Speaking after months of looking

[yesilikebread]

Since the beginning of time..just kidding..but this year me and this man have been looking at each other. I pass his office window every day, and it went from staring to smiling to waving. Fast forward to last week when we met by accident on the street, he greeted me and we started to chat, after a while he asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him sometime and of course I said yes! I mean, I have been wanting to speak with him for so long so I gave him my number. He texted me soon after we said good bye and set up a date for that weekend. 

Finally the weekend comes along and we meet for a beer. He is clearly nervous, but so am I. Time flies, we have a great time and I enjoy his company. He tells me that he has been wanting to speak to me for a very long time and had thoughts of putting a post it on the window. He also said that he saw me recently in a cafe, and wanted to say hi, but was too nervous, I assume.

 

First, I just want to say that I do find him interesting and I am attracted to him, we do have chemistry, BUT he comes off quite eager, and that's why I'm here. 

He tried to hold my hand on our first meet up, I thought I sneakily removed my grip, but obviously not because a while later he asked me if I didn't want to hold his hand, which I responded by saying that I don't feel comfortable doing that. On our way home we kiss..a little bit, and he later asks me if I want to go to his place implying we "didn't have to sleep together", I say no, telling him it's too early for that. 

Next day he text me asking me if I want to take a walk with him, because of the nice weather. I reply telling him that I felt objectified by him, when he talked about the way I look many times, and inviting me to his place on our first meeting. The only reason why I didn't say anything in the moment was because I had such a good time, I only reflected upon it the next morning.

He apologized and said that he feels really bad, and that he didn't intend on making me feel that way. I do believe him, and I just wanted to let him know how I felt. I of course don't know him, but I'm not getting a BAD vibe from him, just a little bit desperate vibe, maybe. 

Well, I decide to give it another shot and ask him if he's free Friday, he said that he was planning on going to his hometown but wasn't sure, we set up another day and all is well. A few days later he texts me and asks if I'm still free on Friday, since he's no longer going to his hometown. He seems so available all the time, telling me he has an open schedule many times, that kind of turns me off. I want him to have his own life with hobbies and activities. 

Now my question is, is this level of interest indicative of neediness/desperation or is he just keen because we have been looking at each other for so long? 

Help a lady out, please

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You balked at hand holding but you were OK with kissing?   That makes no sense to me. 

The man sounds eager / keen, not desperate.  Maybe I missed it but other then inviting you back to his place what did he do to objectify you?  I did not see that anywhere in your post. 

My personal rule is that I don't get upset if a man propositions me early on.  I take it as flattering as long as when I said no & explain my boundaries, he respects them.  One request of let's go back to my place is no big deal.  Men will almost always try for sex.  IMO, it's part of their hardwired DNA.  If he can deal with the postponement & we can carry on dating it's no big deal. 

However if you felt objectified you best delve into why.  

[yesilikebread]

I just don't like holding hands with anyone, It has always been like that!

 

Well, he did say things about my appearance which made me feel objectified, maybe not so much on our date, but more so after the date and in the context of inviting me over, really when I had time to reflect. 

I don't have huge experience of men inviting me to their place on a first date, and I have met some questionable types

[Versacehottie]

His mind is probably blow that he's turned what seemed like a fantasy (talking and being on a date with you) into making it happen.  I agree with donnivan that unless they are being creepy or unless you don't like them, guys are hardwired to try.  Add in the fact that you're probably his fantasy girl and he's living out a bit of a fantasy.  You are doing the right things to reel him back into to where you are comfortable which is the right thing to do.

I think you need more information from a few more dates or talking/messaging over time.  Do it at your own pace.  Don't rush to his pace.  Don't go to his place--just keep meeting him in public. If he likes you genuinely and has decent intentions, he should be fine with that. 

I hear you on the fact that he needs to have his own interests and be more of a busy guy in general rather than overly available.  Try to reserve judgement a bit until you get to know him a little better.  Though sometimes things just play out like this: a non-talking, non-interacting vision is much better than then living breathing person as a match for you.  Good luck

[Backinthesaddleagain]

1 hour ago, yesilikebread said:

Since the beginning of time..just kidding..but this year me and this man have been looking at each other. I pass his office window every day, and it went from staring to smiling to waving. Fast forward to last week when we met by accident on the street, he greeted me and we started to chat, after a while he asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him sometime and of course I said yes! I mean, I have been wanting to speak with him for so long so I gave him my number. He texted me soon after we said good bye and set up a date for that weekend. 

Finally the weekend comes along and we meet for a beer. He is clearly nervous, but so am I. Time flies, we have a great time and I enjoy his company. He tells me that he has been wanting to speak to me for a very long time and had thoughts of putting a post it on the window. He also said that he saw me recently in a cafe, and wanted to say hi, but was too nervous, I assume.

 

First, I just want to say that I do find him interesting and I am attracted to him, we do have chemistry, BUT he comes off quite eager, and that's why I'm here. 

He tried to hold my hand on our first meet up, I thought I sneakily removed my grip, but obviously not because a while later he asked me if I didn't want to hold his hand, which I responded by saying that I don't feel comfortable doing that. On our way home we kiss..a little bit, and he later asks me if I want to go to his place implying we "didn't have to sleep together", I say no, telling him it's too early for that. 

Next day he text me asking me if I want to take a walk with him, because of the nice weather. I reply telling him that I felt objectified by him, when he talked about the way I look many times, and inviting me to his place on our first meeting. The only reason why I didn't say anything in the moment was because I had such a good time, I only reflected upon it the next morning.

He apologized and said that he feels really bad, and that he didn't intend on making me feel that way. I do believe him, and I just wanted to let him know how I felt. I of course don't know him, but I'm not getting a BAD vibe from him, just a little bit desperate vibe, maybe. 

Well, I decide to give it another shot and ask him if he's free Friday, he said that he was planning on going to his hometown but wasn't sure, we set up another day and all is well. A few days later he texts me and asks if I'm still free on Friday, since he's no longer going to his hometown. He seems so available all the time, telling me he has an open schedule many times, that kind of turns me off. I want him to have his own life with hobbies and activities. 

Now my question is, is this level of interest indicative of neediness/desperation or is he just keen because we have been looking at each other for so long? 

Help a lady out, please

 

 

 

 

So you work together, see each other all the time, and bump into each other on occasion. Then you go out on a date that went well, and he lets you know that he has been wanting this for some time. Now he is showing even more interest and is obviously very attracted to you. Wow! you must feel disgusted being "objectified" like that! Maybe you should date someone that thinks you are just average and nothing to get a boner about? 

But in all seriousness, he does sound a little on the eager side, but maybe he is serious about finding someone and is going to try to put forth some effort towards having a relationship. Or of course, maybe he just wants to get you naked. You will need more time to figure this out since you two don't really know each other yet. Is he sending creepy vibes? The hand holding thing is weird but maybe he was just trying to be sweet. Just be nice and let him know where your boundaries are while you figure out if he is relationship material or not. 

And in closing, don't date coworkers. It's like a 99% chance that it won't work and then your job may or may not be miserable until one of you quit or get fired. But based on your "objectified" comment, I would be scared of HR if I was him. There are plenty of places to find love that you don't work at. Good luck with it

[Lotsgoingon]

Inviting you to his place was a mistake. You want to invite someone over at the end of a first date only when you're ravenously, passionately kissing and it's like you can't break away from each other. In that case, the man doesn't need to invite. It just happens.

Yes, this guy sounds like he hasn't dated a lot and he's acting a bit too desperate.  Doesn't mean he has nothing going on with his life, but I get you. It's easy to get scared if it seems like someone doesn't have a life outside of wanting to get together with us. 

I'd probably say see him again. You do want to be direct about how uncomfortable you were about him inviting you to his place when you had just met. Now that I think about it, that invitation to his place seems like a red flag to me. Why? Because you too had a romantic movie start. He looks at you passing, you look at him as you pass. The vibe is let's meet and talk ... and on a date, you'd stay on the romantic side of things, talking and gazing into each other's eyes. 

Sounds like he wasn't able to read you and not able to go with the energy between you two ... that he disconnected from what was really going on with you two in the moment and went for the formula of inviting you to his place. Really he should have been content with a wonderful night of talking and then play things by ear at the end.

But just because he's goofy and over-eager on a first date doesn't mean he'd be a bad partner. You can ask him about his life and hobbies and all of that on a second date or just listen like hell when he talks and just poke around with a question or two about the rest of his life. I find if I shut up and really listen ... maybe ask just a few questions ... I can get a sense of a person's life. 

Oh, on feeling objectified, I'm not sure I have enough info. There is a way a guy can compliment a woman's looks--wow you look really nice ... that probably feels fine. There's also a way to compliment a woman's looks that is generic ... you're a beautiful girl. Usually you don't have to tell someone they look great because your energy and enthusiasm will communicate that you feel great being with them.  I'd pay attention to the feeling of being objectified. See if that feeling occurs the next time. Unfortunately complimenting your looks in an objectifying way = going with a formula,  similar to him inviting back to his place sounds like a formulaic predetermined script. 

He might not be as mature as you ... but you do say he you had a great time with him. 

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, yesilikebread said:

Since the beginning of time..just kidding..but this year me and this man have been looking at each other. I pass his office window every day, and it went from staring to smiling to waving. Fast forward to last week when we met by accident on the street, he greeted me and we started to chat, after a while he asked me if I wanted to have a beer with him sometime and of course I said yes! I mean, I have been wanting to speak with him for so long so I gave him my number. He texted me soon after we said good bye and set up a date for that weekend. 

Finally the weekend comes along and we meet for a beer. He is clearly nervous, but so am I. Time flies, we have a great time and I enjoy his company. He tells me that he has been wanting to speak to me for a very long time and had thoughts of putting a post it on the window. He also said that he saw me recently in a cafe, and wanted to say hi, but was too nervous, I assume.

 

First, I just want to say that I do find him interesting and I am attracted to him, we do have chemistry, BUT he comes off quite eager, and that's why I'm here. 

He tried to hold my hand on our first meet up, I thought I sneakily removed my grip, but obviously not because a while later he asked me if I didn't want to hold his hand, which I responded by saying that I don't feel comfortable doing that. On our way home we kiss..a little bit, and he later asks me if I want to go to his place implying we "didn't have to sleep together", I say no, telling him it's too early for that. 

Next day he text me asking me if I want to take a walk with him, because of the nice weather. I reply telling him that I felt objectified by him, when he talked about the way I look many times, and inviting me to his place on our first meeting. The only reason why I didn't say anything in the moment was because I had such a good time, I only reflected upon it the next morning.

He apologized and said that he feels really bad, and that he didn't intend on making me feel that way. I do believe him, and I just wanted to let him know how I felt. I of course don't know him, but I'm not getting a BAD vibe from him, just a little bit desperate vibe, maybe. 

Well, I decide to give it another shot and ask him if he's free Friday, he said that he was planning on going to his hometown but wasn't sure, we set up another day and all is well. A few days later he texts me and asks if I'm still free on Friday, since he's no longer going to his hometown. He seems so available all the time, telling me he has an open schedule many times, that kind of turns me off. I want him to have his own life with hobbies and activities. 

Now my question is, is this level of interest indicative of neediness/desperation or is he just keen because we have been looking at each other for so long? 

Help a lady out, please

 

 

 

 

It could be a mixture of both.. hes obviously highly attracted to you. 

Ive been in a similar scenario where i met the guy..we spoke it was all good but then he  immediately wanted to hold my hand and hug me etc etc..i said no

Just like you thought  id give the guy another chance but the rest of the dates were all him being far too touchy feely all the time. And course soon enough he invited me to go to a hotel with him. By then he had just  grossed me out and i cut off all contact. Deleted/blocked  etc etc..

So it is quite possible this guy wants to just sleep with you..and that's about it.

But im sure with a couple more dates  you could figure that out 

On a sidenote it is a bit too keen of him to always be free for you. So i would be wary.

[Miss Spider]

He sounds like he's desperate to get in them guts

[yesilikebread]

Well, I suppose only time will tell. 

He has told me that his intentions are not to pump and dump (my words not his), but of course we all know actions speak louder than words.  I will meet him for a second date and see how he is acting.

 

And we don't work together, I pass his office window on the street every day
 

[contel3]

Holding hands with someone you just met is a bit weird. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable.

[d0nnivain]

I think going on the 2nd date is an excellent idea.  Hopefully you will both be less uptight & better able to get to know each other.  

Let us know how it goes.  Sending you good vibes.  

[DarrenB]

Post-it notes through windows, desperate attempts to initiate passion on a first date and a VERY open schedule when it comes to you? Kind of reminds me of that Netflix series 'You', if you know you know.

All jokes aside, remain cautious and aware but enjoy your time you spend with him. You'll obviously need to get a better understanding of him as a person before you progress the romantic advances. Best of luck

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

Well, I suppose only time will tell. 

He has told me that his intentions are not to pump and dump (my words not his), but of course we all know actions speak louder than words.  I will meet him for a second date and see how he is acting.

 

And we don't work together, I pass his office window on the street every day
 

lol, the words (bolded above ^^^) are a little sketch to be saying to someone you just met on a first date but maybe you had that kind of rapport.  That would probably bother me more than the attempted hand holding--though I completely understand that's just not your style.

I think give him another date and go from there. Good luck

[Miss Spider]

xxxxxxx

Edited June 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

Just communicate to him that you want to take your time getting to know him, that you don't like rushing things. That should be a big enough hint for him to cool it. If he doesn't get it, then he's pretty stupid and or he's only looking out for himself.

[miranda561]

22 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

Well, I suppose only time will tell. 

He has told me that his intentions are not to pump and dump (my words not his), but of course we all know actions speak louder than words.  I will meet him for a second date and see how he is acting.

 

And we don't work together, I pass his office window on the street every day
 

Why would he even use those crass words to describe what he doesnt want?

In my experience people who say they don't  want that...its exactly what they want. 

Don't  fall for it

Edited June 11, 2020 by miranda561

[Backinthesaddleagain]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Why would he even use those crass words to describe what he doesnt want?

In my experience people who say they don't  want that...its exactly what they want. 

Don't  fall for it

Those were her words, not his. 

[Alexa 95]

This don't  sound too promisin.

You already gettin 2nd thoughts.

He shouldnt av escalated his actions in such a manner.

[poppyfields]

On 6/10/2020 at 8:28 AM, yesilikebread said:

Well, he did say things about my appearance which made me feel objectified.

What did he say exactly?  Did he make comments about your breasts and a** or something?  

Clearly he is attracted to you and not shy about letting you know.  Does that make you feel uncomfortable and "objectified"?    That he is open about his attraction to you?

Unless he made lewd suggestive comments about specific body parts, I fail to understand why a man expressing attraction makes you feel objectified. 

Most men will test boundaries in the beginning, invite you over, that's to be expected in my experience. 

As long as he respects your boundaries, all is good.

Try to relax and enjoy this man's attraction to you. 

If you're unable to do that, you are going to find dating very difficult.

Edited June 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Alexa 95]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What did he say exactly?  Did he make comments about your breasts and a** or something?  

Clearly he is attracted to you and not shy about letting you know.  Does that make you feel uncomfortable and "objectified"?    That he is open about his attraction to you?

Unless he made lewd suggestive comments about specific body parts, I fail to understand why a man expressing attraction makes you feel objectified. 

Most men will test boundaries in the beginning, invite you over, that's to be expected in my experience. 

As long as he respects your boundaries, all is good.

Try to relax and enjoy this man's attraction to you. 

If you're unable to do that, you are going to find dating very difficult.

It was only the first date.

Aint it a bit too quick to mention parts of her body. ?

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Alexa 95 said:

It was only the first date.

Aint it a bit too quick to mention parts of her body. ?

Yes that is why I asked.  If he did, I can understand her feeling objectified, but if NOT, if he merely expressed his attraction to her by telling her he thinks she is beautiful or something, then that would not be objectifying.

And yes there are some a-holes who would comment on her body parts on first or second date, as crude as it is.

I've encountered a few. 

[BreakOnThrough]

C'mon, this isn't about being "objectified", this is more about his apparent acts of being clingy, he played his cards too early, should have played it more cool with you upfront, made you work for his affections, if he did that, you would have been putty in his hands, not questioning him like you are.

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

C'mon, this isn't about being "objectified", this is more about his apparent acts of being clingy, he played his cards too early, should have played it more cool with you upfront, made you work for his affections, if he did that, you would have been putty in his hands, not questioning him like you are.

Maybe, but the case may be that when guys are a total lay down/super easy it can be as much of a turn off for some women.

 

I would imagine if a guy was giving a lot and only physical compliments it would be a kind of very icky feeling, not matter how cool he is playing it. This guy played the wrong cards for her, perhaps. It reeks of thirst and not many women want a man who is that dehydrated...