Dating a guy from happn *UPDATE*

[rainbow12]

I've been chatting to a guy let's call him James from happn, He's very talkative and asks very good questions about me, I've met James only once in the lockdown in real life. I'm meeting him again this week.  The last time, I met him was last week, I went on happn and saw he's been active a few days ago and I know few days ago is meant to mean 2 or 3 days ago, I confront him about it to him and told him to delete his account if hes serious, he deleted it and it's gone, I can't see the profile anymore nor the messages, which I check. I do believe him but I can't get over why happn said few days ago when it's meant to say several days ago or some days ago? Because he promises he hasn't used happn and that he deleted the app and now has deleted his profile properly. Am I over analysing this? When I met him, he acts so decently and nice, I really like him, He's got a good humour and he let me take the lead where I wanted to go in the park. He looks decent in pictures; I got a good feeling about him that's why I believe happn could possibly made an error about it saying a few days ago because I believe he hasn't used it recently. I know most men are conniving, and it's good to questions people words what they say to you but for once in my life, can't there just be someone good for a change? Because these whole bad guy lessons is getting dull and repetitious. 

I feel when he talks to me it's like he's only talking to me and no one else, His interests are only on me and no one else, he makes efforts in his communications sometimes. He always messages me every day, and he was honest with me before I check him out on happn that he was talking to a girl before he knew me and he had to make a choice whether it's between me or her and he picked me because I make more of a effort better than her. Thats got to mean something, I mean this app can possibly make an error in saying a few days when it could have said last week ago. Has anyone experienced where happn or any dating apps was inaccurate of showing your status to some of your matches? 

Edited June 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

Yes you are overreacting.  

You shouldn't be trying to control or monitor his behavior.  You are just chatting at this point. He doesn't owe you much.  You are acting a little crazy.  And yes he probably was on the app--you are not his gf yet.  It also could be an error from the app but you are overinvesting in a person. Just take things day by day.  Some people would drop you for your behavior because yours  is more unrealistic than his.  Good that you like him now enjoy dating him this week and see from there.  The control issues and spying is too much though

[Emilie Jolie]

I don't know what happn is nor how it differs from other apps, but  you demanding a guy you've only met once deletes his dating app account and getting paranoid over whether / when he deleted it is way over the top. You are not in a committed relationship, you are getting to know a near stranger. If you're feeling this paranoid about this now, how will you feel when he forgets to send you a good morning text or he doesn't reply to your text in an instant? This level of insecure is not healthy - you need to rein it in asap or he will bolt. 

 

[rainbow12]

4 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I don't know what happn is nor how it differs from other apps, but  you demanding a guy you've only met once deletes his dating app account and getting paranoid over whether / when he deleted it is way over the top. You are not in a committed relationship, you are getting to know a near stranger. If you're feeling this paranoid about this now, how will you feel when he forgets to send you a good morning text or he doesn't reply to your text in an instant? This level of insecure is not healthy - you need to rein it in asap or he will bolt. 

 

You're right, I got carried away, Do you think I should apologise for what happened yesterday about this and tell him I was wrong for spying on him or just leave it? 

[Emilie Jolie]

Good to see you are recognising this behaviour is not ideal.

Best to move on and not draw more attention to this, in my opinion. You just need to make sure you don't go down that road again - do you think you can keep your insecurities in check? 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'll be honest: I don't think it's your place to "tell" him to delete his profile and yes, he is probably still open to dating others. You've only met one time. That doesn't mean he's conniving. It would be foolhardy to talk to someone, meet once and then decide: okay, this is it, my search is over. For that matter how do you know your own search is over?

[rainbow12]

Just now, Emilie Jolie said:

Good to see you are recognising this behaviour is not ideal.

Best to move on and not draw more attention to this, in my opinion. You just need to make sure you don't go down that road again - do you think you can keep your insecurities in check? 

The thing is I was happy not to go and spy on him, what made me do it was my mum was putting negative thoughts in my head saying that I need to monitor him check what hes up to, I always defend him saying he's not like that she's too over paranoid. My mum being so overprotective and considering this would be my real first proper meet up I had with anyone she's too overwhelming.I relied on her advice too much because she lives with me and she's always been right about the other virtual guys of how they treated me and I guess it leads me insecure and paranoid. I wasn't really like that if I didn't listen to my mother. I'm adult, and I don't need her butting in, she doesn't rather get involved but I can see she can't help herself. He text me today about him walking the dogs and I hope he's still not put off by me. Before I mention about this on love shack, I did felt uncomfortable of my actions and I feel like I want to apologise to him for it. It wasn't my plan or intention to make him put off by me or to act like a crazy person, that's not who I am. I'm laid back most of the time. I only jump to conclusions because he never talk to his family about me because they get over excited and I said there was no rush. I just feel like a complete let down. 

[rainbow12]

21 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Good to see you are recognising this behaviour is not ideal.

Best to move on and not draw more attention to this, in my opinion. You just need to make sure you don't go down that road again - do you think you can keep your insecurities in check? 

I also was like that because he talks to me like I was his gf, like him mentioning one day can he stay over at my house at night, kissing, hugging me, treating me one day. I was overinvested and it was too much. I only stop looking because I needed a break from the dating app. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, rainbow12 said:

I also was like that because he talks to me like I was his gf, like him mentioning one day can he stay over at my house at night, kissing, hugging me, treating me one day. I was overinvested and it was too much. I only stop looking because I needed a break from the dating app. 

How old are you both? Sounds like he is grooming you into having a sexual relationship. You're not his girlfriend, he shouldn't really be escalating things so quickly, it's bound to send confusing mixed messages. If I were you, I would be very careful and have very solid boundaries in place. I have a feeling that your gut instinct is telling something is not quite right with this guy, which is why your mind is going on overdrive. You don't have to continue seeing him if he makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. 

 

[rainbow12]

3 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

How old are you both? Sounds like he is grooming you into having a sexual relationship. You're not his girlfriend, he shouldn't really be escalating things so quickly, it's bound to send confusing mixed messages. If I were you, I would be very careful and have very solid boundaries in place. I have a feeling that your gut instinct is telling something is not quite right with this guy, which is why your mind is going on overdrive. You don't have to continue seeing him if he makes you feel bad or uncomfortable. 

 

He can't be grooming me. I'm an adult and so is he. He's 23 and I'm 24. We are both in our 20's. I don't feel uncomfortable with him, Yes, you're right that my brain is gone overdrive because he has been sending mix signals since he is telling me these lovely dovely things and then still plan to go on the dating site if the app weren't an error. Now, you can see why I acted the way I did. The thing is, though, I do want a sexual relationship with him after the lockdown finishes and...I don't mind him staying in my bed after I got to know him for a good amount of time, he didn't mean having sex but just staying over while laying close with me. 


I sort of a little bit dated guys but never had a serious boyfriend with anyone before, so, I'm bound to make mistakes and get confused. I'll keep my boundaries there and all I want is to spend one day at a time with him that was my whole purpose in going on the dating app. Yes, he did escalate those things quickly with me and we talk about kissing, So, yeah I thought what we spoke about was serious enough for me, despite only having one meet up with him. 

[Emilie Jolie]

Adults can be groomed too...In any event, stop spying on him but keep your guard up; he's still a stranger, for all intents and purposes. A stand-up guy wouldn't be escalating things, talking about intimate stuff this early on or playing hide and seek on a dating app. That's my perspective on this. Good luck either way, and look after yourself.

[rainbow12]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Adults can be groomed too...In any event, stop spying on him but keep your guard up; he's still a stranger, for all intents and purposes. A stand-up guy wouldn't be escalating things, talking about intimate stuff this early on or playing hide and seek on a dating app. That's my perspective on this. Good luck either way, and look after yourself.

I know it looks bad but maybe he hasn't had many gfs or any proper ones, I have a feeling he hasn't. That's why he goes in for the kill in wanting a sexual relationship with me while taking his chances in looking possibly for others. I'll keep my guard up and thank you for reading my thread.    

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, rainbow12 said:

I know it looks bad but maybe he hasn't had many gfs or any proper ones, I have a feeling he hasn't. That's why he goes in for the kill in wanting a sexual relationship with me while taking his chances in looking possibly for others. I'll keep my guard up and thank you for reading my thread.    

Men with no experience are shy. Men suggesting going to your house  to cuddle are predators that know too well how to get unexperienced women like you. A man that is really interested in getting to know you would never EVER bring up that kind of talk, he'd be too afraid you get the wrong impression and you bail. Women that know their worth don't fall for this, inexperienced women with a  need to find  love will fall for it.  

Edited June 7, 2020 by Gaeta

[Amanda141]

This behaviour is burdensome and a turn off. You saw him just once, you can't require to be exclusive just yet. If I were him, I would be annoyed over your controlling behaviour 😕 Don't apologise to him, don't make him feel like he's on a pedestal 

It's good that you recognised that your behaviour was wrong, it's good to make mistakes so we can learn from them. I also make mistakes like that, and I behave like a doormat, like a slave for the guy since the first date, feeling that he is a Prince and he's always right. 

Be more secure of yourself and just go with the flow, without expectations... see what happens: if they are roses, they will bloom

good luck  

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Men with no experience are shy. Men suggesting going to your house  to cuddle are predators that know too well how to get unexperienced women like you. A man that is really interested in getting to know you would never EVER bring up that kind of talk, he'd be too afraid you get the wrong impression and you bail. Women that know their worth don't fall for this, inexperienced women with a  need to find  love will fall for it.  

This^^!!  Cut and paste to your fridge and read it every single day till it sinks in. 

Spot on!    

[Gaeta]

Yes OP acted possessive and needy but I think she acted that way because he brainwashed her beleive they were 'something special' together. 

[Emilie Jolie]

46 minutes ago, rainbow12 said:

I know it looks bad but maybe he hasn't had many gfs or any proper ones, I have a feeling he hasn't. That's why he goes in for the kill in wanting a sexual relationship with me while taking his chances in looking possibly for others. I'll keep my guard up and thank you for reading my thread.    

No worries. I guess you need to follow your own path and learn from your own experiences - just be fully prepared for it to be a very, very short thing once you've slept with him, and don't be taken in by any sob stories.

[rainbow12]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Men with no experience are shy. Men suggesting going to your house  to cuddle are predators that know too well how to get unexperienced women like you. A man that is really interested in getting to know you would never EVER bring up that kind of talk, he'd be too afraid you get the wrong impression and you bail. Women that know their worth don't fall for this, inexperienced women with a  need to find  love will fall for it.  

I know where you're coming from where it's only been 3 weeks of talking and he's talking about doing this or that with me, he was a little sexual and I honestly don't mind that. He doesn't want sex with me in my bedroom because he knows my parents will be in the other room, so it ain't happening. We just talk about the things we could be like with one another and talk about things only what I'm comfortable with. He knew I was strict with the social distancing and not kissing him let alone not touch him, he would've got bored so quickly and walk away especially with a person like me. Trust me if he's only looking for a hook up, he will be so bored of me and feel like hes wasting his time because I'm putting my own health first. He hasn't gone, hes still talking to me casually so I don't see the problem here and if he is looking for a hook up then I'd say I got nothing to lose in losing my virginity with him in the future because...I want some sort to express my sexuality. I will keep my emotions in check, and I'll keep my guard up. I'm not really needy and...I had a recent guy whom acted the same way in wanting to be over my house and stay over, and he was cocky but this guy Jame's, I just know he's not like the rest, he's just happy to talk to me and talking about the future of what could be. We are not in the relationship and can't be because of the lock down but unless he ghosts me I got nothing to complain about. Whatever happens will happen in time and if all you people are right about him then...I'll come to press like on each of your replies to show that you're right about him but right now he's not doing anything yet. 

[basil67]

Perhaps he was using his app to see if you'd deleted yours?  Both of you with active apps checking to see if the other is lying about being active.

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, rainbow12 said:

 

You're right, I got carried away, Do you think I should apologise for what happened yesterday about this and tell him I was wrong for spying on him or just leave it? 

Jesus..with women like you around so clingy and needy (and giving attention day in day out) im not surprised the guy i met on an app is now not responding. 🙄

Take it down a notch..seriously. it was one day you guys met...you cant control what he does. If he likes you he will stick with you, if he doesn't and he moves on there isnt anything you can do.

Edited June 7, 2020 by miranda561

[Miss Spider]

I disagree with it being too soon to deactive the app... I’ve had men ask me to deactivate our apps after 1 or 2 meet and I don’t see anything wrong with it. It means he’s not into multidating and you can always put the app back up.

Nothing wrong with multidating either. It’s actually my preference. 
 

I think you  did reveal something about him. You guys have only met once so far and he’s probably  already lied to you. . The app time stamp probably wouldn’t lie. He said he hasn’t been using it at all and immediately deleted his profile just because you called him out. He could have just told you the truth.

Edited June 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, rainbow12 said:

I also was like that because he talks to me like I was his gf, like him mentioning one day can he stay over at my house at night, kissing, hugging me, treating me one day. I was overinvested and it was too much. I only stop looking because I needed a break from the dating app. 

Listen, you both need to have control over your own impulses and take responsibility for your own life and actions within it.  In this instance you much more than him.  You are 100% responsible for yourself.

It's not your mom's fault or this guy's fault that you lashed out at him.  Ultimately it's yours.   You also need to take responsibility in terms of HOW you draw boundaries and threshold of access to what you let into your dating life with each individual.   So in other words it's not his fault nor is he the only one who has control over access into your life and your response to it.  In fact, it's inversely so.  You control the majority of how much and at what point and how much weight you assign to each of his attempts.  If he does too much too soon (ie this might be in light of what contact you've had so far and over what length of time), it should inform you about him.  You control those access points.  If he's too much too soon, you need to assess what this guy is about.  He might be full of it; just after the physical; you might need to gather more info; or you might laugh it off with a grain of salt KNOWING it's too soon for you.

That you need a break from dating as an excuse for all this is a very weak one.  You'd be your own worst dating enemy with that one. 

I also agree not to make a big deal of things.  If he's willing to see you this week, roll with it, without calling attention to it.  Don't be a drama queen and if the apology is in your heart, don't do it again. ok, good luck

Edited June 8, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, rainbow12 said:

 but this guy Jame's, I just know he's not like the rest, he's just happy to talk to me and talking about the future of what could be. 

Well, don't be too naive. Some guys play the long game some push upfront.   Some play mr nice guy; some don't.  There will be little clues but maybe not the whole answer.  Same answer applies, you control the access into your life & body when someone has earned the various steps.

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, rainbow12 said:

but this guy Jame's, I just know he's not like the rest, 

Said every woman that got played.

I wonder how  you know the type of guy he is, you've only met him 3 weeks ago. I know more about my Bank Manager than you know about this guy so how can you state you know the type of man he is after 1 meeting and 3 weeks talking. The only thing you know about him is what he told you! 

[miranda561]

17 hours ago, rainbow12 said:

I've been chatting to a guy let's call him James from happn, He's very talkative and asks very good questions about me, I've met James only once in the lockdown in real life. I'm meeting him again this week.  The last time, I met him was last week, I went on happn and saw he's been active a few days ago and I know few days ago is meant to mean 2 or 3 days ago, I confront him about it to him and told him to delete his account if hes serious, he deleted it and it's gone, I can't see the profile anymore nor the messages, which I check. I do believe him but I can't get over why happn said few days ago when it's meant to say several days ago or some days ago? Because he promises he hasn't used happn and that he deleted the app and now has deleted his profile properly. Am I over analysing this? When I met him, he acts so decently and nice, I really like him, He's got a good humour and he let me take the lead where I wanted to go in the park. He looks decent in pictures; I got a good feeling about him that's why I believe happn could possibly made an error about it saying a few days ago because I believe he hasn't used it recently. I know most men are conniving, and it's good to questions people words what they say to you but for once in my life, can't there just be someone good for a change? Because these whole bad guy lessons is getting dull and repetitious. 

I feel when he talks to me it's like he's only talking to me and no one else, His interests are only on me and no one else, he makes efforts in his communications sometimes. He always messages me every day, and he was honest with me before I check him out on happn that he was talking to a girl before he knew me and he had to make a choice whether it's between me or her and he picked me because I make more of a effort better than her. Thats got to mean something, I mean this app can possibly make an error in saying a few days when it could have said last week ago. Has anyone experienced where happn or any dating apps was inaccurate of showing your status to some of your matches? 

Sorry if i was rude in my earlier post.

You sound very naive. And an incredibly young 24 year old. 

It just sounds like all you guys ever ..well him ever talks about is hugging and kissing and all the rest off it. Is he even trying  to get to know  you for you. Because all the rest of it is unnecessary at the very beginning  stages. It should just progress naturally. 

Just go with the flow for now as you don't even know him that  well!! ..and try not to put all your eggs in one basket