Girlfriend broke up with me to find 'herself' and has checked out of the relationship for like a month before breaking up.

[lazySnorlax]

In short: She broke up with me when I asked her for a long term commitment after three years of being in the relationship. This gave rise to a big argument. She gave me multiple reasons:

1] Told me she didn't see her in married life and wanted to be single forever. I was okay moving to her place after marriage/live-in or whatever so that she can be with her mom, she is very close to her.

2] She is breaking up with me to find 'herself' and that she is confused about our relationship. She needs time to be single and work on her own.

3] She said she felt 'unloved' in the relationship and it will hurt her to continue it further. [I wasn't communicative enough during quarantine just chatting on whatsapp thanks to my job and chicken pox, I agree I am kind of aloof by nature. But she liked it, I was the funny me with her. ]

4] Then added that she is sorry that after 3 years she realized this and that it is her decision and that she is being selfish and that there is nothing I can do to change it, it is over.

All this time during the week I was trying to convince her to reconsider. She is very close to her parents and that they didn't approve her dating me.

Long story: Let me tell you the entire story, we had been together for 3 years. It started during the first year of the masters degree, she proposed me. Told me that she liked me, and it was an awesome run for two years, then we got into our jobs and sourness started arising. She told that in the last one year she has felt 'unloved' in the relationship. That the more she loves me, the less she loves herself and she feels pathetic for it. And I agree due to different jobs we had started to grow apart but the way I looked at it, we were growing. We still went out on dates and stuff, just that we weren't together all day like we were in college.

Since the quarantine started our communication reduced, I thought this was an already difficult time. For me I had to go through chicken pox, family pressures, office work load etc. I agree I didn't communicate well during the pandemic. I noticed change and confronted her on last Thursday, and hell breaks lose. She said she wanted to take a break, to find herself, that she is confused that there is even a future!

I asked her to decide once and for all, I was in it for marriage. She told me she doesn't want to marry ever, she never saw herself in that married life and wanted to enjoy her life. Things grew heated, I told her to stop playing with me. I asked her genuinely whether this was about some other guy if at all?
She got angry, past differences came up. She told me I was never there to 'console her for her emotions'. Guess what it has been so since day one, that's my nature. She knew what she was getting into, I am like Chandler basically (If you understand Friends reference, not good at advice but offering sarcastic comments). I was blamed for making her feel unloved, not consoling her and many things. I just had one thing to say at that time, if there was so much negativity in her mind, why didn't she tell me about it. The response was that I was supposed to know it. Stopped talking after that, Monday I texted her again. begged her to reconsider. Tuesday again sent her long emails about how good we were in the past and that now that we know about our problems we could start working on them. She was firm and told me that she is choosing herself over me, she was okay being blamed and being the b*tch. All in all there wasn't ever a particular reason why she broke up with me, at first she told it was about marriage, then about the fact that I wasn't good at communicating, then about the issue with me not being there to console her etc. I love her a lot. Can't even explain how much. We had such good moments during our relationship. She was the one, I was ready to fight for her as much as possible, thus the begging for 3 days.

My side of the story, I couldn't sleep for the last 7 days, went to the doctor in an ambulance because of heavy breathing and hallucinations. Last I talked to her was Friday, I just vent it out in a long message, about how she had commitment issues and that it is okay for her to have emotions but I was being punished for not being able to console her. The fact that I was ready to change so many things about me, we decided I'd move to her place after marriage just so that she can be with her parents. She is the only child and she didn't want to leave her parents alone so, I was ready to leave mine for her. That's how real it was from my side, I was ready to compromise. In the past she has been in two relationships and those two guys had dumped her for being too emotional.

She told me she wanted to stay friends I have kind of agreed to talk in whatsapp groups and when in our friends circle, because she is literally the only one I talk to. But I said no to personal talks, and have been in no contact since Friday, I have made my peace with it, but it seems like everything I do is in some hope of getting her back. Hoping of reconciliation. And it is difficult, I literally have no one to talk to about his.

---------------------

It feels nice to write all this down somewhere I already feel a little lighter. Sorry for the long post, I don't know if anyone will read this, but I seriously hope some day she will be back and that this was just a hasty decision from her side, she said she still loves me but she has realized that the more she loves me the less she loves herself. And that she isn't sure about future. I feel like she just used me for 3 years but I want to not believe these feelings and hope that it wasn't so. Because I saw that true love in her too.

Is it wrong to have hope? If not please can someone help me kill it. Because I for sure know this hope will kill me and affect me for a long time.

Edited June 10, 2020 by lazySnorlax

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. I know this sucks.

It sounds like she really is done and wanted out for a while. There are a litany of issues, it seems, and she has no desire to work on them. You can't really do much with that. On top of that, your future goals are not the same. You want marriage someday, she does not. She is very attached to her parents, who don't like her dating you. When someone starts listing all these as reasons for breaking up, they're hoping something will stick so you stop asking them to reconsider. 

Unfortunately, time and No Contact are the only things that will minimize your hope. Break-ups are very hard, especially when they're not mutual. So yes, it will hurt for a while. But having been through a few significant break-ups in my time? It does get better. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are well enough to post.  You have been through a lot. 

This wasn't a hasty decision on your GFs part.  She wants to break up in part because she understands you want different things but also because this relationship stopped working for her.  

Her offer of friendship is not genuine.  At best it means she wants an amicable break up with no drama.  It does not mean she wants to keep in touch.  

Let her go.  Focus on your own healing.  

[schlumpy]

I hope you have very dear friends that are willing to listen to you blab about her for the next few months and tolerate your emotional ups an downs. They will eventually be rewarded when you climb out of the pit you are languishing in.

Didn't sleep for seven days? That's how real it is? I would say that's how "unreal" it is.

Her reasoning for breaking up is very clear and irrefutable. You have to take it for what it is even you do suspect there is someone standing behind her in the shadows.

If you want her to come back you have pretty much thrown that chance out the window by begging, pleading and offering to become whatever person she wants you to be. If she had any doubts about dumping you your behavior banished them.

Instead, you need to maintain and reinforce your aloofness. If she wants the relationship over today you want it over yesterday. Make sure you get everything from her that is yours. Take all of your memorabilia and destroy it. Fire is the preferred method. Every physical object she gave you that touched your life or was associated with her - up in flames.

Flush her from social media and off the phone. Get a new phone number. When your lease is up move to a new apartment.

Avoid her if you can but If you see her and she wants to talk then only give one syllable answers and act as if you are busy and need to get away. Grunt if you can get away with it.

The next time she mentions being friends just laugh without explaining.

Look up a technique called the 180 (one eighty). It's a list of actions you can take that will over a period of time help you detach from your feelings. It will help you get out of the fog.

Do these things or things similar until you quit thinking of her every day. Once you feel indifference you will once again be on a equal footing. Right now the advantage is all on her side so you need these things to protect yourself. A little hate and anger helps a lot. 

You are in very deep so don't give up if you make some progress and then relapse. It's a long process and I'm afraid you are going to suffer.

Many people have been where you are. I have my own memories.

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like this breakup is very hard for you.  I sympathize with that.  But she is not going to reconsider.  Stop contacting her trying to convince her to take you back, or holding out hope in the back of your mind that she will take you back one day.  It's over.  Staying in denial about that will just make it harder for you to get over this.  It sounds like she just wasn't happy in the relationship and she knew she had to end it, and she tried to let you down as easy as possible.  You're going to have to accept that and you will get through this.  I know it's very hard right now but it will get easier with time.

[lazySnorlax]

Thanks guys for your insightful replies. I am already on the path of no contact, the last time I talked to her I made it very clear that I didn't want this to end and that she was the one not ready to work on things. I'll be there if she has any emergencies as a person who is there to help, but no talking from now on. We have a very close group of friends, so completely avoiding her would be impossible. I am going to try my best to block her out, from all parts of my life. Quarantine makes this pretty easy actually. The one doubt I have is she wanted us to be 'friends', I clearly stated I wouldn't want to be in the friend zone.She is like stone, she is literally not bothered, and also went so much to say that I should start dating other girls out there, better fish in the sea.

Life has been pretty difficult, no matter how hard I try my mind ends up thinking about her from time to time, hard to concentrate on my job which I have resumed now after a few days of break (I am a Linux System Administrator). I have blocked her everywhere, except for whatsapp where she texted me once yesterday all of a sudden for some stupid thing, I replied with just an emoticon.

I got my appetite back, sleep is meh for now. I have spoken to a few friends about it, with no use. They said they can't even imagine me being sad, for how much ever long they have known me they can't imagine me being like this crying sad blob that I have become. Which made me realize that I had a life before her, and that I was so much more independent and in control of my emotions. I have never cried ever for anything through out my life, this is probably the first time I have been this sad. Which is kind of a new learning experience. I know begging and pleading was a big mistake, but you've got to understand it was like life being pulled from under my feet. She was home for me. She was the one who proposed me, before her I was happy single, aloof guy, like an emotionless stone who just played and developed games. I never cared about anything even remotely related to relationships. Then one fine day she was just there, everywhere. She started sitting with me through lectures. Slowly slowly she made her way into my life and I felt this connection. We have a lot of common interests. She built me up, I actually was better at communication thanks to her, before her I had this image of a last bench Linux geek, 1 year of being with her and now I was the center piece of conversation driving college festivals as head leading a team of 100 people. I liked who I was with her, that's the biggest regret. I'll miss the 'us' we were literally an inseparable team, the guy who I was with her was a different version of me. She was the one who started this relationship, in fact she proposed me looking at my carelessness, sarcasm and funny nature, and now she is the one who is ending it because of that same nature. Guess falling in love was a lesson for me, people change and we shouldn't get too attached with them and I learnt this the hard way.

[mark clemson]

The right approach. Don't chase, instead recover and continue the process of building a better life for yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. There's a good chance in 10 years or what have you, you'll look back and see the 3 years as just another period in your life. Maybe you'll have kids by then, who knows.

[schlumpy]

blab here all you want lazy. I'll listen. You have to get your power back. Flushing her out is the only way and do take her up on dating again. Give her best a friend a call and show her the best time of her life.

Get angry man. 

[lazySnorlax]

An update, she texted me today on WhatsApp. We didn't talk at all before this for what feels like an eternity. She asked how I was feeling, and then slowly drifted topic towards the break up. She told me that she fell out of love with me and grew apart during the last two months. And that there is nothing wrong with it. I think may be it is because of quarantine, we haven't been able to see each other since months. When I asked for a reason, she told that I was unable to understand her and not able to console during times of emotional needs She said she wanted to be friends again, I made it pretty clear, apologized for everything, acting aloof, not  taking her seriously at times she felt like it etc. But I clearly told her that friendship was not good for my healing Even she agreed that, being her friend in hope of winning her back was a wrong thing. She told I should move on, she even offered to set me up with one of her friends. She said it is difficult for her too, but she is going to stick to her decision. She also said that the way she sees it, if we got back together it will be the same again and we both will be hurt again. 

The entire point of this was that she fell out of love with me.I told her that I was unhappy with her decision and that we deserved a chance to work on things, rather than her bottling up her feelings if she had spoken up during those two months may be all this would never have happened. And then that was it. We decided we'd meet some day once when she feels okay with it, she told it is difficult for her right now to see me. No contact continues now. The trouble I have with no contact is that we are in a same group of friends so we talk there a little but, and also she keeps commenting and liking on my instagram post [I am a game developer, and I have decided to gather some audience for my games, and thus I have started a programming humor sort of instagram page to gather like minded audience. ]

As for my side of things, my mind still keeps thinking about her. But I am trying to use my work as distraction and it has worked. But I wake up with her thoughts on my mind and my mind keeps drifting towards her constantly, any remedy for this? 

[lazySnorlax]

Also I burnt a t-shirt that she gave me as a birthday gift. That was a lot of fun 

[schlumpy]

You are doing pretty well except:

She calls you up and gives you permission to date her friends? All the better to keep tabs on you. Date on your own terms. You don't need her permission. Did you give her permission to date also? 

She says it's difficult for her too but she will persevere. How gallant.

What she actually did was throw some crumbs of hope to nibble on. She made sure that she's still in control and that you are sitting nicely on shelf for handy retrieval whenever she is in the mood. That will be after she has several growth experiences with other people.

She set you back to zero.

For your sake, please block her. 

[lazySnorlax]

I totally ignored her point of setting me up, I told her it was my decision to make and that's it. I chose to be with myself for now. But damn you've changed my perspective towards her text, I actually thought she cared about me

I'll block her but she specifically asked me not to block her once during the last time she contacted, and promised me she won't bother me until absolutely necessary. Guess that was a way of her to control me too then?
 

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, lazySnorlax said:

I'll block her but she specifically asked me not to block her once during the last time she contacted, and promised me she won't bother me until absolutely necessary. Guess that was a way of her to control me too then?
 

My ex fiancée did the same thing. She wanted to make sure she hadn't made a mistake. She decided she hadn't although she didn't try and set me up with one her friends.

 

[Ellener]

On 6/10/2020 at 12:10 AM, lazySnorlax said:

She told me she wanted to stay friends I have kind of agreed to talk in whatsapp groups and when in our friends circle, because she is literally the only one I talk to. But I said no to personal talks, and have been in no contact since Friday, I have made my peace with it, but it seems like everything I do is in some hope of getting her back. Hoping of reconciliation. And it is difficult, I literally have no one to talk to about his.

Talk to us!

No idea whether your ex cares about you as a friend, but the relationship makes you unhappy and ill so you are right to have no contact. Your feelings will fade easier if you concentrate on looking after yourself for a while, clear your head.