Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 Hey all, This is my first time on here. I cant believe I'm writing this but I really need to put this out there and get your perspectives. I've not spoken to any friends or family about it over the last few years. I will try to be as concise as possible! I came out of a 6.5 year relationship in Summer 2017. Half a year later I very unexpectedly got chatting to this guy on tinder and after weeks of great convo we met. About 1.5 months into it we had the best date I've ever had. I think we were crazy about eachother but I wanted to take my time with getting to know him. That night we were in bed and it felt perfect, despite being tired things got a little heated. In the end I had to stop because I was so tired that I was falling asleep! To this day I don't know exactly what he responded but I remember the word 'boring'. I tried to get him to tell me what he meant but he became unresponsive and silent. I was hurt and scared of how he made me feel by that comment and what it might mean. Were all the things he did just so he could get some action? Does he not seriously like me? After getting nothing from him I ended up getting out of bed, must have been 2 or 3am, I was highly emotional, booked my uber and left. After that things were never the same. I wasn't perfect but he really hurt me after that on multiple occasions...we agreed to meet weeks if not months later and during that chat we discussed the situation and I told him I hadn't had sex before. I was 28 at the time. That evening when we went home separately he said he wanted to try and do more things together like bf and gf, and get to know eachother more. I agreed, we planned to spend the entire following weekend together. The following morning I forgot I had a work thing on the friday so I told him and after that he seemed to change. That weekend we didn't meet at all, he left me hanging on saturday night and messaged me some excuse late that evening. The whole situation left me devastated and emotionally exhausted, I totally cut him off, deleted phone number, everything. As time passed he messaged me at unexpected points over the following year telling me he missed our time together, he wanted to restart etc. We met again maybe a year later, it was different, he said he wanted to try and we agreed to start with phone calls and less messaging. He had to go abroad briefly for work and after periods of silence, sometimes for more than a week, I figured he wasn't serious and May last year I stopped talking to him. In late November 2019 I saw he had seen my IG story that I was going travelling and a week or so later he messaged me saying 'I dreamt about you', I never replied and focused on myself. However! Since lockdown I have unexpectedly found myself thinking about him a ridiculous amount of times. I don't know why. I wonder what he is up to, remember how amazing and easy it was with him. I never told him how I really felt, 'what if'. I haven't been in a relationship but have dated 5 or 6 guys in the 2 years since I met this guy and I recognise I've never had a connection as deep as that. He has left a mark on me. Sometimes I wonder if I should message him as I've overcome the residual negative emotion around us and I remember how good things were. But on the other hand I stop myself because I don't want to take the risk of him treating me the same way again. I don't know how to make sense of these feelings and manage them the right way. My heart still skips a beat thinking about him. HELP!
Backinthesaddleagain Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 13 hours ago, Indigosky said: Hey all, This is my first time on here. I cant believe I'm writing this but I really need to put this out there and get your perspectives. I've not spoken to any friends or family about it over the last few years. I will try to be as concise as possible! I came out of a 6.5 year relationship in Summer 2017. Half a year later I very unexpectedly got chatting to this guy on tinder and after weeks of great convo we met. About 1.5 months into it we had the best date I've ever had. I think we were crazy about eachother but I wanted to take my time with getting to know him. That night we were in bed and it felt perfect, despite being tired things got a little heated. In the end I had to stop because I was so tired that I was falling asleep! To this day I don't know exactly what he responded but I remember the word 'boring'. I tried to get him to tell me what he meant but he became unresponsive and silent. I was hurt and scared of how he made me feel by that comment and what it might mean. Were all the things he did just so he could get some action? Does he not seriously like me? After getting nothing from him I ended up getting out of bed, must have been 2 or 3am, I was highly emotional, booked my uber and left. After that things were never the same. I wasn't perfect but he really hurt me after that on multiple occasions...we agreed to meet weeks if not months later and during that chat we discussed the situation and I told him I hadn't had sex before. I was 28 at the time. That evening when we went home separately he said he wanted to try and do more things together like bf and gf, and get to know eachother more. I agreed, we planned to spend the entire following weekend together. The following morning I forgot I had a work thing on the friday so I told him and after that he seemed to change. That weekend we didn't meet at all, he left me hanging on saturday night and messaged me some excuse late that evening. The whole situation left me devastated and emotionally exhausted, I totally cut him off, deleted phone number, everything. As time passed he messaged me at unexpected points over the following year telling me he missed our time together, he wanted to restart etc. We met again maybe a year later, it was different, he said he wanted to try and we agreed to start with phone calls and less messaging. He had to go abroad briefly for work and after periods of silence, sometimes for more than a week, I figured he wasn't serious and May last year I stopped talking to him. In late November 2019 I saw he had seen my IG story that I was going travelling and a week or so later he messaged me saying 'I dreamt about you', I never replied and focused on myself. However! Since lockdown I have unexpectedly found myself thinking about him a ridiculous amount of times. I don't know why. I wonder what he is up to, remember how amazing and easy it was with him. I never told him how I really felt, 'what if'. I haven't been in a relationship but have dated 5 or 6 guys in the 2 years since I met this guy and I recognise I've never had a connection as deep as that. He has left a mark on me. Sometimes I wonder if I should message him as I've overcome the residual negative emotion around us and I remember how good things were. But on the other hand I stop myself because I don't want to take the risk of him treating me the same way again. I don't know how to make sense of these feelings and manage them the right way. My heart still skips a beat thinking about him. HELP! Not sure if I am reading this right, but you were in a 6.5 year relationship before this guy and you are a virgin? The night when you laid in bed with him and blue-balled him "because you were tired" would have been enough for most men to disappear. It's fine to abstain if that's your choice, but most humans need sex and intimacy. You two don't sound like you were compatible, and you both made the right move by not pursuing things. You need to move on and take this guy off of the pedestal you have put him on. Good luck with it 1
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 Oh boy. Call him if you want but you need to get a better handle on your own boundaries. If you are a virgin, DO NOT get into a bed with a man. Do not spend whole weekends with him. NO sleepovers. At 1.5 months in if you are trying to take things slow, DO NOT get into a bed with a man! What were you thinking? Your post reads like this Pollyanna C***tease. Stop playing with fire. Honestly I do not understand why this man kept talking to you at all let alone for as long as he did. However, since he was foolish enough to come back for more, I don't see where you reaching out once would harm anything. Understand if he doesn't respond you need to drop this. If he does respond for heaven's sake DO NOT Get into Bed with him unless you plan to have sex. 1
Mystery4u Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 You were in bed for the first time together and things felt perfect and got heated and then you... fell asleep? Like really LOL that's so bad that you did that, I actually feel sorry for the guy. I would not have contacted you again, that's so rude and disrespectful, basically saying he bores you to sleep. Ouch. Anyway your whole 'relationship' from start to finish seems so forced, nothing seems to just flow naturally. Thinking about him now is you imagining some fantasy where you meet again and fall madly deeply in love. If it didn't happen before, it's not going to happen now. Move on. 1
Miss Spider Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 My opinion is that if a guy likes you, very , very little will make him change his mind. I just see a lot on here people say "oh you didn't respond back to him, no wonder he stopped talking to you" or "you fell asleep on him, it's finished" or "yeah...you had to cancel on Friday, so it's your fault your weekend plans fell through". Nope, no, and nah. When a guy likes you, he makes it work. He forgives you for little stuff you do and usually even the bigger stuff.... This guy sounds like he was just seeing you as an option. When someone blows off your date, that means they saw something better to do or low interest. Also he's hitting you up over the years because he was bored/ran out of options so he ran back to you. I know cuz I've done it. Just forget this guy, really. Seems like it was one date(?) and you guys ended up in bed together, but you were a virgin/not ready anyway. I seriously only think you're even thinking about him because your options are lower rn. 1
Author Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Author Posted June 10, 2020 All of these comments are laced with assumptions and quick judgement. I overcame a psychosexual issue after my long term relationship. That date we had I was planning on talking to him about the fact I was a virgin but it never ended up happening. The comments have however provided interesting perspective that I perceive sharing a bed more innocently than many people - I told him when agreeing to stay over that it would be innocent and he told me he would go at my pace. Also I should have considered how me being tired could have offended him, I think that is the first and last time it's ever happened...I'd been awake for over 24 hours! For someone super sensitive or easily influenced some of these comments could be really damaging...just a thought I wanted to share!
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 "he really hurt me after that on multiple occasions...." It's a no brainer this should have ended after that night.
Author Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Author Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) Thanks cookiesandough, just saw your comment after I posted. Some things you're probably right about. Also, it was our 6th date I think. I'm pretty sure he was serious before the situation that night I left. After that everything switched. Edited June 10, 2020 by Indigosky 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 Just now, Indigosky said: All of these comments are laced with assumptions and quick judgement. I overcame a psychosexual issue after my long term relationship. That date we had I was planning on talking to him about the fact I was a virgin but it never ended up happening. The comments have however provided interesting perspective that I perceive sharing a bed more innocently than many people - I told him when agreeing to stay over that it would be innocent and he told me he would go at my pace. Also I should have considered how me being tired could have offended him, I think that is the first and last time it's ever happened...I'd been awake for over 24 hours! For someone super sensitive or easily influenced some of these comments could be really damaging...just a thought I wanted to share! -We are laced with assumptions and quick judgments because we are giving thoughts, advice, and opinions based on a situation we know very little about. Your reasons for not having sex are your own, and not relevant to your thread. But I am glad you were able to overcome your issues. -Laying in someone's bed isn't something you should be so cavalier about. If you are ready to have sex with someone go for it. If not, sleep on the couch. Or better yet, your own bed. Most men will see this as an invitation for sex and be disappointed when you pull the plug because you're "tired" or whatever excuse. Hold your boundaries without being a tease. - As far as being super sensitive, this is the internet. If someone is too fragile to hear other opinions and sometimes some hard truths, then they shouldn't be on a public forum discussing personal business. Good luck 2
Calmandfocused Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) The reason you are thinking about him and haven’t recovered emotionally is because he hurt you, treated you like garbage but nevertheless you were still attached to him. It’s called trauma bonding - read about it. I suspect you have a mild form of it. I was quite concerned about your op. Not because of the detail you describe, its how you describe it. You look at him through romanticised, rose tinted spectacles and write as if he was something amazingly special. The special one who got away. He doesn’t sound that special to me. Remind yourself repeatedly how he treated you and look at the facts. Get your head out the clouds and look at the reality of the situation. Edited June 10, 2020 by Calmandfocused 3
Miss Spider Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) Thanks for clarifying. Yea. It sounded like he wanted to get you in bed, which is completely normal for a hot blooded male , don't get me wrong, but that may have been all it was.When he found out you are a virgin, it may have given him some pause. Also, a lot of people here will say don't be in the same room alone as a man with a bed in it if you don't want to have sex, but I'm relatively certain that has 0 to do with anything. Edited June 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Author Posted June 10, 2020 Thanks for your opinion, I think we process things differently and that's cool. Like I said, I will think about sharing a bed differently in future but in my defense I have only ever shared a bed with a guy after confirming with him we won't be having sex. I don't agree with leading guys (or anyone) on and have never done this. Our worlds sound different but it's worth mentioning I have dated guys who have been happy to wait and we've shared a bed, and it has allowed bonding to take place before sex comes into the mix. I appreciate this is a foreign or strange concept to some people. Hard truths and informed opinions are great, if that's what they are. I think the reality is that many people that are not in a good place may turn to online forums to let things out but yeah, just something I wanted to put out there.
Author Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Author Posted June 10, 2020 Thank you calmandfocused and cookieandough. I will look up trauma bonding and have made me look at this from a different perspective. Perhaps I am putting him on a pedestal a bit and it's plausible when I think about it now that he was just trying all along to get me into bed. Food for thought, thanks!
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 If you two were compatible, you wouldn't have had so many failed attempts at making it work. All those times that you tried to date him, that he tried to date you, and then it fizzled out and you stopped talking..... to me that shows that you two aren't a good match. Starting a relationship shouldn't be such a struggle, it should flow naturally. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2020 Posted June 10, 2020 18 hours ago, Indigosky said: However! Since lockdown I have unexpectedly found myself thinking about him a ridiculous amount of times. I don't know why. Don't let the loneliness and isolation of lockdown blur your vision here. Scarcity can make even the dullest of sparks seem much more luminous - but it's only because there's so much darkness around that spark, you know? It tends to fade as soon as the sun comes back up. 1 1
Author Indigosky Posted June 10, 2020 Author Posted June 10, 2020 (edited) Thanks ShyViolet, it never fizzled out but I think the flow definitely stopped after that night, for me this was mainly because I needed time to open up to him in the same way again. Thanks ExpatinItaly, I've thought about that several times and hoping you're right, only time will tell! Edited June 10, 2020 by Indigosky
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