your anxiety.

My thought would be to deescalate this whole thing in your head as much as possible. That would make it much easier, I would think, to let things happen naturally.

Good luck. There's nothing wrong with being interested in someone, but building it into more than it is in one's own head rarely helps I think, particularly if the ice hasn't been fully broken yet.

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Posted

guys who don't have a lot of experience with chicks tend to be shy/afraid because they have little experience.

  • 2 weeks later...
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Posted

Thanks for the responses.  It's taken me a while to reply.  I needed some time away to process what’s been said.

I’ve only been with two women.  The first was when I was 18 and it lasted a week.  The second was a couple of years later and lasted one night.  Since then I seem to have struggled to find women who want to spend much time with me.

Until now I hadn’t considered that I might have social anxiety.

I’ll give you some background to my recent history.

Last year I was having problems at work and my boss arranged for me to see a occupational health advisor.  She diagnosed that I had work-related stress and anxiety.  She arranged to see me again two months later.  However, my employer then ended their contract with the company that the advisor was from, so I made my own arrangement to speak to a therapist from the NHS (the UK National Health Service).

In the next month I had three short telephone conversations with the therapist.  Most of the conversations consisted of her checking, double-checking and triple-checking that I wasn’t going to hurt myself or anyone else.  She didn’t seem interested in getting to know me to find out if I had any underlying problems.  In the final conversation she said she would send me some login details for a website that would help me with my anxiety.  In hindsight I kind of wish I’d questioned this and told her that I didn’t want a website, I wanted someone to talk to in depth about my problems.  However, I think subconsciously I sensed that she was a waste of time and wasn’t interested in getting to know me, so I didn’t tell her that and I haven’t spoken to her since.  I did look at the website but I didn’t find it interesting or helpful.

Two months later my employer made me redundant.  I was glad in a way because I hadn’t been enjoying my job (which is why I was suffering from stress).  I’m still unemployed but I have some savings to support myself for a few months and I’m doing lots of on-line training to teach myself new skills, so I’m confident that I’ll be able to find a job soon.  Therefore, I don’t feel I have work-related anxiety anymore.  In fact most of the time I feel very happy and relaxed, except that I still haven’t spoken to Amy again.  I still like her very much and I still want to talk to her, but the opportunity just hasn’t come around.  Until now though, I hadn’t realised that I might have social anxiety.

I can see now that I have built up my feelings for Amy into something that it isn’t, and that stems from me not having a relationship for such a long time.  I realise I need to calm down, stop being so needy and let things play out naturally.

I think a therapist might be able to help me, but I’d want one who I know would be genuinely interested in identifying my problems, and not someone who is going to be eager to refer me to a website.  Is that too much to ask?  I suppose there’s good therapists and not so good  therapists, and I need a bit of luck to find one that’s right for me.

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Posted

What a funny post , how old are you guys. Anyway , bad news if those names are real , probably even if they aren't., she's gonna know all about it soon.

Posted

Some situations make people nervous.  Practice helps.  I don't think what you said was that bad.  She probably just thinks you have a weird sense of humor.  No way should you say anything to her about that ever!!  Only make it worse and seem desperate.  Just wave and smile next time you see her outside.  You don't have to move right in on her.  Build a casual wavy neighbor rapport.  And yes, age matters, so if it's a big gap, your chances are much lower.

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Posted

Yeah sorry op l didn't mean you as such everyone gets nervous sometimes and situations , just well , l dunno . Hope you can get o know her anyway, good luck.

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Posted

Practice making small talk with random people every day, it should help with confidence.

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Posted

Amy and I spoke in the street yesterday.  I was out of breath because I'd just finished a 5k run 😳 but our conversation was pleasant and relaxed.  I realise now that I need to keep my feelings in perspective and calm down, and then what's meant to happen will happen.  This situation, and the comments on here, have made me a better and stronger person.

And Chillii, those aren't our real names. LOL.

Posted

It's quite normal to be nervous around someone you're attracted to and like.  How do you get a handle on this though?  Maybe you can pretend that she already likes you.  It may give you the confidence to say and act right.  Imagine if you knew that she was rock solid crazy about you and just dying to be around you every second, how would you speak to her?  You might feel confidence and assured and ask her out.  You would look at her differently, you'd make eye contact with her and hold your gaze.  While you talk to her, you'd be imagining what you two will be doing later.  This is how you need to act, respectful but confident and gentlemanly.  She will enjoy it.

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