ironpony Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 My friend told me how she has feelings for me, and I think she is pretty cool too. The only thing that stopped me before was that she has a 16 year old, and in the past, when I dated women with kids, it just wasn't for me. But she says it's because those kids were younger with past gfs though, where as since her's is 16, it's not like she would be 'in the way' at all, and she does not want a dad, just me as a bf. What do you think? Does she have a good point?
Erik30 Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 3 hours ago, ironpony said: But she says it's because those kids were younger with past gfs though, where as since her's is 16, it's not like she would be 'in the way' at all, Hate to break it to you, but at that age you can expect a lot of drama. "You're not my dad!" 3 hours ago, ironpony said: and she does not want a dad, just me as a bf. That's what all single parents say... it's fine if the relationship stays casual, but once it gets serious you would have to become some kind of father figure. 3 hours ago, ironpony said: when I dated women with kids, it just wasn't for me. If you don't like kids, you probably shouldn't do it. Her being a mom is not something you can ignore 3
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 OH she will be in the way! You can count on it. Amazing to me a mother could talk like this about her child. I have a 16 year old teen at home. It would be practically impossible for my boyfriend to just ignore her existance. She is part of my life, therefore part of his life. At that age there is a lot of teen/drama with friends, they start having bf/gf and they need guidance so a little drama there, in my case she needs lots of direction with school work, etc. I have no clue how my boyfriend could just stand by and not be part of it. She needs to be driven around to friends, shopping mall, etc etc. They are a full time job! Is the father present? 3
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, ironpony said: The only thing that stopped me before was that she has a 16 year old, and in the past, when I dated women with kids, it just wasn't for me. But she says it's because those kids were younger with past gfs though, where as since her's is 16, it's not like she would be 'in the way' at all, and she does not want a dad, just me as a bf. What do you think? Does she have a good point? My partner has a 16 year old son an yes, he is “in the way” a lot. He takes my partner’s time and money. He is here when he’s supposed to be here and sometimes unexpectedly when he’s supposed to be with his mother. He sits in “my” chair when he’s here ;), he eats our food, he messes up the home, he restricts our holiday plans sometimes. As a formerly single person who lived alone, it’s been a HUGE adjustment for ALL when I moved into the home this year. He is a great kid and I’m glad he is in my life, but he very much affects my life and my relationship with his father. Edited June 12, 2020 by BaileyB 2
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: My partner has a 16 year old son an yes, he is “in the way” a lot. He takes my partner’s time and money. He is here when he’s supposed to be here and sometimes unexpectedly when he’s supposed to be with his mother. He sits in “my” chair when he’s here ;), he eats our food, he messes up the home, he restricts our holiday plans sometimes. As a formerly single person who lived alone, it’s been a HUGE adjustment for ALL when I moved into the home this year. He is a great kid and I’m glad he is in my life, but he very much affects my life and my relationship with his father. Technically you're in his way, you came into thier life. Joking...somewhat. OP, girls can be very difficult. Especially when she is holding on to the hope of parents being reunited. Otherwise, it's really a short trip until she is mostly independent and or in college. Ultimately it's all in how you blend into thier unit, you will be the one with the most adjusting to do. 1
rjc149 Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 13 hours ago, ironpony said: My friend told me how she has feelings for me, and I think she is pretty cool too. ... so does that mean you're into her? Is this a romantic relationship at this point? Don't ignore logistics, but don't hide behind them either. I know 16 year old girls who are very mature, friendly, down-to-earth and quite adult-like. You watch "40 Year Old Virgin" and think they're all going to be contentious, hormonal nightmares. That may not automatically be the case. If you like this woman, then give it a shot. If it turns out the 16-year old daughter is just an overgrown baby that you struggle to tolerate, well, now you know. Add another notch to your single mother belt, and retire the belt. 1
introverted1 Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 I started dating again when my youngest daughter was 15 (my older 2 kids were out of the house and in college at this point) and it was a non-issue. My daughter was (and is) quite independent and self-directed, so I wasn't needed to help with homework or nag about chores. The only place it was an issue, if you can call it that, is that sex only occurred at my bf's house, and I never slept over. I am pretty sure that, at 15, she knew what adults do, but I wasn't comfortable putting it on display. So I always came home at night. I also only saw my bf on one weekend night and spent the other with my daughter. I also saw him one night during the week. The relationship didn't last too long, so I never had to cross the bridge of thinking about blending his existence into ours, but I have a feeling it would have been ok. My daughter was mature enough to want me to be happy, had no illusions that I was going to reconcile with her dad, and had her own responsibilities, friends, and hobbies.
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2020 Posted June 12, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, DKT3 said: Technically you're in his way, you came into thier life. Joking...somewhat. , I hear you. I’ve moved into his house, I am very aware of that fact. It’s been a huge adjustment and a huge sacrifice for everyone... My point being, a sixteen year old Is well on their way to maturity but his presence very much impacts our relationship. Just like my presence very much impacts his relationship with my dad. They continue to do things alone when they are together, I have acquiesced the chair when he is with us... It’s been important to me that that he still has a good relationship with his dad and that his life isn’t completely disrupted because I’ve moved into the home. I think they both appreciate that and it’s been returned to me in that, he hasn’t given us any difficulty. I don’t expect him to move out when he turns 18. If he decides to continue his schooling, and even if he doesn’t, there is no doubt in my mind that he will be with us for many years to come. So, it is fortunate that we get along very well. Edited June 12, 2020 by BaileyB 2
Author ironpony Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 Oh okay thanks. Well it seems that some advice says it shouldn't be a problem and others says, it will be, so now I am not sure.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 12 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh okay thanks. Well it seems that some advice says it shouldn't be a problem and others says, it will be, so now I am not sure. How can any of us be sure for you? Only you know her. Only you know him. 2
Author ironpony Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 Well I mean the daughter is nice around me but I don't spend much time with her, when I am with her Mom, since we are not just friends so far, and she hangs out with me apart from her. However, she does tell me about how the relationship with her daughter has been kind of rocky, since she blames her for the divorce, and there is some drama with the daughter there she says. But that's all I know so far.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, ironpony said: Well I mean the daughter is nice around me but I don't spend much time with her, when I am with her Mom, since we are not just friends so far, and she hangs out with me apart from her. However, she does tell me about how the relationship with her daughter has been kind of rocky, since she blames her for the divorce, and there is some drama with the daughter there she says. But that's all I know so far. That's actually all we know too. So you're going to have to work this out yourself. I'm not being mean, but when you're talking about entering a child's life you just can not count on strangers on the internet guessing how to handle it. It really is up to you. You need to be the adult and figure out what is best. 1
Author ironpony Posted June 13, 2020 Author Posted June 13, 2020 Yes that's true, thanks. I mean I could give it a shot since I like her and she likes me apparently, I just don't know if the friendship could be ruined or tainted if it doesn't work out.
CaliforniaGirl Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 20 minutes ago, ironpony said: Yes that's true, thanks. I mean I could give it a shot since I like her and she likes me apparently, I just don't know if the friendship could be ruined or tainted if it doesn't work out. Yes. It could. We can't know that. Good luck.
DKT3 Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 41 minutes ago, ironpony said: Well I mean the daughter is nice around me but I don't spend much time with her, when I am with her Mom, since we are not just friends so far, and she hangs out with me apart from her. However, she does tell me about how the relationship with her daughter has been kind of rocky, since she blames her for the divorce, and there is some drama with the daughter there she says. But that's all I know so far. I mentioned that scenario in my other post on your thread. I've seen teenage girls absolutely decimate their parents relationships after divorce when they believe they should or could get back together. However, we don't know this young lady and she may not interfere. Trial and error, you simply cannot know until you give it a shot.
Miss Spider Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 (edited) Teen boys get in the way lol. I’ve heard they’re not as tough as girls, but they can be a handful at times and if you get serious with this woman you will probably find yourself in a position to be a father to this child. You may have to discipline him for riding his skateboard where he should or smoking some weed and hear “Give me back my xbox, you ****. Stop acting like you’re my ****** dad. “ I know I paint a pretty picture of parenthood, but it is not all fun and games. Personally, even in the worst case scenario, I would not mind being a parent to a step kid. I think that it would be super rewarding. Also he isn’t even young enough to really have fruit snacks you can steal on your way out ... Edited June 13, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Blind-Sided Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 I guess I'm the only person here who will take the other side to this. I have 2 kids... one is a teen girl. She is with me the majority of the time. She is truly not in the way. When my youngest daughter is with her mother... and my GF is over... my daughter doesn't care, and actually likes my GF. She is also old enough that if I say... "We are going out for a while"... my daughter says... "OK, have fun." Besides, my daughter is happy to sit in her room, and play xbox with her friends. As far as the point to "You are not my mother"... well... your kid would be right. So, your new GF should not expect to be a parent to your kid at all. You will only get angry responses from the kid if you are trying to be a parent to the kid... so simply don't do it. My GF has voiced her opinion on that very point... but I've told her she never has to be "Mom" because my kids bio mother lives 5 minuets away... and anytime they need to see her... they just have to ask. Obviously it's your call... but you never know until you try.
Gaeta Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 Ironpony: Is the father present? How long your friend (new gf) has divorced her ex? If the daughter holds her mom responsible for their divorce that makes me think their split didn't happen long ago?
poppyfields Posted June 13, 2020 Posted June 13, 2020 On 6/12/2020 at 8:18 AM, Gaeta said: OH she will be in the way! You can count on it. Amazing to me a mother could talk like this about her child. I have a 16 year old teen at home. It would be practically impossible for my boyfriend to just ignore her existance. She is part of my life, therefore part of his life. At that age there is a lot of teen/drama with friends, they start having bf/gf and they need guidance so a little drama there, in my case she needs lots of direction with school work, etc. I have no clue how my boyfriend could just stand by and not be part of it. She needs to be driven around to friends, shopping mall, etc etc. They are a full time job! Is the father present? Gaeta, off topic a bit, but the way you describe your bf, he sounds AWESOME. Your life sounds very exciting and fulfilling. My bf and I are considering adopting a child, and although your 16 year old wasn't adopted (I don't sense that anyway) your experience is very encouraging Thank you for posting! And apologize to OP for the brief thread-jack. 1
Author ironpony Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: Ironpony: Is the father present? How long your friend (new gf) has divorced her ex? If the daughter holds her mom responsible for their divorce that makes me think their split didn't happen long ago? The split happened close to when she was born actually. I father has some presence in her life. I never met him personally.
datingvirgin Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 Well to be honest, are you expecting single without children to not have any drama? That isn't the case either, we all have our own baggage to deal with whether its kids or other relationships or scars from that.. The question should be is she everything you want in a person. The basis should be love and wanting to be with her. If she comes with a kid so what? Don't mean to be rude here but frankly no one can replace a father. You will just be another person the daughter knows and trusts most likely.
Spainglish Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 On 6/12/2020 at 12:43 AM, ironpony said: The only thing that stopped me before was that she has a 16 year old, and in the past, when I dated women with kids, it just wasn't for me. But she says it's because those kids were younger with past gfs though, where as since her's is 16, it's not like she would be 'in the way' at all, and she does not want a dad, just me as a bf. What do you think? Does she have a good point? You cannot just think about what you want your relationship to be with the mother. You MUST think about what your relationship and role will be for the daughter. Even if you are "just a boyfriend", her daughter is at a very impressionable age and you will essentially be helping to mold who she is in these crucial years. Her daughter is learning what relationships should be and how a man should treat a woman. If you are not ready to be that example, keep moving. They are living their life just fine right now. DO NOT blow up their world by inserting yourself if you plan to keep things casual and don't want the responsibility of being a father figure. DO NOT change their world if you expect the daughter to not be "in the way". A teenager is going to be in the way 24/7 and the fact that she's even using the term "in the way" is already a big, red flag. Regardless of her age, a child is a responsibility and if you want to just sit on the sidelines then this is not the right relationship for you. You need to find someone who has no kids. 1
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 You are 36, have no job and have always lived with your parents. Your plan is to be one day "big" in the film industry. Your last gf dumped you due mainly to your film ambition. Your job got in the way of your film ambition. When will you have time, money or energy to devote to help "bring up" this woman's child? Yes the kid is "her " kid, but you cannot expect to take a permanent back seat. Once you get involved, you will be expected to take part. 4
smackie9 Posted June 14, 2020 Posted June 14, 2020 (edited) Everyone is different. Go out on some dates, meet the kid see where it takes you. Remember that kid will be graduating next year possible? and going out the door. And hell you are not living with her....I would wait for a few years anyways...just date, and have fun. If things go sideways, oh well, onto the next one. Edited June 14, 2020 by smackie9
Author ironpony Posted June 14, 2020 Author Posted June 14, 2020 9 hours ago, elaine567 said: You are 36, have no job and have always lived with your parents. Your plan is to be one day "big" in the film industry. Your last gf dumped you due mainly to your film ambition. Your job got in the way of your film ambition. When will you have time, money or energy to devote to help "bring up" this woman's child? Yes the kid is "her " kid, but you cannot expect to take a permanent back seat. Once you get involved, you will be expected to take part. Oh okay thanks. I did bring up these points, but she didn't have a problem with any of them it seems.
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