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Posted (edited)

I am at my wits end. Finally I have started to gain back some of my self-esteem and started considering leaving instead of most likely ruining my life.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't get it. Before him I was successful, I was quite happy, content. Rather lonely still but I was okay with it for the most part. Then 1.5 years ago he came. He himself was a massive red flag from the start. Boasting about drugs, being to jail, he was proud of being a straight up loser. I thought whatever, will see him casually. It was long distance, 2000km. I went to his country for work often.

Things started to change. Over the course of 1 year, he turned into a different man. Stopped smoking, stopped drugs. I did not realise it then but he was still often treating me terribly. When I was worried, I was nagging. When I had a reasonable request, he threw a temper tantrum. None of my boundaries were respected. He one time picked me up from the airport under influence, so I would "trust him". I previously stated multiple times it's not okay with me. He forced me to meet his mother. He told me we will go have breakfast, when we arrived I found out his mum was waiting inside. I did not want to meet his parents. I was not confident in the relationship. 

I largely let him drag me through the mud. I justified it all thanks to his sweet words and gestures when he wasn't being horrible. We travelled, we fought a lot, sometimes he told me to get out of his car in random cities in a different country and drove off. In the end I was still naive enough to see a good and kind gentleman in him. I always have hope for people. I never think that they would just hurt me like that. How could they, I couldn't. 

The entire time he was cheating on me. He was sexting online with the lowest tramp I have ever come across. She looked like she had just washed up onto the shore. First 2 months he was shamelessly lying to me. Claiming he didn't "remember", he was trickle truthing, making up stories. Till I one day found out the whole truth. He had also tried to get in touch with his ex after a fight we had had, to rekindle things. His ex was kind of like the tramp he cheated on me with. And then look at me. I am a good, kind, honest woman. I help, I always listen, I always hope for people. I get called beautiful so often, I am good at my job and am set to reach a high position one day. And this happened to me?

Then the relationship turned physically abusive. I admit, I was the one to hit first. I cannot believe how I turned into such a monster. I was beaten in my past relationship. I know how horrible it is. My therapist explained it to me as a traumatic response, unable to control the pain that just burns inside. I don't want to be a monster, which is why I have taken 100% control over myself, even if it makes me hate myself. Sometimes I have self harmed because I want the emotional pain to be overcome by the physical. Which is also the reason why I often calmed down after he hit me.

I still tried, still had faith. Even though he still treated me badly. We are still long distance and often during fights, he let me cry on the phone and continue to belittle me and insult me. Only when I gave up, did he turn empathetic and loving. So manipulative. All he does is gaslight me, and I am crazy enough to still have hope for him.

He was set to drive here, to move in with me. I am only 21, I fear this would ruin my life. I currently live with parents as mum got cancer a little while back and needed help, so I left my previous apartment and returned home. Mum is okay now and I am set to move out again. I don't have much money right now due to corona and my partner was not going to help me whatsoever either, he doesn't have a job. His parents were supposed to fund his education and living while he was studying but his parents are a special kind of crazy. They have decided to take his money away from him and let his granny pay for his education. He will not be receiving any money for living. His parents planned on dumping him on me.

I am scared I will ruin my life completely if he comes here. I often think of being single again, I even had a dream tonight where I was in love with the kindest man. But I am also so scared to walk away. 

I don't think I really have a question. I just wanted to type this out, my mind's running wild. I think I will journal my thoughts and situation here sometimes. Hope I'll one day look back and be somewhat proud of myself.

Edited by Negotaurus
Posted

You know this relationship is toxic & it has to be over.  Just end it.  Go NC.  Block him everywhere.  Keep talking to your therapist.  You will be OK,  If he shows up, don't let him in & call the police.  

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

I know how you feel. I am in the same situation as you. Over time you will even felt you are worthless and you try to be as good as possible to please him just so you can get his attention and love and validation or just anything to justify that he is the man same man that you fall in love with. 

I know it might sound easy everyone to say just leave, but every time i want to leave, my heart says stay. He might change. And every time during a nasty argument where he torture my mind for 2 or 3 hours with all the rude mean words, watching me break down and cry speechless, i decided to leave again.

It will repeat as he is who he is. We must leave the relationship as we know there is one better waiting for us ahead. 

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