Therapy

[blocker]

My boyfriend (32/m) has always been a thinker. His thoughts keep him up at night, and we engage in hour long conversations about various topics, whether it be about our relationship, work, current events etc. I am not perfect, nor is he. We have worked at developing better communication strategies and problem solving to encourage a healthy, happy relationship. 

He recently told me that he has some rational/ irrational thoughts that have been causing issues in our relationship. Ie) jealously about a specific ex, over looking efforts i put forth, him constantly wanting to talk about problems, re-brings up issues without giving it time etc. I could not handle all the focus on the negative. He decided he wanted to go to therapy by himself to talk to someone about his rational/ irrational feelings. I do not expect him to share what he discusses. I actually asked him to not share. I would have preferred to attended couples counselling as i feel 98% of his thoughts / worries are from our relationship.

However, this has left me feeling a little insecure. I wish he never told me he was going. I feel like i cannot be myself. I worry every issue we run into will be discussed. I don't know if i am handling things the right way.  I feel like part of me is exposed. Does anyone have experience with this?

[d0nnivain]

Couples therapy without individual therapy is not all that helpful. 

He's going to therapy to deal with his issues.  His issues are not your issues nor are they only issues related to your relationship.  I'd wager 90% of what he talks about has nothing to do with you.  

If your relationship is otherwise solid, him going to therapy will make him a better partner.  All you have to is reap the rewards.  Stop thinking that it's a bad thing or that it's about you.  

[blocker]

I guess it is hard to assume it is not about me, when he told me the reason he was going was because of our relationship. Not necessarily that i do anything TO him, but the way that i deal with things being different, the way that i am introverted and need more time away. It just has me thinking so much, and overanalyzing myself. 

[d0nnivain]

He may be improving himself because the relationship is important to him & he doesn't want to ruin it.  It's not that you sent him there because you think he's broken.  

Give your tendency to overanalyze, perhaps you too could benefit from some individual therapy.  I went back into therapy over all the stressful uncertain crap going on in the world.  

[smackie9]

Dear, he came into your relationship with issues...issues he knows he's had forever.....make note that that's probably 98% why you have communication problems, and problems in general in your relaiotnship...he could very well be the common denominator. AND when you have two people with issues, you have a unstable relationship. I agree with d0nnivian, you probable could use individual therapy too...might shed some light on things without the distraction of him. When your focus is misdirected, you don't win, you keep losing. I feel this is the root of the problems within.

[ShyViolet]

Why does it make you feel insecure that he would discuss his issues and talk about you in therapy?  Everything he discusses with his therapist is confidential and will not leave that room.  It's not like the therapist will then go and tell other people, or judge you.  The therapist doesn't care about you.  They are just doing their job.  You should be happy that he's going to therapy and discussing all this, it will help to make him a healthier person and a better boyfriend.

[blocker]

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why does it make you feel insecure that he would discuss his issues and talk about you in therapy?  Everything he discusses with his therapist is confidential and will not leave that room.  It's not like the therapist will then go and tell other people, or judge you.  The therapist doesn't care about you.  They are just doing their job.  You should be happy that he's going to therapy and discussing all this, it will help to make him a healthier person and a better boyfriend.

 

I get that it will make him a healthier person. But his insecurities are created by me. He doesn't understand me as a person and how I work. So i just feel like it is a lot of talk about my character thus making me feel a bit on edge. I am afraid to say certain things. I feel like i am being monitored. For example - he asked about information from my past relationship. I told him, and it led to him needing to discuss his feelings of jealously, and comparing that relationship to this relationship. Furthermore, he then starts trying to determine why I drove hours to see my previous boyfriend, but don't drive as much to his house. The answer is -- we are in a very different circumstance. It isn't about having a stronger love for my ex.

Maybe I am not handling things well in our relationship 100% of the time, but i don't want to be "discussed" for making said mistakes.

[d0nnivain]

Everything you mentioned are reasons he needs to be in therapy.  It's not about YOU. It's about HIS insecurities.  In therapy he will learn how to be more confident as a person.  He won't press you about past relationships; he won't compare your relationship now to men you dated in the past & he won't come to dumb conclusions based on drive time.  He needs this in order to be an emotionally healthy self assured person if you two are to have any future. 

The idea that you think his therapy is about your character makes me wonder if you are hiding something . . . the lady doth protest too much kind of thing.  

 

[blocker]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Everything you mentioned are reasons he needs to be in therapy.  It's not about YOU. It's about HIS insecurities.  In therapy he will learn how to be more confident as a person.  He won't press you about past relationships; he won't compare your relationship now to men you dated in the past & he won't come to dumb conclusions based on drive time.  He needs this in order to be an emotionally healthy self assured person if you two are to have any future. 

The idea that you think his therapy is about your character makes me wonder if you are hiding something . . . the lady doth protest too much kind of thing.  

 

Hiding something? No. But with many relationships, we discuss issues and feelings. I have no way of knowing whether I handle things properly. I said in my original message I am not perfect. Are there things that I could do better at? sure, always. Everyone could always do better. He is not sharing what he learns, as I asked. Because this is about him, for him. But he says that it is about "us". So i feel a little on edge.  I wish that he had not told me he was going to go. 

[d0nnivain]

Then try to put it out of your mind. 

the only therapy I know of that is about the SO is when you have to go to a support group like Al-Anon or Narc-Anon because you love an addict.  

[Watercolors]

So, then ask your boyfriend if you can attend one of his therapy sessions with him. Maybe hearing directly from his therapist THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU will assuage your insecurities. It does sound like you are projecting your insecurities on to your boyfriend and that's about you and not about him. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, blocker said:

 

I feel like i am being monitored. For example - he asked about information from my past relationship. I told him, and it led to him needing to discuss his feelings of jealously, and comparing that relationship to this relationship. Furthermore, he then starts trying to determine why I drove hours to see my previous boyfriend, but don't drive as much to his house.

Ok, here your boyfriend is acting inappropriately, being insecure and being unreasonable.  It's very unhealthy behavior for him to ask detailed questions about your past relationship and then compare your current relationship to your past relationship.  That's his problem.  You should tell him that he's being inappropriate and this is unhealthy behavior.  Do not cater to it and do not let it make you feel bad.   Tell him to work on his insecurities in therapy.  And he SHOULD be talking about it in therapy, I don't know why you feel the need to frame that as a bad thing.

Edited June 9, 2020 by ShyViolet

[Lotsgoingon]

You will NOT be the focus of his therapy. Even if he complains about you, you still won't be the focus of the therapy.  How he acts with you, how he reacts to you, how he conceptualizes relationships, how he forms expectations of you, how he forms expectations of himself--these are the issues the therapist might focus on. Or might not--because the therapist might make a judgment early on that how he acts with you is part of a much bigger problem in his life, a much bigger problem with the way he thinks and copes.

Therapists are trained in really deep listening and they're not listening for the surface story, like my gf was mean today. Instead, therapists listen to the assumptions the client is bringing into the stories without awareness. Where people get stuck in life (and what therapy tries to undo) is when they present a story (experience) and think there is only one conclusion to be drawn. The therapist will not try to talk him out of his insecurities about your exes. Rather the therapist will be looking for the underlying thinking pattern that hijacks his brain such that he goes to thinking about an ex of yours. Undoubtedly, a lot of your bf's emotional life was shaped by his childhood.  Your bf will spend overwhelmingly more time talking about his mother and father and the expectations and pressures he felt while growing up … than he will spend talking about you.

You could easily be the beneficiary of the work he does with a good therapist. In a few months, you might notice some changes in him, probably positive. Now therapy can lead to people leave relationships. Yep, can do that ... but it's almost always indirect. Meaning the growth and change the client experiences leads them (not the therapist) to conclude that the current relationship is no longer working. 

Sounds like this guy needed individual therapy. Couples counseling can be good for say, overcoming the rupture brought on by an affair. Him getting weirdly jealous and insecure--couples counseling would be useless for that. There are deep wounds there that he needs to explore and heal from. 

 Please back off your worry or jealousy or whatever it is and do so fast. I lost all respect for a former gf who was worried that I was talking about her in therapy. I look back and see that moment as a total sign I should have dumped her right then.  It's hard to explain how bad this is. I mean, your worry is the equivalent of feeling insecure that he is educating himself or attending college or reading books you're not reading or making friends outside of you or taking up a new hobby  … or being insecure that he’s going to a good doctor or a good dentist. Indeed you might have some issues that are worthy of therapy if your first reaction is to get scared.

Going to therapy, especially perhaps for a man, takes enormous strength, courage and willingness to be vulnerable. If you can't celebrate that, then my dear, you are not ready for a relationship. 

I talked to gf's about my therapy ...  I didn't necessarily say, "Hey in therapy today ..." Instead, I would share about some painful experience growing up, an experience that I was in the process of rethinking. Or I would point out a dysfunctional dynamic in my family (one that had just showed up again in the present) ... and I'd share about how crippling that dynamic was. You might want to check out therapy for yourself. It's nothing like what you seem to be worried about. 

 

Edited June 10, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Lotsgoingon]

20 hours ago, blocker said:

 

I get that it will make him a healthier person. But his insecurities are created by me.

His insecurities are definitely NOT created by you. His insecurities might be triggered by you but they could just as easily be triggered by another woman or by a tough boss or by a parent praising the achievements of a sibling or triggered by the way he compares himself to other men. 

Even if you have behaviors that bring out his insecurities, you still are not the cause--because someone with a bit of confidence would confront you about these problems to see if they can be resolved ... or they would leave the relationship. You are merely the current context for his insecurities. He could get out of the relationship if he wanted to--you aren't holding a gun to his head threatening to kill him if he leaves. 

You may need to educate yourself on relationships. The relationships we have don't depend solely on the person we're involved with. We bring our entire emotional histories to relationships, our life coping patterns, our esteem or lack of it, our ability to negotiate or not. Relationships can be such powerful tools of learning about ourselves because they surface underlying problems. They don't create the underlying problem. 

 

[blocker]

On 6/10/2020 at 9:33 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

His insecurities are definitely NOT created by you. His insecurities might be triggered by you but they could just as easily be triggered by another woman or by a tough boss or by a parent praising the achievements of a sibling or triggered by the way he compares himself to other men. 

Even if you have behaviors that bring out his insecurities, you still are not the cause--because someone with a bit of confidence would confront you about these problems to see if they can be resolved ... or they would leave the relationship. You are merely the current context for his insecurities. He could get out of the relationship if he wanted to--you aren't holding a gun to his head threatening to kill him if he leaves. 

You may need to educate yourself on relationships. The relationships we have don't depend solely on the person we're involved with. We bring our entire emotional histories to relationships, our life coping patterns, our esteem or lack of it, our ability to negotiate or not. Relationships can be such powerful tools of learning about ourselves because they surface underlying problems. They don't create the underlying problem. 

 

Thank you for posting. Your comments have really helped to answer a lot of questions and wonders I had about therapy. I am interested in the education on relationships. I will see what I can learn. Thanks again.